Dealing with Feelings: 5 Ways I Cope with my Young Adult's Drug and Alcohol Addiction

Addiction, Alcohol, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Recovery, Taking Care of Yourself:

Dealing with Feelings: 5 Ways I Cope with My Young Adult’s Drug and Alcohol Addiction

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

What feelings rise up in the hearts of parents when they discover that their beautiful, intelligent child is using drugs or drinking massive amounts of alcohol? What about when they get that first phone call from the police department saying they have your child down at the station…who you thought was in his room sleeping. Or when you find that empty vodka bottle under his bed, or the drugs and paraphernalia hidden in places he thought you would never look.

I know these feelings intimately: fear, anger, guilt, panic, sadness, confusion, disbelief… and that only names a few.

How do you manage these feelings? What do you do with them? Their intensity is huge and seems to take over, making you behave irrationally, illogically, hysterically — or maybe they completely immobilize you as you sink into despair, not knowing what on earth to do about your young adult’s drug and alcohol addiction.

This was so not a part of my plan back when I first carried that beautiful infant into our home. We watched her grow, taught her to ride a bike, read her stories, held her close and loved her freely. How did we get here? What happened?

As the depth of my daughter Hallah’s drug and alcohol use became more and more apparent, my husband and I were devastated. I was riddled with feelings of guilt… How had I failed her? I was so deeply afraid. How far would this go? Why was this happening and what could I do to bring peace and healing to my family?

Over time I have gained some skills that have helped me manage my emotions better. I still have not “arrived” and probably never will, as this is an ever-changing journey. Given the right circumstances I can quickly fall back into old behaviors and habits. The difference now is that I have a set of tools that I can pull out and use to get myself back on track. The life I was living in the beginning of this journey was ruled by anger, fear and frustration. I would throw my authority around as the mom to try to bring order where it felt like there was none.

For the sake of myself, my daughter and the rest of my family I had to figure out how to navigate this rough terrain of drug and alcohol addiction and come out alive and well on the other side with a heart that knew how to give and receive forgiveness and love.

My 5 Best Tools for Coping With My Young Adult’s Drug and Alcohol Addiction:

1. Acceptance
By accepting that our family, our daughter, was in the throes of the disease of addiction and there was no other way out than through, I could get to the business of finding my way. Our life is what it is, filled with joy, skepticism, times of great hope, and also dark times filled with deep sorrow. I had to learn to embrace the process that we had been thrust into.

2. My Support Network of Friends
If you don’t have a support system of even a few people who are familiar with addiction and the recovery process, begin to build one for yourself. I sought the help of a counselor who has walked with me for several years now throughout this journey. Her help has been invaluable. I found new friends, parents like myself, in my local Alanon groups. There are also faith-centered recovery groups such as Celebrate Recovery that are available to those families who prefer a Christian approach. Not being alone and having someone I could call any time of the day or night when I needed a listening ear, was huge. These were trusted people I could be completely honest with without the fear of judgment or gossip. I kept phone numbers with me at all times so I knew that help was always only a phone call away.

3. Daily Readings
Every day I read about life in recovery on the topics of enabling, co-dependence and drug and alcohol addiction, from my daily readers. A daily reader is a small book that has a topic and page for each day of the year to encourage you for that day. I found that I was recovering too from the effects of the disease of addiction that had hit our family. A few of my favorite daily readers are:

• The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

• Courage to Change: One Day At a Time in Alanon II

• The Promise Of A New Day: A Book of Daily Meditations by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

Each brings new hope for each new day. When I am wrestling with a particular emotion or feeling I can look in the back of the book in the index and find all of the pages on what I am feeling. I look those pages up and find new ideas and new ways of managing difficult situations and feelings.

4. “Letting Go and Letting God”
Understanding that there is truly only so much that I can do to save my daughter. Ultimately her recovery is between her and her Higher Power. The vast majority of parents I have spoken to over the years say that it was nothing that they did that saved their child. It was acknowledging that they were powerless over their child’s drug and alcohol addiction that set them free to be able to love their children with healthy boundaries in place. That concept removed a lot of the weight of “finding the right answer, the key” that would save my daughter.

5. Good Self Care
Eating food that is healthy for my body, exercising regularly, seeing the doctor and the dentist when I need to, allowing myself times of solitude when I need them, and making time to continue to do things that I love, things that nourish my soul.

Beginning to understand that my feelings simply are what they are, was a good first step for me. How I manage them is another thing altogether. I have choices and options and resources that can help me to keep my feelings from dominating my life while still fully acknowledging them. I can be gentle with myself and admit that dealing with my daughter’s drug and alcohol addiction is a rough road and I won’t walk it perfectly…but I will most certainly do the best I am capable of, and that is good enough.

