The Key to Dealing with My Son’s Drug Addiction? Setting Boundaries for Myself

Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Taking Care of Yourself, Uncategorized:

The Key to Dealing with My Son’s Drug Addiction? Setting Boundaries for Myself

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

I am a hard-headed stubborn guy with the propensity to be a control freak. (I hope there are no other fathers out there like me who are dealing with an addicted child.) It took me a long time to learn that my anger was a result of me not being able to control my son’s addiction. Eventually I learned that, at most, I have a small measure of influence with him. And the only real control I have is over my own self.

When Mom and I first began this nightmare of addiction we heard about boundaries. In my mind that was an easy one. Rules are rules; follow the rules and there would be no trouble. But I learned the hard way — addicts have no concept of rules and how they provide structure to society. If parents of an addict rely upon a set of rules to manage their addict’s behavior, they will live in an angry and frustrating world.

My famous directive to my son — and it was usually delivered at the top of my lungs — was: “No Lying, No Stealing and No Drugs. JUST WHAT THE HELL IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?!!”

I am finally beginning to understand, “just what the hell was so hard about that.” This has caused me more anger and frustration than just about anything else I’ve dealt with about his addiction. With me, anger and frustration nearly always dissolved into me hollering at him and anyone in the vicinity, resulting in more anger and hurt for all. In a hurting family, that is the last thing you need – hurt compounded upon hurt.

I have learned that there is a big difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are easy. Rules are set and everyone follows. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries help direct your universe when the rules do not apply or are not relevant. My lack of clear boundaries for myself gave me permission and allowed me to justify enabling my son’s drug use. This has probably prolonged his addiction. This is a regret I live with every day.

Boundaries are healthy for you and those surrounding you. I cannot change my addict’s behavior by setting rules. Any success for me in dealing with my son’s addiction is a result of setting good boundaries for myself.

I choose where I want to go – I no longer allow my addict to take me where he wishes to go. In a simplistic form, I can make a rule directed at my son that he cannot use drugs in my home. The reality is that he is an active addict; he will use drugs in my home. I will become angry because he violated my rule. I have a right to be angry, right? Did it make anything better or change anything? No, we are still at square one. I am angry that he is using drugs in my home, and I feel out of control and helpless. He is feeding his addiction. All of this happens because I am trying to control something over which I have no control.

But I can establish a boundary – like this: I do not wish to live in a home were drugs are being used illegally. This actually puts everything on me; there is really no reason to become angry. I now have complete control of the situation and I have several options. I am not trying to control him. I get to decide on the actions in my life.

Boundaries must be set after much calm and reasoned thought. Setting boundaries with my addict in the heat of battle resulted in failure every time. Especially because those “boundaries” (really rules) I thought I was setting were being hollered at him and not being set for me. If you are setting boundaries for yourself and using a calm deliberate approach, success can be more easily achieved and you can control your own actions. That works well with the control freak in me. I set my boundaries to match my values.

To be clear, I do not see boundaries as a solid impenetrable barrier like the Berlin Wall, with heavy life-or-death consequences. I see the boundaries that we set for ourselves more like a rope line. There is a clear demarcation of where we decided we should not go and there is self-imposed security to make sure we know there are consequences for crossing the line. But there may be circumstances that necessitate crossing the line and there may be consequences that you or your loved one has to pay for that crossing.

For example, Mom and I have set a boundary about not visiting in jail because jail is punishment. But, our son is in jail and we went to visit him. Why would we go visit and violate our own boundary? Actually, we went for Mom. Mom had been having bad dreams about Alex and in all of her bad dreams Alex was with all of her dead friends and relatives. She was troubled by this. I’m not sure if she puts much stock in that sort of thing as a premonition or something but she was worried. I just look at it as a dream, but it troubled mom so that troubled me. We visited Alex in jail and the visit calmed her worries and she could once again sleep peacefully. If there are consequences to stepping over our boundary we shall deal with them when and if they arise.

Setting good boundaries for yourself allows you, the loved one of an addict, to bring a measure of control and sanity into a truly insane situation.

Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Taking Care of Yourself, Uncategorized

I really enjoyed your statement of, “I choose where I want to go – I no longer allow my addict to take me where he wishes to go.” That is a priceless statement.

Here’s something to share with your wife, my family does not refer to our son being in “jail” but prefer to call it “protective custody.”

You sound like a very educated parent and one who has a true passion to help other parents’.

