My Son’s Drug Addiction: What I Learned About Myself | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Addiction, Hope, Recovery, Self-reflection, Taking Care of Yourself, parenting:

My Son’s Drug Addiction: What I Learned About Myself

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

Father and Son When I learned my son was addicted to drugs, my focus was on him and his addiction. Like many parents, I felt that his addiction was every bit my problem as it was his. I tirelessly tried to fix his addiction. After a few years of repeated behaviors and strong reactions, no one got better.

I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.

It wasn’t until I realized that I had so much to learn about myself and how I was reacting to this disease did I begin to feel better. I realized that my son’s sobriety was not within my ability to control. The extent of my authority over this disease ended at the tip of my nose.

“What have I learned?” I think this is the most important question a parent of a teen with an addiction can ask him- or herself. This self-reflective question emphasizes you, the parent, and not the child with the drug problem.

In the midst of crisis and drama, it is difficult to figure out what to do to support a loved one with an addiction. A parent cannot deal successfully with the chaos this disease brings if he or she is feeling fear and anger within.

True education occurs when we can sit quietly and reflect upon the events and look critically at our own role as a loving and supportive parent.

Without quiet contemplation and analysis of my own actions, a parent can fall into the same traps and reactions. After a long period of doing the same thing over and over again, you many begin questioning, ‘who is the crazy one in this picture?’

Working through the layers of actions and experiences to figure out what one has learned may or may not be a solitary exercise. Counselors, therapists, fellow loved ones of addicts can be brought in to help with this deliberation.

However, in the end, the decisions lie with you and how you choose to internalize the learning. Following that, you begin to realize the truism of the saying, “Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”

“What have I learned?” is a recurring theme throughout parenting a loved one with an addiction.

What have I learned through the years? A better question would be what have I learned, unlearned and re-learned? This disease is not one that lends itself to a standardized treatment regimen that guarantees recovery. In fact, recovery is actually a misnomer in that there is a new normal.

To the other parents out there, there will be more learning and unlearning as you go along. This is a fluid disease that changes symptoms and behaviors as it progresses. We must become more flexible in our learning and treatment if we ever hope to live a healthy lifestyle and have a meaningful relationship with our loved one with an addiction.

Parents, what have you learned about yourself?

Print This Post

Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Addiction, Hope, Recovery, Self-reflection, Taking Care of Yourself, parenting

I am so lost. My son has been an addict for 6 1/2 years. He has bounced in and out of our house. Gotten two different girls pregnant. Hasnt ever really worked a job, and now is living in the motel from hell….He totaled his car and he has only two more weeks and then nowhere to go. My 18,11 and 9 year old are in my care. Jordan, my son who is addicted has a horrible relationship with his stepfather. He does not know his biological father, but the person who I married took Jordan in as his own at 9 months and loves him greatly. The last straw for me was I always said please no needles in my home, no drugs for that matter, but if I ever find a needle I have to make you go. So one day I say his arms and hands, he had track marks. I was put into a panic attack that was so bad I had to be taken to the hospital to calm me down. He denied they were track marks and I wanted to believe him and gave him a chance because I had no evidence(in my head). I myself have been very sick with three back surgeries and he would startle me at night begging for my back medication, but when his girlfriend asked if Jordan was buying PERCOCETS for me I was shocked. That was July 4th. When he left I went through everything in his room, found needles loaded hidden in a Lion King case and more needles and bottle caps with white substance. I put everything in a bag called the police and they suggested I section him. So I asked my husband to take both little kids to his mothers and my other son was at a friends house. I knew Jordan would be looking for those needles when he came home. I was fully clothed, slept with a bat and my purse along with my rosary beads. Jordan thought I wasnt awake when he came into my room on his hands and knees searching for the needles he woke me up trying to tell me that he thought someone had been in the house and that maybe some of his friends needles may have not been unpacked so he was worried. I acted like nothing was wrong and told him to go to bed. He searched the entire house. The next morning I brushed my teeth left and went to court. We sectioned him he stayed for 30 days and then was kicked out of the halfway house because they thought he was using. He had a seizure the first night he was there. My husband and son will not let him back in this house there is a restraining order against him. The goal was for him to go to long term treatment. He decided it was more important to see his child being born. I have no support. I need help as I am completely physically and mentally broken. Any advice would be helpful. I dont want my son to die,,,,,,

