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Moving Away From Enabling
Thursday, September 23rd, 2010
The best thing you can do for yourself or any addict you care about is to not enable their drug addiction. Parents can fail in this regard when they are unable to accept a family member’s addiction as a serious problem. With the best of intentions, parents can unknowingly support their teen’s drug use by enabling. As sad as it is for parents to see this; it is equally an enigma to an addict as they find that their mental condition progressively responds only to their cravings. It’s important to do everything you can to stop feeding the lifeline to addiction – it can really save lives.
Too often, young addicts steal — and as a result many parents enable by not holding the young addict accountable for their actions. Often times the thought of jail, shame and the fear of loss paralyzes a family. Those who live with a drug addict and have endured many violations understand a level of madness that can’t be explained. It is a sobering thought to find that jail isn’t more dangerous than life on the streets for a young addict. A parent’s instinct is to protect their child at all costs, but drug addiction doesn’t rationalize what a second or third chance means. This disease has a course of its own — unless interrupted by an intervention. For many diseases, intervention comes in the form of medicine and care. Cancer doesn’t ask permission to be brutal, neither does addiction.
From a scientific perspective, addiction is considered a disease. Some may argue that addiction is a moral issue, but facts now show that it is a medical condition. Brain chemistry is targeted and often shows co-occurring mental disorders – the perfect storm for a young addict. This is where I see the worst. As addiction progresses, violations to an addict’s family progress and something has to give. If a parent can’t pull together the resources for intervention and treatment, they often resort to denial and enabling. But, there are things we can do for a family member struggling with an addiction that are not expensive. Behavioral changes, for starters, are free and make a big difference. In The Second Parental Deadly Sin, Karen Franklin addresses “enabling” as a first step for families in dealing with a loved one’s addiction.
Acceptance is also a great tool. Accepting the addiction without judgment or supporting it is key. It is not giving in to it. A disease, however, is a disease. It won’t go away because you tell it to. Replacement drug therapy is considered the medicine for addiction and can be a second step to get longer term users off street drugs. While effective, replacement drugs require an iron will for an addict to stay off street drugs. Post-acute withdrawal symptoms and cravings can last for months or years and are always a threat to relapse.
Finally, finding patient counseling and psychiatric opportunities for the addict helps them stay involved with recovery and deal with themselves more effectively. NA and AA work well to keep new addicts from re-integrating into street life. It works for some.
Making light of any addiction doesn’t help anyone involved — the truth is: many do need outside help. One way to stand in the way of that is to deny the disease of addiction exists. Denial feeds enabling and is a tough dilemma for families. Accepting your child’s drug addiction means re-visiting all expectations and allowing sobriety to take front seat.
Editor’s Note: To read more posts by Bill Ford, please visit Living With a Drug Addict: Holding the Line Also Means Letting Go, Your Teen Drug Addict on the Fringe and Courage, Change and Acceptance.
Posted by Bill Ford | Filed under Addiction, Co-Occurring Disorders, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Enabling, Recovery & Relapse
25 Comments on “Moving Away From Enabling”
Ron Grover says:
October 7th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
Bill,
Here is what I wrote to a bunch of parents struggling with enabling:
Why Do I Enable My Childs Drug Use?
Why do I????
Let’s be real and deeply honest about this behavior. As a parent I enable because it makes ME feel better. Yes, that is the truth I really am that selfesh that I would do things to make me feel better at the expense of the child I love more than life itself.
It makes ME feel better to give my son or daughter money for a meal when in the back of my mind I have this nagging feeling that they are just going to buy another hit with the money.
It makes ME more comfortable to have them living in my warm house and using because I can watch over them instead of making them face the harsh reality and consequences of drug usage on a cold snowy sidewalk.
It makes ME feel better when they beg for a ride or a car and I am able to provide a car. Doesn’t matter that they may kill someone driving when they are high or are using the car to steal things or sell drugs.
I could go on and on.
Tell me what would you think of a parent of a child if that child had a curable cancer by chemotheraphy and a parent wouldn’t take them for treatment because the child always got so sick and lost their hair and you felt so bad for them because of the side effects from the chemotheraphy?
Would you consider that child abuse?
