I know these feelings intimately: fear, anger, guilt, panic, sadness, confusion, disbelief… and that only names a few.

How do you manage these feelings? What do you do with them? Their intensity is huge and seems to take over, making you behave irrationally, illogically, hysterically — or maybe they completely immobilize you as you sink into despair, not knowing what on earth to do about your young adult’s drug and alcohol addiction.

This was so not a part of my plan back when I first carried that beautiful infant into our home. We watched her grow, taught her to ride a bike, read her stories, held her close and loved her freely.  How did we get here? What happened?

As the depth of my daughter Hallah’s drug and alcohol use became more and more apparent, my husband and I were devastated. I was riddled with feelings of guilt… How had I failed her?  I was so deeply afraid. How far would this go?  Why was this happening and what could I do to bring peace and healing to my family?

Over time I have gained some skills that have helped me manage my emotions better. I still have not “arrived” and probably never will, as this is an ever-changing journey. Given the right circumstances I can quickly fall back into old behaviors and habits.  The difference now is that I have a set of tools that I can pull out and use to get myself back on track. The life I was living in the beginning of this journey was ruled by anger, fear and frustration. I would throw my authority around as the mom to try to bring order where it felt like there was none. 

For the sake of myself, my daughter and the rest of my family I had to figure out how to navigate this rough terrain of drug and alcohol addiction and come out alive and well on the other side with a heart that knew how to give and receive forgiveness and love.

My 5 Best Tools for Coping With My Young Adult’s Drug and Alcohol Addiction:

1. Acceptance
By accepting that our family, our daughter, was in the throes of the disease of addiction and there was no other way out than through, I could get to the business of finding my way. Our life is what it is, filled with joy, skepticism, times of great hope, and also dark times filled with deep sorrow.  I had to learn to embrace the process that we had been thrust into.

2. My Support Network of Friends
If you don’t have a support system of even a few people who are familiar with addiction and the recovery process, begin to build one for yourself.  I sought the help of a counselor who has walked with me for several years now throughout this journey. Her help has been invaluable. I found new friends, parents like myself, in my local Alanon groups. There are also faith-centered recovery groups such as Celebrate Recovery that are available to those families who prefer a Christian approach. Not being alone and having someone I could call any time of the day or night when I needed a listening ear, was huge. These were trusted people I could be completely honest with without the fear of judgment or gossip. I kept phone numbers with me at all times so I knew that help was always only a phone call away.

3. Daily Readings
Every day I read about life in recovery on the topics of enabling, co-dependence and drug and alcohol addiction, from my daily readers. A daily reader is a small book that has a topic and page for each day of the year to encourage you for that day. I found that I was recovering too from the effects of the disease of addiction that had hit our family. A few of my favorite daily readers are:

•  The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

• Courage to Change: One Day At a Time in Alanon II

• The Promise Of A New Day: A Book of Daily Meditations by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

Each brings new hope for each new day. When I am wrestling with a particular emotion or feeling I can look in the back of the book in the index and find all of the pages on what I am feeling. I look those pages up and find new ideas and new ways of managing difficult situations and feelings.

4. “Letting Go and Letting God”
Understanding that there is truly only so much that I can do to save my daughter. Ultimately her recovery is between her and her Higher Power. The vast majority of parents I have spoken to over the years say that it was nothing that they did that saved their child. It was acknowledging that they were powerless over their child’s drug and alcohol addiction that set them free to be able to love their children with healthy boundaries in place.  That concept removed a lot of the weight of “finding the right answer, the key” that would save my daughter.

5. Good Self Care
Eating food that is healthy for my body, exercising regularly, seeing the doctor and the dentist when I need to, allowing myself times of solitude when I need them, and making time to continue to do things that I love, things that nourish my soul.

Beginning to understand that my feelings simply are what they are, was a good first step for me. How I manage them is another thing altogether. I have choices and options and resources that can help me to keep my feelings from dominating my life while still fully acknowledging them. I can be gentle with myself and admit that dealing with my daughter’s drug and alcohol addiction is a rough road and I won’t walk it perfectly…but I will most certainly do the best I am capable of, and that is good enough.

