Negotiating Recovery | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Negotiating Recovery

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011

=Negotiating Drug Recovery We’ve all done it. Seldom, if ever does it work. We make deals; we are willing to sell our soul, our dignity and our future to an addict in an effort to stop the madness.

My efforts to negotiate recovery involved buying things, providing gifts, paying for medical treatment, rehab and rents. All this effort is a fruitless attempt to bargain away the addiction from my son. This all happens while we enable our addicts and deny the reality.

Then we begin to get smarter about enabling and stop wasting our treasures. But all that does is lead us to a new phase of negotiating. We begin negotiating with our self. We whisper inside that if I see this and this and that then I can do this and this and that.

How do you negotiate with an addict that has no sense of justice or fair play? How can you negotiate with an addict that suffers from a disease that results in behaviors a sane person would deem insane? An addict will not and cannot negotiate away their addiction. As long as you indulge in negotiating with addiction you have everything to lose and there is nothing to gain.

So what’s the answer? You must live in the world of a reality that involves seeing the picture as it is — not how you want it to be. Stepping back and taking in the holistic nature of this disease and how it not only affects the addict but all those that they touch is the first step. From that place I was able to see that negotiating was hopeless. Then it came down to figuring out where I actually stood in relationship to the disease and my relationship with my addict.

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Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Recovery

Nice article, Ron. I always look forward to reading your thoughts. Thanks! Susan

I personally believe that you have done an outstanding work by posting such a wonderful article. It has been seen that this article suggests the perception of ‘negotiation’ from relational psychoanalysis for rehabilitation treatment of consumers who suffer from severe mental illness and its supervision. The information you have provided in would surely help most of the people who will read this.

The journey of parenting a son or daughter challenged by a substance use disorder is an individual one. Though we all share similar road, no two journeys/circumstances/family systems are alike…because no two people cope with challenge, or their own feelings/emotions in the same way.

It’s comforting to know we are not alone in this journey and that there is so much opportunity to learn from one another. Combined with the informed, responsible, consistent, genuine encouragement of others; there is no one more capable of advocating for the family than that family itself.

A big leap forward for my son/my family came when my husband and I were able to better recognize and understand the ways in which our individual anger and resentments prevented momentum in the recovery process -for our son, for us as parents/individuals.

Engaging peer-based support, addiction education, etc., has been so helpful to the process. But it wasn’t until we each got to that point in the journey where we were individually ready to acknowledge/address the anger and resentment associated,(and which holds the most pivotal momentum in recovery captive), that we broke through to sustainable peace -healthier individuals/better functioning family collective. It takes as long as it takes…that growth process. Everybody’s different…

Looking back over the many years since our son’s drug use began, I realize now that pretty much everything we dedicated ourselves to implementing in attempt to help our son/our family -boundaries, trying to parse the ‘reality’ of the circumstances from what we understood/believed about it, attempts at ‘detaching with love’, measures of ‘tough love’ and ‘taking care of ourselves’ etc.,-ultimately fell short. That’s not to say that all those efforts were useless. They certainly were not. Still, those earnest efforts often missed their mark because there was unacknowledged anger and resentment hiding in the heart of those efforts.

Though no two journeys are alike, I have personally not seen the case where anger and resentment didnâ€™t, in some way, prevent the parent(s)/the substance using son/daughter-the family- from experiencing the very best there is to access in terms momentum in recovery and better lived moments.

Patience and perseverance is key. Hope out of hopelessness/bitterness requires a huge amount of ‘self-work’ -especially on the part of us parents. Gotta get real with our anger and resentments in order to best effectively initiate the change process and avoid stall. Gotta build ‘coping muscles’ for the long road and believe in our ability to become the best possible advocate for our son or daughter challenged by a substance use disorder.

Parents: Trust that you have ability to increase your momentum in recovery. Don’t allow resentments to stall the process. Beware of fixating on perceived failures. At some point, that stuff becomes an exercise in self-involvement rather than a source of insight for personal growth or a source of support/encouragement to others. It benefits no one…least of all your kid.

