7 Truths for Parents of an Addict, A Child with a Drug Addiction

Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Taking Care of Yourself:

7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Years To Learn

Friday, November 6th, 2009

I feel deep empathy toward parents just beginning the terrible journey of their child’s drug addiction — and those facing the turmoil of a next step: rehab, incarceration, dislodging the addict from the family home. These are still open and fresh wounds for my wife and me.

Following are seven hard lessons we’ve learned in our journey, all of which we denied in the beginning. We fought with ourselves and with each other about these things. It didn’t matter who was telling us the truth, we knew better, after all he was our son. We have come to accept these truths and now it is much easier to deal with the heartache and we’ve become more effective helpers for our son/addict.

1. Parents Are Enablers
We love our sons and daughters. We would do anything to remove the pain. Take away the addiction. Smooth the road. We’d give our life if it would help. I once wrote a letter to my son about using drugs. I used the analogy of him standing on the railroad tracks and a train (drugs) is blasting down the tracks and blaring its horn but he hears nothing. I told him it was my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit, that’s what fathers do. I understand now, I was wrong. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks and he would be standing on another set of tracks the next day.

We raised our children the best way we knew how. At some point they made decisions that set them down this path. We can only support them and provide them opportunities to make another decision. This is a hard one. That is why at times sponsors, recovering addicts, police officers, probation officers, corrections officers, pastors, counselors can all do a better job than we can in showing our addict the correct path. That is difficult because no one loves our addict like we do but we cannot do what they need when they need it.

2. I Cannot Fix This
This goes to what I wrote above. This is a problem only our addict can fix. A concept such as this is very hard for me to accept because I try to fix everything. No one is allowed in our addict’s mind except them. They are the only ones that can decide to do something about this. This will not end until they decide to end it. Parents trying to make that decision for them only results in failure and frustration.

3. My Addict Is A Liar
Addicts will say anything to hide their addiction and take any action to mask the problem. I honestly believe at the time they do not even realize they are lying, they just say whatever they think you want to hear. I believe they have motives in this to seek approval and to give us pride. I believe addicts do not like themselves or what they are doing but at some point they can see no door out. Their only mechanism for survival is to seek somekind of approval through lying, even if they know they will be busted. I believe it offers a similar instant gratification as drugs. I think even a smile of approval from a loved one shoots off those chemicals in the brain that gives them a different high, even if it lasts only a couple seconds. When my addict tells me he is not using I really don’t hear it. I tell him often, “My eyes can hear much better than my ears.” Just as we seek evidence of their using, we must seek evidence of their NOT using. Do not rely on faith that they are not using because they told you.

4. My Addict Is A Criminal
Symptoms of this disease include illegal behavior. That is why he is incarcerated. Face up to it, Dad and Mom. He has done things wrong and he must pay the price, as they say, his debt to society. It does no good to bad mouth the police, the judge, the jail, the lawyers they did not put him there. He put himself there. When we see others on TV and in jail we think about how much they deserve to be there but our babies aren’t like them. We can justify and separate the wrongs by misdemeanor and felony but those are legal terms. The long and short of it, my addict has done things that got him put in there and he must pay.

5. Others Don’t Want Them Around
That is OK. He has wronged many people. We are the parents, it’s called unconditional love. It is not wrong for friends, brothers, sisters, grandparents, relatives to have their own feelings and pain about this situation. Some families have great support and no one abandons the addict, some people decide they do not want the trouble of an addict in their life. That is OK. We all get to make the choice and there is no wrong choice, it is just a choice by those people.

6. Life Will Not Be The Same
At 5 years old my son thought he was Michelangelo of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Running around the house with an orange bandanna tied around his head brandishing plastic weapons fighting evil and the bad guys. When we look at our addicts we see that 5 year old and mourn the loss and try anything we can to get them back. My addict is now a 21-year-old man. He is every bit an adult with at times a child’s maturity. But our world recognizes chronological ages, not maturity levels. Parents must do that too. I believe Michelangelo is lost inside of him. Those that are lost sometimes find their way back, but some do not. I can grieve this loss but it will not help him or us to move forward. An addict does not live in the past or the future. An addict lives in the here and now, if you want to help your addict you must live in the same world he does.

7. Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses
Mom works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there you see homeless people with signs and some of them living under the bridges. They are dirty and hungry. They very likely are addicts, alcoholics or suffer from a mental illness. The one common denominator for all of these men and women living alone and homeless is that at some point in their life they had people that loved them. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. They made choices that got them to this point. They can make other choices, and there are people and organizations to help them change. The key is, they must make the decisions. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly but he will do this until it is time for him to change, I cannot change him or those circumstances. It will not help him for me to give him a bed in my home if he continues to live the lifestyle.

Why is This Important?
We struggled mightily against these truths, fought with every ounce of strength. We lost our fight. We have accepted what we wished was not true. My learning is: until you understand the truth you cannot find peace within yourself or really be able to help your addict. Accepting the truth is what allows you to help your addict by helping yourself.

I do not hate my son for using drugs and putting all of us through this pain. I hate the things he does. I hate the lying, the stealing, the using. I love my son very much, I hate his ways. It is perfectly okay to separate the two.

Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Taking Care of Yourself

I can totally agree with your article. All those things, lying, cheating, stealing are because of the drugs and addiction. We need to continue to love them but not enable them. An interventionist and a good drug free rehabilitation center with successful methods is a must in this case.

Ron, thank you so very much for succinctly stating the seven things that parents MUST learn to accept.

We hurt, all of us, and each of us must make decisions that are workable for OUR families, not the families of other addicts.

There is no right or wrong. There are only attempts at survival for the families of addicts.

I may not be a parent, but I am a friend. I’ve been around it all, just fresh out of high school. I’m straight edge, which means I don’t drink, do drugs, or smoke, and have been for life. For parents out there, looking at this; things can be hard to see, realize, and most importantly accept. If your child has a problem with drugs/alcohol, it’s not the end of the world. You need to be there for your child, for the before during and especially after of helping them with their problem. You have to get involved in their lives, know which friends are really friends and which just want to share a bowl with your child. Alone, just you and your child cannot get through such a trying situation. You must work together to get past it and move on. Relapses occur because after rehab or whatever action is taken, there is no followup to keep them on track, even with outpatient and the sort. In the short, you must be the one to find the problem, and the one to initiate helping them, for if they have resorted to drugs/alcohol, they won’t ask for help as they believe they have found it, or are too ashamed to tell you.

Ron, thank you for telling it like it is. I have been counseling families with teens and young adults who use drugs and alcohol, and the toughest thing is helping the parents understand those 7 things. I have seen parents use up most of their resources (time, energy, money) trying to “fix” their child, often short-changing the other children and loved ones in the process, sometimes even sacrificing their own health and well-being.
The real tragedy is that the parents’ “help” cripples the addict and slows or halts recovery. The longer it takes for the parents to decide to stop rescuing, the more the disease advances.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you all for your comments. I feel for the first time, after recognizing these truths and actually internalizing them I am actually able to help my son. Enabling my son and lying to myself only prolonged my pain and possibly his using.

I am an author of 3 books on drugs and addiction and numerous articles both online and in print. But I can honestly say your words touched me. As I read every word I kept saying to myself “yes, yes, he’s so right, he’s telling it like it is.”

The only difference between my story and yours is that we lost the ultimate battle. Our son died of a multiple drug overdose on December 1, 2002. He was a paramedic and an RN and had everything going for him.

Unfortunately, what I call the Addiction Monster, claimed him at the age of 17 and he (and us) spent the next 14 years trying to kill the monster.

Your train analogy is one I’ve used often - I call the train the Addiction Express and the engineer is the Addiction Monster. We do all we can to keep our child off that train but they’re hell bent to hop on board.

Addiction is a horrendous disease - the brain is warped quite often beyond repair. Sometimes the only cure for addiction is death. Our son’s turmoil and despair is over. Sadly, ours endures.

I will continue speaking out about drugs and addiction as long as I live and I hope you will do the same. Your words were powerful.

How is it we are losing so many of our brightest and most talented to this idsease? Our son is actually one of the most intellegent individuals I know but not smart enough to not get addicted.

I’ll keep speaking out. Education is the key for everyone, addicts, loved ones and most of all those that have not been touched by this monster.