Addiction is a disease in the brain. It is incurable. The disease can be in remission but I know of no addict that has been CURED.
There is treatment for the disease but it is impossible for you as a parent of an addict to reach in and “fix this”. The sad truth is you cannot fix it but you prolong it by enabling. It is sad when a parent creates the conditions to prolong their childs suffering due to being so selfesh that they enable so that they can feel better about “helping” their child.
Harsh words? Yep, I speak these harsh words because I did it all. I was so ignorant in all of this at one time I actually wrote my son a letter telling him I could clearly see the danger in which he was placing himself and I was willing to give my life to get between his drugs and him. What an uneducated fool I was when I wrote that. I now know if got between his drug use and him and it cost me my life, he’d be using again the next day and I’D BE THE ONE DEAD.
We’ve all enabled as parents. No reason to feel guilty as long as we recognize the truth and we find a way to change ourselves, and that will be as painful as anything we have ever experienced in our life. Because truth is, ourselves are really the only people we can change.
The guilt lies in knowing the truth and refusing to accept our own pain because it feels so bad and we don’t like to feel bad ourselves.
Bill Ford says:
October 8th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Good Points! Those parents who have been there have enabled a drug abuser in their family to one degree or another. The point about the incurable nature of addiction is a good topic. Some do not agree. That is the ongoing argument of moral vs medical. As a fan of NA and AA, I know the folks whom have had success in that setting do not assume their addiction is cured. That is why they stay sober. Staying sober does become a life style and that is what is so hard for the younger ones to accept. They want to make their mark by not conforming and in doing so undermine their independence to drug and alcohol dependence, aka addiction. I truly feel for young addicts, as I do my own son. I know that intervention becomes harder, the longer the use continues, but the vision of recovery is always real and a distinct possible for anyone who still has the capacity to choose.
Susan Lea says:
October 10th, 2010 at 8:26 pm
I find the concept of enabling very confusing. Yes, giving money is foolish. Yes, giving a car to someone who is drinking or using drugs is foolish. Yes, giving a ride to a child who wants to buy drugs is down-right stupid.
But giving an adult child a safe place to stay seems to make sense if that child is trying to get clean. But relapse is common and there’s a fine line between saying “get out” and being supportive when that happens. I read somewhere that relapsing 8 times is pretty average for someone trying to quit opiates. I don’t see how I help the situation by throwing my daughter into the street. She already feels horribly guilty and like a failure if she relapses.
I don’t believe it’s enabling to welcome my daughter into my home if she is sick and miserable and needs to be safe from the streets and all the awful things that can happen to a young woman on the streets.
Some young people die from suicide or overdose. And of course that doesn’t mean that the parents are to blame. But I would feel like I should have done more if that happened to my child. Our family has very little money. We can’t pay for in-patient treatment. If my daughter is seeking treatment from a methadone clinic or a doctor or N/A meetings, I feel I should at least give her a roof over her head.
Bill Ford says:
October 11th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Confusing is an understatement. It’s through much trial and error do addicts and their families get through this. Eight relapses for an opiate addict or any addict for that matter sounds like a close average from everything I’ve seen. Certainly after all the years dealing with addiction in our families, we have much of value to share; but a silver bullet answer. No! So, what is the fine line between reckless enabling and a legitimate effort towards enabling a loved one towards their own recover? That’s where its confusing. Its a balancing act that I have had to walk very carefully and it is not without mistakes. It clearly isn’t easy to pass on. At this point, I caution those new to this in their family; the earlier an intervention the better. Use the power of legal parental guardianship before that opportunity is gone.
Lee @ Addiction Blog says:
October 13th, 2010 at 10:55 am
We are working with a close friend whose 38 year old opioid/methadone/heroin addict lives off of her. She cooks, cleans, and provides a roof for him. I’m afraid that she is simply prolonging the inevitable. Already, one addict has died under their roof. I feel sad for all of them (she has 2 grandkids and an addict daughter-in-law)…but feel that our friend needs to step back. But, it is so much easier said than done! This is her ONLY family, and without them, she is alone in the world. It is so difficult to stop being an enabler!!!
Karen says:
October 18th, 2010 at 5:58 pm
As a parent who lost a son to a heroin overdose I lived through the nightmare, barely.