Failed attempt number one began when I called the number on the back of my insurance card and followed the recommendation to admit Lauren into an adolescent psychiatric hospital. Most of their patients were there for severe mental and emotional problems that required medication. They were not prepared to take on a case like Lauren and made many suggestions that were actually detrimental, like suggesting I send her away to spend time with relatives after her release. Even with ongoing counseling, once she returned home, she was back to business as usual.

The second attempt was a local hospital offering an outpatient substance abuse program. This was equally dismal since their primary strategy for helping her was telling her she needed to change her ways.  When the head counselor informed me they were kicking her out of the program because she was still using drugs and supplying them to other patients, I fought back.  Why did they think I had her there in the first place?  Weren’t they supposed to be the experts?

There were several more attempts before we happened upon a program specifically for adolescents.  They educated Lauren about her illness — alcoholism —and provided treatment that addressed the total disease and focused on a long-term recovery game plan and treatment for the whole family.  I am grateful I did not give up and that I searched for a solution that worked, because in the end it paid off.

For too many treatment facilities, recovery is a business.  Typically, the first person you speak with will be someone who is good at marketing the programs’ services to you. Consider the fact that treatment for adolescents has its unique challenges in that teens are developmentally different from adults. The part of the brain that understands consequences is not fully developed until the early twenties, so teens do not fully comprehend the imminent consequences of their substance abuse. Also, teens are greatly influenced by their peers, and friends’ opinions often carry more weight than yours or any other adults’, so it is important that peer group therapy be part of the program. Most important, just like adults, treatment for teens needs to address the entire disease of addiction and how it negatively affects the body, mind, and spirit. (Most twelve-step programs take this approach.)

Here are some questions to ask when considering a treatment center:

1. Is the program specifically designed for addicted adolescents?
2. Does the program include treatment for the entire family?
3. Does the program include treatment for the entire disease — physical, emotional, and spiritual?
4. What evidence can they provide that their program is successful with young people?
5. How does the program provide aftercare for ongoing recovery?

Following are seven hard lessons we’ve learned in our journey, all of which we denied in the beginning. We fought with ourselves and with each other about these things. It didn’t matter who was telling us the truth, we knew better, after all he was our son. We have come to accept these truths and now it is much easier to deal with the heartache and we’ve become more effective helpers for our son/addict.

1. Parents Are Enablers
We love our sons and daughters. We would do anything to remove the pain. Take away the addiction. Smooth the road. We’d give our life if it would help. I once wrote a letter to my son about using drugs. I used the analogy of him standing on the railroad tracks and a train (drugs) is blasting down the tracks and blaring its horn but he hears nothing. I told him it was my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit, that’s what fathers do. I understand now, I was wrong. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks and he would be standing on another set of tracks the next day.

We raised our children the best way we knew how. At some point they made decisions that set them down this path. We can only support them and provide them opportunities to make another decision. This is a hard one. That is why at times sponsors, recovering addicts, police officers, probation officers, corrections officers, pastors, counselors can all do a better job than we can in showing our addict the correct path. That is difficult because no one loves our addict like we do but we cannot do what they need when they need it.

2. I Cannot Fix This
This goes to what I wrote above. This is a problem only our addict can fix. A concept such as this is very hard for me to accept because I try to fix everything. No one is allowed in our addict’s mind except them. They are the only ones that can decide to do something about this. This will not end until they decide to end it. Parents trying to make that decision for them only results in failure and frustration.

3. My Addict Is A Liar
Addicts will say anything to hide their addiction and take any action to mask the problem. I honestly believe at the time they do not even realize they are lying, they just say whatever they think you want to hear. I believe they have motives in this to seek approval and to give us pride. I believe addicts do not like themselves or what they are doing but at some point they can see no door out. Their only mechanism for survival is to seek somekind of approval through lying, even if they know they will be busted. I believe it offers a similar instant gratification as drugs. I think even a smile of approval from a loved one shoots off those chemicals in the brain that gives them a different high, even if it lasts only a couple seconds. When my addict tells me he is not using I really don’t hear it. I tell him often, “My eyes can hear much better than my ears.” Just as we seek evidence of their using, we must seek evidence of their NOT using. Do not rely on faith that they are not using because they told you.

