Taking Action Against My Son’s Drug Problem | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

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Taking Action Against My Son’s Drug Problem

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

Father and teenage son How could a recovering alcoholic and addict possibly fail to recognize the symptoms of drug abuse in his own teenager? Stupidity? Blindness? I’d have to say both, combined with a powerful, potentially deadly dose of trust.

In 8th grade, my son was part of the Gifted Students Program. One year later, he nearly failed his freshman year. But there were what my wife, Paula, and I mistakenly considered, mitigating circumstances.

The summer prior to attending high school, he suffered a bout of mononucleosis, and the doctor warned us that the illness could reoccur. He seemed to have fully rebounded in time to attend classes, and even to compete on the high-school wrestling team. But in a matter of months he started coming home exhausted, going directly to his bedroom, and “sleeping,” or more accurately “passing out.” He looked pale, with dark circles under his eyes, and he lost his appetite and grew skinny.

All signs and symptoms of drug abuse. But did we see it? No. He also quit wrestling. A teen withdrawing from sports and activities they used to love is also another big red flag. And we completely missed it.

Instead we brought him back to the doctor, thinking the mononucleosis had returned. His tests came back negative, including another for the closely related Epstein-Barr virus.

Now let me cut to the chase.

In the first week of his sophomore year, he was caught ditching class, four days out of eight in World History, and it’s then that my wife and I finally put it together. We confronted him as soon as he came home that day.

“Are you using drugs?”

“No.”

“Look me in the eye,” I said, “and tell me you’re not getting high.”

Fortunately he’s not much of a liar, and he could only glance up at me, then he lowered his eyes. But the lie came anyway.

“No,” he said. “I don’t use drugs. I’ve just been sick.”

Our biggest mistake was in trusting him. But we trusted him because we love him and because he had never lied to us before. Little lies? Sure. What kid hasn’t? A big lie, like drug use? No. Not to our knowledge. We were in denial and wanted to believe him. That wanting to trust, that need, that desire can be lethal.

Given my own dark past, I put the word out on him among the recovering addicts I know.

A simple question:

“I don’t care who’s dealing to him. I’m not trying to bust anybody. I just want to know what he’s taking. What’s his rep?”

Inside of a week, I had three reliable sources report that my son was known as a pot smoker, Ecstasy user, and a drinker. The Ecstasy worried us most, because that drug is chemically similar to the stimulant methamphetamine. At that point there was no more denying the obvious, and my wife and I had to take action. Here are five things we did. Let’s call them rules.

Rule One: Drug Test

It’s best to have a doctor administer a drug test, but we bought an over-the-counter drug test kit. Please keep in mind that drug tests, professionally administered or not, aren’t a hundred percent accurate, and teens also often find ways to beat these tests. Still, our son’s home drug test came up positive for THC and a benzodizepine, and he didn’t deny the results.

Rule Two: Consider Changing Schools

Remove the teenager from the drug environment and peer pressure. In this case, it meant changing schools, from public to private, and though it was an expensive move, and we’re not wealthy people, it was worth the sacrifice. In our small community, the only private high school is a Christian Academy, with small classes (12-15 students) and a zero-tolerance policy for drugs. There were, according to our son, “no cool kids,” which we took to mean non-drug users. Begrudgingly, however, he adapted to his new environment. I should add that in our initial meeting with the principal that we conveniently failed to mention his drug use for fear he’d be denied admission.

Rule Three: Attendance at A.A. and N.A. Meetings

Though he wasn’t an addict, he was well on his way. From honor student to nearly failing his freshman year means he was on the fast-track to the dark side. Since membership in Alcoholic Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous requires only a “desire to quit drinking (or using),” I took him to many meetings. It’s important for teen drug and alcohol abusers to see others their own age who are full-blown addicts and hear the horrific stories of where their drugging and drinking took them; and, most importantly, how when they cleaned up their act, they turned their lives around. In other words, he didn’t need to hit a deeper bottom before pulling back up.

