If you are reading this blog, it is time.

What’s the big rush, you ask? It is a developmental given that some kids experiment with alcohol and drugs. However, the latest annual Partnership for a Drug-Free America/MetLife Foundation Attitude Tracking Study (PATS) of almost 3,300 teens and 800 parents shows that after a decade of declines in teen drug and alcohol use, rates are climbing for Ecstasy, marijuana and alcohol. We already know that prescription drug abuse by youth is a national problem and binge drinking on college campuses is a growing issue. Parents, this is no time to procrastinate.

The new PATS data indicate that 75 percent of teens say their friends usually get high at parties. Do the math.  All of us can’t have kids who don’t get high at parties. 

I am upset that cultural cues to use drug and alcohol are rampant, and that we’ve seen budget cuts in federal drug prevention and treatment programs. But what is most troubling to me is that the new PATS data indicate that parents are not acting early enough to intervene in kids’ drug use. Among parents who know their teens have used, nearly half either waited to take action or took no action. Yet we know that the earlier parents intervene, the better chance they have in preventing more serious problems.

Unfortunately, I did not have the online resources available today when my child first began smoking marijuana in middle school, taking OxyContin and nearly overdosing his first week in high school. He became addicted to heroin at age 16 and eventually crack and cocaine. How I would have loved a resource like Time to Act – a guidance tool that was created with input by scientists at the Treatment Research Institute who are on the cutting edge of addiction research, family therapists and other experts, parent volunteers who have walked your walk, as well as the dedicated Partnership staff.

There are two sections in Time to Act: one for parents who think their child is abusing substances; the other for parents who know that to be true. The information is organized, easy to understand and easy to use.

I particularly like the Need to Know section for parents in the first category, which addresses false beliefs we may have about teen drug and alcohol use. The Parent Checklist (found under “Get Focused”) for parents who know their child is using gets right to the nitty gritty:  how to respond to your teen’s anger and denial (including being called a hypocrite) and how to communicate and enforce your house rules.

My son is 22 now, clean and sober for today as a result of many actions on his part, my part, and the help of a community of tireless and caring people who take early substance abuse seriously because it can be lethal.

It’s hard to know what actions to take when you think or know your kids are using drugs. But it’s not hard to know when to do something about it – NOW. If you suspect or know your kids are using drugs, please take action.

The Partnership also has two new e-books to help parents learn how to intervene and how to get appropriate treatment for your child.  

While on vacation recently I had time to relax on the beach and reflect about our family’s situation. There was no great epiphany. However, one thing weighed on my mind concerning the language of addiction.

For many years through this journey, people have counseled my wife and I that nothing will actually change until our addict hits bottom. It was always said with sympathy and understanding in a way that I am sure was well-intentioned. As a parent trying to deal with a drug-addicted child, however, just the thought of hitting bottom was frightening. What is bottom?  How do we recognize bottom when we see it? How long will it take? And what damage is my son likely to experience on his way to bottom?

The answers from people experienced in drug and alcohol addiction were always vague and indeterminate. All the while we kept looking for that elusive bottom. And with each terrible experience we assumed, surely we had arrived there: losing his car, losing his license, losing his home, put in jail, nearly losing his life, and then, entering prison. What exactly is bottom, again?

I have been told by addicts and loved ones of addicts that bottom is different for different people. For some, it’s losing one’s family, losing one’s home or incarceration, while for others it’s the thought of losing the respect of loved ones. 

The one thing I found out for sure is that there is no determining what bottom is for another person. That is what is so frightening for a parent about this whole bottom concept. Is death considered bottom?

With all of these examples of bottom and none of them actually defining the experience, I would like to propose a different term. I suggest we call it a “profound experience.”

A profound experience is something that anyone in any situation can encounter. Large or small, this event or series of events has the impact to change a life. Following a profound experience, a person is able to gain “profound knowledge” concerning his or her life and the impact this experience has on the future. With this new knowledge a person or addict is able to put in place the necessary steps to change his or her life.

To me a profound experience more accurately describes what an addict must experience before it is possible for him or her to begin a change process. It is the inspiration that causes an addict to wake up to the fact that drug or alcohol addiction can no longer be a part of his or her life.

For me, my vocabulary concerning drug and alcohol addiction is ever-changing.

Looking for love in all the wrong places
Love at first sight
Love is blind
Love means never having to say you’re sorry

These are just a few of the themes that come to mind as I contemplate Valentine’s Day.  It occurs to me that I could tell my life story (both before and after recovery) using just the right combination of famous love quotes and song lyrics! 