4. My Addict Is A Criminal
Symptoms of this disease include illegal behavior. That is why he is incarcerated. Face up to it, Dad and Mom. He has done things wrong and he must pay the price, as they say, his debt to society. It does no good to bad mouth the police, the judge, the jail, the lawyers they did not put him there. He put himself there. When we see others on TV and in jail we think about how much they deserve to be there but our babies aren’t like them. We can justify and separate the wrongs by misdemeanor and felony but those are legal terms. The long and short of it, my addict has done things that got him put in there and he must pay.

5. Others Don’t Want Them Around
That is OK. He has wronged many people. We are the parents, it’s called unconditional love. It is not wrong for friends, brothers, sisters, grandparents, relatives to have their own feelings and pain about this situation. Some families have great support and no one abandons the addict, some people decide they do not want the trouble of an addict in their life. That is OK. We all get to make the choice and there is no wrong choice, it is just a choice by those people.

6. Life Will Not Be The Same
At 5 years old my son thought he was Michelangelo of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Running around the house with an orange bandanna tied around his head brandishing plastic weapons fighting evil and the bad guys. When we look at our addicts we see that 5 year old and mourn the loss and try anything we can to get them back. My addict is now a 21-year-old man. He is every bit an adult with at times a child’s maturity. But our world recognizes chronological ages, not maturity levels. Parents must do that too. I believe Michelangelo is lost inside of him. Those that are lost sometimes find their way back, but some do not. I can grieve this loss but it will not help him or us to move forward. An addict does not live in the past or the future. An addict lives in the here and now, if you want to help your addict you must live in the same world he does.

7. Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses
Mom works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there you see homeless people with signs and some of them living under the bridges. They are dirty and hungry. They very likely are addicts, alcoholics or suffer from a mental illness. The one common denominator for all of these men and women living alone and homeless is that at some point in their life they had people that loved them. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. They made choices that got them to this point. They can make other choices, and there are people and organizations to help them change. The key is, they must make the decisions. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly but he will do this until it is time for him to change, I cannot change him or those circumstances. It will not help him for me to give him a bed in my home if he continues to live the lifestyle.

Why is This Important?
We struggled mightily against these truths, fought with every ounce of strength. We lost our fight. We have accepted what we wished was not true. My learning is: until you understand the truth you cannot find peace within yourself or really be able to help your addict. Accepting the truth is what allows you to help your addict by helping yourself.

I do not hate my son for using drugs and putting all of us through this pain. I hate the things he does. I hate the lying, the stealing, the using. I love my son very much, I hate his ways. It is perfectly okay to separate the two.

As a teen addict, I justified my behavior because I didn’t suffer the same ramifications that most adults in my situation would (loss of home, family, marriage, job or health). I thought I was invincible and that once things got “really” bad, I could stop on my own.  In reality, I did lose a lot due to my drug and alcohol addiction.  Though I did not have some of the more severe consequences of an adult in my situation,  I certainly experienced consequences. Here’s a list of some of them: 

* I threw away friendships and had friends walk away from me, leaving feelings of loneliness.
* I lost my parents’ trust so that even when I was being honest with them they still couldn’t trust me.
* I lost all motivation to go after my goals and dreams since my ultimate motivation was to get high.
* I lost my desire to help my mom around the house.
* I lost my desire to be a good example for my younger brother.
* I lost motivation to study and stay in school, since that ultimately it got in the way of my using.
* I lost motivation for any extracurricular activities.
* I lost all of my earned money in purchasing drugs and alcohol.
* I frequently found myself in dangerous and scary situations.
* I experienced physical changes, such as rapid weight loss and unbearable withdrawals.
* I lost my freedom as a result of being grounded by my parents so often.
* I lost my self-esteem and used drugs and alcohol to build an artificial confidence.
* I walked around with an overwhelming sense of guilt because of the pain I was causing my family.
* I ultimately lost the door to my bedroom when my mom decided that it was a luxury I didn’t deserve because of my secrecy when I was using.

Many of these consequences still didn’t make me quit using drugs and alcohol.  I eventually found myself at a place where I didn’t know how to stop on my own, and each time I tried I failed miserably.  My substance abuse habit had turned into an addiction that consumed all the good that was in my life, leaving nothing but destruction and misery in its path. 