Rule Four: Ground Rules and Curfews

We feared if we cut him off from all his old friends, including his girlfriend, that he’d rebel and we’d lose whatever little ground we’d gained. So we set some rules. If he went out, he had to be back by 11 PM, and he also had to agree to take a drug test the following morning. If he failed to meet the curfew or pass the drug test, he’d be grounded for a month and his cell phone taken away. One night he missed curfew, and Paula and I had to pick him up at his girlfriend’s house. When he got in the car, I could see he was high and smelled alcohol on his breath. The next morning he failed his drug test for benzodiazepines (this was frightening news, since taking tranquilizers and drinking can be a deadly cocktail).

To his credit, without much grumbling, he turned over his cell phone and accepted his grounding. In time, he lost contact with most of his old friends. Since he couldn’t get high, he didn’t feel – again to his credit - that there was much point in hanging out with them.

Rule Five: Spend More Time With Your Child

Paula and I both made a point of spending more time with our son. For her, that meant taking him to the movies, shopping, and lunches. For me, since he enjoys wrestling, that meant spending more time with him in training. The benefits we’ve reaped from including him more in our lives on a daily basis have been tremendous. At first, like most teenagers, he didn’t want to hang out with his parents, but that wore off after a couple of months, and now we’re closer than ever.

It’s been nearly a year since we first discovered our son was taking drugs and drinking, and except for the one time he broke curfew, every drug test we’ve since given him has come up negative. I’ve talked to him a lot about my own addiction and where it took me, and how, given our genetic link, he’s right in line to follow in my footsteps if he isn’t extremely careful. Now, since he’s been clean for nearly nine months, Paula and I feel he’s earned back our trust, at least enough to let him return to the public school (for a number of reasons, he’s not happy at the Christian Academy) and compete again in wrestling. He’s also well aware that from here on out our eyes will always be wide open.

Obviously we’re taking a chance.

But we believe in our child, as we must, just as we hope our child believes in us.

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Posted by James Brown | Filed under Addiction, Confronting Teens, Ecstasy, Family History, Family members, Treatment, Warning Signs, getting help

The problem for all parents who are themselves addicts should be approached much younger. The prevalence of ‘family’ addiction is very high; around 80% of those who contact my Internet based service admit to a ‘family’ connection to addiction. Addict parents must expect their children to be far more susceptable to drugs and alcohol. Early education tends to work far better than grounding a teenager.
The other area that I’m researching is adopted children. In the UK it is highly likely that adopted children have come from addictive parents. A Swedish study some years ago showed this to be true and despite growing up in stable sober families, the adopted child often became an addict. Early signs are that the same is true in the UK - but the numbers are not statistically large enough to form an acceptable result.

I was a health care professional, & I missed many signs my son was abusing drugs. Both his asthma med’s & alcohol & later he turned to cocaine & heroin. I tricked him into treatment when I realized what was going on, he was then 16. He made it thru the rehab & was clean & sober for awhile, but relapsed time after time. When he was 18 & I no longer had the right to commit him, & he wandered about abusing drugs, in/out of treatment but finally went into Job Corps got his GED & was once again clean & sober & seemed happy. Foolishly, I thought it was behind him when he was in his 20’s. I could not have been more wrong. My son died of a heroin overdose. He had been clean & sober for some time. An old drugging buddy came to his home one night & said, “Lets party.” Kelly died on the floor of his home, his buddy & his buddies girlfriend cleaned up their mess & left my son alone. If they had called for help, my son might have been revived, but they waited for a whole day before reporting it to the Sheriff. I am about to celebrate his birthday 8/7, at the cemetery, where I’ve celebrated with him for the past 15 yr. I sing to him, I cry for him, I leave flowers, & have balloons with loving notes to him folded inside that I release so they may find him in Heaven. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, & ache for his hugs, or hear his infectious laughter. He’s gone, my only son. He fought hard for his sobriety, but he wasn’t strong enough. This life was too harsh for him. Now I know where he is & that he is no longer in pain. My son, my son! I miss him every minute. Please read a book titled, “Between Two Pages:Children of Substance” by GriefNet Parents. It’s available from GriefNet &
Amazon. It is 12 stories of 12 parents whose children have died from substance abuse. I have no answers for anyone whose child is drugging, I wasn’t able to save my son, why would I think I could save someone elses? The nightmarfe continues . . .

