Detaching With Love: How I Learned to Separate My Son and His Addiction

Acceptance, Addiction, Codependency, Confronting Teens, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Enabling, Family members, parenting, Patience, Substance Abuse, tough love, Uncategorized:

Detaching With Love: How I Learned to Separate My Son and His Addiction

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

My son Alex shoplifted to support his addiction. Needless to say he got caught several times. The first few times, when he was a minor, we’d get a call to come pick him up, and he’d get a ticket, and we’d pay a big fine and take him to court services for his probation and take him to a psychologist. This went on for a couple years.

When he turned 18, he was no longer a minor, and with his record they’d take him to jail. He’d make that phone call from jail, “Please come and bail me out. I’m never going to do this again.” Off we’d go. After a while, this was getting expensive. And my wife Darlene and I were not learning our lessonâ€”and, by the way, neither was our son. We were doing the same thing over and over, and our son was doing the same thing over and over. Nothing was changing. He’d make the same promises, we’d take the same action, and we couldn’t understand why he kept using!

This is where the idea of â€œdetachingâ€ and setting boundaries started with us. We decided we werenâ€™t going to pay bail next time.

But it wasnâ€™t easy. As a mom and dad it is very hard to think of your child sitting in jail. In Jackson County, MO, jail he witnessed a person getting stabbed. The food is universally bad at jails, and without money on your books, you can’t even get a toothbrush to brush your teeth. He had food stolen from him and at times had to fight to keep it. He spent two days in solitary confinement for defending himself against an inmate who attacked him. Some jails put the mentally ill in with criminals such as rapists and murderers, and then put them all in together with the drug addicts. It makes no sense to me.

It’s hard to think of yourself as a loving parent when you know that for just a few hundred dollars you could get your child out of those situations. You wonder: if I don’t pay the bail, am I really a loving parent? But eventually, the day comes when you don’t pay. We once let our son sit in the â€œJohnson County, KS, Resortâ€ for 11 days because we wouldn’t post a $50 bond. Sounds mean doesn’t it?

This is about detaching with love and not enabling. Your boundaries must match your values. It works for us this way. Overriding all is the value that we love our son. When you sit down to think about and discuss boundaries, this goes at the top of the page. Every single boundary is tested against that value.

Another value we hold close and taught our kids is that stealing is wrong. Stealing carries consequences, and it should. Bailing him out removes or minimizes the consequences. Contrary to our values, we were bailing him out. We hated what he was exposed to in jail; however, we had established a pattern: he got caught, he called, we jumped with cash in hand.

Darlene and I sat down and determined where we would go and where we would no longer go. This began to help us establish our boundaries. You canâ€™t cover all of the possible situations; you just cover what you can and know that once you learn how to judge behaviors and fight the instinct to enable by rescuing, the exercise becomes easier and more natural.

Once boundaries are determined, you must sit down with your child, an addict that may or may not be high at the time, and explain where you will no longer go with him. In fact you can even start each sentence with, “Because we love you…â€ and then, for instance, â€œwe can no longer bail you out of jail. All of your life we taught you that stealing was wrong and you know that in your heart, so we cannot support your actions by bailing you out of jail when you do something you have been taught all your life is wrong. I hope you understand this and can accept our decision.”

For each boundary we had discussed, the conversation went like that. Our son hated it when we turned off the TV and asked him to sit down at the table to talk. This satisfied our need to tell him of our expectations, and it told him what to expect from us. Yes, he still called, begged, pleaded and cried from jail, but what we had been doing in the past didn’t work and was bad for us and him. We had to change the rules, but that didn’t mean we loved him less. It meant we loved him more because it hurt us terribly to let him sit in jail.

Even with his begging and pleading we were still able to sleep at night and have a moment of down time. He was in jail and we knew jail was safer than being on the street scoring and shooting more heroin. We then began to see jail as “protective custody.”

We detached from Alex’s crimes and actions; we did not detach from him. We still loved him, took some of the $10-for-10-minute collect calls from jail. On those calls we always ended by saying that we loved him and asking him to please help himself. We were doing all we could and all we knew to do. Detach from the actions, crimes, drug use, lying and every other terrible thing a drug addict does to himself and others. Love and support the person inside, not the addiction controlling the life.

Today, Alex is two-and-a-half years sober.

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Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Acceptance, Addiction, Codependency, Confronting Teens, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Enabling, Family members, parenting, Patience, Substance Abuse, tough love, Uncategorized

Thanks you for this timely blog post. I have been aware of the behavior of enabling for some time, but until recently was not aware of the behaviour of detachment. Last week I read my first book on the detachment subject and in it the book used stories of individuals to teach the concept. The book’s author was a strong proponent of Alanon groups. I am planning on checking out the local group after the holidays. I don’t know if that will help, but I guess it can’t hurt.

