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Alcohol, Cocaine, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Recovery & Relapse:

A Mother’s Love and Hate for Her Addicted Son

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

My son, in his late 20s, is a wonderful young man. He is the kind of son every mother dreams of — caring, loving, always doing the right thing, and he would do everything and anything to help you.

Then without any type of warning, when he drinks and does his drug of choice, there are no boundaries in his life and he becomes a person I don’t even know. Even his facial expression changes and he does not even look like my son. 

My son will work his fool head off to help out.  He’ll go that extra mile just to find that one item on your wish list.  He enjoys all sports but his favorite is NASCAR and he could watch it from morning till night.   He adores his nieces and nephews. He can make you laugh when you’re down or sit and hold your hand when things get rough.  He would love to have a family to call his own, but just can’t seem to find that one person who would love him. 

I watched a beautiful baby boy grow from a sweet innocent bundle of joy to a mischievous little boy.  Doing all the things that little boys do.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that one day a horrible disease would strike this child and turn him in to a monster.

As a teenager I saw changes but thought that it was just typical teenage behavior. But as days and weeks went by the typical turned into worry, and worry to fear, and that fear into desperation.

It began with small things, until the addiction enveloped his entire life.  Then it was all about how to get the money for the drugs; where to get the drugs; and then how to do the drug but not let anyone know you have.

My son has an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. He has no job, no insurance and feels so worthless.

He has become a liar, a thief and a full-blown drug addict. His cocaine addiction began back when he was only 17, his alcohol addiction did not start till he was almost 22.  He had 5 years clean at the time and was doing really well.  But that legal drug, alcohol — and thinking that just one wouldn’t hurt — took him right back to his drug of choice.  It all hits the same part of the brain.  Addiction is a brain disease.

Parents, believe me when I tell you that the roller coaster ride is unbelievable, the pain you endure is unimaginable. Yet the world expects you to go on like nothing has happened.  Families are destroyed, and those who have no clue about the devastation of this disease are always quick to put you down or blame you.

I am and always was a good parent, even without a handbook. I prayed, and did all the right things. I was guided by specialists and really believed in them. I made sure I knew about all the childhood diseases, but no one ever told me about the one that is more silent then others. The one that can take a child’s life from you without you even knowing it — the disease of addiction.  It creeps into your life and destroys your entire family and leaves you with pain loss. 

The pushers and dealers get richer and richer, they get your hard earned cash, your laptops your digital cameras, your jewelry, your family heirlooms — nothing is beyond them. They have no conscience. They don’t care what their junkie brings to them as long as it’s worth something. The addict will bring the dealer a thousand dollar laptop and the dealer will give him two $10 bags in return. And when that addict walks away, the dealer laughs and thinks, what a fool.

Each and every one of these “addicts� deserves the chance at recovery. There are great people in recovery out there working very hard every day to make this world a better place.

I will continue my fight for my child, I will swallow the pain and turn him in, see him in jail if that’s what it takes. I just do not want to bury my child.

I know today what is really meant by a broken heart.

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Posted by Kathleen A. Larsen-Dobbs  |  Filed under Alcohol, Cocaine, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Recovery & Relapse

Kathleen,
You are so strong to admit the love/hate relationship. I also felt this way plus add a lot of anger into the mix for me. As you know, I did bury my child. Now I can only hate the disease and love the memory. Keep up your strength. I don’t know you well but I can see that you have been and are a good Mother and just an overall good person. Thank you for trying to help and make a difference.
With love & respect,
Nancy Joyce
nancy@canuhearme.org

Oh my gosh…. you are citing my story. My son is 31 years old and when I read your story, all of it is so familiar to me. We have told my son he needs help until we are blue in the face. He has overdosed at least three times if not more. He does good for a while and then he goes back to the same old thing, drugs. He is on methadone, but I know that he is abusing it. He takes what he needs to make it and sells the rest for pills. He is not the baby I brought into this world. This disease they call drug addiction is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. I know that he will either end up in jail or I will have to bury him. Until he is ready for help, there is nothing I can do for him. He will have to hit rock bottom, i am afraid and as a mother it is so hard to stand by and watch your child do this to themselves. Kathleen, I have walked your shoes many miles but yet I know there has to be something or someone out there that can help him. I pray every day that the Lord takes care of him and he is in his hands. May God bless us all!

I am starting this process and find your blog very helpful! Thank you for the words that will help me!

O.K., so I have known about my 27 year old son’s drug (heroin) addiction for a year now; came out of the blue, although we knew he was doing some kind of recreational drugs. He has not lived with me for many years, but I took him back home 3 times and it was like living with a stranger. He and his drug and his drug addicted girlfriend live a life I can only imagine. I had him in my home for 2 weeks recently. Lied and stole from me, all the while acting like he wanted to start over. Where my wonderful son went to I don’t know. He wanted to be a teacher and save the world and now he has not worked in a year, and has turned into a drug addicted bum.
Mothers, stay strong – we love our “lost” children, but we cannot let it ruin our families. Be strong for your other children, husband, etc because they need you more than ever. Hope tough love will work with the addict, but do not let the stress of their distress eat you alive. I have learned it the hard way and have chosen to have peace & happiness as best I can despite his problems. And, of course, I will always love him and hope he can make his life better somehow.

Thank you for the little bit of insight you have shared. My son, 20, is now in jail. He is in denial that he needs help. He was diagnosed bipolar but I believe he is addicted to meth or some type of drug that gives you all the symptoms of meth/bipolar behavior. Lying, stealing, won’t work, entitlement issues, aggressive, angry, just walked away from college with 3 weeks left to semester. I had him arrested 10 days ago for stealing jewelry, laptops and phones from our home. It was a horrible scene when he ran from the cops and they drug him out of our woods. He will not allow any one to see him in jail and refuses to get help. I am fearful the drug has got him good and he will do anything for it. Although the experts say he was bipolar, and this may be true, I see a drug addiction as well. I know the two diagnoses are similar but with bipolar you don’t usually be come a criminal unless you are abusing drugs. I am in constant prayer that God keeps me strong so I can show him tough love. I don’t want him to be 25 and we are still dealing with it and if I continue to enable him that’s where we will be. I pray his bottom comes sooner then later and he gets help or gets clean! God is in control~

As a mother of a 25 year old addicted to heroin, I feel the pain. My son was a college student 6 classes away from graduating with a Bachelors degree. In the past year I have watched him go from a responsible loving, logical young man to a college dropout that steals, lies asks complete strangers for money. I am angry at the dealers that supply the drugs. I never dreamed that my loving little boy whose eyes sparkled when he smiled would end up an addict at age 25. I love my son and hate that his life has taken this turn. I know his poor choices got him where he is but I am sure like most young people, his goals in life did not include being an addict.

Oh my gosh…these are my same stories. It is destroying my life. My son is 28 years old and I don’t know how to separate what is happening to him from my happiness. It is destroying our family. I spent my entire life being a mom to my children and don’t know how to let go and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t sleep for the worry. There is anger involved, too. I don’t know what to say to him or to do for him any more. On the one hand, I want to see him to make sure the he is alright but when I see him I don’t know how to control my feelings of sadness and disappontment. Does this make me a bad mother? I never realized how much my happiness was attached to how well my children were doing? How do I separate myself from that?