I am a mother just recently entering this difficult path. My husband and I are lost when it comes to dealing effectively and rapidly. Thank you for all the info you provide for people like us. We would like to ask you where can we find a good rehab center with successful methods? We must help our daughter immediately.Thank you

My mother just called me and told me about his website after watching a program called “The Doctors.” I am so glad she did. We, too, are struggling with my 21 year old son’s heroin addiction and reading your “8 things I know” really hit home. He was just released from incarceration for violating his probation. He is working, but I know every day is a struggle for him and for us. As a parent, I so want back the son I once knew, but he is gone forever and the most important thing I can do now is keep the rest of our family intact. Thank you for your insight, it helped me immensely.

I too have a 18 year old that is addicted to drug. He just got up and walked away from our home and is now living on the streets. I get phone calls every now from his friends and then letting me know that he is still alive. I printed this article out because I have to remind myself of these facts all the time. We have done everything possible for my son, but he is the one that has to come to the realization that he is a drug addict. I just pray on a daily basis that we do not get a knock on our door….Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece.

I sorry you have your own qualifiers to enter this club known as “Parents of and Addict”. Both of you sound like you have many heartaches and stories to share but you appear to be ready to take the next steps and enter a place with your son’s where you are more healthy. That way at some point you will be stronger to help when the time is right.

Be strong and know that there are many behind you and are there for you when you need it.

Like all the rest of the parents here, I too get caught up in the “once upon a time” when my son was happy riding his Hot Wheel down the street. Now, at 32yo he is in prison for the 2nd time….it seems if he’s out on the street we worry, and when he goes to jail we “know” he’s alive and not on the street. It’s not so much “why” but what we do in response to the reality of drug addiction and relapse is what matters. Maybe?

You have stated the ugly truths for parents or for anyone who’s loved on is an addict. I went through 5 years of meth addiction with my son, and sad to say I made all of the enabling mistakes that a parent makes. Once educated though, I quit enabling him and prayed that he would get busted - to save his life. he did get busted, went to prison and came out almost the son I knew and loved. he has now been clean 2 years and is the son I knew and loved, and still do. I teach meth education in the school systems and to the public and your article is one of the best written and “right on” articvles I have ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your painful truths about your son and know that you are not alone. May God bless you, your wife and your son.

Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I really think it is almost impossible for a parent not deaing with this scourge to gasp that their could be a measure of peace having your own child incarcerated. It is a convoluted truth and peace.

My thoughts are with you both in your sadness of addiction and your joy when they are sober.

I am 59,my son is 38.He has been a drug addict and alcoholic since 15.I sat down at my computer tonight to look up help and support for myself because one more time my Son is messed up and boy do I want to help but I know I can’t do anymore. Everytime he does well I get my hopes up and everytime I am brought back down. I have learned thru the years how to cope with a lot of it. He has been in so many treatment centers and prison and jail I quit counting them. And I will not have him committed anymore. I’ve done it a few times but he didn’t accept what he needed to do after that. I dread the day I get a call he is dead.I understand Cheryl’s comment that sometimes the only cure is death. He has Hepatitus C but that doesn’t stop him. I pray whenever I get a chance and that seems to give me comfort. Thank you for your truths here and everyone’s comments. I’ve cried reading them but I feel like I’ve been with understanding friends.

I am so sorry for your pain. I know what it is like to be a bystander and watch the downward spiral, however not nearly as long as you. It seems so messed up when we watch and can see the hurt and pain our children are experiencing with addiction but we are helpless to intervene.

Your son must want to change, that is the hardest part for us. We want it to happen but cannot impose it, as you know in your efforts. Take care of yourself, another cliche but, “it is what it is.” By taking care of yourself you will be ready to help if the day comes where your son decides that the time is right. A fellow blogger once reminded me that we gave birth to our son, we do not owe them our life too.

Until your adult child wants to change, do absolutely NOTHING. (And never take their word for it but judge on the way they’re living their life.) This is the best advice I can give. The more you do, the more it will hurt them. The less you do, and preferably doing NOTHING, the more it will help them — in more ways you can imagine. I hope everyone will read the book, “Don’t Let Your Kid’s Kill You.” It’s excellent.

I took my daughter’s kids away from her. That’s what you do. You save the babies.

This is a comment directed to parents about some truths from the reverse perspective. I am 19 and have had heavy experimentation with drugs and alcohol and I was never caught. Both my older brothers were addicts at one point and my three closest friends were as well so I do have a valid perspective to share. Here are some things I want you to know:

First, I repeatedly tried to tell my parents of where I was at in life, starting with small mistakes to test their stance. Do not shut down these attempts with anger, retribution and punishment or dismissal but learn to appreciate their honesty to open the lines of communication.