On that sunny June day when I walked in on my own drug  interevention, I was shocked and angry.  I threw up all my walls and began to shut down as a defense mechanism. My addiction wanted to find any way it could to keep surviving inside of me.  The overdramatic teenage part of me felt like I was being ganged up on and I didn’t leave my intervention without a fight.  It felt like my world was coming to an end because I couldn’t picture my life without the drugs and alcohol in it.  What would I do for fun, to relax, to feel better about myself?  I thought I would have no social life and that my free time would consist of playing board games with my parents on a Friday night.  This did not seem like a fullfilling option to me as a teenager who cared a lot about what other people thought of me. 

Since my mother sought the help of professional teen interventionists, they were more than ready for my uncontrolable behavior and reasoning.  My intervention process was designed to help me face the truth about my addiction and understand how it was affecting my life and my family and to show me that my family loved me and wanted me to get help.  Everyone involved in my drug intervention handled it with love, respect, and concern, while helping me to break through the denial and motivate me to make a decision to accept the help that I needed.  I can’t imagine what would of happened to me if my mother had not taken the chance to see if the intervention would work.  It was the single most effective experience I had in that it got me into drug and alcohol treatment that saved my life. 

When you find out that your teen has been using drugs and alcohol, it’s time to accept the new reality and act sooner rather than later. Intervening to help get your child back on track is not an easy solution. Your kid may kick and scream and protest and shut down, but chances are it will help, as it did in my case.  If you aren’t getting through to your child, enlist the help of an interventionist or counselor.  As a parent, looking the other direction will only make things worse.  Nothing is ever gained by not taking action.  It is unrealistic to expect teens to make the decision to quit for themselves without being shown how.  Families have to ask themselves how far are they willing to go to help save their teen’s life.

At 12 years old that same beautiful girl child took her first drink of alcohol. Little did she know that she had opened a door to years of drama and turmoil, years of ruined relationships, loneliness, and feelings of defeat. Years of being in pain. By the time she was 14 that beautiful girl child of mine had become a black-out drinking drug user.

We rationalized that she was experimenting. Lots of kids go through wild phases, but deep inside I think we knew that this was more than that. We were afraid and ashamed and in denial…not a good combination. We worked so hard at controlling and managing what had so obviously already spun out of our grasp. We didn’t want anyone to know the depths of our fear. We hoped and prayed it would pass. But it didn’t.

We sought counseling and thankfully we were directed to Alanon Family Groups. Alanon is a 12 step program for the families and friends of alcoholics and/or addicts. Little did I know I was about to be given a road map that would lead me back to sanity. Because I had most certainly resorted to crazy behavior all in the name of saving my daughter.

I went to my first meeting when my girl was 16 years old and I cried through the whole meeting. I thought they might ask me to go outside, I was mortified, but I couldn’t stop. The dam had broken open. In that meeting I was hearing my story from so many other kindred souls. Instead those present looked at me with kindness and told me that they understood. They told me to keep coming back. To try at least six meetings before making the decision if Alanon was right for me or not.

I  am a good rule follower so I did what they told me…I kept coming back. I listened and I began to read their material and I set my fear aside and admitted that my daughter has a problem. That her life, that our lives, had become unmanageable due to addiction and I was powerless to fix it.

In those early meetings I heard about the “3 C’s”. I didn’t “cause” my daughter‘s addiction, I can’t “control” it, and I can’t “cure” it….but I can “contribute” to it by enabling and cushioning the natural consequences of my daughter‘s actions. I was encouraged to “let go.” I had a death grip on the idea that I could make this better. Nothing I had done thus far had worked, but I kept thinking if I can just find the key, if I read the right books, if I use the right tone of voice, if I put all of the pieces of her life together just so….this will stop. It will go away and I will have my child back.

The next lesson I learned was to break this journey down into manageable increments of time. I can let go and put my daughter into my Higher Power’s hands “just for today.” Just for today, for this hour, this minute, I can trust that He has her and He can manage without my constant “help.” It gave me a respite from the heavy load of worry and obsession that I was carrying. No matter how brief in the early stages, it showed me what it felt like to relinquish control little by little.

I learned that my peace and serenity could not be dependent upon whether my daughter was using or not. I learned that I can only change myself. My daughter, along with her Higher Power is the only one who can change her life of addiction.

Alanon provided me with others who “got it.” They didn’t judge me or tell me what to do. They listened and they shared ideas, but they understood that it is a program of self discovery. No one can live out my recovery but myself. In time I got a sponsor who has ended up becoming a special friend. Someone I can call anytime of the day or night who will listen and bring me back to earth when crisis hits. She reminds me of what I need to know if I begin to flounder.