I feel each and everyone of you guys pain. I have a 23 year son with an addictive personality. The doctor’s say he is bi-polar also. He has been in and out of psych wards and rehabs since he was 17 years old. Overdosed several times. His latest drugs of choice have been weed and robitussin, i hate that crap! it should be illegal to sale. We have tried everything, taking things away, talking, crying, begging, praying, ignoring…what to do?? My 27 year old female cousin died last night, christmas night, of an overdose, she leaves behind 3 small children…Bless you all

I have a 20 year old son who is currently in rehab out of state. He is due to come home on January 9th, Yesterday he asked me if he could spend the night there and then come home on the 10th, Why would he want to do this except to have a last use? He met some bad boys in rehab who life in Florida and gravitated to them. I think he probably has plans to meet with them after he gets out. I let his therapist know that he said these things to me and we will hopefully nip these thoughts in the bud. Now I’m afraid that he is not sincere in his recovery, He is addicted to heroin and alcohol and I think he feels that he can still drink in moderation. I’m going to my second alanon meeting tonight, I need to stay strong for my husband and two daughters. I’m so angry and disappointed right now, We don’t have the money to keep sending him to rehab (this is his 2nd), He also was in a halfway house for 45 days but relapsed (with booze) twice. I’m really scared, Any suggestions?

I have been crying all day. Which is tough to do at work. I have a 20 yr old son, prescription med addict, xanax’s, and lord knows what else. He is my only child. He has been in and out of the court system for the past few yrs and he got out this last time in September. He had all the good intentions, he can be a loving, gentle kid…but yesterday he called me and told me had went back to using and had stolen all the money out of the Christmas cards at his fathers home. He sealed the envelopes back and he didn’t know how to tell his father. I just brock down. This is so painful that I think I am going to die. Why couldn’t God just take me and leave him alone???? He’s run away now, cause he is ashamed. I don’t know if he is ok. Jail would be a relief. It’s like a part of me has died and there is nothing but sadness. I can’t imagine feeling this way forever. I can’t. I must let go like you all have said. Separate myself. It’s just so hard. Thank you, I know i am not alone.

I am a mother of a beautiful 25 yr old daughter (only child) who is addicted to crack and I do not know what else. My daughter is a massage therapist and a mother. My daughter has left her child, has lived on the streets for months nothing is more important than her addiction. My daughter has spent time in jail once for 18 days and then the next month 28 days. I do not believe that I have ever felt such hopelessness. I have attempted to intervene and not to enable her. It is so hard to help someone when they do not see or want to admit that their is a problem or maybe just does not want to stop using. I took her to a court ordered substance abuse evaluation and a intake mtg to rehab ctr. on Dec.23, of which I am sure that she sugar coated. No one ever once asked me any questions at either of these mtgs. I’m quite sure that is the way she wanted it also. Only now to sit and wait for an individual treatment plan for her. Only to pray that nothing happens to her while they attempt to create this plan or referral for inpatient. My life is greatly affected by my daughters absence. I miss my daughter. My life is not whole without her in it.

I read your notes with tears running down my face; knowing that I could have written so much of it. My daughter is 20 yrs old, and showed up 4 hrs late on Christmas Eve, high on something, I am guessing hydrocodone or oxycodone. That was it, the moment that I really started the process of letting go. It is so hard. I am an RN. I heal people. But, I cannot heal my own daughter. Your notes help me. I am not alone. It isn’t my fault. All we can do is let go and find happiness everyday. Live. Laugh. Love.

You totally described my son, and I buried him of a methadone overdose 5 yrs ago this Oct. His Dr. was mailing him 90 Methadone pills a month..even after I begged him to stop! My son was 36, and left behind a young daughter.
Until SOMEone alerts the media about Doctors being worse “drug dealers” than the “illegal dealers”, and until something is done….there will be many many more addicts buried!

I was just surfing the net looking for suggestions of what I might write to my 21 year old son who is incarcerated and in the facilities “drug rehab” program. I came across this website and read your comments and wondered how many mothers are there like us??? It’s heartbreaking to find I have so much “company”…

When I visited him last weekend he told me he will never stop using, and that he wishes he had chosen regular jail over the treatment program. He has been using since he was 14, was in the State Prison for 18 months (age 19 to 20 1/2). And still doesn’t see a connection between his choice to use drugs and alcohol, and the “state” of his life.

A year out of prison and still on parole, he discovered meth. (previously he smoked pot and occasionally drank alcohol) In just a matter of a few weeks he lost everything. The business he was building with my father, (his job AND his future), his vehicle (company truck), his income (no unemployment for former owners who are voted out…) his girlfriend, his grandparents (who ended up moving out of state out of fear of his anger over being dismissed from the family business…)

I feel terrible because I can’t think of a single thing to tell him that will make him feel better. He doesn’t want to hear that any of this was caused by his own poor choices.. as he fumes with rage at everyone else who ruined HIS life… He says he can’t imagine that life would be worth living knowing he could never smoke a joint or drink a cold beer again…

As someone who doesn’t drink, smoke, or use anything stronger than tylenol… I just can’t relate to this point of view. I know he’s hurting inside.. (abandoned by his father, and I know that he longs for friends (he lost the good ones when he started using, and now can only attract other addicts for friends…) and the fun of being a young adult… instead of being a young adult on parole with 3 felony convictions, none of which were HIS fault, little education, and in debt from his gambling, and substance use.

How do you support your child when his goals are to continue down the path of destruction? He tells me he’s sick of seeing me because I’m so down and depressed… He only wants $$ from me, and sympathy. I refuse to give him $$, so he shuts me out.

I don’t know how to help him, and I feel guilty for the anger and resentment I feels towards him for disrespecting me (and my values) and chosing a path that will evetually tear us completely apart. I understand now why there are so few family members in the group treatment sessions… I wonder how long it takes before families just give up?

I feel more peaceful and am so thankful to God knowing now that I am not alone. I came across this site and cried with all of you, as we’re all brave parents sharing our stories about our beloved children who have made some wrong choices in life. Please friends (for our drug addicted children)DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE, NOR LOOSE HEART. The God we’re praying to understands our pain more than anyone else. We must not be guilty and blame ourselves upon the wrong choices our children made. If we had brought them in God’s ways and discipline them righteously while they were young, then God is pleased that we had done our duties as christian parents. Now we cannot break them from their own wrong turns, but God alone, because they are His children – they’re not ours though they are rebellious, it’s God’s work now transform them. All we can do is to accept the life they choose to live and keep loving them as they are, until we see the light of Christ will bring them back home (to GOD and us). Let go, and let God takes control, not only the lives of our lost children but for ourselves too to find His Peace in our hearts and stay strong. Lets trust the Lord through our daily prayers, focus to Him and not upon the lost child … Rejoice in the Lord and be thankful for our pain which makes us grow more stronger for each member of our families (include our lost/drug addicted child). Hurting Friends, you will be remembered in my prayers too. For Christ’s Sake!

My heart goes out to every mom and family who is going through this diabolical curse of addiction. I too, suffer with my 32 yr. old son’s crack addiction. Needless to say, the lying and stealing from their own family is cause for despair, anger, sadness and shame. Letting go and letting God has not been easy. My concern and advise has been rebuffed and his path of destruction hurts everyone that loves him. They turn into demons, enraged with words that put a knife through my heart. It is not him, but his sick personality distorted by drugs. May God give all the mothers the faith and strength to carry on and never give up your prayers for your lost sons or daughters.

I have a 28 y/o supposedly recovered heroin addicted daughter, who came to live with me from rehab. last July. She really seemed like this was the time she’d make it. As things didn’t go her way, like getting a job. things began to go down. She suffers from depression too, and my husband and I found my jewelry missing. She finally confessed. She’s on probation and we tried to get her help. Her probation officer said she needs to get back into treatment then sober living, so we started looking. In the mean time she stole more and is now on the run because the detective who’s on the case wanted to interview her. She listens to so called friends before us..She says non of her friends parents would ever turn them in. No matter how much we tell her it’s to get her more help, the faster she runs. Now I don’t know where she is, if she’s clean and I’m slowly dieing inside. She’s done this to everyone in the family. I love her and want to help her but can’t. Someone told me that I need to get out of God’s way so He can work on her. Was I wrong to call the probation officer???