I was looking for love in all the wrong places when I first tried drugs.  I just didn’t know it at the time.  Growing up in an alcoholic home was traumatic.  I was frightened most of the time and very lonely.  Drugs filled the emptiness inside and made my fear go away. 

It was love at first sight for me when it came to drugs.  Before long, nothing else mattered.  My family, friends, school and job – all took a back seat to my desire to get high.  This is the nature of the disease of addiction.   

Love is blind, especially when it comes to loving someone with a drug problem.  We see only what we want to see because the reality is much too painful.   

If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then what does it mean when our addicted loved ones keep apologizing?  Does their inability to stop using mean they don’t love us?  Of course not!  It’s just that addicts love drugs more than anything else.   

Love is complicated enough without adding addiction to the equation.  If you’re struggling with a loved one who has a drug or alcohol problem, you’ve probably been told that you need to practice “tough love.”   What does that mean?  For me, it means letting go and trusting the process.  I hope you can trust me when I tell you that “tough love” is the best gift you can give to an addict. 

This Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to begin learning this new way to love.  But please don’t forget that love isn’t just reserved for Valentine’s Day.  You can practice it every day.

I know there are many of you who have learned to practice “tough love” with your addict and I would like to hear from you.  How did you start?  How do you stay strong?  How has it helped you and/or your loved one?  Sharing your experience here can help others — and might even save a life.

The headlights of the SUV swept  across the face of the gray contemporary home just before dawn. Ever so quietly, the doors of the SUV opened as two beefy men emerged and glided like practiced dancers across the walkway to the back of the house where Diane was waiting.  Heart pounding, Diane* slid the doors open, greeted them with a curt nod, and escorted them down the dark hallway to Jake’s room.

Vaguely sensing someone’s presence, Jake awoke shielding his eyes from the harsh overhead light his mother had just switched on.  As his eyes focused, he took in the sight of the men standing behind Diane, and knew in an instant that they were here for him.  Although unsure of whether the nightmare of his drug life was over or just beginning, Jake knew with certainty that there was no escaping these men, handcuffs and leash in hand.   Ready or not, the escorts would ensure his safe, if not reticent, delivery to a treatment program in Utah.

While this probably sounds like a scene from a made-for-TV melodrama, it actually played out at our neighbor’s house several years ago as they desperately struggled to get their son, Jake, into treatment.  He had adamantly refused any help and was on a path to jail or a premature death.   As a last resort, Jake’s parents turned to escorts to get him into treatment.

Unlike Jake, there are some adolescents who recognize that their drug use is causing their lives to spiral out of control, and ask to go to treatment.  My experience is that  having this kind of insight is unusual, leaving parents wondering what to do, short of escorts, to get their son or daughter help.

In our case, we told our son, Alex, that he had to go to intensive outpatient treatment and he did not put up a fight.  The reason was that he figured he could scam the drug screens at the program (and he did) and bide his time until completion.  When his life continued to plunge into the abyss, we told him that he needed a higher level of care.  We patiently explained that he could either choose to go to inpatient treatment for a month or we would send him to a lockdown therapeutic boarding school where the only way he could come home was to graduate or age out.  Weighing his “sentences” of 18 months or more versus one month in treatment, Alex agreed to go to the inpatient program.

A few days later, he tried to renegotiate, suggesting that he really didn’t need inpatient treatment – he would recommit to the outpatient program and go to AA meetings.  My husband and I briefly discussed this privately, trying to assess whether we thought it was a viable proposal or not, especially in light of the financial burden of inpatient treatment.  In the end, we presented a unified front to Alex, and adamantly refused his request.

When we arrived at the treatment facility and began the intake process, the counselor asked Alex if he was agreeing to treatment.  Despite the fact that he was a minor at the time, if he had said no, he would not be admitted.  My entire body tensed as I waited for his reply. 

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As a young girl, two of the more traumatic things I went through were growing up with an alcoholic parent and my parents’ divorce. I tried to stuff the void I experienced with drugs and alcohol.  I never even considered the idea that I might become an alcoholic or drug addict, and I swore to myself that I would never end up like my father.  However, as I would later find out, the cards were stacked against me.  My family’s long history of drug and alcohol addictions played a huge role in where I ultimately ended up. The lifestyle itself was so familiar to me that it didn’t even register that I wouldn’t be able to stand up to the pressure to succumb to it.