Second is while it’s absolutely true that no one can help your kids but themselves, judgement and intolerance (even directed at the activity rather than the child) will push your children away and possibly towards drugs as they seek to remove the burdens of broken expectations.

Third is that I know that being the parent of an addicted child is hard, in many ways harder than being an addict even. All you want for them to be happy and healthy but they seem bent on self destruction. For addicts everywhere I want to apologize, usually we know the pain we cause and take this pain into ourselves.

The last thing I deem it important to mention is that while addicts do manage to hurt themselves and their situations they are also capable and usually do accomplish things from time to time. Things such as getting a job or a promotion, or just staying clean for even a few days can be a major source of pride for them. Know that a few words of praise for even the smallest things goes miles farther than disapproval for their overall life choices.

We, too, have faced the horrible truth that our son is a drug addict. There are no easy answers. If there were we would all share with each other and our pain would be over. Our son is 31 and been an addict since he was 15. The process has taken a toll on his father and me both mentally and physically. The entire family has rallied so many times. We’ve been through it all, the lying, stealing, jail, detention, hopelessness - and yet he continues on his own journey. I think the hardest thing to understand as a parent is why, after being clean coming out of jail or detention, he makes the decision to start over. It is a choice. I understand that, but I don’t understand why a better life is not more attractive than living in filth and never knowing if it will be his last night - that there will be no more tomorrows - no sun on your face on a brilliant summer day - no Christmas mornings to share with your family - nothing but pain and disappointment. Sometimes I think if I just had the answer to that question I could make some sense out of this. Why pain and suffering and maybe death over life and love and joy.

We struggle with the same questions of “why”. I have come to realize that living in the world of “ought to be” instead of living in the world of “what is” causes me a great deal of uneeded stress. For a long time we beat ourselves up with why. As I begin to understand a little more about addiction I was able to accept that why is a question without an answer that will satisfy any of our questions.

With this disease we as parents atruggle with blame. Who caused this, what did I do, why is this not different. By accepting that this disease afflicted my son I was able to help when help was needed. It’s funny, we have had many in our family with cancer and some died but some didn’t, and many with heart disease with the same result. We didn’t dwell on “why” with these diseases, we just helped the afflicted with life and their treatment. We need to do the same for our children. Then we hope for the best result of treatment.

I am the parent of an 18 year old and 21 years old. I was married to there father whom was an alcoholic and drug addict (i was young and thought i could change him) i divorced my husband due to his abuse and have raisedd my boys on my own, i tried to keep the father figure in there life which was an awful mistake, i can remember on his weekends (i had sole custody) they were all packed and happy to go see there daddy and he would not show, also sometimes he would show inebriated so I refused to let them go. Now I was the bad guy. As they got older the pain has worsened for them, my oldest was going to college and woudl be home throughout the day, his father kept coming to my house after partying all night and crashing on the sofa, he told me and after numerous occassions, i called the cops, what does the father do to my 17 year old? Call him a snitch. Not only have they witnessed the addictions but the mental abuse the extended family sufferes from the addict. Now my youngest whom was always full of life but within the last threee years has changed, caught drinking,smoking pot, and came to me a couple of weeks ago crying saying he is addicted to oxycontin.. My heart broke, I told him we can do rehab, he refused, he did want to go to his pediatrician which he did and confided everything to him, it is a nightmare, he says he is not using but I believe he is still using oxy, he said he only drinks every once in a while and smokes pot to make the detox easier. I told him you cannot supplement one for the other, you need a enviroment where they can help you. He has not taken me up on my advise and my next step is to kick him out, I hate to he is a senior in high school and will graduate in 8 weeks, i am torn but mentally and physically cannot stand by while my entire life has been affected by addicts. I am going to alanon tomorrow for the first time. I believe I need the help to be strong enough to say no more.
it is a true nightmare for anyone who has ever been subjected to an addict, but it is a parents worst dream to see there child take that path

What an excellent article, to the point! Acceptance is the key to all my challenges…
Thank you,

Yours is such a sad story. You and your son need help. I am glad to see you are taking a step towards Alanon. You cannot help him without being strong and this may help. If your son has taken the first step by talking to his pediatrician then maybe he would take the second by visiting a NA group. All you can do is ask. Maybe he can find a group with people close to his age in which he can relate.