Hello everyone and thank you for sharing as I can draw strength and encouragement (especially from Tali) My son is 23 years old raised to have a relationship with God and I too must learn to let go and stay out of Gods way, if anyone has any words for me please tell me because I need help to do this (alanon hasn’t really helped me, believe me I did my best for it to embrace it) I seem to be at the worst of it now as he can;t go much longer the way he is going, by that I mean getting his 3rd dui only having his lincense back for 12 days, not working but has unempl. because he has a solid work hisory. He never drank a little bit but just downs bottles of striat alcolhal by himself, drives all over the place plays poker at casinos and has had many near death hospitalizations from drinking. I finally text messaged him that i have changed and I am not going to let him do this to me (health conditions gets worse as I have m.s. and husband has real high blood press) he has had conversations with bad voices in his head ( and soo much more unable to write) He is next door where drugs and alcohal are daily lifestyles and I’m trying to brace myself for what comes next as you can see my delima I need to let go Help Help Help!!!

I know the feeling of pain in your heart. It felt like a knife cutting it. And then it would heal but when he relapsed again the cut that was there would open up and I would have to heal again. But now I don’t have that sharp pain anymore. I have realized thru prayer and a lot of reading and advice that I can’t get my old hopes up only to be let down. I have hopes of a different kind now. I pray that God will keep my son in His hands and help him to feel His love and give him strength to see that he is a good person and that he is loved so much. I feel relieved that I have given my son to God knowing I can’t try to do it anymore. I have apoligized to my son for all the times I have tried to help him only enabling him more. I told him that only prolonged his disease and mine for thinking I could make a difference. It is a hard fight and I pray that all of you can soon feel relief and peace.

How my heart hurts as I read this article…I had that very same son…loving, handsome. well educated,…the pride of his mom til Sept 13 2009 when his fiance found him dead….the joy of my life, my every breath, my only child taken….from drug and alcohol abuse at age 33….what a rollercoaster love hate relationship …I am not certain how I will ever recover from this

My heart hurts for every mom that is dealing with an addicted child. My 24 year old son is addicted to meth. He is facing serious charges and prison time. His addition has financially ruined me through stolen credit cards, attorney fees, ect. I am raising his son and he currently has a son who was born premature and in ICU. I don’t think I have the energy to raise it also. I pray and believe but somedays I feel as if I can’t go on anymore. I wish there could be just a small break to gain my strenght back. I tried to be the best mom possible, taking my children to church ect. I feel guiltly about the addiction, why didn’t I see it sooner, why can’t I save my child. I am angered addiction has stolen my child. He was introduced to the drug by my nephew at my brothers home when he was only 13. I thought my brothers home was safe. I am just so angry. My heart goes out to you all.

I have a 19 year old son who turned 19 on Feb. 23rd. I am expecting a call today from his primary therapist in the 30 day in patient program that he entered last Friday. The last four months have been a blurr. His father passed away when he was 15 of a cocaine overdose. We were divorced and I was totally unaware that he was using or abusing drugs. I tried everything I could to get my son to go to counseling, but he absolutely refused. I thought that I could get him through this period with enouch love and support. I put him into a private school closer to my home. He trived and was a great kid, never broke curfew, had great friends, lived a transparent life that was free of drugs and alcohol.

Chris only stayed in touch with his best friend whose girlfriend got pregnant just after his friend turned 18. Chris saw and spoke with his best friend very infreqently because he was busy with his new friends and school. His friend approached my husband and I asking for a job. We hired him, we help him get into an apartment, furnished his apartment, nursery and purchased any and everything he would need for the baby so he could get a good start. He was very young and made many stupid financial decisions. His mother and I both helped him. Little did we know that this kid was going out every night partying with his friends from his old school. He was drinking and taking any drugs he could get his hands on. He started missing work on Mondays, coming in late, and his work performance slipped to the point of if it was anyone else I would have fired them immediately.

My son turned 18, graduated and started college. We had purchased a small condo for him so he could be close to the family, but still live independently. We were very close and he probably called my 4 times a day for one reason or another. All was going great until his girlfriend broke up with him. He was not dealing well with the loss, I figured that this triggered some abandonment issue from the loss of his father that he never dealt with. I took him away for a short vacation with just the two of us. I tried to get him to go to counseling again, but he said he didn’t want to go and that he would be okay. Two weeks later he told me he wanted to talk to someone I scheduled an appointment.

In the interium my son started hanging out with his old best friend. The very next day I called his friend into my office and told him that I believed that he was drinking and doing drugs and hanging with a bad croud. I told him that he had better not do anything around my son or bring my son around his other friends. He told me he would never bring my son around them and that he was so greatful to me for everything I had done for him. We discussed that I believed that Chris was suffering from depression and that I had an appointment scheduled for Chris to talk with someone.

Within 3 days my son decided he didn’t need the appointment and called me less and less. Then he started actively avoiding me. He was always too busy studying, sleeping or on his way somewhere. The more he tried to withdraw from me the more I tried to get in touch with him. I talked to his friend and he said he really wasn’t seeing Chris that often that my son was spending time with his other friends. He told me that Chris just wanted some space and that he was fine. I looked on my son’s facebook page and he looked stoned, I had one of his friends log on and that is when I noticed that all of his friends were obviously trying to get in touch with my son to no avail. One even said “where have you been, what about us. All you do is smoke and get tattoos.”

It was game on then because I knew that while I was supporting his best friend he was lying to my face about what my son was doing. I confronted him, we walked out and my son called me screaming like a lunatic because his friend had a kid to support. Within two days my son had withdrawn 37K in insurance proceeds from the bank account. I found them at our condo with a u-haul. I wouldn’t let him take anything but one tv and his clothes. I refused to let him take the car that was titled and insured in my name He handed over his car keys to me and condo keys and walked out of my life. I couldn’t believe what had transpired. If ever there was a recipe for desaster it would be 37K and two teenagers on drugs.

I lost my mind, I begged, pleaded for help from everyone. The kids’ mother because she saw the boys because they would drop her grandson off. Everybody thought I was overreacting and that boys will be boys and that I needed to let go. It ate me alive. I was totally consumed. I tried to call, email, communicate through facebook. I had a couple of lucid conversations with him where he would schedule meetings with me to change the title to his car or help pack the contents of the condo to be stored and made plans to spend some time together for Christmas. However, he cancelled plans repreatedly and when he actually showed up he was angry, verbally abusive and irrational.

I finally told him that I was done. His bad behavior was affecting me two much and that when he could be a responsible caring family member that he could call me, but until then to just stay way. I stopped calling him.

This all transpired within three or possibly fourt months from the time he first smoked pot and drank with his friend. He only lived with his friend for 2 months before he called and wanted to move back into the condo. I wanted him away from his friend and to get him into rehab because although he denied it, I knew he was on something. He said that he hadn’t been doing any drugs, that he still had the majority of his money and that he just wanted to take advantage of the opportuniy we had previously offered him. We let him move back into the condo and returned his car to him on the condition that he agree to see a counselor with me to work on our relationship and that his friend was absolutely not to be at my condo. He agreed and we had two sessions with the counselor. My plan was to get him in there so we could get started on the family issues, his depression and ultimately his drug usage. The first meeting he was aloof and blamed me for everyting. He really liked that part even though most of it was irrational and untrue. The next session, he was a little more rational, but was still aloof.

I receied a telephone call the day before the 3rd session from his friends’ mother that my son had just been arrested. After 3 phone calls to her son she was finally able to learn that his friend was with him walking to our condo and the cops stopped them and found Chris with cocaine and marjauana. My husband wouldn’t let me go down that night, but the very nest morning I was there with 3K to bail him out. He told me that jail was horrible, he admitted to using cocaine and stated that he needed to get away from the temptations. He confessed that he had none of the 37K left. We went to the counselor that day and Chris said he wanted to go somewhere to get treatment. I immediately started looking for a facility. He disappeared all day and wouldn’t answer the phone. When he finally answered he was hostile and verbally abusive. I told him I was on my way over to the condo and if he wasn’t there that I would revoke his bail. He was there, I showed him the website of the treatment facility I decided on, I put him on the telephone with the screener because they wouldn’t take him unless he agreed to treatment. We packed and I drove him three hours to Palm Beach.