My 16 year old son, soon to be 17, is living on “his own” with the help of government social assistance, and has been doing so for about a year now. He chose this path for a number of reasons – no house rules/responsibilities (he is a poster child for oppositional defiance disorder), free money provided to him on a regular basis, no requirement for school (real school), etc. In my mind, social assistance here in Canada is a great enabler. Essentially in the case of my son, the government might as well buy and supply the pot/coke/heroin/etc. directly and cut out the dealer … the welfare money, along with proceeds from theft finance my son’s addiction.

I am struggling with the concept of detachment. I beat myself up regularly – I use the “I’m not a loving parent” stick to whip myself daily; the idea that I can’t/won’t help my son and don’t interact with him regularly is eating me up inside. I have 2 other boys who I see on weekends. It seems so unfair that I can feed, cloth and have a normal father-son relationship with them and I can’t with my oldest son. I constantly feel guilty for all the things I do with and for my 2 youngest boys because I can’t do those with my oldest son – it would be enabling his addiction … I think. I’m not sure.

I rationalize that helping him with things like finding an apartment, buying his groceries and clothes are wrong actions to take because they are enabling actions. I still don’t know for sure. Different people I talk to have different levels of understanding of enabling. It all gets so confusing. I attended a meeting of parents of addicts to try and find some help with my struggle. In that meeting most of the parents related stories that,I know from reading articles like this one, are clear acts of enabling. Obviously those parents didn’t see their actions as enabling. My conclusion was that this group of parents consisted of parents at different points along the path of understanding enabling and detaching. Or, I am just out to lunch on the whole subject of enabling and detachment. I’m not sure.

On the few occasions we speak, I try to promote the idea of addiction counselling and rehabilitation to my son. Several weeks ago things had gotten so bad for him with regard to unstable living conditions, lack of groceries, being cut off from social assistance, etc., he made the decision to attend rehab. I saw this as the “hitting bottom” moment I have been waiting for for so long. My ex-wife and I were actively involved in the in-take procedure and drove him to the rehab location, sat with him and made sure he was all set up with what he needed for the 90 day stay. He lasted 10 hours and then was asked to leave because he brought pot with him and pushed a counselor who was dealing with him at the time. I later found out that he had learned just prior to leaving for rehab, that his social assistance support was back on and he had money waiting for him and the prospect of a paid-for apartment.

Within days the apartment promise evaporated and he was homeless again. Welfare and local agencies provided him with a motel room, but I think that ran out within a week or two. During that time he “begged” to stay with me and begged to stay with his mother and his brothers. I declined to provide him with shelter since I thought it was an enabling action and I could not provide the constant supervision he required. I reinforced the idea of returning to rehab. My ex-wife graciously offered shelter and made sure I felt like crap about my decision. Did I do the right thing ? I’m not sure.

After 3 days he was back on the street; his mother changed her mind about the situation. My son was back on the streets homeless and without food. He regularly calls me and his mother asking for groceries and supplies. I decline again and again to enable him and try to remind him that I am available to help if/when he chooses to go back to rehab. I have talked to the counselor at the original rehab facility and they will take him back when he is ready. Now, on the rare occasions we talk, I make sure he is aware of his options. I also explain to him about the struggle I have with providing him with a means to conduct his current lifestyle.

He no longer calls me … at all. He stays in contact with his mother and when she deems it appropriate, she shares information about him with me. Am I a mean person – a monster for the actions I have taken ? Am I taking this enabling concept to an extreme, or is it an extreme behavior by definition ? Should I provide groceries, shelter and other supplies to my addict son? I’m not sure anymore.

It’s Christmas time now. Do I invite him to Christmas dinner ? Do I provide shelter to him ? Do I put my other 2 sons at risk from the drugs he will bring with him ? If I do open my door to him, I can set a no drug rule, but those rules never meant anything to him in the past; will he abide by them now ?

To those readers who have gone through a similar situation and came out the other end successfully – what can you suggest to me ?

Thank you so much for sharing this. It helps me tremendously and gives me the strengh and reassurance to do the same thing with regards to my daughter. It’s so hard for me to not rescue her when bad things happen, because it goes against every single grain of motherly instincts.

Thank you for be so open and honest with yourselves during what was your nightmare. My prayers continuing to flow towards you, Darlene, and your kids.