Your addiction-challenged son/daughter is more than capable of healthy change…The family -more than capable of restoration and balance. Don’t ever doubt itâ€¦ and keep on keepin’ on.

this really gave me something to think about….after years of dealing with my addicted daughter…and other addicted family in the past…I have been struggling with so much anger and resentment… I really have to find the place to be calm and at peace within my own life. Addiction complicates things in an irrational manner… I am searching for how to remain sane and rational and fulfilled in my life through this re-occurring nightmare.

Great post! This really resonated with me because about a year ago I had to help treat my daughter for drug abuse. It was very difficult to get across to her the dire need for her to get help because she felt like she was still in control and didn’t have a problem. I found a lot of helpful information at http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-tc. Hope this is useful for other parents out there.

Ron,
Thank you for this message.So many people try to make deals with an addicted loved one only to be let down countless times. They spend money, time, emotions, etc. trying to deal with the devil and they lose every time!

When I talk to family members I tell them this is a non-negotiating disease. There is no deal sweet enough to cure addiction. I wish more people could realize this.

It’s helpful to us as parents and helpful for our addicted son/daughter when we view a substance use disorder (an addiction to drugs or alcohol) for what it is: ‘maladaptive coping’.

So many of these maladaptive patterns/predispositions -to cope with our emotions/stress (life) with substances- are seeded in our family of origin as a result of the established family relational dynamic, as well as influenced by genetic/biochemical markers that live in our familial DNA. These seedlings are a contributor as to why we tend to see addiction to drugs/alcohol perpetuated through generations in our families.

When we strive to approach the challenge of addiction (substance use disorder) using a perspective and frame that is built by a balanced, broad scope relating to the “‘why’ and ‘how’ is this happening to my kid”?, we are in a much better position to advocate on their behalf (the goal right?) in a way that serves to help them on a path to recognizing and building on their own individual strengths and beliefs toward change (sustainable recovery). The cool thing is that in this process… we help ourselves, as parents/individuals, do some powerful changing, too. And in this way, we end up helping the whole family as a result. It takes time. Every family is different.

Viewing the substance use disorder (addiction) of our son/daughter as some kind of character-related, spiritual/moral flaw or as otherwise dealing with ‘evil’/devil is most likely not going to serve the change process. It isn’t going to serve increasing health and well being -not our kids and not ours, either.

Addiction is a maladaptive pattern of coping in need of change. And that kind of change is achieved, every day, by scores of people -people who are responsibly supported/encouraged by their parents and other loved ones dedicated to/invested in learning about the biopsychosocial aspects of addiction, and then applying what they learn to their addicted loved one and the individual circumstances. It absolutely can be done.

The aim for us as parents is to support ‘them’ in a way that builds on their innate strengths for coping, their self efficacy. For the record: This approach is not to be confused with ‘enabling’. It’s the opposite of enabling. I’m amazed at the way some folks react when they hear the terms ‘encouragement’/'support’ etc., being applied to recovery. Some folks just seem to almost not be able to stop themselves from assuming/judging that these ‘positive’ terms used by parents are somehow an indicator of…dare we say it…’the enabler parent’.

Remember ‘encouragement’/'support’ are critical to the change process, and does not equal enabling when it is applied responsibly. But, in order to apply these things responsibly so that they impact healthy sustainable change for our specific circumstances, we need to strive to learn about our particular family dynamic, our own interactive style, and our addicted loved oneâ€™s style of coping: What do we see as our individual and family strengths? And, what things can we focus on doing differently that will help build our loved ones innate coping strengths and belief in themselves -their belief that change is not only possible? It’s likely. That’s empowerment.

Change takes time. Individual/Family therapy can help tremendously, as long as the therapist is a good match for the individual/family. But, when therapy is not a resource available to us, then there are scores of publications that can help us learn about addiction and the family dynamic. The Partnership website is one such place to build on learning …and hope.

Hope is a clinical component in recovery. Chances are if we are low on hope/patience for our kid…they will be too. And if ever they needed hope and patience for themselves, it’s in the addiction journey.

We gain that ability to responsibly support, encourage, and advocate for them better and better as we journey by learning about the biological, psychological, sociological components of addiction. The more learning we do about addiction, and then applying that to our individual circumstances, the result will tend to take care of any â€˜trueâ€™ enabling behavior by us as parents; and the less we will find ourselves hyper focused on the subject of enabling.