I am a wreck, it looks like I did everything wrong. I am so angry at everyone. My husband, his stepfather isn’t as emotionally involved as I am and he is really angry about the way we were treated, the lies, the effect this has had on our 3 year old daughter and our marriage, and having to dish out 12K for rehab; 3K in bail and attorneys fees. Chris has lied to us so much over the last 4 months that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust my own judgment and I don’t know if he is just scamming us again. I am totally consumed by this and cannot sleep or think of anything or anyone else but my son. I continually replay each instance where if I would have done something differently things wouldn’t have turned out this way.

I have so many questions. Starting with how do go through 37K in 3 months. When I admitted him to the facility they drug tested him and they said they found cocaine and marjauna. I feel like I have been through hell in the last four months. My son blames me, his friend blames me (I could hear him in the background aggitating Chris), my husband blames me because Chris is my son and I blame myself at least as much as they do.

I am so scared of what the future holds. I cannot imagine what our future hold and what will happen to my son or the rest of the family. I don’t think I am as stong as you are because this seems unbearable to me.

Hello, and thanks to all,
For me it is my daughter who has left 5 children, first for the streets and then in jail, all because of the addiction which is complicated by her bipolar illness and a learning disability. I’m surprised to be happy that she is now in the NJ Women’s Prison because for the first time in Years
she is getting the health care and the medication for the bipolar illness that she has always needed but would not take. She would not admit that she had a mental illness and just kept using instead of getting real medication – and she’s getting some training in life skills so maybe she can make it when she gets out. She’s never done anything evil,
but just ignoring the court orders got her into contempt of court and there she is. It seems a rather crazy use of tax payer dollars to treat her like a criminal/even in there with murderers but still I have to be grateful. She writes letters to me that make sense at last! and is appreciative of my supporting the children. Bless you all!

Thanks for letting me read all of your messages. My son who is 23 was short of graduating college. For years he self-medicated with alcohol and marijuana and over the last two years has spiraled downhill to the point of smoking black tar or heroine. He could not function on this and sent out a call for help. He threatened suicide…I did an intervention and flew to his college and he went to detox and is now in a dual diagnosis rehab. I am so sad, I am so mournful and I totally blame myself for working hard and not noticing our nanny at the time who began to smoke marijuana. I have read about Alanon and have gone to one meeting. I cannot let myself go. It has affected my relationship with my husband and our daughter. I function on a very high level and now I am lost.

My 24 year old son threatened to take his life yesterday. I called 911 and with the suicide note and the electrical cord tied like a noose it was enough for a 5250 mental health 72 hour evaluation. My son is bipolar and self medicating with alcohol, and pot (legally). He is facing 2 DUI’s and jail time over the next recent weeks. His life is spiraling out of control, and he is in denial. He is not employed, dropping classes before finishing them, extreme relationship drama, stealing, lying, and feeling entitled to whatever he feels and believes he wants. I love him, I will not watch him die. I will change myself, because that is all I have the power to do. I will continue to pray for him.
I am sad, frustrated, and grieving the loss of my dreams for him. My faith in God, and my fellowship in Al Anon is what gets me through each day. Al Anon has worked for me. Two years ago, through the advice of my own therapist, I began attending Al Anon meetings. At first I was not comfortable with what was being said, but I kept going back. There is courage, strength and hope in these rooms. There is a fellowship of families who love an addict. There is healing for everyone. It is hard to work this program. It takes my mind off my son and puts my focus back on myself and my relationship with God. I would be curled up in a reclined depression if I had not found this 12-step program, and made the commitment to myself to work it. I find something to be grateful for each day. I love these people because we are open and share our recovery. God Bless Each and Every Family Suffering with Addiction.

So many painful stories.

I read the letter by one mother who told of her son’s diagnosis of bi-polar disorder. I believe, after looking back on my daughter’s roller-coaster ride with drugs and the way she continues to struggle, that most people who are addicts have other issues they are dealing with. My daughter suffers from anxiety and has struggled with insomnia since she was about 8 years old.

I so often feel angry–at the drug dealers, at my daughter, at the police for not doing more, at the treatment centers for charging too much money, at myself for not seeing the signs sooner, at the schools for not doing a better job of teaching about the dangers of drugs. But none of my anger is going to help solve my daughter’s addiction.

Addiction is a destructive cruel disease. Its cruelty to the parents is heartbreaking because they watch their sons and daughters struggle and it’s almost impossible to not want to help a child who is in pain.

Ok…I thought I was losing my mind…a lot of these stories sound just like mine….

My son was valivictorian, 4.0 student, and captin of the football and basketball team…i’ve never really had any problems from him til his senior year in hs…he had scouts coming from all different directions…we finially choose a school and he went away happily to football camp aug 2009 right after graduation, which he asked 4 a break but i told him he shouldn’t because he should take advantage of all of these opportunities…the semester begin and i thought he was doing well…i would go to all of his games even though it was two hours away..my fiance and his 6 year old sister, and me supported him in everyway. He started coming a lot, i told him not to so he started sneaking. He an one of his friends got into it with each other over $3 and his so-called friend punched him in the back of his head..i had to take off work for weeks to go to all types of doctors to make sure he was ok and i did…this was the end of first semester so he made it back in time for finials…he didn’t take them but i said he should be fine cuz he was doing good the rest of the semester…..to my shocking surprise he got all Fs in every class and he tried to tell me a college graduate that he failed becuase he didnt take his finals…it was a lie and they academically dissmissed him but i appealed it and got him back in and he was able to have 3 weeks out to get he mind together.

We checked him back in second semester and the first week in i get a call from campus police saying he has about 1200 in tickets for trespassing and he was kicked out of the doorms…then he got kicked off the football team then he got kicked out of the football players house…they won national football championship ring and he was 1 of only freshmen to get one…he even convinced me to buy him a car…so he called me two weeks before school was over and said who does that, who finishes school 2weeks early with all As…i checked his grades he got 2 Fs,b, d….at the time i was down-sizing from a house to an apartment and was going to sell all of my applicances…and i signed my rent assistance over to him so he could have his own place…so i moved out that thursday and my son called me that same day and said he was going to go racing with his friends to get a break and he was going to come back for summer school…but asked me to get his moving papers…i said ok picked up the papers and went to go clean up my old place and turn in the keys…i got there an all my appliances were gone…i called my son and asked for them and he said he had to to do what he had to do to survive so he sold them…he stole my $1000 earrings, sold his $5000 championship ring, and my appliancess and moved to chicago and dropped out of school…without me knowing..my family said he was up there acting like a totally different person…i even went up there to put him in a mental hospital…they diagnosed him with psychosis…but let him out with no meds…he was very angry about that…this is someone who has never had legal problems before…

So two months later he finally called me to come and get him…forget about me working and his lil sis…forget about i was running back and forth to chi cago trying to get him to come home…so yes i did drop everything to go. On the way back we stopped in Kanoshia for gas and my son goes in the gas station and reaches behind the counter in front of the police and takes the donation money…after the cashier and i asked him to stop he wouldnt and the police arrested him….come to find out he had a warrant for those tickets in college and they kept him for 21 days…when he got out i was the only one there to pick him up letting him know this is a fresh start for him …i will help him get a job and he can just go to the area college…he started acting like a nut…busted in my door nearly knocking it off the hinges…so i found him a shelter and said i will no longer enbale him…i had my pastor pray for him and i am letting go and letting GOD….this is a guy whose jeans costed no less than 4300 and shirts…now i hear he won’t take baths, he keeps the same clothes on for weeks.