I’m terribly sorry to hear of your loss. Heroin is a real killer, and it’s everywhere now, where once it flew under the radar for only the hard core addicts. I think many will appreciate your honesty that no one has a definitive answer on how to stop our loved ones from self-destructing. I lost my alcoholic brother and sister to suicide, and know full well that the nightmare doesn’t ever go away. With knowledge of the disease of addiction, with the love of friends and family, by spreading the message of the dangers of drugs, by fighting the good fight to help others, and perhaps above all by maintaining my own sobriety, I’m learning to cope. I’ve struggled, like you, and continue to struggle, but where before I had no hope of ever being able to move forward, now I do, even if it’s only a modest hope. I’ve written a couple of memoirs on these struggles, The Los Angeles Diaries and This River, and I don’t know if they’d be helpful to you, but please know you’re not alone in your grief and pain. Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and dignity.

It’s so painful, bringing tears to my eyes, when reading stories from parents who’ve lost a beloved child to heroin addiction. This disease is horrific and unfortunately seems to be growing more prevalent. When James Brown talks about his own struggle with addiction and trying to help his son through the tough times as a teen, I hope it will go well and the son will never face the loneliness of addiction as an adult.

I found, in my own experience with an adult child using heroin, that the ups and downs feel unending. Alcohol and drug use began in her teens and things would get better and then slip back to using again.

Right now, I don’t know where my daughter is. A few weeks ago I was telling a friend that things were much better; I felt relieved and hopeful. And then our family went through a 180 degree turn back towards uncertainty. One counselor told me this is a long slow road and I shouldn’t have unreasonable expectations. Right now, I only hope for word that my daughter is OK.

Wouldn’t it be nice if your kid took your advice so he wouldn’t have to make the same mistakes as yourself?

“A fool learns from his own mistakes, A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.” I believe that 9 times out of 10 it’s safe to consider a teen a fool. This can be seen socially and proven scientifically. The frontal lobe of the brain which controls the skills to make good judgements and decisions isn’t fully developed until the age of 25.

Why am I so sure of this? I’m a teenager myself and have experimented with drugs at an early age. Not only this, but many members of my family have struggled with addiction to drugs and alcohol. My parents would constantly try to educate me at an early age about how I’m more susceptible to addiction. They didn’t want me to go down that same path. But what did I do? I rebelled - something that is almost instinctual for a teen to do. I began experimenting with drugs before getting caught a bit later. My parents then proceeded to punish me. Being punished made me finally give in.

Obviously the same method isn’t going to work with everyone. Some may learn from being taught at an early age, but some may not, and I say this out of experience. If a teenager wants to rebel and not listen to the ‘life lessons’ you taught him…he will. Punishment and groundings is what got me out of the hole I was digging for myself, but like I said, it’s different for everyone. There’s no recipe for raising a perfect child.

It was wonderful to read your story, but even more importantly to read what you did as a parent to pull your son back in. My daughter went through her senior year of high school using meth and it wasn’t until a year and a half later when she was in college and completely falling apart that we realized what she was doing. We are grateful that she is now doing well and is definitely a changed person, but my heart does go out to those who have lost their children to this disease.

Thanks for your nice comments, and for sharing your story about your daughter and how teenagers (or any addict/alcoholic) can and do change. Many, as you know, aren’t so fortunate. My heart, too, goes out for those who lost their children, or whose children are still out there, abusing alcohol and drugs. My own son is clean and sober now, and I have real hope that he’ll remain so. Addiction is truly a killer disease.