I never understood enabling when I was in the midst of it but now its so clear the way I enabled.
Parents ask me if they should drive there kids to meetings, or therapist appointments, ect. They are so confused as to where enabling starts and how it escalates.
Enabling is bailing your kid out of jail so he won’t lose his job or hiring an attorney so they don’t have a criminal record.
Of all the mistakes I made with good intention, I now realize that the sooner they pay the consequences for their action the sooner they might just get it…
We can literally LOVE our KIDS TO DEATH…
Patti Herndon says:
October 18th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Keep learning and sharing. Then, trust “your” instincts, Susan. They are really good ones, by the way. Your daughter is a fortunate young lady to have such a loving, dedicated mom ;0)
melissa eubank says:
December 10th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
I guess after reading these comments that I and my family are enablers ourselves and the last line the I read was We can literally LOVE our KIDS TO DEATH. I really do believe that. Our son is living with us now, no job, no car just a place to sleep, but he is still getting high, how he get his drugs I have no idea. He is not allowed to drive our cars and we take the keys with us where ever we go to ensure that he doesn’t steal the car. We have to hide everything, check books so he does steal and forge our names on the checks which he has. I have tried to get him to go into rehab and he doesn’t want to go and I have no idea what to do and how to handle the issues at hand. I have a younger son and as much as I love my child, I can’t continue to let him live in my house and be I don’t have the heart to put him on the streets and then I am sure that I will be burying him. Please let me know you thoughts.
Melissa
Bill Ford says:
December 13th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Melissa – You are at a place, many of us have been. We all have a breaking point and this is not easy to talk about when the subject is a son or daughter, especially when they are still young (18-20) After a point, an adult child still living at home has to be accountable to a standard of care the same as we expect for anyone living with us. That’s were tough love comes in and where it can be hard to let go when that young person has little motivation to step out on their own…and the question is always, why do they do what they do? My best recommendation is to alway use the free resources of Alanon or Naranon as a tool. It is just too hard to second guess exactly what your going through via emails and of course! – keep reading blogs like this. There is real experience the meeting halls and blogs that one can benefit from and maybe avert repeating the same heartache for themselves. As far as rehab and recovery goes, if we missed the due diligence when a teen-addict is very young, then later, we can still facilitate an intervention once or twice, but after that it has to be a choice, often related to a persons bottom. Where an addict seeking recovery goes, ranges from places that cost lots of money to free county beds to prescribed replacement drug programs and to something as simple as AA or NA meetings …and maybe considering residency in an inexpensive sober house. Sober houses are common in many towns and cities and cost about the same as a studio apartment. They all require some recovery work on the part of the addict or alcoholic.
When mental issues are at play it is more complicated and yet another area where solutions and good directions are tough to come by. Parents usually make different accommodations for that. Its an imperfect science and the offending addict is often no more willing to cooperate, so tough love still rules in many of these cases. Aside from personal cooperation from the addict, public petitions are the only other option for addicts with separate diagnosable conditions, usually severe. That is one of my pet peeves and I think our states fall short in dealing with dual diagnosis in our judicial correctional institutions. There is a saying in 12 step meetings. “There are some who are constitutionally unable to be honest with themselves…” I think dual diagnosis is a factor here. The problem is that most states see addiction trumping the issue of dual factors and addiction treatment is poorly funded. I guess it is the age old question of which came first, the chicken or the egg ( the dysfunction or the addiction ) States see the addiction first. Many addicts have some coexisting issue and I think we see that dysfunction in the younger addicts we would like to do an intervention on and feel like we are beating our head against the wall tying to help someone who doesn’t really want help. There just isn’t much outside help available, so moms and dads can have a lot of burden on their shoulders. I think many of us have to let go of the burden at some point at least from a practical, non-enabling standpoint.
Obviously, watching a loved one suffer in their addiction is always a burden in some definition, but remaining willing to be of assistance when the time is right doesn’t need to equate with enabling. It is something that necessitates a parent to step into a new realm of expectation and willingness beginning with acceptance of the reality in the situation. Good luck!