I dont know what happened to my son…i even tried to get him some mental and drug help down here with me…they say he is grown and he is causing no harm…when i try to take him to get help he found out he is now an adult so i cant force him to stay..he even corrects the nurses english when i took him…so they thinks he’s a smart young man…so it’s really nothing i can do…he calls me from time to time, i sit up and cry and pray a lot of nights, i pray he makes it through this…i don’t know if this is mental or if it’s drug induced…all i know is that i don’t know this guy…i want to know what happened to my son….i have my black dress ready…and his life insurance…i pray for him daily…and i still love him…but he is definitelly ruining his life…but i have faith in my GOD, and i know he lovesmore than i do.

It’s like I’m watching my son die right infront of me….

Thanks for letting me vent on here because if I didn’t idk what I would do…

Wow, wow , wow. How many excuses can we make up for our children. He would be such a good boy if he didn’t do those lines, steal my money and such and such. But he is a good boy. Wake up what part of good are you talking about here. Your son chose to do what he did and choses to do what he is doing now. You can call it an addiction, or any other medical term you want to put with it. Bottom line is this when he comes off his high he knows he did wrong, then he does it all over again. Sorry buddy you have to go. No more from me as your father, learn right from wrong or die in the streets. Every user wants to blame someone for there faults, never themselfs. I buried my own son last year and he told me it was my fault he failed in lfe. No I don’t think so, he had great grades in school had a full ride to college, but blamed me for not letting him find himself in life. His Idea was to lay around my home and get high until he found himself. I didn’t let him do that. I gave him a choice either college or a job. He choose to leave, overdose and die. He left a note for me blaming me for all his faults. At first I was crushed, then I thought it wasn’t me I was pushing him to be a better person. Anyway I’m a lot better off now my other two sons are both college bound to Ivy leage schools. I look at it this way. Kids cant be kid’s parent have to mold thier kids to who they need to be. My first wife had this child, she let him do anything he wanted to do, so me as a father saying go to school and so on was just like blowing hot air. Bottom line is this god put people that are strong here and weak. My son was weak and my life is now better that he is gone. I’m not taking the guilt trip from him. I did everything as a father, baseball, camping, boyscotts and so on, he choose his path only he could of corrected his path. Trust me I tried, first with family then $$$ in counseling, in school treatment and so on. Same old story after, I had a relapse, too much presure Dad, please forgive me. The 3rd time he was out on his butt, 3 months later I buried him. I still love him to this day and will always love him. I remember the good times in life with him now. Plus I know he is at peace with himself. Now I focus on my other two sons now. and with my oldest son’s spirt I know he will help me steer his brothers in the right direction.

I too am going through so much pain and heartache. Every morning I wake up, well, I wake up most of the night and say how much I hate my son. His addiction is alcohol and ROBITUSSIN, and Tylenol PM. It is devastating. I love the boy I raised. (I raised them in Christain school until 9th grade). But, as hard as my husband and I work, we work with animals and have very little money. I personally saved every penny in 13 years my parents gave me, and when I waited tables, I saved as much as I could, knowing someday I would need it. My Father is gone and I am getting too old to wait tables. But my son and his friends stole everything. Even the pennies in my jar. It was 6000.00 dollars. FOR ROBITUSSIN! He spent probably thousand dollars in 4 months! He stole my credit card, and my husband did not want to press charges. I am SICK. And being broke is not helping the situation. How did this all happen? I just cannot figure it out. I am in such a depressed state. I go to the VA (I’m a Vet) and get antidepressants, but it doesn’t help. I wish he didn’t drag us into his mess financially. I can’t talk to him, he thinks we yell at him when we just bring up making some payments to us, or if he would just quit drinking. He won’t go to treatment, tried that. He didn’t start this until he was 21. So I can’t help him. I hate my life, it has effected every part of my life. I am miserable to the core. Maybe just cutting him out of my life? But, then he would say we’re abanding him. I honestly do not want to live, all we do is work to get all his stuff paid off. (Which everything is in my name) (Another horror story) I am not a good daughter to my mother, because she lives 4 hours away, and a person needs money for travel, and we can’t leave the animals without care. I hate Alcohol and ROBITUSSIN, and Tylenol PM. We have lost our health insurance because of him, and the 6000.00 would have been useful to pay our detuctable because I got very sick and had to go to the hospital, and I needed that, but… in the end everything is gone. So what. I look around at people getting ready for Christmas, and I hate everything and everyone. I am just waiting for him to die in his sleep because the combination of all these drugs will kill him eventually. God, I hate everythng! I cannot accept all this heartache. (Thanks for letting me vent) I’m like busting with pain all the time!

my daughter is 20 yrs. old, intelligent, beautiful,and very funny.she has been using many different drugs since about 16 yrs. old. 3 yrs. ago she met jason he is 30. he showed my baby how to inject drugs in her feet and anywhere else. she went to rehab in l.a she got kicked out for doing drugs there.she came back to my home, snuck out the second night back to go be with jason.she is going back to rehab after christmas. but her actions here are making the entire family a mess. it is christmas in a few days, i can’t have her here. i am broken hearted but i must return her gifts. if i give them to her she will sell them for money to buy drugs. i am concerned, is she going to die before making it back to rehab? all i can say is ashley i love you more than you will ever know, please get the help you need so badly.

I am so thankful for this site, as I’m staying awake at night praying to God I won’t have to bury my only child. God Bless us all. Addiction is a nightmare; my story is like many of them here. Valerie

my son is going back to prison for the third time he wants to die he is a crack addict since he was 18 he is now 40 he has spent 12 yrs. in prison allready . he was out on paroll used and eventually robbed. i love him so much ! he hates himself i dont know how to help him find hope.he had a bad accident has medel in is spine & plates in his neck 2 yrs. ago he got hooked on pain meds. & started useing again .. he needs help lock down help not prison . i fear he will die in there . courts dont care i will pray for all of you & your children marie

…I was online looking for a poem from a mother to her son when I came across this blog. My heart is bleeding pure pain… God I feel helpless and I don’t know where I went wrong. I am reading my own story in all of these. It is so difficult to talk about it…my story is so hard… I can’t continue….

I’m sorry….

I was so blessed to find this blog. I am also suffering from my 34 year old son’s addictions and mental health issues. He began having problems following our divorce-his dad had been having a 2 year affair and he found out. I have financially and emotionally supported him since then. I moved 800 miles away for employment and he followed me here. He still lives with me and has his own business. Of course, the business is unsuccessful and I am now supporting him and the business. When I withdrew my financial support he stole money from me and my 90 year old mother. He is in jail now for DUI, hit and run, driving without a license, etc. He expects me to pay his legal fees and I simply can’t. He said the court told him he was not eligible for a public defender because he lives with me and I make too much money. Can that be right? Please continue this blog and if you have any suggestions I welcome them.

