Teenage Drug Abuse: Should Parents Snoop? | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Confronting Teens, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Privacy, Treatment, Warning Signs, snooping:

To Snoop or Not to Snoop: Issues of Trust and Privacy

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

Despite the fact that my son Alex was cutting his sophomore classes and ignoring mounting piles of homework assignments, he readily morphed into a Constitutional scholar right before my very eyes whenever it came to the subject of privacy. He had no aspirations to be a lawyer, but argued like one, vehemently stating that privacy was a basic human right, protected under the auspices of the 9th Amendment. In his pursuit of life, liberty and unfettered drug use, he felt that his room, belongings, computer, and cell phone were off limits to parental scrutiny.

As he was growing up I gave him what I thought was age-appropriate privacy, but once Alex broke the rules of our home by using substances, all bets were off. I was waging an all out war against substance use and I needed as much information about my enemy (drugs) as possible. Not only did it give me a handle on what was going on, but it allowed me to share information with his therapist so that we could determine the appropriate level of intervention – more therapy, an outpatient or inpatient program.

While he was actively using, I found drugs and drug paraphernalia in the most creative places – inside an electric pencil sharpener, under the rug in a corner of the closet, and inside books where pages had been cut out, not to mention clothing pockets and his backpack. Checking Facebook and text messages on his cell phone also proved to be enlightening with messages like “R U puffin 2nite?” Although I did not use computer-monitoring software like eBlaster to track instant messages and email, some parents do this as well.

When I found my postal scales in his room, I immediately suspected that in addition to using, Alex was most likely dealing, a realization that terrified me on so many levels – his escalating drug use, the danger of dealing with drug dealers and the legal implications, to name a few.

I carted everything I had found with us to Alex’s next therapy appointment, placed it on his therapist’s table with a dramatic flourish and said, “What do we do about this?” As recognition flitted across Alex’s face, he blanched while the therapist commented that it didn’t “look good” and he would talk to Alex in more detail while I cooled my heels in the waiting room.

Unfortunately, Alex was masterful at spinning great stories and used his talents to get his therapist to believe that it was all a “big mistake” and everything belonged to a “friend,” although they both agreed it was the product of poor decision-making. The therapist went on to assure me that Alex was not dealing.

As much as I truly wanted to believe him, I had strong doubts and continued to be vigilant. It was not long afterward that another discovery led to Alex’s placement in an outpatient program, and eventually, an inpatient program.

While Alex was in the inpatient program, my husband, younger son and I attended their Family Education Program. When we arrived at the point in the program where the facilitator, Mark, brought up snooping, there was a great deal of giggling over the many imaginative places our teens had chosen to hide their drug stashes, wishing in a unified lament that they would channel their creativity to the good.

One comment Mark made that has stuck with me in this regard is that we could retire our CSI-like skills when our teens returned home. He told us that we would know long beforehand if they had chosen to start using again by their behaviors – a sort of uneasy restlessness, being short-tempered, skipping AA meetings, wanting to see former using friends, etc.

I took Mark’s advice and turned in my decoder ring and trench coat when Alex came home. I could see that Alex was not using and prayed that it would stay that way, noticing the day in ups and downs, but nothing that signaled the return to the pre-rehab nightmare.

The postscript is that Alex will celebrate five years of sobriety on September 27th.

So if I had it to do over again, would I snoop? Most definitely pre-treatment. I think parents need to know what their adolescents are doing in order to to determine the next steps to take. Every time I found something, I imposed consequences in an effort to make Alex’s drug-using life as miserable as I could. I wanted him to reach his bottom with drugs and I would do anything to speed up the process. And I would encourage any parent faced with a teenager using drugs to do the same.