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Posted by Annette | Filed under Addiction, Alcohol, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Recovery, Taking Care of Yourself

Thanks for this excellent article. “It is what it is” is probably the hardest concept to internalize. Taking care of yourself is a multi pronged effort as you pointed out.

I have a son (16) using and selling pot. it is devastating to me and the rest of the family and when confronted there is nothing but anger i need help.

I wonder just how many parents you saved today? The guilt and torment that we go through each and every day sometimes becomes unbearable. I forget that I have a husband, two normal wonderful children, and grandhildren to live for.

I heard of Alanon a few weeks ago and attended my first two meetings. One in my new home state and one in the state I grew up in. Two very different meetings but a place that I felt safe to share my story and acquire the tools to survive living with the monster of addiction. I will continue to attend Alanon so that one day I can too feel normal and start to enjoy life again. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you all for your comments. Hi Lou and Barb…thanks for visiting me over here.

Richard I would encourage you to find an Alanon meeting near you and go to at least 6 meetings to give it a fair try. You can find a meeting in your area by going to http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html and clicking their “find a meeting” link. You will find other parents in similar situations and tools to help you navigate this new territory. I pray for courage and good faith to sustain you as you begin your journey.

Lucia, I’m glad that you are going to meetings and learning new ways to live through your heartbreak. Its a tough journey but there did come a point where I realized that I was grateful for the process and all that I was learning along the way. Today despite life not being perfect….I have hope and joy…most of the time. :o)

Thanks for the post.
I love the whole Letting Go and Letting God…and of course my absolute favorite, It is what it is. The second of the two seem to frustrate a number of people I come into contact with, but I remember what is was like when I first started coming around. I was so into trying to control and change things…once i got a handle on why I acted that way it was easier for me to say…it is what it is.

So True.
Learning to understand and accept what one can control, and acceptance of what one cant is essential to getting healthy!

Thank you for taking the time to write this wonderful article. Our family has been dealing with a self-destructive child for many years and over time I have tried to control what I clearly cannot. As difficult a decision as it was my husband and I had to ask our daughter to leave our home as I was beginning to see myself as an enabler. I had once hoped that by giving her a safe, secure environment she would want to become part of it, that never happenend. So now she must navigate her own life her way. We have told her we are here for her when she is ready to admit she has a problem. Now, is a time when I must take care of myself and my 30 year marriage as well as my younger child.

Thank you for the book suggestions. It always helps to have affirmations when one is feeling down.

Thanks so much for the feedback. I have ten years living with my daughter’s addiction. I have attended education meetings for parents at rehabs and Alanon for a few years.
Every now and then, I get into a funk and find myself back to Alanon until it passes. My one biggest fear is that she will not survive this. I just pray that I can handle it.

To Carol, When I read your comments I felt a jolt of pain. I can sooo relate to the fear of my daughter not surviving. I feel helpless at times and I know my daughter is also feeling helpless.

Sometimes I am angry and I have to be careful to not direct that anger at my daughter. I feel afraid that any outburst on my part will just make her addiction worse. This is so ridiculous, but these thoughts go through my head regardless of whether they make any sense.

I no longer feel like it’s something I did wrong. And I no longer feel like it’s my responsibility to fix her. But the fear is very real and never seems to go away.

Thanks for sharing this informative points. As dealing with today’s teenagers is not an easiest things for parents these days, it is always helpful to educate ourselves with latest information on various teens issues.

I have been married for 30 years, have 4 young adult children. 3 out of 4 are doing great. The youngest son of 3 boys, he is turning 23 now has been a struggle all his teenage years. We have tried everything I could possible think of over the years. Therapists, rehab, we lovingly lecture him, never look the other way, we confront him with everything. I followed the advise of his therapist to the letter and that was over 5 years ago and I still am following! The problem only escalates. From pot to alcohol and now to drugs. His prize possessions have disappeared. Anything with any value. His brand new laptop. He works and makes good money and nothing to show for it. He is unreliable when it comes to work though. He skips out out of nowhere. Sometimes he is gone for days. He had ADHD as a child, probably still does but there is not much one can do about that. This is becoming a huge liability in so many ways. I have tried to force him out of the house but he’ll hang around outside like a stray cat. Cops can’t make him leave unless I get a restraining order but that would only bring the police to my house. It’s hard for me to volunteer dramas! But here I am again, I need to get him out. I have to be firm. I love him so much, he was the cutest kid ever. Even now he is smart, funny, handsome. But deviant. My husband and I are so lost it isn’t funny. I have braced myself for anything. I don’t talk to any of my friends anymore because I hate to even talk about this thing. It’s like a plague that I have. I don’t want to share it! I feel so lonely, so isolated. yes I should go to Al anon. I guess I have all the answers. Everything but the one I am really looking for. Oh, did I mention I even tried a hypno therapist for him? That’s the most recent thing. I really have tried everything!