I just found the site. It gives me comfort to know I am not alone. My husband and I are almost crazy from the worry and stress our 22 yr. old son has caused us. He had behavior problems in school from a early age, which I guess was the first of this nightmare. Before we knew that he even had a problem with drugs, he had stolen all my jewelry and many other things from our home. He is addicted to opanas, oxycontin, zanax and god only knows what else. You all know the story. Countless nights of him screaming at us, putting holes in the walls, blaming everyone but himself. The anthem of the drug addicted person. Even his grandmother has paid fines and given him money. I know we have enabled him but we are parents. It is hard to tell your child to get out, when you know they have no where to go. It’s hard not to hold on the the hope and continue to believe their lies. Reading these stories, I can now see that they all say what you want to hear to pacify you one more day. We came home a few months ago and found him lying on the kitchen floor, where he fell, while making a sandwich. Some of his so-called friends had came over and gave him some cocaine on top of the lortabs he had taken. Ever since that night, my husband has suffered from extreme anxiety and depression. You go to work, feeling hopeless and trying to act normal. You come home, dreading to walk in, knowing your child will be waiting for you, begging for money, or drugged up and looking for a fight. I completely understand the feeling of hating your child for what they have become and what they have done to your family. My daughter, a special Education teacher and mother, has been put aside so many times because we are constantly wrapped up in him. It’s not fair to her or us. What do you do? Where can you turn. One week ago, my son came to me out of the blue and told me he had called his therapist and finally admitted to her he had a drug problem. She helped him get into a rehab center about 5 hrs away. He did this on his own, which makes me hopeful but I still have this dreadful feeling that it will go wrong. He has already called saying he hated it and was coming home, but he called the next morning and apologized and he is still there. Maybe, just maybe, there is some hope. Sorry this is so long….I will say that we have taken everything from him that he already has not sold. His grandmother bought him a car and within 2 weeks it was gone. He has no cell phone. I WILL NOT give him money. I only buy him cigarettes. While he has been gone, I have finally come to the realization, it is time to let him work it out on his own. I will always love him, always be there for support, but no longer will I let him take our life away. I can’t.

My son is a addict he was doing so well now he has started again
I love him but yet I hate him. I don’t know what to do anymore please help me to learn what can be done. He denies everything but I know what’s going on. Every story I read is the same as mine but what can we do to help

..

My 19 year old son died 5 years ago in a pedestrian accident. I will never know the truth about how it happened, as an illegal alien was the driver. My son was having addiction issues. He exhibited all the behaviors you all are describing. He wanted to go to rehab. I have the calendar with the word “rehab” penciled in by him on it. His death has almost destroyed his father. I just go, go, go. Trying to outrun the pain and knowing that if I stop, our house will be nasty and we won’t have decent meals on the table. This boy was so loved. Sometimes, I just wish I was gone so I would not have to live with this pain.

I can understand the love/hate relationship. When the pain, heartache, disappointment,worry, and anger clouds over the feelings of pride,joy, and trust, you can’t help but to feel as though you hate that person. We hate their ways and not them. You can’t help but to remember when your child was young. My son has been addicted to crack since the age of 14. He is 29 now. He’s been in and out of jail and prison for crimes to get drugs. He was recently diagnosed with HIV and hepatitis C. Afer receiving this bad news, he continues to do drugs. He is angry and wants to die. He is not compliant with his meds, which will prolong his life. He often steals from me. I have decided that he can’t come to my house again. It is very hard to watch him die. Sometimes I wonder which will be worse watching him destroy his life or wondering what it will be like not having him at all. He often curses GOD for allowing him to go through all this. He says he is already in hell. The saddest thought is losing my son for all eternity, waking up in heaven and not finding him there. I have tried everything to save him, any suggestions.

My 46 year old son has been living in my home for a year. He has stolen from me over and over. I have attempted to trust him by sending him to the store with my card and this past week he stole every dime I had to pay my bills. As I set here I can’t pay anything-power, water, cable, life insurance, car insurance and have no groceries. How do you send your blood to jail knowing you can’t get it back.
I had a friend who lived and died through this and lost her home, vehicle and everything she had. Watched her die last year with him still running wild. Now I find myslf in the same situation….Sometimes it would be better if I died, however only God knows when it’s time for me to go. I planned to buy life insurance on him, since his dad has remarrid and could care less about him. I loved him the day he was born and will love him til I die.

I HAVE READ ALL THE COMMENTS, BUT I STILL FEEL SO ALONE. MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY ARE CRUMBLING BEFORE MY EYES. MY 28 YEAR OLD SON IS ADDICTED TO HEROIN. HE IS NOW TAKING SUBOXONE WHICH MIMICS HIS ADDICTIVE HABITS. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAILURE BECAUSE I HONESTLY DON’T CARE IF HE SUCCEEDS. I JUST WANT HIM OUT OF OUR LIVES. I FEEL SO GUILTY ADMITTING THIS. IT’S BEEN A LONG 10 YEARS WITH HIS ADDICTION. MY HOPES WERE ONLY SHATTERED RECENTLY WHEN HE WAS CLEAN FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS. HE WAS DOING SO WELL. WE WERE TRUSTING HIM AGAIN AND I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE THE LUCKY ONES. WE FINALLY HAD SOME PEACE IN OUR LIVES. MY DAUGHTER AND SONS CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS BACK IN OUR HOME. MY HUSBAND AND I ARGUE CONSTANTLY. I FEEL SO DESPERATE AND I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON LIKE THIS ANY LONGER.

Dear Lauren,
I was struck by your comment and want you to know you are not alone! I am proud of you for being so honest, your thoughts are not uncommon , in fact many parents feel the same way you do, but don’t have the courage to say it! I cant imagine how conflicted you must feel. Despite everything you have gone through with your son, you still have a bond and that cant be broken even by addiction. Both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I think parents are the ones who go through the most when there is an addiction problem in the family. We don’t get the luxury of getting high or turning off our feelings and emotions. Even for a minute. Please know Lauren, that by sharing and talking about how you feel you are helping yourself and your family. And when you feel like giving up, know that there are people out there who support you and are there if you need them.

My son is 26 and a drug addict. His choice of drugs is oxy or roxy. He has battled this since he was 16, he has been in rehab twice. The first time he went, he stayed clean for 2yrs. I was naive….we went to counseling while he was in rehab and they told us that every month, they have 30 guys go through rehab there. 1 out of 30 will stay clean. I was certain that 1 would be my son…..not so. During his two years of sobriety, he had a son of his own. I thought there was no way he would return to that life of misery with a child of his own. I was so wrong……His life is nothing but lies, stealing and not being a very good person. He loves his son but he loves the drugs more than anything or anyone. He had a great job that he lost, he bought a home when he was in his two year clean time that he just lost. He finally got a job but was fired for stealing money. He basically lost rights to his son. Of course, I don’t want my grandson with him if he is on stuff. He is only 3 years old and I worry about his safety when he is with his Dad. I don’t understand….our son doesn’t come from a divorced family, we raised him in church, we have always supported him in anything he has tried to do. I said all that to say, there was nothing tramatic to happen to him in his life as a child or adult to cause this. We have looked at ourselves trying to figure out where we failed as parents. I have finally, in the last year, come to realize that he is where he is in life because of the choices he continues to make. I hear people say it is a disease….I don’t know. When he has been clean for several months, I start to get my hopes up just to have them dashed again. He has been clean this time since June. Was starting to feel that familar hope, I talked to him on the phone this morning and heard the voice that is dragging and a stuffy nose. The nose is always what I listen for because when he is stuffy, it usually means he is snorting it again. I’m so sad about it. I have decided that it is his choice to ruin his life but I can’t let his sorry choices ruin ours, our youngest son’s (who just joined the military) or our grandson’s. We have talked to him until we are blue in the face, begged him to go to rehab one more time. I have talked to him about the path of a addict…you can choose the path to get clean and stay in the real world or you can choose the path that will only lead to jail or death…probably both. I’m so afraid the pills win again

It is comforting to know I am not alone in my grief, although my heart goes out to all of the moms who preceded my note with their heartaches due to children addicted to a drug. My son who is 24 now is currently in jail. He is addicted to Roxycontin and he will do anything to get it. He lies and steals from family , neighbors, and friends and people he doesn’t know too. He has no conscience. He seems to be slowly killing himself and hurting all who love him in this ongoing nightmare of addiction. He takes the most from those who loved the person he used to be before drugs. We have tried rehab and will try it again. I hate drugs and what they have made of the person who is my son.

