Negotiating Recovery | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Negotiating Recovery

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011

=Negotiating Drug Recovery We’ve all done it. Seldom, if ever does it work. We make deals; we are willing to sell our soul, our dignity and our future to an addict in an effort to stop the madness.

My efforts to negotiate recovery involved buying things, providing gifts, paying for medical treatment, rehab and rents. All this effort is a fruitless attempt to bargain away the addiction from my son. This all happens while we enable our addicts and deny the reality.

Then we begin to get smarter about enabling and stop wasting our treasures. But all that does is lead us to a new phase of negotiating. We begin negotiating with our self. We whisper inside that if I see this and this and that then I can do this and this and that.

How do you negotiate with an addict that has no sense of justice or fair play? How can you negotiate with an addict that suffers from a disease that results in behaviors a sane person would deem insane? An addict will not and cannot negotiate away their addiction. As long as you indulge in negotiating with addiction you have everything to lose and there is nothing to gain.

So what’s the answer? You must live in the world of a reality that involves seeing the picture as it is — not how you want it to be. Stepping back and taking in the holistic nature of this disease and how it not only affects the addict but all those that they touch is the first step. From that place I was able to see that negotiating was hopeless. Then it came down to figuring out where I actually stood in relationship to the disease and my relationship with my addict.

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Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Recovery

Nice article, Ron. I always look forward to reading your thoughts. Thanks! Susan

I personally believe that you have done an outstanding work by posting such a wonderful article. It has been seen that this article suggests the perception of ‘negotiation’ from relational psychoanalysis for rehabilitation treatment of consumers who suffer from severe mental illness and its supervision. The information you have provided in would surely help most of the people who will read this.

The journey of parenting a son or daughter challenged by a substance use disorder is an individual one. Though we all share similar road, no two journeys/circumstances/family systems are alike…because no two people cope with challenge, or their own feelings/emotions in the same way.

It’s comforting to know we are not alone in this journey and that there is so much opportunity to learn from one another. Combined with the informed, responsible, consistent, genuine encouragement of others; there is no one more capable of advocating for the family than that family itself.

A big leap forward for my son/my family came when my husband and I were able to better recognize and understand the ways in which our individual anger and resentments prevented momentum in the recovery process -for our son, for us as parents/individuals.

Engaging peer-based support, addiction education, etc., has been so helpful to the process. But it wasn’t until we each got to that point in the journey where we were individually ready to acknowledge/address the anger and resentment associated,(and which holds the most pivotal momentum in recovery captive), that we broke through to sustainable peace -healthier individuals/better functioning family collective. It takes as long as it takes…that growth process. Everybody’s different…

Looking back over the many years since our son’s drug use began, I realize now that pretty much everything we dedicated ourselves to implementing in attempt to help our son/our family -boundaries, trying to parse the ‘reality’ of the circumstances from what we understood/believed about it, attempts at ‘detaching with love’, measures of ‘tough love’ and ‘taking care of ourselves’ etc.,-ultimately fell short. That’s not to say that all those efforts were useless. They certainly were not. Still, those earnest efforts often missed their mark because there was unacknowledged anger and resentment hiding in the heart of those efforts.

Though no two journeys are alike, I have personally not seen the case where anger and resentment didn’t, in some way, prevent the parent(s)/the substance using son/daughter-the family- from experiencing the very best there is to access in terms momentum in recovery and better lived moments.

Patience and perseverance is key. Hope out of hopelessness/bitterness requires a huge amount of ’self-work’ -especially on the part of us parents. Gotta get real with our anger and resentments in order to best effectively initiate the change process and avoid stall. Gotta build ‘coping muscles’ for the long road and believe in our ability to become the best possible advocate for our son or daughter challenged by a substance use disorder.

Parents: Trust that you have ability to increase your momentum in recovery. Don’t allow resentments to stall the process. Beware of fixating on perceived failures. At some point, that stuff becomes an exercise in self-involvement rather than a source of insight for personal growth or a source of support/encouragement to others. It benefits no one…least of all your kid.

Your addiction-challenged son/daughter is more than capable of healthy change…The family -more than capable of restoration and balance. Don’t ever doubt it… and keep on keepin’ on.

this really gave me something to think about….after years of dealing with my addicted daughter…and other addicted family in the past…I have been struggling with so much anger and resentment… I really have to find the place to be calm and at peace within my own life. Addiction complicates things in an irrational manner… I am searching for how to remain sane and rational and fulfilled in my life through this re-occurring nightmare.