Genia, Welcome. I am so glad that you stopped in and posted. The only way I found help was by seeking it out for myself, by allowing others in. Alanon was a safe place to do that. My “regular” friends often did not understand what I was dealing with.

It sounds like YOU have done everything. In Alanon they taught me the three C’s….I didn’t *cause* it, I can’t *cure* it, and I can’t *control* it…but the fourth C is that I can *contribute* to it.

The missing link for so many parents is the understanding that they can not fix this for their child. If and when their child finds sobriety it will be on their own terms when they are ready. In the mean time begin to take care of yourself. I hope that you would please try Alanon. Make a commitment to go to 6 meetings to give it a fair try before you make a decision if its right for you or not. Once the 6 meetings are up, you never have to go back if you don’t want to. The Alanon journey is all about restoring you to sanity and creating a life with some serenity in it….despite whatever choices your son continues to make. Alanon is not about your son. It is about YOU and saving your own life. Your son will be responsible to save his.

I am praying for you Genia. My heart really goes out to you. I know all of those feelings of desperation very intimately.

I have a 27 year old daughter who is not currently living with me and had drank during college probably more than we were aware, she has a job and her drinking has been getting out of control, four years ago she went in to therapy and that seemed to help but lately the drinking has escalated and around the holidays we had a discussion and she was going to get help and start therapy again well that never happened and now it is getting worse. My husband and I don’t know how to handle this. When we try to talk to her she shuts us out.

I am a single Mother of 3 grown children, my boys are basically fine, but lazy but my youngest, my daughter who is 22 and has an almost 2 year old son, lives with me. She has had alchohol and drug addiction problems since she was 15. Arrested a couple times, DUI, totalled my car but never seems to learn from her mistakes and just doesnt seem to care. I fear telling her to leave because she will take my grandson with her and I fear for his safety. I am at wits end. I know I should Let go and Let God take care of it all. I just feel so much guilt. Her father has no contact with her either, lives far away with a new family of his own.

My beautiful 23 year old daughter is a heroin addict. I tried everything within my power to help her but nothing worked. I finally asked her to leave my home and she is currently in rehab. I am a recovering alcholic so I know what she is going through all too well. I am past the guilt and the shame and accept my powerlessness but the sadness, the all consuming sadness never leaves me. I wanted so much more for her and I’m afraid she will not live to have all the good things in life. I pray, meditate and work my program but somehow I cannot accept the reality of her possible death from her disease. God help me.

If you know someone addicted to those horrible pills please share this poem !!!
I don’t know who wrote this but I found it on facebook. This is so true! It has destoyed so many lifes.
Roxys ; I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, & that’s just the start. I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, & if you need me, remember I’m easily found. I live all around you, in schools & in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, & maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me, you’ll……… see, but if you do, you may never break free. Just try me once & I might let you go, but try me twice, & I’ll own your soul. When I possess you, you’ll steal & you’ll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in my arms. You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad. When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you’ll forget your morals & how you were raised, I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, & parents from kids, I turn people from god, & separate from friends. I’ll take everything from you, your looks & your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side. You’ll give up everything your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone. I’ll take & take, till you have nothing more to give. When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane. I’ll ravish your body; I’ll control your mind. I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed, the voices you’ll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me, But then it’s too late, & you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, & we shall not part. You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, & chose to be bold. You could have said no, & just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I’ll be your master; you will be my slave, I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell…… They have lead so many young lives to the grave wish there was some way to wake them up !!!! My Daughter has an addiction to the little blue pills and they are surely killing her … I pray to God to please help her to see the problem for what it is … she lost her husband 2 years ago to the very same drug !!! She cleaned up with thru withdrawals was clean for a short time and when right back to using !! She claims she is clean but I know better I know when she is high I can see it I can hear it in her voice…. I feel helpless but when I try to talk to her she just screams at me that she is not using that she is clean… just another of her million lies she tells everyone including herself…I want to get her help but she wont admit she has a problem its always I had a problem I am clean ….. BS I know she is using I want to stop worrying about her but she is single mom now with 3 little boys that really need me because of her condition…. at my wits end with her …. tears in my keyboard….

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