My story over and over again. My son is 36 and lives with me. He is an alcoholic and drug abuser and doesn’t work and hasn’t for years except small jobs here & there. Amazing how you raise your child alone away from the alcoholic father yet the turn out to be exactly like them. Jason gets verbally abusive when drunk – this last week he threatened to kill me with his bare hands – to choke me until i was dead – he ranted and raved for 2 hours in front of his so called friend who supplied the beer & drugs. He has threatened me before but not to that extent. So I finally took a stand with conviction, (after talking to an ALANON friend) and asked to leave in a loving way – oh yes he came back in anger but he did agree – after a compromise by giving him 3 days and no drinking. When he is sober he is a great loving person so i will trust in God that he will leave. I did tell him i have the police on speed dial if things went wrong – just hope i made the right decision to compromise. So you see i feel the pain too. I love him with my whole heart. I pray everyday that God will lead him down the path of recovery – i will pray for everyone of you too!

Addiction is a brain disease which causes irrationality. The way drug abuse changes the brain’s structure and function causes previously normal, caring loved ones to undergo a personality change in which their every scruple is sacrificed in pursuit of the drugs they need to maintain ther addictions. With treatment and abstinence, selfish, dishonest addicts can change back into caring, loving people. For a web site that explains what makes addiction a brain disease and how it alters an addict’s thinking and behavior, click on http://www.addictscience.com

Hello,

My son is 15 years old. He started doing weed 1 year ago. He was a normal kid and his behavior was average for his age. I don’t know what or how happen but he started steeling money to her mom and later on he stole $2000 dollars from my house. I forgave him but 3 month later he sold my laptop to buy drugs. I called the police. He went to jail for 21 days, after that he breaking in a house and got 21 more days in Detention center. I put him in a rehabilitation center but he runaways 3 times and the institution refuse to accept him (too much liability), No school at all, Now he has court net Wednesday 26, 4 cases open and the states attorneys want to send him to a program a lockdown facility (Level 8)
I don’t know what to do. Any help
Thank you

I am not a parent, but the sister of a 47 year old alcoholic/drug addicted brother. My brother began using when he was in his very early teen’s (and perhaps even earlier), and as far as I know is still using today. I watched him destroy my parents emotionally, physically and financially. They didn’t want to believe that he could be an addict; but they did believed that it was their responsibility to take care of him even as he entered middle age. These beliefs took an enormous toll on our family. I feel so badly for my parents that they were unable to let go and to take care of themselves. The last years of my mom’s life were fraught with fear about finances, physical illness, and anger towards my dad and my brother. My father felt guilt that he couldn’t “fix” my brother, guilt that he had let my mom down, and anger about all of it.

I wish my parents had been able to see that they weren’t alone, that they didn’t have to be subject to my brothers lies and manipulation, and that they needed to take care of themselves. I hope for all the suffering parents who have responded that you will find help for yourselves. As much as you want too, you cannot control what choices your children make or the paths they choose, which I know is extremely painful. Addiction IS a family disease – learn as much as you can about it, but also know your limitations – don’t enable your child’s drug use or behavior. Sometimes letting go is the healthiest thing you can do, not only for yourself, but for your child as well.

I went through three years of pure hell with my youngest son. Pot, then cocaine. I didn’t know about the cocaine until near the very end. At 19 years old, he died in a pedestrian accident. Now, his 27 year old brother is in rehab for I don’t really know what drug. He has in a round about way let me know what drug, but I think it’s multiple drugs. He had told so many lies and conned us out of money and we were stupid enough to think he was just having money problems. I have no more trust. I want to help him, but the lies are too thick. Outpatient rehab, and I think he is making the effort. But then I find soda cans made into drug smoking devices hid in his dirty clothes. It was pure hell losing his younger brother. Now, this older son is making us suffer all over again. I would surely love to
go far away and make a whole different life. The pain is too much and I feel depression every day and night. I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. He has fooled us for so long that I no longer trust my own judgement.

My son is a crystal meth addict. He was molested when he was thirteen and told no one until he turned eighteen. He had tried to give blood and found out he had HIV. He then told us about the molestation. Determined to go to college and get a good job so he could take care of himself, he started drinking alot then experimenting with drugs while in college. We didn’t know about this because he was in another state. Then, in 2008 he graduated and the employment market in his field just disappeared. He couldn’t get a good job. That fall one of his friends called me and told me that he had a drug problem. He came to see us for Thanksgiving and we had a family “intervention” which at the time made him kind of angry. Later, after having his only (to date) altercation with the law he started thinking about things. He decided to come home for Xmas. On the trip he had a terrible accident in a snowstorm. He was not “under the influence” at the time but lost his car, his job and spent a week in the hospital. So then, he came to live with us. The year went badly for him, he seemed to relapse about every three months or so. The beginning of the next year he went to rehab for a month, came out and immediately relapsed. He still tried, he was working for a great boss who knew situation. After about six months, two more relapses later he got fired. Then he found another job away from us and moved out. We didn’t hear any more problems, he found a better job in another state and moved there. For a while things were okay, but in the last month he’s had two relapses. He is currently locking himself in his apt and, of course, he lost his job again.

We don’t know what to do, as his parents I keep thinking I can’t let him move home unless he agrees to go to rehab again…My husband swears he won’t let him live with us. I just don’t know if I can be strong enough, I pray that I can.

Thank you for writing this. I feel so alone heartbroken. This week, we learned that our 27-year-old son has lost his job of 5 years due to drug use and erratic behavior. He lives a few thousand miles from us, and has lost his apartment and most of his belongings. I look at pictures of him as a beautiful, charming, smart, very loved child, and I don’t know how he could have made such bad decisions.

Steve, that website was a lot of help. I got a lot of insight into my son’s addiction by reading the article. http://www.addictscience.com. Thanks.

As I’m reading these stories, I’m sitting here crying!! It makes me feel a lot better to know that I am not alone, that there are others who share my pain! I recently found out that my son has been using drugs since he was 15. After that, I felt like I failed as a parent and it was my fault for not getting help sooner. I am slowly coming to realize that it’s him and not me. My son is 21 years old and addicted to PCP and alcohol. I’ve tried several times to get him help. Just recently he came out of a 10 day inpatient program (shame on insurance companies for removing patients so quickly) and soon as he came home, the next day he was back out looking for drugs! I am at a lost and I feel like I’m waiting for that phone call telling me that my son was killed or overdosed! Thank you all for sharing your stories, it has helped a lot!

How to begin, I have read all of the postings here on this site where I had written our story of our son. I have cried with you, worried with you and most importantly I keep all of you in my prayers. Every parent’s journey with a child who is addicted is different yet always the same. The most important thing for each and everyone of you to know is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Our hearts break for our children, regardless of their age, As parents we want to protect them from everything, sometimes we just can’t and we need to know that as parents we do all the right things and try to save them but in reality it is all up to them.. Our child needs to want that RECOVERY FOR THEMSELVES AS MUCH AS WE WANT IT FOR THEM. Know that it is not your son or daughter who is doing these horrible things, as your son or daughter loves you too much, but it is the ADDICT, the demon within your child that is doing the drugs. Once I learned to seperate my child from the addict, I was able to do what needed to be done. I left the addict go! I told the addict he was never allowed into our home again. When our Son was ready to return our hearts and our door would be open. It took our son many years to come back to us, He is now 32 a father and husband, he recently found a good job. I still have that little spot in the back of my brain that worries and most likely always will, being a Mother we do that.
The Parntership at Drugfree.org has many great sites, many great people to help you along the way. We as parents also need to take care of ourselves, as we need to get into our own recovery. We need to work on keeping ourselves well in body, mind and spirit. Reach out for help if you need it, Get involved in a support group, start one in your community because wether you know it or not, there are many of us, Parents, struggleing with children who suffer from this horrific DISEASE, CALLED ADDICTION!. I hope I havent rambled on too long and hope that this will help someone. Each and everyone of you and your families and your child who suffers are in my prayers daily… With much Love, Support and Prayer…. Kathleen