I was starved for attention as a kid, and I didn’t have the coping skills I needed to go through the kinds of things the adults around me were putting me through. I became a great actress, with the ability to mold myself into what others wanted me to be, a trait that came in handy once I started using full time. The fact that I gave into peer pressure—big time—is no big surprise. Other people’s solutions to what I was going through—no matter how much bad judgment was there—was an easy way to let myself off the hook for my own behavior.

I wanted to fit in and feel better about myself. Because I didn’t feel like I could turn to my parents for advice and guidance, I turned to my peers. As a teenager who was already full of apprehension and anxiety, getting caught up and swept away by peer pressure was just another high. Stealing alcohol from the local grocery store seems like a good idea until the cops show up and you’re busted. As a teen I had a hard time grasping that my own judgment was impaired. I kept making bad decisions because I desperately wanted to belong and be accepted.

At first drugs and alcohol gave me confidence, self-esteem, and filled that void I’d carried around with me for so many years.  I found I could carry on a conversation without first dissecting every word that came out of my mouth.  It made me feel like I was a part of something instead of an outsider looking in. But eventually all the drugs, alcohol, and bad judgment turned

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On this Thanksgiving, when I happen to be facing a lot of change and uncertainty, I remain certain of one thing:  My recovery will always be at the top of my gratitude list, as it is the most precious gift I’ve ever received.  I am so grateful to God for this life that I have now – it is full of blessings! 

The continued love and support of my family is also on this year’s list, as well as the unconditional love of my extended “recovery” family.  Lastly, I am especially grateful for my two incredible grandchildren and the tremendous joy they have brought to my life. 

During difficult times, cultivating an attitude of gratitude can be a real challenge, but it has always worked for me.  It reminds me of the many blessings I have and takes the focus off of what may be missing.  For families impacted by addiction, including mine, the holiday season can be especially painful.  In addition to the stress of active addiction, there may be loved ones no longer with us, and we miss them deeply.  

And it sure isn’t easy for parents and caregivers who are full of concern about a child’s drug or alcohol problem or addiction. As Annette points out, these feelings are numerous and intense:  fear, anger, guilt, panic, sadness, confusion, disbelief and more.

I hope somewhere in the throes of all those emotions, you are able to discover your own attitude of gratitude. Feel like sharing? Let us know –  big or small — what are you most grateful for this Thanksgiving?

What feelings rise up in the hearts of parents when they discover that their beautiful, intelligent child is using drugs or drinking massive amounts of alcohol? What about when they get that first phone call from the police department saying they have your child down at the station…who you thought was in his room sleeping. Or when you find that empty vodka bottle under his bed, or the drugs and paraphernalia hidden in places he thought you would never look.

I know these feelings intimately: fear, anger, guilt, panic, sadness, confusion, disbelief… and that only names a few.

How do you manage these feelings? What do you do with them? Their intensity is huge and seems to take over, making you behave irrationally, illogically, hysterically — or maybe they completely immobilize you as you sink into despair, not knowing what on earth to do about your young adult’s drug and alcohol addiction.

This was so not a part of my plan back when I first carried that beautiful infant into our home. We watched her grow, taught her to ride a bike, read her stories, held her close and loved her freely.  How did we get here? What happened?

As the depth of my daughter Hallah’s drug and alcohol use became more and more apparent, my husband and I were devastated. I was riddled with feelings of guilt… How had I failed her?  I was so deeply afraid. How far would this go?  Why was this happening and what could I do to bring peace and healing to my family?

Over time I have gained some skills that have helped me manage my emotions better. I still have not “arrived” and probably never will, as this is an ever-changing journey. Given the right circumstances I can quickly fall back into old behaviors and habits.  The difference now is that I have a set of tools that I can pull out and use to get myself back on track. The life I was living in the beginning of this journey was ruled by anger, fear and frustration. I would throw my authority around as the mom to try to bring order where it felt like there was none. 

For the sake of myself, my daughter and the rest of my family I had to figure out how to navigate this rough terrain of drug and alcohol addiction and come out alive and well on the other side with a heart that knew how to give and receive forgiveness and love.

My 5 Best Tools for Coping With My Young Adult’s Drug and Alcohol Addiction:

1. Acceptance
By accepting that our family, our daughter, was in the throes of the disease of addiction and there was no other way out than through, I could get to the business of finding my way. Our life is what it is, filled with joy, skepticism, times of great hope, and also dark times filled with deep sorrow.  I had to learn to embrace the process that we had been thrust into.

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Posted by Annette  /  Filed under Addiction, Alcohol, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Recovery, Taking Care of Yourself  /  Comments: more

When my daughter was spinning out of control from her addiction, there were difficult decisions to be made. One of the most frustrating things was seeking treatment options for her. I spent a lot of time, effort, and money on programs that did not work — before finding a successful solution.