I too am wondering if I am a bad mother. It is the first real snowstorm of the year and my son is out there and I won’t go get him. I am fairly new to this way of helping my son, rescuing him was easier on my heart, but was not helping him. My x-mas present to him was reconnecting his phone so I could feel better knowing he could call 911 if he needed to. Gonna be a tough christmas for us here…..
Thanks for sharing, nice to know I’m not alone.

Each and every time my son asked me for help I would ask myself if the help I was providing was supporting his addiciton or was it supporting his recovery. If the answer was yes to supporting his addiction then I choose not to be a part of his request.

I was able to do this because I kept in contact with my alcohol/drug counselor and my sponsor from a parent 12 step support group. In addition, I read every book suggested to me about addiction.

It took me years to get to the point where I both understood the disease and was strong enough not to enable my child. Recovery is hard work for everyone, not just the addicted child.

Ron,
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to hear from other parents that are going through similar situations.
I have two sons that are addicted. One that lives away from home and works but is still addicted and needs help but won’t seek it. My other son lives at home and it is a daily struggle for me to set boundaries and keep sane. I found out five months ago about their addiction and was hopeful that once I knew what was going on, WE could change it. For months I have been reading one book after another, trying to understand what I need to do to help them. I talk to them both, encouraging rehab (demanding it at times), listening to their promises for recovery, hearing their heartbreak and feeling their pain. I work full time and the feelings of anger, pain, shock and depression over them just not getting over the drugs don’t leave me. I’ve been reading a book lately (Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children) that is helping me to understand the disease of addiction and that they have to do it on their own and us parents have to take care of ourselves, first and foremost. I know the road ahead is going to be rough but I also know that, like you, I must set more boundaries and stick with them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on boundaries, I think they are what helps to maintain sanity. Right now, I feel like I am just waiting for the next issue to arise due to their addiction when all I really want is to relax and enjoy my home again. I will continue to read my self help books and have a list of local al-anon meetings that I will also continue to attend. I came to this website this morning, looking for other parents of addicts stories and was so thankful for your and Liz’s notes. Thank you for also mentioning the holidays too, I’ve been struggling with guilt over how I can what to enjoy the season with my sons dealing with their disease and the forthcoming consequences of their actions. I wish you peace this holiday season. Thanks again for sharing!

Right up front I want to say one thing very clearly. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

You have established boundaries and you are healthier for doing that. It is your sons decision to accept help, you can’t fix him. Nor can you or his mother negotiate away his addiction. The more you and her can talk openly about this the better it is for your son. And you will not always agree and that is OK. My wife and I decided up front between ourselves how we needed to handle issues in which we didn’t agree, what was our fall back position with fighting. We were able to do that together but seek help or a counselor if you aren’t able to work that issue alone. It is very important.

To your questions at the end of your e-mail. There are no hard fast answers. It all comes down to your boundaries. How are you able to interact with your son based upon your values and your boundaries? That’s the real question and when you are able to answer that one the other answers become easier. I know this probably sounds like a great non-answer but that’s really how it works if you want to help yourself and your son.

Good Luck and feel free to write any time. If you want to read more about how we dealt with our son feel free to read our personal blog: http://www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com Our son has been clear and sober for over 2.5 years but if you want to read what it was like during his active addiction go back in the archives to July 2010 and prior.

I also highly recommend you seek out a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. Seek out help. Speak to other parents of addicts, a counselor or call The Partnership Helpline 1-855-DRUGFREE. You do not have to do this alone. There are many others you can use for help,

You are a good mother. You are doing what you must do to take care of yourself and your son. It is tough and I know from personal experience how you feel and know where you are right now. Feel free to write any time.

Also feel free to visit our personal blog. It is more of a day to day account of parenting an addict. Today our son is over 2.5 years clear and sober but you can read about his active addiction by going back in the archives to July 2010 and prior. http://www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com

I must say it was a very tough decision for you to be like that to your son. I am sure you loved and cared your kid and wanted his good well being and sobreity more than anything for his own good.

But the act you did was really brave, not all parents can be that strong and may fall for their kids demands and won’t be able to teach any valuable lesson to them.

I am sure he must be full of gratitude and now he is adult enough to understand that love was behind the harsh decisions taken for him.

There is a point where you cannot go any further with an addict. It varies from situation to situation because no two circumstances are the same. I know this because I found out the hard way. I lost my sister to alcoholism back in 2001. Back then the thinking was “Tough Love” all the way…no if’s and’s or but’s !! I know now that there was a point where we could have offered more to her as far as love, encouragement,and emotional support but we had learned to detach and don’t look back ideology. Looking back this was too severe. I know today that it was her decisions that caused Janie’s untimely death but I also know I could have done more like I said above. I have to live with that and some days are better than others. I am also a former addict so I have been on both sides of this thing. I commend the gentleman who wrote the above article and his story is proof that what he did will work out in the long run. But he had to find those important boundaries and decide where they would draw the line. That line has to be drawn…it has to be drawn or both you and the addict will become a part of a descending, progressive, and fatal affliction. It’s predictable!