In this way we become increasingly equipped to identify both our sonâ€™s/daughterâ€™s innate coping strengths (increasing self efficacy), as well as our own, too. In order to increase the odds of recovery, we’re gonna need to become proficient at recognizing on a case by case, day-to-day basis, those things that will serve our sonâ€™s/daughterâ€™s momentum toward recovery/in recovery… as well as what will serve our own healthy change process, sense of well being, and hope. Thatâ€™ll get us there!

Thank you so much for posting this. I have seen this from the other side. My parents when I was an addict would do almost anything, and I knew that. It hurt me and them in the long run. If I knew I was going to get tough love, things might have turned out different. Thank you so much for posting this and bringing light to this issue. God bless you.

It’s important to understand what commonly used terms regarding addiction mean in relation to our individual circumstances. As with the term ‘enabling’, the specific details associated with term ‘tough love’ can mean one thing for one family, and something else for others.

Basically…An implementation/attitude of ‘tough love’ can be helpful in one family circumstance, while the same application/decision-making in another family’s circumstance can result in increased risk of harm.

It’s important to strive to have a deep understanding about our individual family dynamic, our own coping/interactive style, and to also have a growing sense about our addicted family member’s level of mental/emotional stability when making decisions that are commonly slated under the heading ‘tough love’.

I, personally, do not use the term “tough love” because I have witnessed too many examples whereby its intent was misapplied/misunderstood.

We are going to be served in our decisions regarding advocacy as we understand and engage the strengths and innate problem-solving ability in our addicted loved one, as well as ourselves.

Whatever we choose to call that…it ends up equating to momentum in recovery and better-lived moments for ‘every’ family member.

Our son is half way through a three month journey through residential treatment. These posts are very helpful for me in trying to carry on when he comes home. I am trying not to carry the hurt and anger into the next phase. I need to know how to believe him again as everything that he say’s to me now feels like manipulation. My guard is always up!

All these things you are thinking about/contemplating/pondering is what is helping to support your sense of hope about his ability to make healthy change in his life. Yours is a balanced perspective…responsibly flexible, not rigid -which is the best kind of spirit of approach to have for encouraging recovery.

It’s a valid feeling…that sense of “I need to keep my guard up”. And I think it’s really important to raise our conscious awareness when our kids have been down the road they have in terms of their past choices related to coping with their feelings/stress/life with substances.

You’re doing a really nice job of balancing that needed mindfulness/guard about his substance using history, with your understanding, on a deep level, that his recovery/his self esteem/his sense of self efficacy/his problem solving ability will benefit greatly by his witnessing the folks that care about him -those in his sphere of influence- consistently demonstrating a genuine belief/confidence in his ability to make healthy change in his life, little by little.

It’s a process that takes time. And it’s a different amount of time for each individual and each individual family. And the level of treatment/the methodology/combination of methodologies of treatment needed to engage an individual into a healthy change process toward sustainable recovery is also a very individual one.

So the more we understand about the ‘variety’ of evidence-based options for treatment, the better advocate we become on behalf of our child, ourselves and our family collective…and the better we can match the innate strengths of our son/daughter challenged by substance use disorder, as well as match the family to the treatment philosophy/methodology that will supercharge the best in us in cultivating recovery.

Recovery. It happens…all the time. It just tends to not happen as fast as we would want it to/pray for it to.

The most momentum my son has gained in long term recovery occurred when I realized that ‘my’ anxiety/worry/fear/frustration regarding his drug-using choices had permeated every conversation, every interaction we had. I had become ‘hyper-vigilant’, but I didn’t know it. I just wanted to save my son from himself. I witness this same kind of resulting anxiety in the form of constrained/contentious relational dynamic, quite a bit, in other parents regarding their sons/daughters addiction to alcohol and/or drugs. A lot of times we are unaware that we are carrying out our relationship interactions -i.e. body language/tone of voice/facial expressions- in this counter-production way.

Reflecting on my own journey: In my heart and mind, i was just doing everything I knew to do, everything in my being to help my kid. But…hindsight has proven crystal clear. In many ways I was stressing ‘him’ out -causing him to feel responsible for ‘my’ feelings about his drug using choices and the consequences of those choices. That did not help him.

I want to be clear here: He was responsible for his choices to use and the consequences that resulted. However, he was not/is not responsible for ‘my’ reactions, or the way I cope with his choices -that’s on me.