Failed attempt number one began when I called the number on the back of my insurance card and followed the recommendation to admit Lauren into an adolescent psychiatric hospital. Most of their patients were there for severe mental and emotional problems that required medication. They were not prepared to take on a case like Lauren and made many suggestions that were actually detrimental, like suggesting I send her away to spend time with relatives after her release. Even with ongoing counseling, once she returned home, she was back to business as usual.

The second attempt was a local hospital offering an outpatient substance abuse program. This was equally dismal since their primary strategy for helping her was telling her she needed to change her ways.  When the head counselor informed me they were kicking her out of the program because she was still using drugs and supplying them to other patients, I fought back.  Why did they think I had her there in the first place?  Weren’t they supposed to be the experts?

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What do I know about blogging?  That question occurred to me when I was asked by my colleagues to host this blog.  I quickly realized that I don’t need to know anything about blogging — only about this topic, which is near and dear to my heart.  Frankly, I consider myself an expert on drug and alcohol abuse, having used almost every drug on the planet prior to entering recovery over 21 years ago. 

If only there had been such helpful resources in the ’70s, perhaps my parents could have done some things differently.  But then I wouldn’t be here today, with my dream job and this wonderful opportunity to help others.  This chance to share my thoughts, insights and experiences with parents and other caregivers, is tremendously exciting and rewarding.

I began using alcohol and drugs at age 13.  My parents never talked to me about the dangers and were heavy drinkers themselves.  My father traveled frequently so raising me was left pretty much to my mom.  In my recovery journey, I have come to accept that she did the best that she could, but the truth is that her desire to be my friend more than my mother really backfired.  She was one of those mothers who thought drug use was a rite of passage and believed that sharing that experience with me would minimize the risks.  Her intentions were good but the outcome was not.  By the time I entered college, I was a full-blown alcoholic and addict.

The roots of addiction run deep throughout my family.  In addition to being an alcoholic, my mother was addicted to prescription drugs, as were her two brothers and her parents.  My older sister is, thank God, a recovering alcoholic, with almost 18 years of sobriety.  However, I watched her son, my only nephew, struggle with addiction for over 20 years.  Just like me, he began using as a teen, and just like my mother, I used drugs with him, wanting to be a “cool” aunt instead of a responsible adult.  Tragically, he died from a drug overdose almost three years ago, at the age of 36.  I often wonder what else could have been done to prevent his death.  Sometimes I feel that I failed as an aunt by not setting a good example, but I was in the midst of my own addiction, and made terrible choices.  I have made amends. 

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My son, in his late 20s, is a wonderful young man. He is the kind of son every mother dreams of — caring, loving, always doing the right thing, and he would do everything and anything to help you.

Then without any type of warning, when he drinks and does his drug of choice, there are no boundaries in his life and he becomes a person I don’t even know. Even his facial expression changes and he does not even look like my son. 

My son will work his fool head off to help out.  He’ll go that extra mile just to find that one item on your wish list.  He enjoys all sports but his favorite is NASCAR and he could watch it from morning till night.   He adores his nieces and nephews. He can make you laugh when you’re down or sit and hold your hand when things get rough.  He would love to have a family to call his own, but just can’t seem to find that one person who would love him. 

I watched a beautiful baby boy grow from a sweet innocent bundle of joy to a mischievous little boy.  Doing all the things that little boys do.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that one day a horrible disease would strike this child and turn him in to a monster.

As a teenager I saw changes but thought that it was just typical teenage behavior. But as days and weeks went by the typical turned into worry, and worry to fear, and that fear into desperation.

It began with small things, until the addiction enveloped his entire life.  Then it was all about how to get the money for the drugs; where to get the drugs; and then how to do the drug but not let anyone know you have.

My son has an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. He has no job, no insurance and feels so worthless.

He has become a liar, a thief and a full-blown drug addict. His cocaine addiction began back when he was only 17, his alcohol addiction did not start till he was almost 22.  He had 5 years clean at the time and was doing really well.  But that legal drug, alcohol — and thinking that just one wouldn’t hurt — took him right back to his drug of choice.  It all hits the same part of the brain.  Addiction is a brain disease.

Parents, believe me when I tell you that the roller coaster ride is unbelievable, the pain you endure is unimaginable. Yet the world expects you to go on like nothing has happened.  Families are destroyed, and those who have no clue about the devastation of this disease are always quick to put you down or blame you.

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