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Posted by Pat Aussem | Filed under Confronting Teens, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Privacy, Treatment, Warning Signs, snooping

LOL… Not snooping never crossed my mind. i am like the DEA..i am also an addict in recovery for twenty years.

my kids bitched and moaned. but it was a part of life. their friends i think are jealous as my kids have a parent who cares. (i searched my kids friends book bags too when they visited… yes, i am that bad. but we are a loving family )

A few weeks ago, a very reliable source informed me that my daughter’s boyfriend had been smoking marijuana in my home while I was at work, daily. I immediatly confronted him, and my daughter. He admitted it, and I was very clear that it was the furthest thing from acceptable. I do not allow anyone to even smoke cigarettes in my home. I told both of them that if I ever found them to have drugs in my home they would not be welcome there anymore. (they are both 18) The next day, I asked both of them if I would find anything in the house if I “investigated” further and of course was told “No.” Well, I snooped. I found stuff…things I had no clue about, as I am probably the most naive parent in the world. I called one of my siblings, and he told me what the items were. I also looked in their vehicle, bingo! I found a “half full vile” of Lidocaine. ??????????? Again, I had no idea what in the world this could be used as. I work in the medical field, so I knew what it was, but why they would have it? Clueless. I went to the library, researced it, and immediately called my local police dept. The Lidocaine is a form of Ketamine, an anesthetic, which teenagers are using as a club drug called “Special K.” They contacted the Narcotics division. It is a Federal crime to have a vile of that medication, which was more than likely illegally obtained. Things were becoming serious. I was scared, nervous,upset, and furious. While I was on the phone, my daughter and her boyfriend walked in, and I strongly suspected they were under the influence of something. They were stopping in so my daughter could change clothes and they had to be somewhere shortly so they had to leave soon. I took my phone conversation outside, and informed the Narcotics officier that I believed them to have been using, and they had a bag with them which I believed contained drugs. They sent an unmarked car right away. My daughter and her boyfriend were leaving. My daughters boyfriend was driving, and got pulled over a few miles from my home. The Narcotics officers found much paraphanalia, marijuana, and more Lidocaine. He was arrested, my daughter was released. She called me to pick her up. While that was all happening, I snooped through her room again, and now found more “stuff.” Baggies with candy looking cubes of different colors, alcohol, pipes, and pills. I put it all in a backpack, put it in my trunk, and went to pick up my daughter. She told me about the arrest, the car was taken, and all the while, continued with her tremendous lying. I told her I would go to the police station to find out what I could. I asked her bold faced, if I went home and went in her room, if I would find anything else in there or my house having to do with any kind of drug, alcohol or illegal anything? Her reply? No, nothing. Lie. I locked her in the car, went into the police department, spoke with the Narcotics officers that had arrested her boyfriend, and informed them of the items in my trunk. They came to the car. She had no idea what I was doing. They told me that because I was the one bringing the items to them, they would have to speak to the Prosecutor to see if the items were admissible, and it would take a few days. The detective went over to my daughters window and wanted to inform her that they would be in contact with her, in regards to “new information,” brought to their attention. I opened the trunk and handed over the bag full of, “stuff.” She looked horrified. I basically turned in my own child, and her boyfriend. Why? I have a five year old son to raise. I do not want those influences around him, and I was told that I was responsible for anything in my home, and could have my son taken from me. Does this make me awful? Crazy? A horrible parent? My daughters answer, “yes.” She wishes nothing but horrible things for me for the rest of my life, and her boyfriend says, “he has lots of surprises for me, that will take my breath away…” Threats? Yes…I now have to file a PPO against both of them. Its been a tough few days. Not even sure how to feel right now. Would I snoop again? Yes………Do I love my daughter. More than I could ever put into words, and she knows it. My brother keeps telling me she will appreciate it and forgive me, someday. My parents did the same to him when he was 18.

As I read your post, I could feel the tears springing up in my eyes. You are so brave to confront your daughter when it would be so easy to look the other way. Your courage may save her life. In a similar situation, one of my friends told me that the only thing that got her daughter’s attention was being arrested — otherwise her daughter, like yours, was on a road to complete self-destruction. The love you have for your daughter leaps from your post — know that it will mend your relationship.