It is such a struggle for a parent to watch this and know the consequences yet feel so helpless. I wish you luck on influencing your son in another way.

My son is an drug adict and admitted in rehab centre four months back. He is going to be discharged in next week, after comming back to home he wants to see his old friends badly. His statement is he want tell them How bad is taking drugs.What to do ?

Everyone is different so hate to give a blanket answer but I believe that is not wise for him go to his old friends. Uour son needs a new life and that part of his old life cannot co-exist with his new life.

Ask him to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and discuss his plans with them. Ask him to discuss his plan with his rehab counselor before being released. Ask him to develop a plan with his rehab counselor before he leaves rehab. I would wager that visiting his old friends that use will not be in any of those recommendations or plans.

Just discovering this week that our 30 year old daughter is a cocaine user, I have read with interest your article. I have gathered as much information as I can this week. Ideally, I would like to derail her train. Realistically, I realize, as you say, she can only get help when she is ready to admit she needs it. At this point, I am the bad guy as she vehemently denies her usage or need for help. Thanks for your article to emphasize the journey on which we are to embark. I will print it to use as a “journal” if you will, from which to gain strength and hope she will wake up before she totally destroys herself. Everything you say is said so well!!

i’m the mother of a 30 year old drug addict. my son was hit by a drunk driver when he was 19 and became addicted to pain meds. i have enabled him since then… out of jail, new locations, apts, money…..i knew i could fix it! nothing i have ever done has helped him in any way. i love my son so very much. once again he is in jail and i want to help so bad…..i think the only way i can’t help is not tho have contact with him. my heart breaks everyday……my family is begging me to leave him there before he is in jail for something more serious. i have been to alanon i have read all the books……it took me years to realize I CANT FIX HIM..I STILL WANT TO… IM HIS MOTHER.. I CAN… MY HELP CANT HURT HIM I CAN FIX HIM I ALWAYS TOLD MYSELF.I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERYNIGHT AND NOW I DON’T JUST PRAY FOR HIM I PRAY FOR ME NOT TO BE SO AFFECTED BY IT…….WE THE PARENTS BECOME AS SICK AS THE ADDICTS……..AFTER READING YOUR TRUTHS WHICH BY THE WAY IS THE PERFECT NAME FOR THEM……PLEASE GOD LET MY SON BE ONE OF THE ADDICTS THAT GETS TO THE OTHER SIDE…………

my son is in rehab right now and he gets out next week. He has been living with my father who is 86. I have told him that he will not be returning there but i am afraid that he will behind my back, My father of course is his biggest enabler. any suggestions that i can give to my dad who just wants what is best for his first grandson? I know that my son has been involved in some petty crimes and i am torn if I should turn him in or not.

I feel the hurt that all of you are expressing. My son wanted to come here for CHristmas. But he has been making phone calls to me and my other son that make no sense. Leaving me 61 messages on my cell phone within 1 hr! He spent Thanksgiving in jail. He has spent many other holidays there also. I chose not to go pick him up for CHristmas and ruin our day.My other Son didn’t want him around. He says as much as he has hurt me why do I keep hoping for change. It kept going thru my mind on Christmas and I had to push the guilt feelings away. My stomach does flip flops when I hear from him. Please pray for us and I will do the same for all of you. Thank you.

I’m reading all of this, right now as I’m writing this my son who just turned 16 has been using for 8 months now, started with pot and has gone to caugh syrup, he’s used vicidines and I fear cocain now. He is completely out of control when he is home. Calls me names that are bone chilling. I am married and this is putting my marriage on the rocks. My husband which is his father deals so differently than I, he’s more calmer where I am just a wreck over it, I search, snoop, get in his face, call the police. Am I suppose to take his behavior cuz he’s on drugs?? My husband says I’m too much, I feel he’s lowered his standards because of the drugs and is more about keeping peace. I see my son slowing killing himself, I can’t stand it. I feel so alone…

I understand your turmoil. It’s called unconditional love. Parents know exactly what it is and it is unfair for us to expect others without an addicted child to grasp it. Hope when all seems hopeless, continuing to reach into the fire when we have been burnt time and time agian before is what parents do each day. Recognizing for our addicted children this is not just an unacceptable behavior, this is a life or death struggle with a disease that is fatal if left untreated.

Be strong, as long as your son is living the lifestyle it does not good for you to lift him up if he is continuing to spiral down. Supporting recovery is good, enabling addiction is bad.