I do not have an alcohol or drug problem. Bur when i was an R.N. I became interested in cognitive behavioral education or therapy (pick your choice of words). I worked briefly with a psychologist who had that training. I wanted to combine health promotion with cognitive behavioral therapy.
Quite separate from that venture I realized that I had an addiction to a pill swallowing phobia. The pills were legitimate prescriptions. It was the fear that I was addicted to meaning fear of choking. I tried this therapy on myself. I threw the book at myself. It worked! I tried multiple techniques. It took persistence and considerable time because one has to retrain one’s thinking and practice practice practice. Another important point. We can overcome an addiction but we must remember that we are very vulnerable to recidivism. Therefore we have to stay in practice! Thanks.

Thank you, to all of you, for your wise, timely words. We are in the process of being truly commited to detaching with love. Our son knows we are here to support his recovery and that is all. He also knows we expect him to take the first step independent of us. We have lived this addiction for the last 8 years. It has progressed from alcohol to shooting heroin. Many times we rescued our son and it has taken our own insanity and risk of our own health to say…No more. My Higher Power, Hazelden readings, and Alanon teachings have provided me with the strength I need to get healthy and truly help my son. Get out of their way. They can amaze you. Prays to all parents struggling and to the addicts they love.

To George I took feel like a bad mother because I have set boundaries with my 19 year old daughter and she has let me know that she hates me because of it. She lives with her father who has consistently enabled her (the reason I left). He feels that he needs to help her by giving her money, allowing her to continue having a driving her car. She has reluctantly accepted rehab (I don’t think she’ll make it – her father believes her). She’s an addict & lies. I mostly feel selfish because I refuse to give up my life, money that I don’t have & have set boundaries. In fact, a “friend” who has a daughter who’s an addict with a child thinks that I am just such a selfish person because I refuse to see my daughter when she’s high or to help her in any possible way. I cannot stand to see her as she is now it hurts way too much. The only support that I have given her is going to therapy with her & paying for it & occasionnally have spent the day with her thinking she was not high (later realizing that she was). She just needed to know that I was there I suppose & initiated these outings. Always telling me that she was doing good using the Suboxone that had been prescribed. I found out 2 days ago that the longest she went without her drug of choice was 3 days. Again lies.
I have spent the last week crying on the spur of the moment & I’m stuck meaning I haven’t been able to leave my house. This a nightmare!
I think your doing the right thing for sure! I see my husband enabling her & nothing changes for her. She has a warm house to live in, doesn’t work (does drugs all day)goes out at night (every night) goes home or not. He doesn’t know what she’s doing & seems to not care & she thinks he loves her & I don’t. So be it! Nothing I can do about it. Maybe when & if she goes into rehab and relapses he’ll get it. I don’t even have hope at this point.

Susan, I’m so sorry for your pain. My husband has been my children’s enabler all along, not just with drugs. I think we have to treat the enabler the same as the addict. You can invite him to al-anon meetings or recommend books like others have mentioned here. The “Don’t let your kids kill you” title got my attention. Even, if I had known about that earlier, I doubt my husband would have gone or read anything, anyway. As the addict, he may not want help. The more you don’t enable, the more he will have the consequences of enabling. The more you can remove resources, the better. For example, put your money in a seperate account and decide exactly what you will pay for. I understand why you may have had to leave. You may find that if he didn’t enable, you may be under more stress when the addict is suffering. But, at least it is suffering for a purpose – to bring about change.
I have thought many times about “disappearing”, but there are grandchildren. My husband passed away, so the pressure will hit me. My son doesn’t know what I won’t do now that his father is out of the picture. I did get him an e-cig and he seems to be using it with few returns to cigarettes. But pot is still in the picture. I give him gas, not money, for going to job interviews with the promise he will pay me back when the tax returns come. If he doesn’t pay me back, that will be hard for both of us. I will have to set a new boundary.
Even if the addict gets sober, you cannot be sure what the future holds. You have to try not to get whipped around by hope. I think this is where the detachment approach is important. It seems, you have to maintain it for ever and maybe with everyone. I have to learn about that. I’m really just getting started. The problem with al-anon meetings is it seems like it takes for ever to figure out what is going on and what “work it” means. I need a class and a text book.
I have thought it would be good if there could be a community with walls around it for the addicts to be in a safe sober environment, but now I’m thinking it would be good if there were such a safe environment for us…physical detachment and no misguided pressure. I will never forget the doctor telling my son, at 16, that drugs could ruin his life and his parents lives and his saying, “I don’t care.” I wish the doctor told us to go to as many al-anon meetings as possible, right away, and stick with it for 6 months before forming an opinion about its usefulness. One thing I did do is make sure my husband was the one who went to the doctor with him after that so I didn’t buffer him from the consequences.
It may sound like I’m just giving advice, but I’m looking forward to what I can learn from other people who comment.