Patti Herndon says:
February 3rd, 2011 at 6:03 am
Melissa,
It’s clear that you are an engaged, loving parent. It’s obvious that you are motivated to learn what it is that you can do in your circumstances that will increase the odds of recovery for your son and peace for your family. Already, you’re increasing your momentum. In just the decision to reach out and gather information, you are essentially upping the odds for improving balance and sustainable recovery. Even in those times when it feels like we are lost regarding “What do I do?…What do I do “this” time?”, (relapse is part of the journey) we are increasing our momentum toward sustainable balance. As we make the choice to remain engaged, “learning along” in as big a frame as we can manage for the circumstances we are met with; that conscious “choosing”, in and of itself, becomes living progress. Keep nurturing it and rolling ahead. Note: It’s important to take in a balance of information, suggestions, and advisements. But, ultimately, what you experience as being appropriate decisions made regarding the support/advocacy of your son, should not need not be qualified or quantified by others in order for you to experience peace in the decision-making process. That being said, its also assumed that yours is a focus on strategies in parenting that increase self-efficacy for your son, and also family system harmony that fosters individual growth of each family member -the identified goal. When that is the consistent goal, the decisions that are made are going to be the appropriate decisions for circumstances –no matter what those circumstances are… on any given day.
In my own experience, and in witnessing the journey of other parents…our perspective, our reactions and the resulting influence on our sons and daughters decision making is intertwined -Not to be taken as “we are responsible for their self-harming choices”. Rather…the way “we” choose to react to/ cope with the challenges associated with addiction influences their belief- either that they are capable or are not capable of making healthy change. “Modeling”. If we are frantic, empathy-less, angry and inflexible, closed-off, boundary-less, hope-challenged- Chances are our son/daughter will be too. As non addicts, we are not triggered to cope with those uncomfortable feelings via an established (and also likely hardwired) patterned response of self-medicating with dangerous, mood-altering substances…but our addicted son/daughter is.
Parents love their kids. Most of us would walk to the end of the earth and back as many times as our legs would carry us in effort to encourage life-balance, and to influence “health” for our children in crisis. That’s normal. That’s the power of love. When we supercharge that love with learning it’s an incredibly healing combination.
I think the earlier miles of the journey in recovery discovery are often the hardest. Those miles often coincide with an intense and consistent sense of confusion and upheaval. The learning associated with recovery is hard. The sad truth: Some parents…No…A lot of parents “give up”. They don’t find themselves giving up because there is absence of love but because all manner of resources have become depleted. We can lack the stamina needed, and the pacing skill set that becomes critical in the journey. And, lacking effective coping tools designed for the long journey that is addiction results in our becoming vulnerable to cues that don’t help, and those that can increase risk for the addict and the family. “If you help her in any way you’ll just make her addiction worse”, “Don’t help support him in any way” -not even food. “Drop him off at the homeless shelter”…”Don’t ever take her calls”… ”You can do no more than pray for your addicted child.” Such polarizing, option-stiffling urgings. Menu of options: Cultivate and utilize…The more, the better
I gotta’ feeling you are not going to choose to give up, Melissa. Rather you will choose to keep learning via sources that best reflect current, clinically-driven, evidence-based information. It’s advisable to choose many sources of learning related to addiction. Pace yourself… And increase the potential regarding cultivating your sense of peace and confidence in parenting your addiction-disordered son by giving multiple philosophies a chance when it comes to peer support. No matter how long the philosophy has been around, it won’t serve 100% of people, 100% of the time. One size does not fit all. If it did we would be met with only a single option for support – it being successful 100% of the time.
Trust your inner wisdom to guide you. Check your community for support groups…I’m not aware of any peer support group that charges a fee for participation, but that is just my experience. I’ve invested my time in a few. Basically, to my knowledge, these types of supports are generally free. And they can help, a lot. These kinds of supports are best utilized as adjunct help. They are not “treatment”. Better… these kinds of supports aid in increasing your own creative, coping mechanism toward increased peace and confidence regarding your chosen approach to advocating for your son, yourself, your family.