Jennifer,
You do have support in many ways, you just need to look in the right places to find it. Coming to this site is a step in the right direction. You can also attend Naranon Meetings. You can call or email me. You are not alone. Many of us have experienced the same thing with our children or loved ones. Certainly not an easy battle and one that does effect the whole family. I understand your fears and concerns. Keep reaching out for love and support. Continue to get educated on addiction, that alone will help you tremendously. It is possible to love your son without enabling him.
Stay strong and God Bless,
Nancy
nancy@canuhearme.org
609-661-2512 EST

Wonderful post to let other parents know that their struggles and challenges are not unique. Addiction was not something I was prepared for and I was caught off guard when I realized the extent of the disease. We, as parents scramble to try and get help as best we can, and hope for a positive outcome, but it is definitely a daunting task and we learn quickly that we cannot control the addiction. It great to have this site as a wonderful resource for parents in this situation.

Quote: “A better question would be what have I learned, unlearned and re-learned? This disease is not one that lends itself to a standardized treatment regimen that guarantees recovery. In fact, recovery is actually a misnomer in that there is a new normal.”

I think your comment on “learning and re-learning” is one of the biggest lessons I’ve acquired along this journey with my daughter who is an addict and struggles with mental health issues. I’ve tried to commit myself to keeping an open mind to new possibilities. And I try to be kind to myself when I discover that I need to learn things all over again.

When a counselor told me “this is a long slow road” I didn’t want to believe it. I thought I wouldn’t last, I thought I couldn’t last. And it’s not a picnic at times, for sure. But after two years of hoping and wanting and praying for change in my daughter, I’ve discovered the biggest change is in myself.

I have learned that we have to learn to live with hope, we deserve happiness, and that detaching is the only way to live in peace with addiction. Addiction is a disease, it is okay to not know the answers or direction to take. One day at a time.

Jennifer you are doing the right thing. I’m praying for you and your son. “Let go and let God”.Don’t go through this alone.Find a church,a support group as it was suggested here. And believe God can rescue your son. Keep loving him and praying for him.You have to believe that the same God that so wonderfully knitted him together in your womb is the same God that is watching over him right now. Please read Psalm 139. It declares that ‘if your son makes his bed in sheol (hell)God is there! Read the word of God and you will find comfort and hope. You will also feed your soul. I want to please read Luke 15:11 and if you can read the book called THE PRODIGAL GOD,by Timothy Keller.Take care of yourself.Blessings,my dear.

I could not believe I found this website just by typing my son is a drug addict. I typed it in google because I felt I had to see it in black and white so I could realize it. I am so broken. My beautiful son is a drug addict. We have tried and tried to help him to no avail. What happened yesterday was the last straw. We were cleaning out the garage and found his needles and a burned spoon. Today, he came home and told me that he spent the weekend at his girlfriend’s house “dealing with it” and that he had done it on his own. He then packed somethings and said he was leaving because he was embarrassed and didn’t deserve to be here. He then got angry at me and accused me of always accusing him of drug and alcohol use and of not giving him a good father. My husband and I were married when he was 5 years old. He is the only father my son has ever had. His own died when he was 8 1/2, but had never taken the time to try and be a father to his only child. I’ve never said anything bad about his father and my husband has been the same father to him as he has been to our other two children. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of what will happen to my son if he leaves our home, but I don’t want my other two children (21, 18) to suffer seeing their brother the way he is. My son is 27 years old. I know this site is for parents of teens addicts, but believe me, to me he will always be my little boy. I pray for all of you and your children. My our great Lord protect them and give you peace.

	Drugfree.org Time To Act!© 2012 The Partnership at Drugfree.orgThe Partnership at Drugfree.org does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. More.