I was 17 years old when I walked in on my own drug intervention.  It couldn’t have come soon enough, but I realize today that it almost came too late!  My time was running out and it was exactly what I needed to help me make the decision to enter a treatment facility that specialized in teen substance abuse and addiction. 

As a teen addict, I justified my behavior because I didn’t suffer the same ramifications that most adults in my situation would (loss of home, family, marriage, job or health). I thought I was invincible and that once things got “really” bad, I could stop on my own.  In reality, I did lose a lot due to my drug and alcohol addiction.  Though I did not have some of the more severe consequences of an adult in my situation,  I certainly experienced consequences. Here’s a list of some of them: 

* I threw away friendships and had friends walk away from me, leaving feelings of loneliness.
* I lost my parents’ trust so that even when I was being honest with them they still couldn’t trust me.
* I lost all motivation to go after my goals and dreams since my ultimate motivation was to get high.
* I lost my desire to help my mom around the house.
* I lost my desire to be a good example for my younger brother.
* I lost motivation to study and stay in school, since that ultimately it got in the way of my using.
* I lost motivation for any extracurricular activities.

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Despite the fact that my son Alex was cutting his sophomore classes and ignoring mounting piles of homework assignments, he readily morphed into a Constitutional scholar right before my very eyes whenever it came to the subject of privacy.  He had no aspirations to be a lawyer, but argued like one, vehemently stating that privacy was a basic human right, protected under the auspices of the 9th Amendment.  In his pursuit of life, liberty and unfettered drug use, he felt that his room, belongings, computer, and cell phone were off limits to parental scrutiny. 

As he was growing up I gave him what I thought was age-appropriate privacy, but once Alex broke the rules of our home by using substances, all bets were off.  I was waging an all out war against substance use and I needed as much information about my enemy (drugs) as possible.  Not only did it give me a handle on what was going on, but it allowed me to share information with his therapist so that we could determine the appropriate level of intervention – more therapy, an outpatient or inpatient program.

While he was actively using, I found drugs and drug paraphernalia in the most creative places – inside an electric pencil sharpener, under the rug in a corner of the closet, and inside books where pages had been cut out, not to mention clothing pockets and his backpack.  Checking Facebook and text messages on his cell phone also proved to be enlightening with messages like “R U puffin 2nite?”  Although I did not use computer-monitoring software like eBlaster to track instant messages and email, some parents do this as well.  

When I found my postal scales in his room, I immediately suspected that in addition to using, Alex was most likely dealing, a realization that terrified me on so many levels – his escalating drug use, the danger of dealing with drug dealers and the legal implications, to name a few. 

I carted everything I had found with us to Alex’s next therapy appointment, placed it on his therapist’s table with a dramatic flourish and said, “What do we do about this?”  As recognition flitted across Alex’s face, he blanched while the therapist commented that it didn’t “look good” and he would talk to Alex in more detail while I cooled my heels in the waiting room.

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Alcohol and drug abuse was an issue we never talked about in my family.  My father was an alcoholic himself, fighting his own demons with addiction. No one talked to me about all the insanity that had gone down in my family, which included the fact that both of my parents, and some of my grandparents, suffered from addictions of their own. Everyone just wanted to sweep everything under the rug and put on a happy face. 

The problem was that my insides did not match up with the image I was expected to portray. I was left to figure it out on my own.  As a teenager, I vowed to never drink the way my dad did.   Little did I know that I had a genetic predisposition to become an alcoholic and an addict just like he was — and it wasn’t too long before I found myself fighting my own battle with addiction.

With little parental guidance, I found myself easily influenced by my peers.  They were the ones I turned to for the guidance I was lacking at home.  I had low self-esteem and hadn’t been taught positive decision-making skills.  My decision to try drugs for the first time was voluntary. I did it to fit in.  Maybe it would have helped if I’d heard my parents’ voice in the back of my mind telling me that I was making a bad choice, but those voices just weren’t there. Instead that first high gave me was a sense of wholeness and confidence that I had never felt before. 

I felt like I had finally found the thing that was going to fix me. My low self-esteem seemed to disappear when I was high, and the feelings of emptiness were temporarily gone. But after a while of numbing myself, no amount of drugs or alcohol could take away the emotional pain and insecurities I felt inside. Getting high just gave me artificial confidence and when it wore off I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness and fear of not knowing how to stop abusing drugs and alcohol, or who I could trust or turn to for help.  What at first seemed like a way to have fun and fit in soon turned on me and started to feel like riding in a car without any breaks. I didn’t know how to stop my addiction.

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I couldn’t believe it when I walked into my living room and saw a marijuana pipe lying on the couch.  You’ve got to be kidding, I thought. I knew that my children Lauren and Ryan, then 15 and 13, had been acting out. Calls from the school, neighbors, and the police regarding their behavior were escalating. Still, I didn’t want to believe they were into drugs. But now there was evidence. When my kids told me the pipe belonged to someone else, I bought right into it. The denial part was easy. Unfortunately, this made uncovering the whole story that much harder.

Over time I learned that things were much worse than I could have ever imagined. I eventually discovered that Lauren had been on a constant high of marijuana, alcohol, acid, cocaine, and PCP thanks to the generosity of a 30-year-old neighbor who happened to like girls half his age. 

“Parent Denial” is a major factor in the substance abuse epidemic that is happening with our children.  In 2007, the National Institute of Drug Abuse reported that half of all high school seniors in America have experimented with illegal drugs, and about three-quarters have tried alcohol.

According to Dictionary.com, denial is an unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings. I know first hand how easy it can be to reject the truth despite overwhelming evidence staring you right in the eye.