It has been four years now of actively working a program of recovery in Alanon. My daughter has been in treatment twice during that time. She has a foundation of recovery that she can turn to if she ever decides she wants to commit herself to living a clean and sober life. She knows what to do and where to go to find the tools that she will need. However, she has to be the one to choose to pick them up each day. If and when she does is her business. I can’t make that happen for her. As much as I wish things were different, as much as I love her and want her to have a wonderful life full of freedom and happiness and contentment… I have learned that only she can make it happen. Just as only I can make it happen for myself too. I have had to let go of my expectations and accept life as it is. In that acceptance I have found some measure of peace, hope, and serenity.

To find an Alanon meeting near you please visit Alanon and click on the “how do I find a meeting” link. It is a safe place to be when your heart is breaking due to someone you love’s addiction.

If only there had been such helpful resources in the ’70s, perhaps my parents could have done some things differently.  But then I wouldn’t be here today, with my dream job and this wonderful opportunity to help others.  This chance to share my thoughts, insights and experiences with parents and other caregivers, is tremendously exciting and rewarding.

I began using alcohol and drugs at age 13.  My parents never talked to me about the dangers and were heavy drinkers themselves.  My father traveled frequently so raising me was left pretty much to my mom.  In my recovery journey, I have come to accept that she did the best that she could, but the truth is that her desire to be my friend more than my mother really backfired.  She was one of those mothers who thought drug use was a rite of passage and believed that sharing that experience with me would minimize the risks.  Her intentions were good but the outcome was not.  By the time I entered college, I was a full-blown alcoholic and addict.

The roots of addiction run deep throughout my family.  In addition to being an alcoholic, my mother was addicted to prescription drugs, as were her two brothers and her parents.  My older sister is, thank God, a recovering alcoholic, with almost 18 years of sobriety.  However, I watched her son, my only nephew, struggle with addiction for over 20 years.  Just like me, he began using as a teen, and just like my mother, I used drugs with him, wanting to be a “cool” aunt instead of a responsible adult.  Tragically, he died from a drug overdose almost three years ago, at the age of 36.  I often wonder what else could have been done to prevent his death.  Sometimes I feel that I failed as an aunt by not setting a good example, but I was in the midst of my own addiction, and made terrible choices.  I have made amends. 

Today, God has given me another opportunity, blessing me with two grandchildren, ages 9 and 19.  I am proud to say that they have never seen “Nana” high or drunk, and they know, because we talk about it, the dangers of drugs and alcohol.   My granddaughter, the oldest, is extremely anti-drug, and I cherish a framed, award-winning essay she wrote in the sixth grade about why she chose a drug-free life.  My grandson, whose Marine father died a hero in Iraq three years ago, has very strong feelings about not using drugs.  I am so grateful for the Partnership’s newest offering, Free Talk Kit for Military Families because it provides our family with valuable tools to help him remain drug-free.  

I am honored to be a part of this blog and look forward to sharing my experience, strength and hope with you.  If you, your child, or someone you love is struggling with drug or alcohol abuse, please don’t give up.  You are not alone and we are here to help.  Together, we can make a difference!

Then without any type of warning, when he drinks and does his drug of choice, there are no boundaries in his life and he becomes a person I don’t even know. Even his facial expression changes and he does not even look like my son. 

My son will work his fool head off to help out.  He’ll go that extra mile just to find that one item on your wish list.  He enjoys all sports but his favorite is NASCAR and he could watch it from morning till night.   He adores his nieces and nephews. He can make you laugh when you’re down or sit and hold your hand when things get rough.  He would love to have a family to call his own, but just can’t seem to find that one person who would love him. 

I watched a beautiful baby boy grow from a sweet innocent bundle of joy to a mischievous little boy.  Doing all the things that little boys do.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that one day a horrible disease would strike this child and turn him in to a monster.

As a teenager I saw changes but thought that it was just typical teenage behavior. But as days and weeks went by the typical turned into worry, and worry to fear, and that fear into desperation.

It began with small things, until the addiction enveloped his entire life.  Then it was all about how to get the money for the drugs; where to get the drugs; and then how to do the drug but not let anyone know you have.

My son has an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. He has no job, no insurance and feels so worthless.