I ALSO HAVE A SON WHO IS ON DRUGS, SINCE HE WAS 13 HE IS NOW 44 AND IS STILL ON THEM, I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I KNOW, I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH I AM NOW LOOKING FOR HELP READING ALL THIS HAS HELPED ME SEE I AM NOT ALONE, SOMETIMES I ASK GOD FOR HELP BUT I KNOW IT IS UP TO ME, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START, I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY NO TO HIM. I AM LOOKING FOR MEETINGS BUT VERY HARD TO FIND, I LIVE IN MILWAUKEE WI. EVERY THING I READ HERE I NEED TO PUT IN MY ONE LIFE. THANK YOU PEOPLE VERY MUCH

All, we are not alone. The admission that there is a problem, there is nothing you can do to stop it, and detachment are, I think, key to lessening/stopping the enabling. I keep my sanity by attending Alanon. At Alanon you will meet people like us. Alanon is not an automatic cure, you have to gradually pick up tools that you chose to use–take what you like and leave the rest. It helped me with my emotional health. Read as much as you can. As far as the addict, I think that the sobering up is just as scary for the addict–life without their quick escape drug is probably scary. My daughter told me once that she wanted to stop so bad, but couldn’t get off the merry-go-round. It wasn’t till I literally cut her off that she stopped–first used methodone (she got tired of it) and suboxone finally weaned her off heroin. She felled so deep that it frustrated her to crawl out of that deep hole. I keep encouraging her that it will all be worth it that a clean life is better that keeping her dealer in his Navigator SUV. I pray every single day–sometimes several times a day that she will remain in recovery. God bless all you parents and spouses and the addicts that we love so much.

My heart aches for you, and all the parents reading this blog. I have concluded that the best thing I can do for you or any other parent facing this problem is to let you know that others share your pain, that others face the same problem, and to support you in making the hard decisions that are unfortunately necessary. Ceasing to enable an addict child does not feel good, and does not feel like what a loving parent should do. Unfortunately it is an essential step in addressing your child’s addiction.

My husband and I have been dealing with our 27 year old son’s drug addiction for the past 10 years. Other parents and counselors tried to tell me that I was part of the problem and that my enabling would only prolong the course of the disease, but I couldn’t accept it. Like my son, I had to learn by hard experience. I participated in a support group for parents of children with co-occurring disorders, and was horrified to see parents in their 60s, 70s, and 80s still struggling with their own tendency to enable, and their own feelings of failure and sorrow and pain at their child’s struggle. I finally “got it” when I read Ron Grover’s 7 Truths About My Drug Addict That Took 5 Years to Learn (on this site). I was on the brink of losing my marriage as well as my child and this article helped me to accept that there is no “fix” and that I had to change my behavior. The changes were hard (refusing to bail our son out of jail, refusing to hire a lawyer to defend him, and seeing him sent to prison for 5 years) but they were necessary. I had to face the fear that my son would kill himself and accept that it is his choice, not mine. As long as your son thinks he can manipulate you he will continue to do so–to his detriment and yours.

I encourage you to keep reading this blog and to seek out support from other parents who have dealt with their child’s drug addiction. My experience has been that only those who have struggled with this issue truly understand.

As parents of a son/daughter with a substance use disorder, we often carry with us unmanaged/untreated anger, fear and resentment about our son/daughters substance use disorder/co occurring disorder. Though our feelings about our circumstances are, absolutely, understandable; these feelings also serve as barriers to recovery -And, unfortunately, make responding effectively/appropriately, to our son/our daughter’s chronic condition of addiction, much less likely.

Some of the traditional ‘detachment strategies’ under the heading ‘tough love’ will tend to exacerbate an addiction and increase risk, as well as pile on further contention, distance and stress, to the relationship/relational dynamic between parent(s)and their substance use disordered son/daughter, -especially when the parent is overwhelmed and implementing these tough love techniques while under the influence of their own sense of anger/fear/resentments (anxiety).

