Parenting: Enabling a teen's drug addiction | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Dealing with an Addicted Child, Enabling, Family History, Recovery, Taking Care of Yourself:

The Second Parental Deadly Sin – Enabling

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Enabling means to make able or possible, to give power. It is a major environmental factor in addiction. Enabling allows the addict to continue in his disease by preventing him from experiencing the negative consequences of his behavior. Giving in to my daughter Lauren, who had a spiraling addiction, was a recipe for disaster. It mortifies me to think about how I handed out money and gave her rides to be with her drug-dealing boyfriend during her using days. I think the scariest thing about enabling is that most parents don’t even realize they’re doing it — and that was certainly true for me. I believe my enabling was just another way for me to protect myself while being fed by the lies and deception that Lauren used to hide her using.

Facing the truth was too hard and I wanted to be able to trust my daughter and give her the freedom that any typical teenager should have. The problem was that what we were dealing with was anything but “typical.”

Many times I hear parents say, “But I want my kid to like me.” Dealing with a rebellious teenager is tough enough for most parents; add to that a growing addiction and you are faced with something beyond your control. Coming from an alcoholic upbringing myself, I struggled at times with codependent tendencies, including weak boundaries and difficulty asserting myself with my kids. Living with an active addiction in my teen triggered those inclinations. I was an easy target as my daughter developed into a master manipulator in her quest to acquire the drugs she needed to fuel her addiction.

Lauren needed professional help for her addiction and I needed help just as badly for my enabling ways around her disease. One addiction counselor told me that my daughter was not ready to change because she liked her life. What I didn’t realize was how much I was responsible for providing the comfortable environment in which her disease was thriving. Once I implemented some “Tough Love” principles and set boundaries with money and rides, and mandated a recovery program for her if she wanted to live in my home, it rocked her world and things started to change.

Many teen substance abusers are able to reach a point where they want to recover because they cannot stand to lose any more of their former privileges. Only when addicted teens are faced with real consequences can they start to make a change. There is help for parents available in the form of free meetings with other families who are dealing with family addiction. The purpose of these groups is to learn from one another how to stop being codependent and how to end enabling behavior.

Five ways to stop enabling behavior:

1) Attend meetings for families of addicts.
2) Get professional help for yourself.
3) Establish “Tough Love” consequences in your home.
4) Stop providing money and privileges for your substance abuser.
5) Develop a support system with other parents of addicts.

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Posted by Karen Franklin | Filed under Dealing with an Addicted Child, Enabling, Family History, Recovery, Taking Care of Yourself

This article is very true. As an addictions counselor I often have more trouble dealing with the families who continue to help the youth stay in denial of their problem. I have friends in Al Anon who still help me in dealing with my son (who is addicted). It is very difficult to be honest and allow natural consequences to occur.

In our effort to “love” our children out of addiction, we never realize that we are enabling them to continue to be addicted. We become so addicted to their addiction and so hell bent on fixing them, that we dont see the harm in giving them a few dollars, buying them food, cigarettes or gas. When someone finally tells you, and you get it, that you are putting nails in their coffin, and you stop enabling, you and your child can start to heal. Best advise for a parent of an addicted child: Let go and let God. Been there!

Check out our local website, or go to mamasite.net for more information on methamphetamine addiction.

I loved what was said and it is so true about “putting nails in their coffin”. When I stopped being the “good mom”, it helped raise my daughter’s bottom. The other thing I heard said is that “nothing changes if no one changes”, and that hit me hard. I think I was resentful in the beginning that I had to be the one to change first, but the payoffs were huge in the end. I really didn’t know how messed up “I” was.

Dear Karen, Reading your words made me think, “how did she know all about me??” Other than your daughter being a teen and my daughter is 21, so many of your experiences were like mine. I was so ignorant of the issues of drug addiction that I did everything wrong. I thought I was so smart since I was once married to an addict. But my experiences with my daughter were a real wake-up call for me.

I gave her money because I thought she was buying food or paying for things she needed at school. She was verrrry good at working things to her advantage whether it was accusing me of past deeds to make me feel like I had failed her or telling me that she could get help if I would just help pay for it. It took me a few months to finally put two and two together and come up with four.

Her friends would find fault with me and at first I felt bad. But then, one day, I suddenly said, “I don’t think you understand, I don’t care what your friends think of me.” After I said this I felt rather liberated.

I was recently at an Alanon meeting and a woman there said something that has resonated with me. With tears she said, “If I give him money, he will use drugs. If I DON’T give him money he will use drugs. If I give him a place to stay, he will use drugs. If I DON’T give him a place to stay, he will use drugs. If I tell him I love him and I’m there to help, he will use drugs. If I tell him I’m disappointed in him and he needs to get his life together on his own, he will use drugs.”

Her words have stayed with me. I now know that it won’t matter what I do. It’s up to my daughter to find her way through this. There’s no reason for me to try to punish or cajole or bribe. It won’t change the fact that she’s an addict. I don’t know all the solutions but I’ve learned to take care of myself first.

Hi Susan, You have received an awareness because of your willingness to get help for yourself. Good for you! So many times we just want “them” to change or “stop using drugs” or whatever. I was so surprised when I learned that I had choices. Changed attitudes aid recovery.

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