Great post! This really resonated with me because about a year ago I had to help treat my daughter for drug abuse. It was very difficult to get across to her the dire need for her to get help because she felt like she was still in control and didn’t have a problem. I found a lot of helpful information at http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-tc. Hope this is useful for other parents out there.

Ron,
Thank you for this message.So many people try to make deals with an addicted loved one only to be let down countless times. They spend money, time, emotions, etc. trying to deal with the devil and they lose every time!

When I talk to family members I tell them this is a non-negotiating disease. There is no deal sweet enough to cure addiction. I wish more people could realize this.

It’s helpful to us as parents and helpful for our addicted son/daughter when we view a substance use disorder (an addiction to drugs or alcohol) for what it is: ‘maladaptive coping’.

So many of these maladaptive patterns/predispositions -to cope with our emotions/stress (life) with substances- are seeded in our family of origin as a result of the established family relational dynamic, as well as influenced by genetic/biochemical markers that live in our familial DNA. These seedlings are a contributor as to why we tend to see addiction to drugs/alcohol perpetuated through generations in our families.

When we strive to approach the challenge of addiction (substance use disorder) using a perspective and frame that is built by a balanced, broad scope relating to the “‘why’ and ‘how’ is this happening to my kid”?, we are in a much better position to advocate on their behalf (the goal right?) in a way that serves to help them on a path to recognizing and building on their own individual strengths and beliefs toward change (sustainable recovery). The cool thing is that in this process… we help ourselves, as parents/individuals, do some powerful changing, too. And in this way, we end up helping the whole family as a result. It takes time. Every family is different.

Viewing the substance use disorder (addiction) of our son/daughter as some kind of character-related, spiritual/moral flaw or as otherwise dealing with ‘evil’/devil is most likely not going to serve the change process. It isn’t going to serve increasing health and well being -not our kids and not ours, either.

Addiction is a maladaptive pattern of coping in need of change. And that kind of change is achieved, every day, by scores of people -people who are responsibly supported/encouraged by their parents and other loved ones dedicated to/invested in learning about the biopsychosocial aspects of addiction, and then applying what they learn to their addicted loved one and the individual circumstances. It absolutely can be done.

The aim for us as parents is to support ‘them’ in a way that builds on their innate strengths for coping, their self efficacy. For the record: This approach is not to be confused with ‘enabling’. It’s the opposite of enabling. I’m amazed at the way some folks react when they hear the terms ‘encouragement’/’support’ etc., being applied to recovery. Some folks just seem to almost not be able to stop themselves from assuming/judging that these ‘positive’ terms used by parents are somehow an indicator of…dare we say it…’the enabler parent’.

Remember ‘encouragement’/’support’ are critical to the change process, and does not equal enabling when it is applied responsibly. But, in order to apply these things responsibly so that they impact healthy sustainable change for our specific circumstances, we need to strive to learn about our particular family dynamic, our own interactive style, and our addicted loved one’s style of coping: What do we see as our individual and family strengths? And, what things can we focus on doing differently that will help build our loved ones innate coping strengths and belief in themselves -their belief that change is not only possible? It’s likely. That’s empowerment.

Change takes time. Individual/Family therapy can help tremendously, as long as the therapist is a good match for the individual/family. But, when therapy is not a resource available to us, then there are scores of publications that can help us learn about addiction and the family dynamic. The Partnership website is one such place to build on learning …and hope.

Hope is a clinical component in recovery. Chances are if we are low on hope/patience for our kid…they will be too. And if ever they needed hope and patience for themselves, it’s in the addiction journey.

We gain that ability to responsibly support, encourage, and advocate for them better and better as we journey by learning about the biological, psychological, sociological components of addiction. The more learning we do about addiction, and then applying that to our individual circumstances, the result will tend to take care of any ‘true’ enabling behavior by us as parents; and the less we will find ourselves hyper focused on the subject of enabling.

In this way we become increasingly equipped to identify both our son’s/daughter’s innate coping strengths (increasing self efficacy), as well as our own, too. In order to increase the odds of recovery, we’re gonna need to become proficient at recognizing on a case by case, day-to-day basis, those things that will serve our son’s/daughter’s momentum toward recovery/in recovery… as well as what will serve our own healthy change process, sense of well being, and hope. That’ll get us there!

Thank you so much for posting this. I have seen this from the other side. My parents when I was an addict would do almost anything, and I knew that. It hurt me and them in the long run. If I knew I was going to get tough love, things might have turned out different. Thank you so much for posting this and bringing light to this issue. God bless you.

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