Enabling means to make able or possible, to give power.  It is a major environmental factor in addiction. Enabling allows the addict to continue in his disease by preventing him from experiencing the negative consequences of his behavior.  Giving in to my daughter Lauren, who had a spiraling addiction, was a recipe for disaster. It mortifies me to think about how I handed out money and gave her rides to be with her drug-dealing boyfriend during her using days. I think the scariest thing about enabling is that most parents don’t even realize they’re doing it — and that was certainly true for me.  I believe my enabling was just another way for me to protect myself while being fed by the lies and deception that Lauren used to hide her using. 

Facing the truth was too hard and I wanted to be able to trust my daughter and give her the freedom that any typical teenager should have.  The problem was that what we were dealing with was anything but “typical.”  

Many times I hear parents say, “But I want my kid to like me.” Dealing with a rebellious teenager is tough enough for most parents; add to that a growing addiction and you are faced with something beyond your control.  Coming from an alcoholic upbringing myself, I struggled at times with codependent tendencies, including weak boundaries and difficulty asserting myself with my kids.  Living with an active addiction in my teen triggered those inclinations.  I was an easy target as my daughter developed into a master manipulator in her quest to acquire the drugs she needed to fuel her addiction. 

Lauren needed professional help for her addiction and I needed help just as badly for my enabling ways around her disease.  One addiction counselor told me that my daughter was not ready to change because she liked her life.  What I didn’t realize was how much I was responsible for providing the comfortable environment in which her disease was thriving.  Once I implemented some “Tough Love” principles and set boundaries with money and rides, and mandated a recovery program for her if she wanted to live in my home, it rocked her world and things started to change.

Many teen substance abusers are able to reach a point where they want to recover because they cannot stand to lose any more of their former privileges. Only when addicted teens are faced with real consequences can they start to make a change.  There is help for parents available in the form of free meetings with other families who are dealing with family addiction. The purpose of these groups is to learn from one another how to stop being codependent and how to end enabling behavior.

Five ways to stop enabling behavior:

1) Attend meetings for families of addicts.
2) Get professional help for yourself.
3) Establish “Tough Love” consequences in your home.
4) Stop providing money and privileges for your substance abuser.
5) Develop a support system with other parents of addicts.