All or nothing approaches/philosophies: Personally, I would run, not walk, away from any support group experience whereby its participants implied/urged that their approach, their philosophy, is the best/only path to peace and balance/recovery. No one philosophy owns the road. Ask the meeting facilitator and members’ questions. This will ultimately help guide discernment as to whether the utilized philosophies are in line with your internal compass. Ex: Ask for views regarding doctor prescribed medications used in treating addiction/depression or other mental health diagnosis. That is an example of a question that can help make the decision as to whether there will be more fishing or a cutting of the bait. Rigid/Inflexible = pull up the anchor and move on down the “crik” ;0).
Melissa… have faith, have hope that there exists for you, your son, your family increasingly navigate-able road ahead. Prepare for a “marathon”. Develop, one step at a time, those strategies that reinforce patterns that bring about an increasing sense of “can do this”. Reflect on the progress you see, often. Big, immediate change is often not sustainable. Life-changing progress is likely to come in the form of increasingly consistant steps taken toward a goal.
Road Food: Clinical experts like Richard Dawson, who is a leading researcher in the treatment of addictions, a professor of psychiatry at the Semel Institute, and associate director of UCLA’s Integrated Substance Abuse Program, shared on the World News Series Report (ABC) Subject: Parents options for helping a drug-addicted child:
“We found that the major impacts of treatments that involve a lot of confrontation and tough love are to drive people away from treatment. It’s exactly the opposite of what we want to do”. From the ABC series: The tough love approach took off in the 70s and 80s …when all else fails, crack down. It can work, but experts caution that, if handled wrong, tough love can also do harm.”
What I glean from the quotes above is: Proceed with thoughtful, informed, empathy-driven logic tailored to the individual circumstances. All addicted people, regardless of a diagnosis of addiction/substance use disorder, or other mental health related disorder, have the capacity to improve their health and level of self-efficacy(and do so all of the time). The more healthy choices happen…the more they tend to keep happening.
Interactions, treatments, supports that operate from the bedrock belief that every addicted person has the capacity to engage their own harm-reducing, recovery-centered coping mechanism, will serve to influence that outcome, over and over -Power of the pattern. Addiction: It’s a process…One that takes as long as it takes.
Addiction is the journey. Recovery is the destination. (May we have the increasing courage, wisdom, hope, faith and passion for packing accordingly; 0)
mary says:
November 16th, 2011 at 8:13 pm
thanks everyone for your comments…i am living everything said with our son. But if you have one parent who is the enabler and the other who does not want to even see the adult child…what do you do ? so mind boggling….either way i go it seems i am damned if i do and damned if i don’t..
Beth says:
March 29th, 2012 at 3:28 pm
My son is 22 and addicted to opiates. I divorced his father for this same reason and my son continues to see his dad struggle with addiction. My son has been in detox and a 30-day program and relapsed three or four times most recently last week. I love my son so very much, and we have always had a very close relationship. He has the support and friendship of many people in AA/NA but it seems he is so ashamed and embarrased to return to meetings. I’m so worried and afraid he’s going to overdose but to be honest I’m just about fed up and just don’t understand it all. I haven’t talked to my son in a couple days and I’m not sure if I should reach out to him or just detach myself. I don’t want to enable him any longer but also don’t want to regret not calling him. Thanks to everyone for their support.
Bill Ford says:
April 2nd, 2012 at 10:56 pm
He is still young Any way you can convince him to detox again if necessary. Opiate addiction, like other addictions gets worse and relapse risk is always high. He is not alone. The term, I know is post withdrawal syndrome, hence the need for long term rehab or at least vigilance and iron will. What that means is that for reasons not always known, underlying causes and just the body re-adjusting, there are many symptoms that persist for months or longer that easily lead to relapse no matter how one does it. I hear restlessness, depression, insomnia, etc…Some addicts relapse simple to get a nights sleep. Its tough, but necessary if he chooses to get his life back. Hard detox or slow replacement drug weaning still have the same exposure to this. Point being, convince him that sooner is better and them deal with the re-adjustment period of 3 to 6 months for new addicts and a year or more for long term addicts. I recommend that people saturate themselves with meetings for a minimum of 90 days, daily. It works for many, and is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact most are proud to be there and “suffer” it out together. Have him read this. view: dadonfire.net
Charlene says:
July 7th, 2012 at 10:29 pm
I am new to this site. My 17 year old son is addicted to synthetic marijuiana. We just found out he stole my husbands ipod and sold it for money. I have a 5 year old daughter. We have given him the choice of rehab or he has to leave. we told him we cannot have this around his sister and that we cannot have a thief in our home. I am heartbroken and fear I am losing my strength to stand by this. He denies he has a problem. All of his friends tell me he has an addiction and most recently went on a four day binge. He has all the signs so there is no doubt. I dont’ know what to do. I feel like I am losing my mind. How can I turn my 17 year old out on the streets when I know he’ll go straight to the friends that he gets high with. But I have to protect my daughter and my home. I can’t live like this anymore.