He has become a liar, a thief and a full-blown drug addict. His cocaine addiction began back when he was only 17, his alcohol addiction did not start till he was almost 22.  He had 5 years clean at the time and was doing really well.  But that legal drug, alcohol — and thinking that just one wouldn’t hurt — took him right back to his drug of choice.  It all hits the same part of the brain.  Addiction is a brain disease.

Parents, believe me when I tell you that the roller coaster ride is unbelievable, the pain you endure is unimaginable. Yet the world expects you to go on like nothing has happened.  Families are destroyed, and those who have no clue about the devastation of this disease are always quick to put you down or blame you.

I am and always was a good parent, even without a handbook. I prayed, and did all the right things. I was guided by specialists and really believed in them. I made sure I knew about all the childhood diseases, but no one ever told me about the one that is more silent then others. The one that can take a child’s life from you without you even knowing it — the disease of addiction.  It creeps into your life and destroys your entire family and leaves you with pain loss. 

The pushers and dealers get richer and richer, they get your hard earned cash, your laptops your digital cameras, your jewelry, your family heirlooms — nothing is beyond them. They have no conscience. They don’t care what their junkie brings to them as long as it’s worth something. The addict will bring the dealer a thousand dollar laptop and the dealer will give him two $10 bags in return. And when that addict walks away, the dealer laughs and thinks, what a fool.

Each and every one of these “addicts” deserves the chance at recovery. There are great people in recovery out there working very hard every day to make this world a better place.

I will continue my fight for my child, I will swallow the pain and turn him in, see him in jail if that’s what it takes. I just do not want to bury my child.

I know today what is really meant by a broken heart.

As he was growing up I gave him what I thought was age-appropriate privacy, but once Alex broke the rules of our home by using substances, all bets were off.  I was waging an all out war against substance use and I needed as much information about my enemy (drugs) as possible.  Not only did it give me a handle on what was going on, but it allowed me to share information with his therapist so that we could determine the appropriate level of intervention – more therapy, an outpatient or inpatient program.

While he was actively using, I found drugs and drug paraphernalia in the most creative places – inside an electric pencil sharpener, under the rug in a corner of the closet, and inside books where pages had been cut out, not to mention clothing pockets and his backpack.  Checking Facebook and text messages on his cell phone also proved to be enlightening with messages like “R U puffin 2nite?”  Although I did not use computer-monitoring software like eBlaster to track instant messages and email, some parents do this as well.  

When I found my postal scales in his room, I immediately suspected that in addition to using, Alex was most likely dealing, a realization that terrified me on so many levels – his escalating drug use, the danger of dealing with drug dealers and the legal implications, to name a few. 

I carted everything I had found with us to Alex’s next therapy appointment, placed it on his therapist’s table with a dramatic flourish and said, “What do we do about this?”  As recognition flitted across Alex’s face, he blanched while the therapist commented that it didn’t “look good” and he would talk to Alex in more detail while I cooled my heels in the waiting room.

Unfortunately, Alex was masterful at spinning great stories and used his talents to get his therapist to believe that it was all a “big mistake” and everything belonged to a “friend,” although they both agreed it was the product of poor decision-making.  The therapist went on to assure me that Alex was not dealing. 

As much as I truly wanted to believe him, I had strong doubts and continued to be vigilant.  It was not long afterward that another discovery led to Alex’s placement in an outpatient program, and eventually, an inpatient program.

While Alex was in the inpatient program, my husband, younger son and I attended their Family Education Program.  When we arrived at the point in the program where the facilitator, Mark, brought up snooping, there was a great deal of giggling over the many imaginative places our teens had chosen to hide their drug stashes, wishing in a unified lament that they would channel their creativity to the good.  

One comment Mark made that has stuck with me in this regard is that we could retire our CSI-like skills when our teens returned home.  He told us that we would know long beforehand if they had chosen to start using again by their behaviors – a sort of uneasy restlessness, being short-tempered, skipping AA meetings, wanting to see former using friends, etc.

I took Mark’s advice and turned in my decoder ring and trench coat when Alex came home.  I could see that Alex was not using and prayed that it would stay that way, noticing the day in ups and downs, but nothing that signaled the return to the pre-rehab nightmare. 

The postscript is that Alex will celebrate five years of sobriety on September 27th.

