7 Truths for Parents of an Addict, A Child with a Drug Addiction

Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Taking Care of Yourself:

7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Years To Learn

Friday, November 6th, 2009

I feel deep empathy toward parents just beginning the terrible journey of their child’s drug addiction — and those facing the turmoil of a next step: rehab, incarceration, dislodging the addict from the family home. These are still open and fresh wounds for my wife and me.

Following are seven hard lessons we’ve learned in our journey, all of which we denied in the beginning. We fought with ourselves and with each other about these things. It didn’t matter who was telling us the truth, we knew better, after all he was our son. We have come to accept these truths and now it is much easier to deal with the heartache and we’ve become more effective helpers for our son/addict.

1. Parents Are Enablers
We love our sons and daughters. We would do anything to remove the pain. Take away the addiction. Smooth the road. We’d give our life if it would help. I once wrote a letter to my son about using drugs. I used the analogy of him standing on the railroad tracks and a train (drugs) is blasting down the tracks and blaring its horn but he hears nothing. I told him it was my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit, that’s what fathers do. I understand now, I was wrong. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks and he would be standing on another set of tracks the next day.

We raised our children the best way we knew how. At some point they made decisions that set them down this path. We can only support them and provide them opportunities to make another decision. This is a hard one. That is why at times sponsors, recovering addicts, police officers, probation officers, corrections officers, pastors, counselors can all do a better job than we can in showing our addict the correct path. That is difficult because no one loves our addict like we do but we cannot do what they need when they need it.

2. I Cannot Fix This
This goes to what I wrote above. This is a problem only our addict can fix. A concept such as this is very hard for me to accept because I try to fix everything. No one is allowed in our addict’s mind except them. They are the only ones that can decide to do something about this. This will not end until they decide to end it. Parents trying to make that decision for them only results in failure and frustration.

3. My Addict Is A Liar
Addicts will say anything to hide their addiction and take any action to mask the problem. I honestly believe at the time they do not even realize they are lying, they just say whatever they think you want to hear. I believe they have motives in this to seek approval and to give us pride. I believe addicts do not like themselves or what they are doing but at some point they can see no door out. Their only mechanism for survival is to seek somekind of approval through lying, even if they know they will be busted. I believe it offers a similar instant gratification as drugs. I think even a smile of approval from a loved one shoots off those chemicals in the brain that gives them a different high, even if it lasts only a couple seconds. When my addict tells me he is not using I really don’t hear it. I tell him often, “My eyes can hear much better than my ears.” Just as we seek evidence of their using, we must seek evidence of their NOT using. Do not rely on faith that they are not using because they told you.

4. My Addict Is A Criminal
Symptoms of this disease include illegal behavior. That is why he is incarcerated. Face up to it, Dad and Mom. He has done things wrong and he must pay the price, as they say, his debt to society. It does no good to bad mouth the police, the judge, the jail, the lawyers they did not put him there. He put himself there. When we see others on TV and in jail we think about how much they deserve to be there but our babies aren’t like them. We can justify and separate the wrongs by misdemeanor and felony but those are legal terms. The long and short of it, my addict has done things that got him put in there and he must pay.

5. Others Don’t Want Them Around
That is OK. He has wronged many people. We are the parents, it’s called unconditional love. It is not wrong for friends, brothers, sisters, grandparents, relatives to have their own feelings and pain about this situation. Some families have great support and no one abandons the addict, some people decide they do not want the trouble of an addict in their life. That is OK. We all get to make the choice and there is no wrong choice, it is just a choice by those people.

6. Life Will Not Be The Same
At 5 years old my son thought he was Michelangelo of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Running around the house with an orange bandanna tied around his head brandishing plastic weapons fighting evil and the bad guys. When we look at our addicts we see that 5 year old and mourn the loss and try anything we can to get them back. My addict is now a 21-year-old man. He is every bit an adult with at times a child’s maturity. But our world recognizes chronological ages, not maturity levels. Parents must do that too. I believe Michelangelo is lost inside of him. Those that are lost sometimes find their way back, but some do not. I can grieve this loss but it will not help him or us to move forward. An addict does not live in the past or the future. An addict lives in the here and now, if you want to help your addict you must live in the same world he does.

7. Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses
Mom works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there you see homeless people with signs and some of them living under the bridges. They are dirty and hungry. They very likely are addicts, alcoholics or suffer from a mental illness. The one common denominator for all of these men and women living alone and homeless is that at some point in their life they had people that loved them. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. They made choices that got them to this point. They can make other choices, and there are people and organizations to help them change. The key is, they must make the decisions. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly but he will do this until it is time for him to change, I cannot change him or those circumstances. It will not help him for me to give him a bed in my home if he continues to live the lifestyle.

Why is This Important?
We struggled mightily against these truths, fought with every ounce of strength. We lost our fight. We have accepted what we wished was not true. My learning is: until you understand the truth you cannot find peace within yourself or really be able to help your addict. Accepting the truth is what allows you to help your addict by helping yourself.

I do not hate my son for using drugs and putting all of us through this pain. I hate the things he does. I hate the lying, the stealing, the using. I love my son very much, I hate his ways. It is perfectly okay to separate the two.

Posted by Ron Grover | Filed under Addiction, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Taking Care of Yourself

I can totally agree with your article. All those things, lying, cheating, stealing are because of the drugs and addiction. We need to continue to love them but not enable them. An interventionist and a good drug free rehabilitation center with successful methods is a must in this case.

Ron, thank you so very much for succinctly stating the seven things that parents MUST learn to accept.

We hurt, all of us, and each of us must make decisions that are workable for OUR families, not the families of other addicts.

There is no right or wrong. There are only attempts at survival for the families of addicts.

I may not be a parent, but I am a friend. I’ve been around it all, just fresh out of high school. I’m straight edge, which means I don’t drink, do drugs, or smoke, and have been for life. For parents out there, looking at this; things can be hard to see, realize, and most importantly accept. If your child has a problem with drugs/alcohol, it’s not the end of the world. You need to be there for your child, for the before during and especially after of helping them with their problem. You have to get involved in their lives, know which friends are really friends and which just want to share a bowl with your child. Alone, just you and your child cannot get through such a trying situation. You must work together to get past it and move on. Relapses occur because after rehab or whatever action is taken, there is no followup to keep them on track, even with outpatient and the sort. In the short, you must be the one to find the problem, and the one to initiate helping them, for if they have resorted to drugs/alcohol, they won’t ask for help as they believe they have found it, or are too ashamed to tell you.

Ron, thank you for telling it like it is. I have been counseling families with teens and young adults who use drugs and alcohol, and the toughest thing is helping the parents understand those 7 things. I have seen parents use up most of their resources (time, energy, money) trying to “fix” their child, often short-changing the other children and loved ones in the process, sometimes even sacrificing their own health and well-being.
The real tragedy is that the parents’ “help” cripples the addict and slows or halts recovery. The longer it takes for the parents to decide to stop rescuing, the more the disease advances.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you all for your comments. I feel for the first time, after recognizing these truths and actually internalizing them I am actually able to help my son. Enabling my son and lying to myself only prolonged my pain and possibly his using.

I am an author of 3 books on drugs and addiction and numerous articles both online and in print. But I can honestly say your words touched me. As I read every word I kept saying to myself “yes, yes, he’s so right, he’s telling it like it is.”

The only difference between my story and yours is that we lost the ultimate battle. Our son died of a multiple drug overdose on December 1, 2002. He was a paramedic and an RN and had everything going for him.

Unfortunately, what I call the Addiction Monster, claimed him at the age of 17 and he (and us) spent the next 14 years trying to kill the monster.

Your train analogy is one I’ve used often - I call the train the Addiction Express and the engineer is the Addiction Monster. We do all we can to keep our child off that train but they’re hell bent to hop on board.

Addiction is a horrendous disease - the brain is warped quite often beyond repair. Sometimes the only cure for addiction is death. Our son’s turmoil and despair is over. Sadly, ours endures.

I will continue speaking out about drugs and addiction as long as I live and I hope you will do the same. Your words were powerful.

How is it we are losing so many of our brightest and most talented to this idsease? Our son is actually one of the most intellegent individuals I know but not smart enough to not get addicted.

I’ll keep speaking out. Education is the key for everyone, addicts, loved ones and most of all those that have not been touched by this monster.