Actions/decisions/responses, in regard to addiction, that are associated with ‘tough love’, inacted under the influence of anxiety, generally serve very little….least of all the person who needs/deserves help ‘the most’ -That being the individual with the chronic condition of addiction.

There is greatly diminished probability of an addicted individual engaging/achieving sustainable recovery when their family member’s decision making/interactions are limited by their unacknowledged and/or unmanaged and/or untreated anxiety about their extremely difficult circumstances -the circumstances of parenting a child with a chronic condition.

It isnt surprising to hear folks sharing the all too common stories about parents having attended peer support groups, (for decades, even)… yet, after all that intensive commitment/attendance, and after following all those automatic advisements of ‘detach’, ‘you’re an enabler’, ‘take care of yourself, ‘don’t support them/help them, because you’re only making it worse because you’re just in denial about ‘your addict’, ‘let them suffer the consequences of their choices’, and on, this common list, goes; very often their son or daughter has made little to, perhaps, even, no progress in engaging recovery.

‘Tough love’ applications are subjective, at best. If we are considering following advisements of a peer/peers; we need to consider that just because these parent peers ‘have been there’, it doesn’t mean that their advisements are appropriate, or even safe, when applied to ‘our’ particular circumstances, our particular son/daughter.

We need to be mindful about allowing influence by others/peers (well intended though they might be)that would have us viewing/seeing our son/daughter -who is challenged with a substance(s) use disorder/co occurring, (chronic condition/disease)- as a ‘liar’, a ‘thief’, and/or any other of these stigma/stereotype-generating characterizations…on the premise that seeing them in this way will ‘somehow’ protect us from being ‘manipulated’ by ‘our addict’.

These kinds of advisements are not ‘actual’ support. Predominantly, these kinds of advisements promote a sense of hopelessness about our circumstances, increasing worry and doubt, (anxiety) about our son/daughters ability to engage their own recovery process. These kinds of narratives about our sons/daughters, with a substance use disorder/co occurring disorder, won’t facilitate the necessary spirit required for productive recovery-purposed communications and actions.

These so called advisements, mostly, just tend to make everyone involved feel worse/less hopeful about their circumstances, promote more distance, contention and dysfunction in the relational dynamic between parent/addicted son/daughter….which, can, serve to trigger increase in the use of substances for coping by the addicted individual, thereby increasing the risks associated.

As a result of current, intensive studies in behavioral science, family systems studies, and neurological science/brain science – there is compelling evidence that shows that implementations of ‘tough love’ can decrease the odds for recovery, making the road much more treacherous and hopeless for individuals with a substance use disorder/co occurring disorder, as well as it adding stress for parents/family members (CSOs). Stress decreases hope and sense of self efficacy. Hope and sense of self efficacy is a clinical component in recovery. There will be no recovery in absence of these.
When we are hope-depleted in the journey of addiction, we are also much more inclined to exist in a chronic state of chronic anger, fear, frustration and resentment about our challenge. And this can be the case, despite those many support group meetings we attend. Not only will these negative feelings/narratives infiltrate/dominate every interaction we have with our son/daughter – who is struggling to engage their own sense of self efficacy about their challenge- but, that state of our unresolved anxiety (fear, anger, resentment, negative narratives/perspectives about our son/daughter) will, in turn, have us making decisions about how to respond to the challenges of addiction with less discernment. Less discernment = more risk.

Parents please read this Drugfree.org Intervene Community blog from 2011, written by an expert in the addictions field, Dr Pantalone, on the CURRENT and well regarded communication-serving, recovery-serving, family systems serving approach known as Motivational Interviewing. Pay particular attention to his instruction on the â€˜spirit of approachâ€™ regarding talking to/communicating with your son/daughter about their substances use.
http://intervene.drugfree.org/2011/08/teens-only-listen-to-one-personthemselves-how-a-childs-own-reasons-for-change-lead-to-the-most-success/

In addition, in reference to another Drugfree.org Intervene blog on the dangers of ‘boot camps’ (i.e tough love approaches/treatment), http://intervene.drugfree.org/2013/01/be-cautious-of-boot-camps-and-wilderness-programs-for-your-addicted-teen/- which featured the work/perspectives of the highly regarded neuroscientist/journalist/recovered person, Maia Salavitz- Here is a quote from her on â€˜tough loveâ€™: â€œThere is no lack of proof that the result of tough love is often harm rather than helpâ€. Her work/books can be easily googled.