Once I really understood this and monitored my own anxiety about ‘his’ journey, it was no coincidence that he began experiencing more and more momentum in his recovery…in his sense of belief about his ability to forge his own path to it.

A kind of intensity, or ‘passion’, we might call it, is necessary to do the best possible kind of advocating for our loved ones, in particular our children, when they are challenged by a health crisis. But, if the intensity/passion we hold is received by our loved one with a substance use disorder as anxiety/tension/frustration/anger/resentment, rather than a reflection of spirit that conveys through the challenges something like “this is really hard, it really sucks, it’s really scary… BUT I believe in you and I believe in our ability as a family to problem solve-no matter the circumstances”; well, then, it tends to impair our kids’ engagement of recovery purposed thoughts and actions.

‘Our’ anxiety-based reactions/interactions to them, their choices, their challenges becomes just another in a huge mountain of perceived stressors that overwhelms them even more that they already are.

I didn’t realize the barrier my ‘intensity’ posed for my son. But, I eventually figured it out. I did a lot of changing regarding my own perspectives about addiction and recovery over, about, a two to three year period. I had to ‘unlearn’ and re-learn/re-tool and expand upon a lot of things I had been taught earlier on in the journey about addiction and recovery.

Loise…Know beyond any doubt that he is capable of continuing to strengthen his coping muscles as he journeys in recovery. We know he has the ability to create a life of healthier and healthier choices and moments. We just don’t know how long that journey will be. We have to be ‘ok’ with that…at peace about it. It takes time to develop that sense about the journey.

Continued health and recovery to your son. And as you make your way, Mom….May you continue to the experience the peace that comes with the kind of insights about the journey that you seem to be clearly open to. And thank you for sharing your journey. It helps inspire us all. You guys are so fortunate to have each other:0)

I am stuck. My 20 year old son had an addiction to opiates, burglarized a house and served almost a year in a state-run boot camp, just like being in the military. He seemed to do well in that disciplined environment. He came home a new young man, but within a couple of months, started smoking the synthetic marijuana with friends (because it was new, the state drug tests were not catching it for awhile). He finally did have a dirty urine and they violated him for it, sent him to the local VOP center for 3 months. Again, determined to stay clean and straight. Very little of this time was spent on any true rehab, mostly just lockup. He’s been home almost 4 months now, has a job he loves but he’s using again. The synthetic stuff as well as one admitted usage of heroin. Most of his lifelong friends have ended up on H too. I figure if he’s admitted to one use, there have been more.

As his mother, I’m sick with worry but I’m trying very hard not to let his addiction run me. My husband and I went on our annual vacation to visit family and just got back home last night – he couldn’t leave the state so he had to stay home by himself. He sold my exercise equipment for scrap while we were gone, he stole my husband’s two guns that he inherited from his father and sold them. We did get them back today. There’s other stuff that was scrapped, as well as all the change gone from the change jar. I’m glad I took my entire jewelry box with me or I’d probably be scavenging every pawn shop in the area tomorrow.

I’m not at the point where I’m ready to throw him out on the street. We were able to talk today and he told me he was molested by one of my older son’s friends years ago and has carried that around with him. He’s being treated for an STD and his PO found out and is laughing at him. He was ready to run away from home, he hates himself, hates what he’s done, so damned depressed he can barely talk without crying.

My husband – who has battled his own addictions throughout our 27 year marriage (drugs/alcohol and then gambling) is totally impatient with him. Punches him. Slams him up against the wall. Shoves him down, then kicks him. My son will not raise a hand in his defense and says he deserves it. He’s scared to death of his father now. I often get in between them, physically. Father wants him confined to his room when he’s not at work. I think isolating him from us is the worst thing we could do. I can agree with not paying his cell phone, not allowing him access to our vehicles, not giving him any money. Husband doesn’t think he was molested, thinks he’s just having a pity party and trying to deflect attention from stealing. After talking to him tonight, I truly think he was molested. Husband calls him a ‘piece of shit’ and worse. I hate it. I hate all of this. Quite frankly, I’m tired of both of them. But I won’t give up yet. This kid is so down now, on himself, on his life, I’m not ready to give up on him yet. I think we all need family counseling because I do not want to micro manage son. If he doesn’t come in by his PO-set curfew, it’s on HIM. I will not call him, remind him of the curfew, not ‘allow’ him out. He gets caught, it’s on him. I do not pay his fines, I will not lie for him if he’s caught. But husband tries to micromanage all this and it’s driving me crazy. I refuse to babysit a 20 year old, I’m trying to set boundaries for what I will and won’t do. I feel like I’m going insane with the two of them.