Thank you…I have questioned myself daily if I would do it again. My answer to myself, Yes. I now know that “tough love’” is the hardest to give, but I am confident that one day, Heaven forbid she has to go through this with her child/children, she will understand, if even in the smallest, minute amount. I Love her more than anything in the world. I just keep focusing on the good and her future now, as I wait patiently for that phone call or visit from her…Someday. Thank you again.

Informative discussion. You are so brave to confront your daughter when it would be so easy to look the other way.

I am dealing with a 14 year old daughter on the verge of some horrible stuff. I have been snooping and just tonight found a can used as a pipe/bong, and a water bottle with the label peeled off and a yellow, sweet smelling chemical similar to pine sol in it. By the time she came home her eyes were bloodshot, her and her friend smelled like alcohol, and she IMMEDIATELY discovered my find from her backpack of the bottle and BLEW her lid at me as soon as my visiting friend left, saying she had no respect for me and the bottle of ‘whatever it is’ belonged to so-and-so and I needed to give it back. We had a physical incident this week and now she is threatening to call cops (which I have already done). Things are definitely volatile here…thank you for sharing, I now know what I have to do.

I hope the information is helpful. I had a couple of other thoughts as I read your post. You mentioned that she was with a friend and both were under the influence. You might want to consider “joining forces” with her friend’s parents or at least letting them know what you found. Some parents welcome the discussion and can be allies in confronting the teens.

As or the physical incident, if you sense that either of you are losing your composure, it’s often helpful to take a time out and tell her that you will resume the conversation when cooler heads prevail. Even saying that you need to go to the bathroom can be an escape of you don’t feel comfortable being so direct. 911 is always an option, but sometimes situations can be diffused by removing yourself. Just a thought.

I would be pissed if my mother went through my things. She used to do that sometimes, but she doesn’t anymore. Honestly though, this website has been really helpful. reading the experiences of other people has taught me how to better hide the things I do. I can’t afford to get in trouble. but my mother sleeps through my window opening & even the front door. So far, so good. I’ll stop eventually, of course. It might take getting caught, but that would suck for sure. Snooping is unnecessary. If you don’t care enough to let your kid talk to you about things they’re dealing with then finding their stash isn’t going to fix anything. Just saying. But i’m only 17… what do I know?

Hi Suzette,
Thanks for your post and your perspective on talking to your kid rather than snooping. I get whybyou wouldn’t want to have your mom going through your stuff. I can’t speak for your mom, but in my case I snooper because even though my son and I were talking, he was doing things that would have either led to jail or an overdose. I was terrified for him. It was awful watching him self destruct and I couldn’t just sit on the sidelines and wait for fate to take its course. It’s my job as a parent to set boundaries and get him the level of care that he needed — he just couldn’t see what was happening to him.

I hope you have someone to talk to who cares about what’s going on in your life.
Pat

For the last little while, it has been obvious - at least to me, the veteran of my son’s and former stepsons’ drug involvement - that my current husband’s just 16 year-old son was having problems that indicated he was starting to use drugs.
His grades slide into failing two subjects. He became belligerent and mouthy a lot more. He was openly rude to me. Last week, his mother (with whom he lives half the time) called my husband to say she suspected her son had been smoking marijuana. She didn’t accuse him or confront him : she left that to my husband.
He did talk with the boy who admitted that one of his friends was a user but, as far as I know, denied being one himself. I didn’t buy this for a moment and, after another outburst two days ago, I knew what needed to be done.
There is an ounce of marijuana sitting on the kitchen table right now. The boy hadn’t even bothered to hide it very well and I found it in the first drawer I opened in his room. His father will know about it as soon as he comes in and I will also e-mail his mother.
I know the first response with be to ’shoot the messenger’ but I’ll take the bullet. My life is miserable as it is as the boy is polluting the atmosphere of our marriage anyway. I don’t want to see him go through the same hell my son went through (he emerged as a fine and decent man but his own 21 year-old son is know as “The Pothead” to his father’s distress).
I’m with the parents who are brave enough to confront drug use and who do everything in their power to stop it. The kids are worth it.

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