What a wonderful story, I believe it is the heartfelt stories like this that move us in to a place of knowing we are not alone on our journies. Feeling there is hope for healing is essential, and as parents there are really very few resources for us.
One resource that focuses on the transformaton from heartbreak to healing for parents of young addicts is, AMAZING GRIEF: A HEALING GUIDE FOR PARENTS OF YOUNG ADDICTS, it is a lifeline for ALL parents dealing with the emotional trauma of their childrens substance abuse and recovery. This amazing book can be purchased at http://www.amazinggrief.com I would encourage everyone to at least look at the website as it was a miracle for our family.

Thank you for your generous words, and I’ll definitely look up AMAZING GRIEF. I’m always on the look-out for helpful books related to addiction.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get a teen to admit they have a problem? It seems like until they do, or commit a crime, there’s no way to help them. My son started drinking and smoking pot at 14. Then he seemed to stop drinking, but started taking E. Then he was caught selling pot at school… and now, while I think he’s stopped taking E, he’s definitely sniffing something. When I confronted him with knowing about his drug paraphernalia, which included a rolled up paper tube and knife and plastic cards, he had stupid reasons for the knife and cards and actually said that he had no idea where the tube came from or what it was for. I’ve talked to many people over the last couple of years (he’s almost 16 now), and they all say the same thing… he needs to want help to get it, or commit a crime. He has lots of opportunities to get help, and lots of reasons to get clean… he speaks with a youth worker at school regularly, he’s super involved in martial arts and has the potential, motivation, and opportunity to take it to a higher level, he’s got supportive parents and he knows he’s loved like crazy… but he just seems to keep moving towards worse and worse drugs. He now admits weed is a “lifestyle choice” for him. (He’s 15!!) But I try to be understanding about that. Oh, and there’s a lot of addiction in our family, though not in myself or his dad. So, I’m really scared and he won’t admit he has a problem, and I can’t find any way to help him. I was trying to motivate him with opportunities to further his training with great teachers, which DOES motivate him… but obviously not enough. (And I was going to let him go to China for a time to study with a martial arts master there, but I can’t in good conscience send him if I think he may use drugs there.) He won’t take a drug test. He won’t admit he has a problem. Now what. Any ideas?

@Kathy,
I do have some suggestions, although there are no easy answers. 1) Find a support group for parents/family of addicts. Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or something else in your community and go regularly. Go to more than one, and you’ll find one that is a good fit, and this will help you tremendously.

2) You can _make_ a teen take a drug test(s). You do it by taking away privileges, with the drug testing as the requirement to get them back (driving priviliges/getting his license, cell phone, grounding, etc). Think tough love. They can learn tricks to get by home tests, and you might want to consider taking him to a lab that uses special protocols to deter cheating (your family doctor can write a script for the lab tests) or to a counseling or treatment program that will do the test. Call around to find places that will help you with this. For families doing frequent drug testing, buying 8-10 panel tests online by the case is much cheaper than the individual tests sold at the local drug store (which usually only cover a few substances). I let my 18 year old go by himself to the office where we’d arranged for him to get tested, and they gave us both the results. He waited until he knew it would be “clean”, but it showed him I was serious about not letting him drive our car while using (weed).

3) There is a post on this site about using motivational interviewing techniques with your teen. Look under te “Treatment” tag or do a search for “Teens only think of themselves”.

4) I’d also try to find a counselor or therapist who is experienced with motivational interviewing, substance abuse & teens, and require your teen to meet with him or her, at least a few times. Take him there. In my area, counselors that are good with teens are RARE, but it can’t hurt to research this now. If he isn’t ready to make changes to his life, he won’t engage in therapy and this won’t really help him, but it can’t hurt to try (other than the expense) and maybe when he’s ready, someone, maybe the person you found, can connect with him.

As you say there are no easy answers when dealing with issues of addiction, and certainly no guarantees, but your response to Kathy’s situation strikes me as sensible and potentially helpful. Thank you for your good, earnest advice.

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