I understand your plight so well. What your father is doing is so hard because he is doing what he thinks is right and he is doing it out of love. All of us do what we think will help but this disease has its own way of life and sometimes what we see and do as “normal” reactions only feeds the disease and enables the addiction.

Talk with your father about how incidious this disease is for your son and everyone that touches him. My suggestion is to provide alternatives to your father that actually help your son. My advice is when he leaves rehab he moves into a Clean Living Environment (CLE)such as an Oxford House or some other place. I’m sure the rehab where your son is at can make suggestions concerning places in your area. Many times our addicts need what we cannot provide and this is one of those times.

Ron your seven truths resonates with my experience. I have a 22 year old heroin addict with type 1 diabetes. He has been in and out of jail, hospitals, detox and treatment. I believe he knows he is at the end of his line. If the heroin doesn’t do him in the diabetes will at some point. He’s couch surfing right now, using and saying he wants to do detox again. He dropped by last night. I greeted him with enthusiasm, while holding my boundaries. Despite the ugly addiction. I like seeing him. I’ll qoute you “I do not hate my son for using drugs and putting all of us through this pain. I hate the things he does. I hate the lying, the stealing, the using. I love my son very much”.

During our visit, I commented on some reading I did about heroin addiction. You know son, I said, I hope your serious about going back into the detox unit at Compass Detox (Tucson); after 5 years of opiates, I hear that is about when liver damage shows up…” We talked about his sugar and getting in down as low as possible, since they will send him to ER if it gets to high… Always encouraging him when he indicates he has had enough. It’s a mystery to me why they continue. I watched “Drugstore Cowboy” last night. Whew!!! All I can say is that movie gives little hope to the idea that some deeply affected addicts will find the desire to get clean. Keep up the good work Ron.

I have just read this entire article. I have lived through the years of an addiction of a young son. I too did all the wrong things, I thought if I loved him more, gave him more, allowed more abuse, he would see the light. But there is a saying, “Addicts will not heal by seeing the light,they will heal when they feel the HEAT”. I am now living through and watching my 18 grandson who is in jail, because of his illness. Addiction is a family disease. It effects everyone. My grandson is the son of by now 42 year old, clean and sober son. Healing does come for some who make that decision to become powerless over this baffling and cunning disease. With the help of drug rehab programs for the addicts there is also a program for the family and friends of the people we love, it is called Al-Anon, and Al-Ateen. I found the healing help for myself and the courage to learn how to detach from the person I loved and wanted to safe. And learned to focus on my self, to love myself and still love my son and grandson. We all have an illness, but we are all still worth loving.

Stephanie, If there is an Al-Anon group near you please try going to a meeting once. Like Mary L says they do help you find help for yourself. I am 59 and my Son is 38. I have been living with this disease since my Son was 15. It helps to talk to other people in your same situation. I am praying for you and your family.
My Son also has Hepatitis C and is slowly killing himself. But with everything I have learned thru the years I still love him and put him in God’s hands.
And believe it or not I can have a good nights sleep and find that throughout the day I can concentrate on other things and enjoy the sun and birds and music. There was a time when I couldn’t find joy in anything. It also helps me to read all that Ron has put on his blogs and what others have responded. Please reach out to others in your area you are experiencing the same as you. It will help you.

My daughter is 17. She is using and selling drugs. She is still in high school and I want to turn her in to the police. She is currently living with her dad who totally enables her. He has told me he will not drug test her because it is not necessary since she is doing well. Should I turn her in? My list of allies is thin. I have no leverage and she just lies to me when I try to talk to her. Her older brother was also a drug addict who was sent away at a younger age to treatment successfully. His father protested the whole way and still says it was unnecessary. My son lives safely and soberly across the country. Help me.

Your first question, should I turn her in to the police? The is a very difficult question and one that can only be answered by you. There are real consequences to bringing law enforcement into the picture at this age. At 17 she is still a minor and you have a lot more options about forcing her into treatment as her parent. Once she hits that magic age of 18 your options about forcing her to do anything are out the window without a court order. Use her age to your advantage. As far as turning her in, we turned our son in and it worked out well for him and us. He went to jail and then to prison for 8 months. He came out the other side in a better place and he has 6 weeks clean. I don’t know your location and circumstances but we live in a small community and I went to the sheriff of Leavenworth County, KS for advice assistance. He helped me tremendously, found him to be like a Sheriff Andy Taylor from Mayberry, a wise and reasoned man. But you must weigh your own situation.