change says:
July 10th, 2012 at 1:18 am
My daughter was once 17 and just starting her addiction. Now she’s 30 and still addicted thanks in part to my enabling. Don’t go down the same road I took and am still traveling, stop making him comfortable so he has no reason to stop. Believe me, if you don’t start taking action now, you will find you’re still doing this with him when he’s 30. It isn’t fun, it’s been pure hell and still is. Wish I had done some things earlier, like when it first started, instead of just now implementing change for ME.
Kristie says:
September 17th, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I have been in denial. And now I have been stunned into the truth. I have been living through the same hell for I realize now 5 yrs. It is hard to fathom as a parent that this can happen to your sweet innocent child the once Honor Roll student,star of the Football and Baseball Team. I have now just come to the painful truth in the last 48 hour that I Enabled this. I have made all these mistakes, I see now that I have Loved my child almost to death! I have just taken my own child to jail. I have to say it was the hardest 12 hour of our life
! I pray now that God gives me the strength. I am at peace to know he is safer in there then out here hurting himself and others because he is addicted. Thank you to all of you that have taken the time to share your experiences. I live on a small island in Hawaii with. It much support for parents in this situation. Because the parents and government are in denial of how bad the drugs use among our youth is. How do I go about starting a foundation to educate these parents before what has happened to my child happens to them.
Bill Ford says:
September 19th, 2012 at 10:23 pm
Yes, It happens to many of us. It would be great to alert others of the magnitude of what lays in wait with an addiction to hard drugs. As long as there is some form of hope that things will change, denial is the path many choose. Its unfortunate. So now you know. Some can talk about it and many can not. If you are one who can communicate, the outreach and foundation will evolve on its own. Each action and each moment of sharing is a step in that direction. If you have resources to offer in the form of a foundation, you can empower others to do more than they otherwise could on their own. Keep talking about it. Sooner or later the right person will hear you. All best to you and your child.
Susan says:
October 6th, 2012 at 11:00 pm
This is helpful. We just kicked our son out of the house for all the things talked about in previous posts, and it felt like the wrong thing to do because he is so sick. He’s done 3 rehabs in the last year and just continues to struggle (with drugs and mental illness). I guess it’s easy to get sucked into the mental illness component and therefore feel sorry for your child. In my upset state, I turned to Google and found this discussion. It has helped calm me down and I must say that having him gone is kind of a relief… Who KNOWS what tomorrow will bring.
Jane says:
October 9th, 2012 at 7:32 pm
I just found out that my son has been use meth on and off for 10 years. How can that be? How could he have been a functioning meth addict with no signs externally like the rotton teeth. He even kept a job until recently. I just don’t understand.
Liz says:
October 11th, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Dear All,
My beautiful 21 year old daughter is an addict. Has been for the last 4 years. She has been in rehab twice now and also did a few months in sober living in Florida… She came home recently after being away this time for 3 months and relapsed within TWO DAYS of being home. My daugther is an opiate addict…pills, heroin, etc.
In the past, I have enabled over and over and over again by allowing her to drive our car. I’ve been paying for her car insurance and gas.. Bailing her out of fines, etc. Giving her money for ‘food’. Allowing her to live with us while using.
With the help of Nar-Anon, I am learning not to do this anymore. This time prior to her coming home we had agreed to a few rule. First and formost was in order to live home and drive she must stay clean.. If not, she will not be allowed to live with me or have the car. When she started using again within two days, I made her leave the home and took away the car. I will stand FIRM on this.
She is venomous towards me. She is furious. She spewed hateful words at me.. said I was making her want to use. Said it would be my fault if she was in a ditch somewhere and that I was making it so she would have to go out and dance, i.e., strip, for money to support herself, on and on.