We are dedicated to helping our child with a substance use disorder/co occurring disorder. Thatâ€™s as it should be. We love our children. That is undeniable fact. But, itâ€™s critical that we, as parents, ensure that we are investing our precious energies in seeking out the kinds of helps/tools/support resources that encourage â€˜ourâ€™ sense of hope and self efficacy, our belief that our son/daughter can absolutely arrive at sustainable recovery, little by little. Because in interacting without that sense, we are contributing to our childâ€™s â€˜stallâ€™ in engaging recovery well over and above any â€˜enablingâ€™ or any â€˜denialâ€™ we might be influenced/inclined to accuse ourselves of. Enabling and denial are subjective conceptsâ€¦But, a relational dynamic, with our addicted son/daughter, that is consistently tuned to suspicion, anger/resentment/fear is not subjective. Itâ€™s most certainly counterproductive.

Recovery is a process -A change process. Very often that change process/recovery process is a much longer process than we might imagine. Thatâ€™s why itâ€™s crucial that we learn to recognize sources/people that, inadvertently, encourage us to â€˜always be in a guarded stateâ€¦practicing/ruminating in fear, worry, angst about what â€˜our addictâ€™ might do â€˜to usâ€™ because, certainly, we are â€˜enablersâ€™ and we are â€˜in denialâ€™.

We need a BALANCE OF PERSPECTIVE. This comes by way of us engaging our efforts in education/supports that are rooted in current and multiple, evidence-based sources. Having a menu of options is important to us as parents. Itâ€™s also important for our addicted loved one. This increases our sense of empowerment and hope. This is how we up our sense of self efficacy and encourage the same in our son/daughter. This is how we navigate, best, in our goal of appropriate, effective responses to our addiction-challenged child, on behalf of our individual circumstances.

Please check out Self Management and Recovery Training, Friends and Family Support (Smart Recovery). This no cost, effective, easily accessible peer support resource is based on the current, and evidence-based spirit of approach of Motivational Interviewing and CRAFT (community reinforcement and family training).

Also read the book: “Get your loved one sober: Alternatives to nagging, pleading, begging”.

Godspeed to all us parents dedicated to the recovery of our deserving children. We are all deserving of health, and better lived moments.

I am really happy to hear that you like Maia Szalavitzâ€™ writing. Please look for my Q&A with Ms. Szalavitz, a 4-part weekly series, coming soon.

I am having a really hard time, my 34 year old son is a pain pill addict… He recently stole something very precious to me, lied and even helped me look for it, he has been living with me, I can’t stand it, I told him may first you are out… How could I throw my son to the street? He recently went to jail, I thought there is my out I don’t have to toss him out i just don’t have to let him back in…easier said than done, got a call today he’s gettimg out of jail tomorrow,not sure what to do, he has no money no place to stay…how do Ileave him on the street with a blanket and a bag of clothes?

You wrote about the jails sometimes not even having a toothbrush available and it reminded me of how odd and crazy this whole situation is. My daughter is injecting heroin. At the same time I am still worrying about what will happen to her teeth, when in fact because of what she is doing she could die at any moment. Forever a parent is what I am.

Having a child who has become an addict is a crazy, horrible situation that I would not wish on anyone.

Susan: Based on what you share, your daughter has chosen to/has been responsible in making a decision to enter into treatment.

Most parents would consider that a reason to be ‘more’ hopeful, not less. Yet, your demonstrated, shared response to the commitment your daughter has made is (again, based on what you share) is quote,”I donâ€™t think sheâ€™ll make it”". You also write, “Sheâ€™s an addict & lies”. “Again, lies”. “I donâ€™t even have hope at this point.”

Susan, while I understand how difficult your circumstances are, and most parents in this community can empathize with the challenges you share;its pretty clear that your resentments/anger/blame, and what equates to some level of an unintended ‘rejection’ of your daughter is contributing to some degree (probably more than you might imagine)in the dysfunction you describe.

Your feelings are understandible. It’s hard. It’s hard for her too. Her feeling rejected/not supported by you is a valid feeling, whether you agree with her reasons for feeling that way or not. There are ways you can encourage better relational dynamic with her.

