Help Your Child by Overcoming Your Shame | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Denial, Recovery, Taking Care of Yourself:

Help Your Child by Overcoming Your Shame

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

When you first discover that your child is addicted to drugs your heart breaks and your stomach churns. What is happening, what did we do wrong?

Our reaction is very personal. As parents we take immediate ownership of this situation. We refuse to see this problem as it is, an addiction. We make excuses, we develop stories and, of course, we make plans to immediately correct this problem; all in an effort to control the situation. We look for someone to blame. Little do we know that this is an issue unlike anything we have ever experienced.

Addiction is not an accepted illness for many in our society uneducated about this disease. For too many people addiction continues to carry the stigma of a weakness of character. As parents of an addict not exposed to addiction we carried that stigma along with the guilt of our own questionable parenting skills. We cling to the belief that if our child would only make a choice not to use again; then this nightmare would be over and everything could go back to normal.

Parenting an addict is not something that is to be done alone. It is not something that should be done alone. This is a disease that touches all of those that love an addict or even casually come in contact with an addict.

As parents we hid what was going on with our son. We wallowed in self pity. We searched the internet for solutions, we read books and articles, no matter how much we searched and tried nothing seemed to work. Our son continued to use and we experienced more stress and more shame.

Finally in desperation it is off to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It’s nearly impossible to say the word. As parents, we stumble, we hedge, we mutter, my son uses drugs. ADDICT: what makes it so hard to say, what makes it so hard to admit? As long as addiction carries a stigma of shame the healing for this disease will not begin for either the addict or the loved one of the addict.

My son is an addict. This statement is freedom but it is not free. To make this statement there is tears, there is heartache and there is a realization that my son is afflicted with a disease in which to date there is no cure.

By opening your life and admission to others you allow others to help you and your child. Something I have found to be absolutely true; those people that love you before your admission will continue to love you when you are able to open yourself up for help. In fact, by opening up I have found wonderful friends struggling with the same issue. Without their support and the support of our family I know we would not be in the position we are in today with our son.

The fact is, if we as individuals and even as a nation continue to treat addiction as our “dirty little secret” and not recognizie it as what it truly is, then we will forever struggle to provide the treatment an addict needs for his or her disease.

My name is Ron and my son is an addict.

Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Denial, Recovery, Taking Care of Yourself

Well written, Ron! You’ve articulated nearly every emotion and hurdle I (and many others) have experienced as the parent of an alcoholic. There is comfort knowing others like you have shared this journey and come out stronger. You’ve captured the power of acceptance and provided a much needed call two action in your last two paragraphs.

My question is: If addiction is a disease and if talking to educating our children about drugs does not keep them from tying them (obviously it doesn’t, or we would not have a need for this discussion) then HOW do we keep our kids that have the disease of addiction away from the drugs?

In my mind it has to start with the easy accesibility to drugs. If they can’t get their hands on them, they can’t use them. That means pharmacuteical companies and our goverments have a lot to do with the problem which is probably why it has not been solved.

But maybe if enough of their children OD on Oxy, Heroin or other readily available Keller drugs, they will take notice.

If this sounds bitter and angry, that’s because I am both. I am not blaming my son’s addiction on anyone (including myself) but if he couldn’t drive to a certain area 24 hours a day, 365 a year and buy whatever he wanted, maybe he would have stood a chance against addiction. Why are the drug dealers still dealing while the addicts sit in jail or in the morgue?

P.S. I support this organization and don’t mean to negate the work they are doing in any way. It just frustrates me that “talking about it” is such a huge focus when in so many cases, it does not stop a child/teen from using. It takes only one time with an opitate to get addicted. My son is proof of that.

well written..
as an addict in recovery and a parent/foster parent it gave me a jump on prevention.

i was one of those parents that searched rooms of all kids, urine tested at first suspicion. kept track of all friends. allowed my house to be the hang out to be able to know all who interact with my kids.

bottom line, one kid out of a dozen had a short lived problem at a young teen age. i offered to goto meetings with him. still drug test all kids.

you are loved
Brother Frankie
i would rather be hated by my kids(they dont) than enable them.

Thanks you Ron - yes, the shame keeps us isolated. I too was amazed at the similar stories once I stopped feeling guilty for something I didn’t do…

There are support groups and flower baskets for those whose family member is ill with cancer, or suffering some other “acceptable” disease.

There are wonderful support groups and support sites I have found for this, too.

Thanks for the post.
Shame is such a non-motivator. for me when I go into I think I am doing the right thing…just don’t talk about it, protect myself or the other person…but the reality it eats away at you.
having a place you can share your experiences is a good thing.
What’s that saying? you’re only as sick as your secrets.

Thank you all for your comments. If you are struggling with someone’s addiction please find someone to open up too. Do not be afraid of judgement, be open to compassion.

	Drugfree.org Time To Act!© 2009 Partnership for a Drug-Free AmericaThe Partnership for a Drug-Free America does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. More.