So if I had it to do over again, would I snoop?  Most definitely pre-treatment.  I think parents need to know what their adolescents are doing in order to to determine the next steps to take.  Every time I found something, I imposed consequences in an effort to make Alex’s drug-using life as miserable as I could.  I wanted him to reach his bottom with drugs and I would do anything to speed up the process.  And I would encourage any parent faced with a teenager using drugs to do the same.

Facing the truth was too hard and I wanted to be able to trust my daughter and give her the freedom that any typical teenager should have.  The problem was that what we were dealing with was anything but “typical.”  

Many times I hear parents say, “But I want my kid to like me.” Dealing with a rebellious teenager is tough enough for most parents; add to that a growing addiction and you are faced with something beyond your control.  Coming from an alcoholic upbringing myself, I struggled at times with codependent tendencies, including weak boundaries and difficulty asserting myself with my kids.  Living with an active addiction in my teen triggered those inclinations.  I was an easy target as my daughter developed into a master manipulator in her quest to acquire the drugs she needed to fuel her addiction. 

Lauren needed professional help for her addiction and I needed help just as badly for my enabling ways around her disease.  One addiction counselor told me that my daughter was not ready to change because she liked her life.  What I didn’t realize was how much I was responsible for providing the comfortable environment in which her disease was thriving.  Once I implemented some “Tough Love” principles and set boundaries with money and rides, and mandated a recovery program for her if she wanted to live in my home, it rocked her world and things started to change.

Many teen substance abusers are able to reach a point where they want to recover because they cannot stand to lose any more of their former privileges. Only when addicted teens are faced with real consequences can they start to make a change.  There is help for parents available in the form of free meetings with other families who are dealing with family addiction. The purpose of these groups is to learn from one another how to stop being codependent and how to end enabling behavior.

Five ways to stop enabling behavior:

1) Attend meetings for families of addicts.
2) Get professional help for yourself.
3) Establish “Tough Love” consequences in your home.
4) Stop providing money and privileges for your substance abuser.
5) Develop a support system with other parents of addicts.

The problem was that my insides did not match up with the image I was expected to portray. I was left to figure it out on my own.  As a teenager, I vowed to never drink the way my dad did.   Little did I know that I had a genetic predisposition to become an alcoholic and an addict just like he was — and it wasn’t too long before I found myself fighting my own battle with addiction.

With little parental guidance, I found myself easily influenced by my peers.  They were the ones I turned to for the guidance I was lacking at home.  I had low self-esteem and hadn’t been taught positive decision-making skills.  My decision to try drugs for the first time was voluntary. I did it to fit in.  Maybe it would have helped if I’d heard my parents’ voice in the back of my mind telling me that I was making a bad choice, but those voices just weren’t there. Instead that first high gave me was a sense of wholeness and confidence that I had never felt before. 

I felt like I had finally found the thing that was going to fix me. My low self-esteem seemed to disappear when I was high, and the feelings of emptiness were temporarily gone. But after a while of numbing myself, no amount of drugs or alcohol could take away the emotional pain and insecurities I felt inside. Getting high just gave me artificial confidence and when it wore off I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness and fear of not knowing how to stop abusing drugs and alcohol, or who I could trust or turn to for help.  What at first seemed like a way to have fun and fit in soon turned on me and started to feel like riding in a car without any breaks. I didn’t know how to stop my addiction.

If my family had not intervened when they did, I don’t think I would have lived to see my eighteenth birthday.  I was freefalling, and it was crucial that someone stepped in to catch me before I hit the worst possible bottom. Not only was I a prisoner of my addiction, but the people I cared about were prisoners of my addiction as well.  Fighting an addiction can seem like you’re climbing a mountain that never plateaus, which is why it is so important for parents to gain an understanding of exactly what they are up against.  Doing the research, talking, listening, and living the solutions is how addicts find the tools we need to help us reach the plateau and find our way to solid ground.

Here are 5 actions my family took that saved my life:

1. They pulled out of denial and came together as a team.
2. They set rules and boundaries and made clear the consequences of breaking them.
3. They found a treatment center that specialized in teen addiction, and their team set up a proper intervention and gave me a new community of peers who did not use alcohol and drugs.
4. They educated themselves about teen drug and alcohol addiction and sought help for their own addictions.
5. THEY NEVER GAVE UP HOPE!