Sorry this is so long. It’s been a horrible return from vacation and I just needed to get this all out.

Boy, I relate! I’m five years behind you and already desperate to stop the train, I get so confused.
Enabling vs. loving, detaching but not ignoring, this stuff is hard.

There are no right or wrong answers, only our attempts to survive against terrible odds. All parents make enabling mistakes and we often feel that we are to blame for our childrenâ€™s drug problems, but as you know first-hand, our actions sometimes serve only to help to â€œcrippleâ€ our addicted children further.

But, the advice we may get from friends and family, and even professionals must weighed out in the context of, and workable within our own families, not the families of other addicts.

The difficult decisions we face as parents of addicted children can only be made by us, since it is only us, who can truly relate to the feelings of being a bystander, watching as our addicted child spirals downward.

In facing the myriad thoughts, feelings and questions that arise when attempting to effectively help with our childrenâ€™s addiction (and take care of ourselves), we must ask ourselves about our worst fears, and reconcile our ambivalence about them. I say this, because we will often deny, that things have gotten pretty bad already despite our best efforts. And, even though you aren’t ready to put your son out, you might very well have reached a point where you know that things will continue to get worse without your intervention.

I highly recommend that you call me at the Parent Helpline (number listed below) so that I can assist you in making the best use of what The Partnership at Drugfree.org has to offer you.

Additionally, I was wondering if you knew that each Monday night at 9PM Eastern/ 6PM Pacific, SMART RecoveryÂ® Volunteer Facilitators provide an online meeting to address specific issues encountered by friends or family members who have a loved one affected by addiction.

The meetings share SMART RecoveryÂ® tools that can be implemented by family members to help with emotional upsets, effective communication methods when dealing with loved ones, and more. Techniques employed within the CRAFT program are also shared for the benefit of meeting attendees.

To participate in the Family & Friends meetings, registration is required at the SMART RecoveryÂ® Online website: http://www.smartrecoveryforum.org. Meetings are reached via a pulldown menu at the top left corner of the forum pages.

I can relate to Holly’s situation. My 31 year old son began using Heroin approx. 8 months ago upon starting to date a stripper. Wonderful!! He lied about her profession, lied about her heroin use and eventually lied about his starting to use heroin for the first time with her. We left on vacation with the understanding if he stayed there no one else was to be in the house. He let her stay there that night. We received his phone call at 7pm three days after we left. She had robbed our house while he was a work. Had to drive back hom from Daytona Beach without stopping. We didn’t know he was using. I denied to myself and everyone who tried to talk to me. We kicked him out of the house and I thought I was going to die. I just wanted to fix it like I try and fix everything else. After 3 months away from home and trying to quit several times on his own he finally admitted to me he was shooting it up in his arm and wanted to quit and wanted help. He has been going to a meth clinic every morning and still goes to work but I still don’t trust him. It has almost destroyed the relation between his step father and him and his step father and me. My husband is pissed off and I just want my son back. I have enabled him by giving him money, letting him slide on cell phone bill and taken care of his kids when he needs to. I am finally seeking help from a counselor with drug addiction experience. She used to work at a meth cliinic and treats drug addicts. I figure if she can’t help me stop “helping” my son no one can. May god bless and keep us all!!

I came across this website by luck. Just reading the posts have helped me. My daughter, 21 yrs old, has been a heroiin addict for 2 yrs. …….

I want to call that number but every time I think about even talking about this I start crying. No one wants to hear someone just cry on the phone. Things have gone steadily downhill since I posted that and I’d almost forgotten that I did, until today. His probation officer has actually been pretty helpful in trying to get him into some kind of rehab or detox but of the 2 options offered by the state, a counselor at one told me not to let him go there because it’s for young men 18-26 and all they do is tell each other how to get away with using. The other one I have no knowledge of. Either way, he’s going back to boot camp, which he actually asked for.