Her dad must get on board or he is ultimately willing to enable her death. Untreated addiction is a fatal disease. Somehow the light must turn on for him either through education or experience. Good Luck with that.

This article is so powerful and true - and the perspective that many parents and family members of an addict are searching for.

There are plenty of platitudes out there… The real-life knowledge and common sense are harder to find. Thank you for sharing, and doing it so well.

I just found this article today. My daughter has exhibited everything you are addressing and she is now 29 years old. I have known about her drug addiction for almost 6 years. She started using drugs at 16. Treatment did not work. She relapsed many times. When she was in jail, I did not bail her out. I have been through the ups and downs. For the last 2 years I have not have had any contact with her. This seems to be more her choice than mine. She married again, and had two children, all while on drugs as I know by her actions reported to me by her dad. I hate that she used while pregnant. I don’t know my grandchildren. Her husband hates me (according to her) and does not want her to have any contact with me. I know that she uses to this day and is raising two infants. My heart is breaking at times. I am always anticipating bad news, which is even more scary now since there are two little ones involved, who did not aks for this.

I have become a alcoholic dealing with my son that at the end…………many years of me being their (my only child) he took his life……….

Eight years later, after breaking into gang homes, being on the streets, I have nothing but…………wine. I am destroying myself now. Help

I cannot imagine the pain that you have experienced dealing with your son. You have my sympathy.

If you want help take a step forwrad. There are people out there for you. I don’t know where you are located but go to and Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Call the Salvation Army look for others whose mission it is to help you with your problem. Reach your hand out, there are people willing to help you. You are not alone in this problem.

A first step is to call this national hotline: 1-800-662-4357 where there are people who can help you. It’s a toll-free, confidential number sponsored by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

This is one of the best articles I have read. Thank you for sharing these truths. I need to find my peace and this has helped me in my search. You are a very wise man.

You hit the nail exactly on the head if i didnt know better i would have thought you were talking about my son. He has had a long road with addiction, rehabs, halfway houses & sadly jail & prison time. He is now 25 not a child any longer & we as his family can only hope that he has decided to turn his life around as his time to be released from prison is weeks away after 3 long years. Yes we have been supporting him emotionally & with prayers along the way as our love for him will never die. How very sad to be a mother & not know how to help or make it all better as we did when they were children….

wow..this was exactly what i needed to read today..
My son also a drug addict,alcholic, gambler,bully and liar
has just been removed from my house. hopfully i will be strong enough to say no nomore when he once again knocks on my door. thanks for sharing

My wife’s teenage son has just started showing visible signs of interest in drug use, although when I say visible signs, I mean discussing taking drugs with people online, and accessing pages related to drug use, which concerns me.

What concerns me most is I don’t know how long this unhealthy habit has been of interest to him, although it may or may not have something to do with his recent club-going.

Unfortunately, it is hard for me to know what to believe, although my eyes are fully open to the dangers.

I’m not sure how my partner feels but basically it seems like my natural concerns for her ‘boy’ are speedily getting me into hot waters.

I am wise to the ways of the errant and the honest mistakes of the unwitting and even the less-than-clever ways of the fool, but what I am at odds with most is the uncertainties relating to deceitfulness and ability to trust.

when I read that your son used to be Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutuant Ninja Turtles I cried. My daughter is also 21 years old. She was once a Ninja Turtle too. And I want desperately to see that perfect little girl inside the adult. I think this is the most painful emotion of all. I brought a child into the world and thought it was my responsibility to help that child be the best person she could be. And when she damages her body and her mind it feels like she’s destroying the beautiful child she once was.

Mom will live in a world of denial as long as she is allowed by her son. I know this for a fact, we lived in that world of denial for sooooo looong.

My phrase is, “My eyes can hear much better than my ears” Believe the signs not the excuse proffered by her son. By the time our son was checking our drug company websites he was in trouble.

Mom will deny, she will get angry, and this will only allow her son to go to a bad place. Education is the key. She must learn before she can accept. My life has taught me that adults learn by experience. Provide mom with the opportunity to discover that if the wrong path hasn’t already been taken, the fork in the road is close at hand. Provide her the opportunities and then help her with the resources. If you need, look to my personal blog: http://www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com

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