But hanging onto denial can be deadly for our kids. The intervention I conducted for my children, as late as it came, was a pivotal moment in our family’s steps toward healing and recovery.  When I felt the walls of denial that I had been building up to protect me begin to crumble, I felt the sting of reality. Yes, coming out of denial was painful, but it felt good, too. I was finally walking toward the truth, which was the only path to recovery. My willingness to take action was the first step in getting my children the help they needed.
 
If you’re suspicious that a child might be using, look deeper into the situation. There’s nothing to lose and only our children’s precious lives and futures to gain.   

5 REALLY GOOD REASONS TO COME OUT OF DENIAL:

1) The truth always comes out in the end anyway.
2) Early intervention can help curtail a spiraling addiction.
3) Your child is also in denial if he or she is using.
4) If one of you admits the truth, the door opens for solutions.
5) Things will only get worse if you delay facing facts.

“I found Lisa* sitting on the couch, asleep I guess or maybe passed out, with a half-eaten apple in her hand.  She looked awful.  I saw her purse on the floor and rummaged through it to see if I could figure out what she was using.  That’s when I found these little baggies labeled ‘Friends of the Night.’  I woke Lisa up and asked her what they were.  She told me they were vitamins and I sort of believed her, but I flushed them down the toilet anyway,” Marcie* explained, her voice marked with raw pain as she concluded her long and tortured story about her daughter Lisa’s drug-related adventures. 

Marcie had called me at the direction of our pastor who was familiar with our own journey in through this nightmare.

“Do you think she’s an addict?” Marcie asked me anxiously.  I knew this question so well as it was one that I wrestled with as we began to peel back the layers of our son’s drug use.  Is it really possible that the child you raised with so much love and self-sacrifice could actually be an addict?

Personally I dislike the term “addict” — for me it conjures up the picture of an anorexic-like figure slumped in a garbage-strewn gutter with a needle plunged into a vein, escaping into the euphoria of heroin.  That certainly was not the picture of our son, who, when using was occasionally glassy-eyed, but to the uninformed, was the picture of health. 

When used in conjunction with dessert or a sports team, the word addiction takes on more passionate overtones, as people gush about their chocolate cravings or the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry.  In contrast, addiction paired with substance abuse evokes so many negative images and emotions.  Although a convenient label, the term addict does not begin to describe the level of use, its impact on the user and his or her family, and underlying issues that may have contributed to the problem.  

Early in my son’s recovery I attended an AA meeting with him where one of the speakers joked, “I love to drink but every time I have a beer I have an allergic reaction – I break out in handcuffs.”  I think he was on to something – some can tolerate substance use (like the occasional glass of wine or a beer), while even the smallest amounts can be toxic for others, as with any other kind of allergy.

I told Marcie that I was not in a position to label her daughter— it was up to Lisa to make that determination.  Instead I asked her to focus on Lisa’s behaviors – the loss of interest in her favorite activities, failing her college classes, her erratic sleep patterns, the missing money and checks, her new friends, the many car accidents, unexplained absences from home, not wanting to be with family, etc.  All of Lisa’s behaviors added up to a level of substance use that required treatment.  Given what Marcie had disclosed, I suggested that she explore various levels of intervention with a professional substance abuse counselor or interventionist. Getting help was paramount – not the label.

*not her real name

You’ve  probably heard this one many times.  The teenager insists that the reason he smokes marijuana is because it helps him to chill out.  Never mind the documented evidence of the risks, parental disapproval, and legal ramifications. “And why is it so important for you to smoke marijuana to relax?,” you might ask the young champion of chill.  Explanations range from reasonable — I’m stressed out from school or my parents are bugging me, to unrealistic — it just makes my life better.   Needless to say, challenging this “chill defense” is central to reducing and or stopping the teen’s marijuana use.

I no longer debate teenagers on whether marijuana really helps them to relax or not.  Unfortunately, in some ways it does, but there is a huge price to be paid: decreased motivation, memory impairment, and dependence.  Indeed, self-medication is not the road to success.  Teens must be confronted on why they have to smoke weed to relax, and more importantly, on why they can’t find more constructive ways to reduce their stress and deal with the family and school issues that plague them.  This is no simple matter, but it lies close to the heart of the issue. 

Indeed, stressed-out, lonely, angry, rebellious, and school-challenged kids are more susceptible to marijuana use.  So, why not take them at their word?  I don’t blame you for wanting to get stoned, I’ve told teenagers as a starting point.  But the stakes are way too high.  You’re smoking away life’s opportunities and you deserve better.  Surely, there must be other ways for you to unwind and deal with your parents getting on your case.   What have you got to lose by trying? 

Parents too, must help their misguided teens to find healthier ways to relieve their angst.  In recent years, I’ve spoken with quite a few parents who have had some success.  It goes something like this:  The parent tells their child that they won’t argue about marijuana for a while (they’ve often been arguing for months or even years) if the child agrees to get involved in ongoing constructive activities and address the issues at hand.  Naturally, the teen resists but is reminded of the heavy monitoring, restrictions, and whistle blowing he will face if his marijuana involvement continues. Reluctantly, he consents and gradually enters a world outside his “stoner circle” which proves to be more gratifying than his repetitive discussions of the virtues of marijuana and seeking opportunities to get high. 

Will this approach work for everyone?  Probably not, because sometimes, young people have grown so dependent on marijuana that they can’t break away from the culture and need more powerful interventions (e.g. therapy, drug treatment, and prevention programs).  But some teens can be weaned from their drug reliance through immersion in activities such as volunteer work, martial arts, relaxation focused exercises, creative pursuits, and outdoor adventures, to name but a few.  It’s certainly worth a try before bringing in the heavy artillery. 

And keep in mind that well-deserved and valued freedom, independence of thought, and self-worth are the natural enemy of negative peer influence and the illicit drugs which induce a false sense of well-being.