He’s using. He’s been lax on his curfew. I caught him with a box of my mother’s Christmas china in his room about 2am Sat. He said he’d thought about trying to sell it but realized he probably couldn’t (the only real value is sentimental, I’m sure). Later I went through his room and found all the serving pieces of my great grandmother’s sterling silver flatware. That has pawn or scrap value.

He left about 7pm Sat evening and never came home til 11am today. He was here for about 10 minutes, hugged me and said he was so, so sorry. He’d been smoking something, I could tell. He loaded up our two push mowers in his friend’s truck to go cut their grass down the road. When I called the friend to talk to him at 1:30 to tell him he needed to come home so I could take him to probation, he said he already had a ride. Still sounded messed up. I went down to get him anyway and he’s gone. Loaded the mowers in my truck by myself because god knows, they won’t be there tomorrow. He hasn’t kept his last 2 weeks appointments at probation, I just found out, and I doubt he’s there today.

So I called his PO and told him. Told him he never called the detox place last week like he said he did (we looked at cell records), never came home all weekend, was on something, and probably won’t be in today.

I will call when I’m able to talk. Aside from getting him help, *I* need help.

Here’s a checklist designed to help you to take care of yourself as you grapple with what to do.

Recognizing that your child needs help with a substance abuse problem can be an emotional rollercoaster. It’s overwhelming and you may feel that the process of finding and getting your child into treatment has taken over your life.

Although you are probably not thinking about yourself right now, one of the smartest things you can do for your child in trouble and your family is to take care of yourself so that you remain strong, healthy and clear headed.

Here are some suggestions for ways to take care of yourself during this difficult time. After considering each step, you may find it rewarding to check off the box as you accomplish it.

Acknowledge what you are going through as a parent
You may be angry, scared, disappointed, ashamed and unsure what to do. All of these feelings are normal. Take a deep breath and recognize that this is a difficult time for you and your family â€” it is okay to be feeling a wide-range of emotions.

Seek professional counseling for yourself
While your child is battling an alcohol or other drug problem, youâ€™re also struggling with serious issues. â€œThe pain, blame, shame, helplessness, and worry that parents feel are huge,â€ Dr. Gayle Dakof, Ph.D. explains. â€œYou need to feel that you are not alone, and I believe parents and caregivers need professional help to help them address feelings of blame and shame.â€

Find a Support Group
Not all support groups are well-run or a good fit for you personally. You may have to shop around until you find a therapist or support group that is the best fit for you and your family.

Reach Out To Others â€” In Your Local Community
Think about family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and others in your community who have experiences raising a child with an alcohol or other drug problem.

Make a list of people to reach out to who you think could lend an ear and offer support.

Make an effort to meet up with each person one-on-one so you can share your fears, anger, and concerns with someone who understands and who has been there.

Reach Out To Others â€” Online
Connect with other parents who understand what youâ€™re going through. Visit the online communities available at The Partnership at Drugfree.org to gain wisdom, find comfort and feel less alone.

Do Things That Makes You Feel Better
Whether itâ€™s taking long walks, exercising, or having coffee with a friend, take time out for yourself to do the things you enjoy. Scheduling even a little bit of daily or weekly â€œme-timeâ€ can be healthy and ultimately help you be more focused on helping your child.

Finally, it is perfectly normal to feel as if you don’t want to burden anyone with how you are feeling, but we at the Helpline are here to listen to your concerns, challenges, setbacks and provide you with a respite from the ongoing emotional turmoil — even if you feel that all you can do is cry about it. You won’t be the first caller to do so.

Until then, I wish you and the others on this blog who share your concerns, all the best.

Dear Holly,
I just saw your posts today. My 21 year old daughter is an opiate/heroin addict and I have dealt with many of the issues and feelings that you are going through. The one thing that has helped me tremendously is going to NAR-Anon meetings. Where I live, the group meets 3 times a week in different locations, and I always attend at least one a week. At first it was wierd and it felt kinda of surreal…. adn i wasn’t sure if I was going to come back. But I did go back again and again. I hope that you find a group like this in your location. I just googled Nar-Anon and searched their website for locations in my area.
ALL the people who attend have experiences every thing you are experiencing and can understand like no other.
Prayers to all of us who are experiencing this pain.

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