I have answered a parent information/resource line for ten years. I have spoken to over 1500 parents who are in crises due to AOD from all over the country. I do it free, it’s confidential and no, I am not paid anything from anyone. I do it out of passion for parents, like me, who are/were in great pain and fear. So if you, or anyone you know wants to join me and other parents just send me an email at edmondparents@aol.com and I will email you some info.

Ron, this is good advise and very helpful. I will share this with my husband. My son (16) is now in a rehab and will be home soon. We have had rule/boundery issues in the past where we do not allow drugs in our home and the rules were broken and any boundery that we seem to have set, he would find a way to cross the line. I hope that when he returns this will be different and he will be more respectful, however I need some ideas/suggestions on what to do if he starts crossing them again.

i wish i could give a suggestion ,but the best i can say is that you and your husband decide on things that you can live with. would you both be able to say “if you cross this line, we will make it so you cannot drive? or some other consequence. Try and keep personal boundries within reason. Addiction is more than poor choices. Will your son continue to go to meetings? will he come back to anything that could keep him busy?
my heart goes out to you both.
from a mother of an adult drug addicted daughter whos child we watch/lives with us.

Many thanks to Ron for this and your other posts. I will keep reading. This post really speaks to where I’m at now, as one of the millions of mothers (and fathers, most likely) who cannot sleep… thank you for understanding that “Mom” needed to see with her own eyes that your son was “still there.” Also to the comment from emmy above, as to the car keys. Our daughter has put me to thinking on that: why have we NOT taken away keys to what is legally my vehicle? I always thought - he doesn’t need my car to meet his friends and party… he does need a car for school, work, or going to meetings… but I’m realizing that I need to be open to realistic consequences and interventions that have a true, practical effect, not just hot air!

what a great idea; “I no longer allow my addict to take me where he wants to go.” I can’t believe how many times I waited with a coat on, sitting in the chair in the living room for my addict to tell me where she wanted to go. I’d get frustrated and start steaming because I had other things to do. She would pick up on my irritation and then a fight would ensue. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t considerate of my time! What a fool I was to think she was even aware that I HAD time.

Now I go places when I want - movies or plays or shopping - and I don’t ask her if she wants to go. It saves both of us lots of grief and makes life more enjoyable for me. Addicts are very selfish. If you wait for them to decide where they want to go, they can be surprised sometimes to find you’ve already left! And if she is going somewhere to meet up with a dealer, the last place you want to be is sitting in a car waiting for her.

The more he feels rejected, and is rejected, by you, the more likely he is to continue his addiction.

Punishing your son for being in jail and an addict, by withdrawing your affection, and refusing to acknowledge his existence, is the ultimate rejection. Parental rejection is a form of abuse that leads to drug addiction.

Refusing to see your son in jail, as punishment, is not a boundary. It is a rule: Punish the addict.

It is helpful to set boundaries with some amount of reasonable consideration that there might arise circumstances along the journey that require adjustments in expectation and action.

It may become necessary to contemplate these adjustments so to remain consistant with the kind of support deemed necessary, in each individual case, toward the goal of continued learning, advances in coping and increasing family system growth for all involved in the process of addiction recovery.
The decision making required with regard to the substance dependency of a loved one is beyond difficult, a great deal of the time.Discernments are best made on a case by case basis by parents who are consistently committed to doing their best to do the next right thing. We should all give ourselves, and fellow parents, credit for that kind of dedication, even if some folks don’t approve of our response to our addicted child’s behavior or the consequences of their choices. It is really not up to anyone else to judge the determinations of what action we take, as parents, in regard to our loved ones addiction and the consequences of their choices associated with their dependency. On that subject of decion making…there is no way, considering the degree of difficulty existing with the process of addiction,(a difficulty that only a parent of an addicted child can truly appreciate), that we will as parents do all the right things at all the right times. But we continue to try, don’t we.

Reasonable, firm boundaries certainly help to provide a some sense of security and some amount of predictability pertaining to a condition that is anything but predictable.

It’s always a good idea to bring on board a mechanism of support, such as a phsychotherapist, or other licensed professional who specializes in addiction and/or co-occuring disorders whenever it’s possible for the family to choose that resource.
In addition, utilizing resources such as the Partnership website, or other quality websites designed to educate about drug abuse, substance use disorder and mental health issues increases knowledge about addiction, prevention and early intervention. All of these tools work in concert to help families in the journey toward sustainable recovery and well being.

Your children are blessed that you show such dedication to becoming increasingly healthy in the process by engaging healthy dialogue centered on recovery efforts.

Addiction is the journey. Recovery is the destination. Godspeed in your travels…

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