I am a mother just recently entering this difficult path. My husband and I are lost when it comes to dealing effectively and rapidly. Thank you for all the info you provide for people like us. We would like to ask you where can we find a good rehab center with successful methods? We must help our daughter immediately.Thank you

My mother just called me and told me about his website after watching a program called “The Doctors.” I am so glad she did. We, too, are struggling with my 21 year old son’s heroin addiction and reading your “8 things I know” really hit home. He was just released from incarceration for violating his probation. He is working, but I know every day is a struggle for him and for us. As a parent, I so want back the son I once knew, but he is gone forever and the most important thing I can do now is keep the rest of our family intact. Thank you for your insight, it helped me immensely.

I too have a 18 year old that is addicted to drug. He just got up and walked away from our home and is now living on the streets. I get phone calls every now from his friends and then letting me know that he is still alive. I printed this article out because I have to remind myself of these facts all the time. We have done everything possible for my son, but he is the one that has to come to the realization that he is a drug addict. I just pray on a daily basis that we do not get a knock on our door….Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece.

I sorry you have your own qualifiers to enter this club known as “Parents of and Addict”. Both of you sound like you have many heartaches and stories to share but you appear to be ready to take the next steps and enter a place with your son’s where you are more healthy. That way at some point you will be stronger to help when the time is right.

Be strong and know that there are many behind you and are there for you when you need it.

Like all the rest of the parents here, I too get caught up in the “once upon a time” when my son was happy riding his Hot Wheel down the street. Now, at 32yo he is in prison for the 2nd time….it seems if he’s out on the street we worry, and when he goes to jail we “know” he’s alive and not on the street. It’s not so much “why” but what we do in response to the reality of drug addiction and relapse is what matters. Maybe?

You have stated the ugly truths for parents or for anyone who’s loved on is an addict. I went through 5 years of meth addiction with my son, and sad to say I made all of the enabling mistakes that a parent makes. Once educated though, I quit enabling him and prayed that he would get busted - to save his life. he did get busted, went to prison and came out almost the son I knew and loved. he has now been clean 2 years and is the son I knew and loved, and still do. I teach meth education in the school systems and to the public and your article is one of the best written and “right on” articvles I have ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your painful truths about your son and know that you are not alone. May God bless you, your wife and your son.

Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I really think it is almost impossible for a parent not deaing with this scourge to gasp that their could be a measure of peace having your own child incarcerated. It is a convoluted truth and peace.

My thoughts are with you both in your sadness of addiction and your joy when they are sober.

I am 59,my son is 38.He has been a drug addict and alcoholic since 15.I sat down at my computer tonight to look up help and support for myself because one more time my Son is messed up and boy do I want to help but I know I can’t do anymore. Everytime he does well I get my hopes up and everytime I am brought back down. I have learned thru the years how to cope with a lot of it. He has been in so many treatment centers and prison and jail I quit counting them. And I will not have him committed anymore. I’ve done it a few times but he didn’t accept what he needed to do after that. I dread the day I get a call he is dead.I understand Cheryl’s comment that sometimes the only cure is death. He has Hepatitus C but that doesn’t stop him. I pray whenever I get a chance and that seems to give me comfort. Thank you for your truths here and everyone’s comments. I’ve cried reading them but I feel like I’ve been with understanding friends.

I am so sorry for your pain. I know what it is like to be a bystander and watch the downward spiral, however not nearly as long as you. It seems so messed up when we watch and can see the hurt and pain our children are experiencing with addiction but we are helpless to intervene.

Your son must want to change, that is the hardest part for us. We want it to happen but cannot impose it, as you know in your efforts. Take care of yourself, another cliche but, “it is what it is.” By taking care of yourself you will be ready to help if the day comes where your son decides that the time is right. A fellow blogger once reminded me that we gave birth to our son, we do not owe them our life too.

Until your adult child wants to change, do absolutely NOTHING. (And never take their word for it but judge on the way they’re living their life.) This is the best advice I can give. The more you do, the more it will hurt them. The less you do, and preferably doing NOTHING, the more it will help them — in more ways you can imagine. I hope everyone will read the book, “Don’t Let Your Kid’s Kill You.” It’s excellent.

I took my daughter’s kids away from her. That’s what you do. You save the babies.

	Drugfree.org Time To Act!© 2009 Partnership for a Drug-Free AmericaThe Partnership for a Drug-Free America does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. More.