With our emotional wound still open, our entire family, including my stepdaughter Katherine, began the process of building back the trust we once shared.  This would prove to be rewarding as well as exceptionally painful. 

Sitting, circular fashion in a room with at least 10 other families we openly disclosed our feelings of anger, fear, loneliness, distrust as well as resentment.  “Family Week” had begun and there would be no holding back as we were guided through various discussions with our loved ones.  The building blocks to fostering a new cohesive, trusting and loving family were being tossed around the room while we slowly, and painstakingly, examined the cracks that were created, their affects and how to seal them and move on.

The dynamics within the family are key to opening the doors to change.  When an addiction is present the need it is vital to focus on new ways of coping and “non-enabling” behaviors.  Both patients and family members often rationalize behaviors which creates an environment that hangs around like a thick fog — perpetuating feelings of inadequacies and creating the dysfunctional cycle that is extremely hard to break.

There were at least four general areas of focus that our family concentrated on, which I elaborate on below.  Keep in mind, that although I went through the recovery process with my stepdaughter, I am not a certified authority; I was just a family member trying to recapture and rebuild what was lost.  Every family’s issues will be different, yet similar in many ways.  Issues will surface and may compound as you work on restructuring your family -– it’s not easy.  But having experts, who allowed us to express our emotions and feelings in a controlled, safe and healthy environment, was incredibly instrumental.

1. BLAMING:  DO WE BLAME OURSELVES OR OUR CHILD?

It almost goes without saying that when an addiction is present, family members will find the blame game is alive and well.  We had elements of blaming ourselves as parents and role models, believing that the reason Katherine defied everything we believed in was an attempt to “get back” at us for our wrongdoings. 

At Family Week we opened up the floodgates, allowing ourselves to examine with minute detail (on both sides) where our thinking had been misguided.  We allowed ourselves to express pent up anger, directed not just at Katherine, but at each other and the system that we felt had let us down.  We explored every possible scenario, listened, argued, and confronted in a constructive manner the possibilities that we could be right or wrong thereby opening up to a possible change in thinking.

When an addiction is present there is never one easy answer as to why this disease affects a loved one or family.  Blaming you or a loved one for the disease, situation or place that you and they are in tends to exacerbate the control it has on the potential for recovery.  Getting beyond the trauma and drama starts with letting go of self-sabotaging blaming and feelings of anger so you can move into the stages of acceptance and change.

2. RESCUING (BECAUSE WE FEEL GUILTY)

There were varying degrees in which my husband and I tried to intervene to “save” Katherine from herself and the extremely dangerous situation she was in.  What we had to explore was how those actions were not liberating but actually perpetuating the very deep-rooted dysfunctional dependency with which Katherine was struggling.  We worked through how “Daddy” was always there to pick up the pieces, how everything was done for her and how that affected her sense of entitlement.  The ultimate lesson we took away from this was that well-meaning intentions are often times misguided. 

My husband’s sense of guilt for his divorce, being a part-time dad, etc., gave way to overindulgence and over compensation.  This sheltering mechanism slowly dismantled Katherine’s sense of self-worth.  At some point her ability to believe in herself, and what she was capable of, eroded into an emotionally dependent individual.  We learned to understand and adopt the philosophy that “We seldom help people when we do for them what they should be doing for themselves.”

3. JUDGING

One of the most difficult issues for me to move beyond was judgment.  I had difficulty judging, not only Katherine’s actions, but also everyone and everything I perceived contributed to the downfall.  I needed to learn to look at the emotional scars that had built up, break them down and re-examine the possibility that all was not exactly as it seemed.  The disease of addiction is insidious.  In a very subtle way it begins to slowly erode the individual suffering as well as those connected with her. 

I vacillated between believing Katherine knew exactly what she was doing to herself and her family to the idea that the disease had taken complete control.  Both were true.  Katherine did make a choice, that choice was to experiment with drugs.  Once under the influence, however, her sensibility became so skewed that rational thinking (as a sober individual) was non-existent.  I needed to find the place where I could accept and understand the difference.  I needed to go beyond my limited knowledge of how the disease of addiction worked and into a world of exploration and learning.  By gaining this understanding I was ultimately able to open my eyes, begin my own healing and move into forgiveness.

4. EXAMING MULTI-GENERATIONAL DYSFUNCTION

Another piece to the puzzle that we, as a family, never considered was the role that multi-generational dysfunction could and would play.  We needed to explore the possibility that how we were raised, ways in which we now interacted were directly related to our own upbringing.  This was not to release or create excuses for the situation we found ourselves in, but to gain a better understanding of why we possibly could not move forward. 

I believe that there is an element of dysfunction present in every family, however, because we are products of our environments and upbringings, the likelihood of this dysfunction spilling over is great.  We needed to explore exactly what part any generational dysfunction could or would have played — and to what degree. 

Again, it was a learning process, not to place blame, but to understand the dynamics of how and why we parented the way we did.  When encouraged to look closely and examine our individual roles, it was amazing how clearly a new way of thinking emerged.

Taking a very long, hard look at us while working toward recovery, proved to be a very cathartic experience.  It is only when we become brutally honest that we can move closer toward understanding and acceptance.

In my next entry I will discuss how our family came out the other side into recovery and how we finally let go of the past.