YOur a good mom, you love her…helping her to discover her reasons to make healthy change should be your goal. When we have that as our goal, it helps us move the anxiety/resentment/fear that stall momentum in recovery, out of way. This takes practice. It takes conscious awareness and consistency, as to our chosen energy/spirit we are ‘putting out there’, modeling to our loved one with a substances use disorder. It takes time…patience…and belief in self (self efficacy) that we (all of us in the family)can achieve better lived moments, little by little. As parents of children with a substance use disorder, this is a calling…

When we bind ourself to rigid, inflexible rules, we lose our ability to authentically support and encourage a loved one to and through recovery. When we are tuned to suspicion at every turn, about our child with a substance use disorder, in the name of “On no. Not me. I WILL NOT be fooled or manipulated by her”; we are contributing to their stall/their lack of recovery. When we verbalize/write or develop a thought pattern such as “I don’t have any hope in their ability to change”, or ‘My addict’ (stigma language) lies”, or, “They love drugs more than me”, or “My ‘addict’ (again stigma language) will NEVER stop using drugs, and I don’t have any hope anymore”…(The list goes on and on);We are increasing the odds that our son/daughter will not gain recovery, will not be successful in making healthy change.

Do we desire to be right/righteous (subjective) more than we want to genuinely encourage our child to toward their own reasons for change?

Healthy boundaries are those that are appropriate for our ‘individual’ circumstances, based on our individual son/daughters needs/strengths (she has both) and the health of the family system.

If your goal is to help/encourage your daughter toward engaging her own reasons for making healthy change/engaging recovery…(And that should be the goal. In addition, ‘her’ reasons are the only one’s that will get her to sustainable recovery, little by little); then, it becomes rather difficult to ignore the importance of recognizing how unresolved/unmanaged anger/blame etc. is contributing, not only to the dysfunction and contention in your relationship, but also to your daughter lack of momentum in recovery.

The blame game serves no one, least of all your daughter. She loves you. She doesnt hate you. As a good mom, you know that to be the truth. She’s having a difficult time with processing/managing her own feelings about her EXTREMELY difficult circumstances. You describe a ‘party girl’. I get that. Your angry. But, it’s more likely that that image you project of her is, at least, some ‘off’, as it does reflect the likely reality that she is scared, stressed and confused about how to problem solve her way through -even if she doesnt communicate those feelings about her challenge with you. And, the reality is, that she won’t likely choose to share in an open spirit with you under the circumstances/environment you frame above.And, that’s understandible. It’s too risky for her to make herself vulnerable to someone significant, as her mom, who demonstrates, verbalizes a lack of hope and faith in her ability to make healthy change, little by little.

She’s entered into, or is going to be entering into treatment -you should support her in that. And that means ‘you’ are responsible for the spirit in which you will interact with her.

Recovery is not only possible, it’s likely. Most people recover from their substance use disorder, in some amount of time. The average number of relapses is 7 or 8 before an individual with a substance use disorder gains sustainable recovery.

More people recover from their substance disorder than do not. When we interact in a way that communicates a lack of hope and faith to a son/daughter, (mostly ’cause you refuse to be manipulated by a ‘lying addict’, and you absolutely will not spend time around them if they are ‘high’ (good luck with being a 100% accurate on determining when that is and isnt 100% of the time -again, the poing being that existing in a frequency of suspicion, all the time, will act as a barrier to recovery; we are serving the opposite of recovery.

Demonstrating ‘genuine’ empathy to someone who has a substance use disorder is a must. Note that empathy is not enabling, it is not ‘weakness’. It’s empathy. It’s a requirement in any healthy relationship.

We are all good, loving parents. We need to remind ourselves of that. But, we can be good loving parents who also benefit in increasing our ability to encourage/support our son/daughter, ever more effectively, by recognizing the ways our chosen narrative/our spirit about our son/daughters challenge impacts ‘their’ sense of belief in themselves. We owe them every ounce of belief we can cultivate. “Belief in their ability” is not to equated with ‘denial’, either. No. A demonstrated belief in their ability to recover is just ‘belief’ -which serves hope which serves ‘productive’ recovery purposed thoughts and actions. And, it’s important. It’s critical.

I am convinced that detaching is the appropriate response BUT my heart wont stop nurturing!

Disciplining my child by saying no was uncomfortable but totally doable– this is sometimes dehibilitating.

Thank you to all taking the time to write of experiences and to those offering advise. My sweet, 22 year old son died on fathers day in our home in 2010 due to an overdose. He mixed prescription drugs with alcohol and cocaine. He was recovering but relapsed by taking amounts he was used to taking. He was our youngest of five.
Our oldest son is in prison for alcohol related offenses, and now my middle son who just graduated from college was arrested for a cocaine charge. I am barely holding on to thin strains of sanity. How is it that my children have substance abuse problems in a home where there was no smoking nor drinking allowed?
I am amazed how easy it is for people to get Prescription drugs such as suboxin, Xanax , sleep depressants and anti-depressants practically in bulk not only for their use but to trade and/or sell it. I think there should be dispensaries to administer these type of drugs for people who need it and not be so readily available to those who abuse it.

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