I am literally sick to my stomach, heartbroken, devastated, and so many other things, but I will not back down with this. I think my enabling in the past has made things worse and I’m praying that by being firm that she might finally hit her rock bottom and really want to change. Right now, I feel that I’ve wanted it so much more than she has. Comments? Words of hope? Anything you all can say would be greatly appreciated.
Bill Ford says:
October 11th, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Jane – I read that 22 million Americans use illegal drugs. This is according to the 2010 National Survey on Drug Use and Health. Here are some links from my Frontline and my own blog:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/meth/
http://dadonfire.net/2010/09/10/zero-meth-com/
http://dadonfire.net/2009/11/13/casual-drug-use/
Good luck – Bill
Bill Ford says:
October 11th, 2012 at 2:37 pm
Jane – I read that 22 million Americans use illegal drugs. This is according to the 2010 National Survey on Drug Use and Health. Here are some links from PBS Frontline and my own blog:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/meth/
http://dadonfire.net/2010/09/10/zero-meth-com/
http://dadonfire.net/2009/11/13/casual-drug-use/
Good luck – Bill
Pat BC says:
October 25th, 2012 at 12:38 am
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you. I am going through a similar situation with my 22 year old daughter, and being a respectable citizen I am beside myself with shame and humilitation. Just found out she had relapsed and I had been unwittingly enabling her by supplying gas, grocery cards, and sometimes cash because she was supposedly using it for treatment purposes. All that has stopped now. We are looking to do an intervention, and hopefully get her to go far away for long term treatment. Has anyone had any experience with interventions they can share?
Danny says:
April 26th, 2013 at 10:39 am
I am having the same EXACT issues as Mary. My son just turned 18. His stealing EVERYTHING, lying, getting high on synthetic marijuana. We all lock ourselves up in our rooms at night. I found him rehab, he wont go. I got him a job, he wont go. How do you kick your child out to protect your other children, when you know he has no where to go? All I do is cry. Thanks
Jerry Otero says:
April 26th, 2013 at 7:06 pm
Dear Danny,
Thanks for joining the Partnership at Drugfree.org’s online community. We are a drug abuse prevention, intervention, treatment and recovery resource, existing to help parents and caregivers effectively address alcohol and drug abuse with their teens, young adults, and other family members.
Boundaries are the guidelines that we identify to define what we feel are reasonable, safe, permissible ways for other people to behave around us and to treat us. Initially, it may be easy to shy away from the topic of boundaries, especially if we think of them as restrictive walls that close us in and shut others out. A more helpful way to think about them is to think about the true function they serve: clear boundaries can minimize miscommunication and free us to enjoy healthier relationships with our loved ones.
Addictive behaviors are often in direct conflict with healthy boundaries. In active addiction, respectful behavior that you used to take for granted is often replaced by new unacceptable ones, and as you have tried to help your loved one toward recovery, you may have found yourself attempting to manage the addiction in many ways.
But, what are our choices if you have already identified and communicated a boundary with your loved one?
We are responsible for “protecting” our own boundaries. In other words, if asking nicely isn’t getting the result that you wanted, you have a choice to make: back off and choose to live with the behavior, or move on to the next phase of boundary work. That is, setting limits that protect your boundaries. Your choice, no matter what it is, influences the likelihood of your loved one choosing to respect your boundaries — or not.
Recommended Reading List
From Chocolate to Morphine – Everything You Need To Know About Mind Altering Drugs by Andrew Weil and Winfred Rosen
Addiction Proof Your Children – A Realistic Approach to Preventing Drug, Alcohol and Other Dependencies, by Stanton Peale, Ph.D, J.D.
Don’t Let Your Children Kill You – A Guide for Parents of Drug Addicted Children by Charles Rubin.
To talk to a trained professional who cares about what you are going through, and can help you to process, get organized, brainstorm some ideas, or simply to let of some steam, call the Parent Helpine(number below).
Until then, I wish you and your family alll the best.
Jerry Otero
Parent Support Specialist
The Partnership at Drugfree.org
1-855-DRUGFREE (1-855-378-4373)
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