Your post is sad, but unfortunately it my story also. All of ours are different in some ways but all connected. Right now my 40 year old son hates me. He is living with a 24 year old drug addict. Things are bad there, and yet, I can seem to try to find a way to help him. First years ago his drug was cocaine, now I fear he could have followed this girl into the world of pills. I do not know for sure. He emails me to leave him alone. I wrote anyway, and said you are welcomed to come home. I have tried to enlist others who love him in my plight. He is a veteran who fought on the front lines of the first Gulf War. I know it bothers him but he won’t talk about it. Mail came yesterday for him, I sent it to him in an envelope with the name of a Veterans Outreach person. I too am terrified for my son. I am not sure if he is using now or just that she was. He said she is on a methodone clinic now. But she goes back and forth to her daughters fathers place to my son’s causing all kinds of drama.
He treats me so badly. I know there is nothing I can do, they have to want help, but the bleeding of your soul hurts so badly.
Your article made me realize I am not bleeding alone, but it still makes you feel like it’s difficult to put one foot in front of the other each day. He told a friend of his who called me he was going to leave the state. I don’t know what is going on, he lives about a half hour or more from us. All I can do is pray. People get tired of hearing our stories and our pain and I guess I can’t blame them. So today I started a diary on my computer, where I type my thoughts concerns experiences, my fears. My Imac screen is that of stars, so I say I am talking to the angels, for I believe in angels. You can email me if you like, right now it is a very blue time. My son has been incarcerated three times for theft because of drugs. Does the programs perfectly, comes home excels in a job, and then meets a women with an addiction and here we go again. I have emphysema and copd, advanced, I like to know my son is okay before those angels I spoke about takes me home.
Always,
Susan

my beautiful son, 33 years old, is in rehab,(again) as i write this…alcohol and pain killers…oh god, what can i do? it is a disease over which we have no control….i cry, i stress, i am overwhelmed….i am destroying myself…..how does a mother stop obsessing about her only son, who is so smart, so much to offer, who tells me, all he wants is to be clean, have a good job & meet a nice girl……i truly take comfort in knowing i am not alone….god bless us all…..

Al-Anon saved my sanity and helps me cope with my son’s drug and alcohol abuse.

It is such help to read all your comments. I feel like I have found a family to share my grief with. My son now 30 years has been on drugs since 13 years old. He dropped out of college, worked for a year and left the job. He was said to suffer from mental diseases, but I think it was the drugs.The pain you are feeling is just as I feel. I love my son( the only son). I feel so confused to see him with no interest on anything.He does not want to go to Rehab as he claims he is fine. He can not even clean the garden or have a friend to share with him. He goes out and comes back so drugged that he does not know anything. I just want to thank God that I have reached a stage where I have handed my son to God. I love my son, but I can not change him. My husband has distanced himself, that he does not talk to our son.My prayer to all parents of addicts is that God should shelter us from such a raveging storm.Those who have already been taken, may their souls find rest.

It is 4:45 a.m. and I have been searching the internet for some kind of comfort for what I am going through. I want to thank you for sharing your stories. My son is 19 and he too is addicted to drugs – I am not even sure how many drugs he is on. He was brought up in church and lived for God for many years – even going on mission trips with other young people and church groups. He would study the Bible daily and take notes and pray. And then life took a devastating turn. My first knowledge of his drug use was when he was 14. I immediately enrolled him (us) in counseling and for 2 years thought the issues that drove him to the drug use were being resolved. He is so kind and loving and caring when he is not using but I have been so stupid and naive. I believed every lie he told me. He has stolen from us, sold drugs to get what he needed – you name it. I cannot tell you how painful this has all been. I feel like everyday I am dying as I watch him destroying his life and killing himself. All the while telling me he doesnt have a problem and he doesn’t know why I am tripping (upset , making a big deal). He has moved out and moved back in many times. He has been arrested 3 times (the most recent this month and is still in jail). Shortly before he was arrested this last time, I noticed a worsening of his behavior and attitude and a dark depression hit him like never before. I took him to the doctor who prescribed depression medicine but then my son refused to take it. One week later, he just walked out of his job with no explanation and never went back. He told me he would do what he had to do to get what he needed and that scared me to death. I begged him to go to rehab. He said he would but not just yet – wasnt quite ready. I told him he could not live with us any longer while using drugs and living that kind of life. Begged him to get help immediatley. He said what kind of mother puts her son out on the street with no where to go? That killed me to the core. But I said, ” the kind of mother that loves her son and has done everything she knows to do to save him. The kind of mother that loves you enough to let you hit rock bottom in the hopes that you will change”. I knew it would get worse and it has. This roller coaster of addiction is absolute hell and I just want off the ride!!! He is now in jail but finally is agreeing to go to rehab. I am so glad but at the same time I am afraid to hope or believe in him because I am so hurt and feel like I need to protect myself from further devastation and disappointment. I cannot live like this anymore.

I am devastated,speechless, It s so painful. My only spn is addicted to oxycodon and to other drugs, cocain, crack..His arms does not have any viens more, its blue, and yellow. ……PLEASE GOD HELP TO ALL OF THESE CHILDREN, AND ALL OF YOU DEAREST PARENTS, PLEASE, GOD give us strangh and currage IN THOSE MOST HORRIBLE, DIFFICULT YEARS, Thank you so much for your sharing. God bless you all……

I have a 15 yr old son who has been in and out of detention so many times I lost count. He is addicted to spice and sounds very much like these other people being described. It scares me to think that he will continue into his adulthood with this addiction and I’ve already reached my limit. He took off last night and I haven’t heard from him at all and have tried to keep my mind busy but I’m thinking the worst at this point. Usually when he takes off, he shows up at his dad’s house in the morning but it’s going well into the afternoon and we haven’t heard anything. I feel so helpless.

Spice is horrible. My daughter started using spice after I began random drug testing her. This was in 2009 and the rehab centers didn’t know what they were dealing with, so when she went to rehab, many people acted as though she didn’t have a real addiction. She didn’t take the outpatient program seriously and couldn’t stay away from spice OR weed, so she went into an inpatient program. After rehab, she returned home, and started using bath salts because she was afraid of spice and still wanted to get high AND pass drug tests. She lost her mind on the salts. Stealing from me, lying, raging, etc. So back to rehab — 90 days inpatient, this time at one of those places you see on “Intervention”– but not without a last minute cocaine and opium binge on the eve of her admission. We came to blows over that. Again, since bath salts were new and still legal, they didn’t take her problem as seriously as the heroine and meth addicts in the program. She turned 18 in the program, came home, went to meetings for a couple of months and then started getting high again – back to weed and who knows what else, since I’d given up on drug testing. I had to throw her out for breaking our agreement to stay clean. 3 weeks later she’s in a coma from an intentional overdose ( her 2nd serious suicide attempt in 2 years). She was in a psych ward for 3 weeks, and then her high-priced out-of-network psychiatrist helped me find sober living facility in another state. She got kicked out of that after a month. I can only guess why; she says because she took too many naps. She went to a shelter, then ended up homeless, living in a car with a guy who also got kicked out of the same facility. I let her come home after it got too cold to sleep outdoors, and she got a job and seemed to be doing better for 3 months. Yesterday I found out she’s switched to booze – and is on the brink of losing her job at Walmart because she’s missed so much time ( due to being too drunk or hungover to go in). I’m a single mother because her father (who she’s never known) developed a raging crack addiction while I was pregnant. I’ve never married, I am an only child, and I lost my mother last year, and I am completely on my own with her and this. I got so overwhelmed that I couldn’t focus on work and lost my well-paying, but demanding job. I turned her over to God a couple of years ago, but I’ve not been so impressed with the results. Whatever His secret plan is, I hope it starts working soon. Because I am out of options. Honestly, I would rather die than go down this crap hole with her again. I love this girl with all my heart, but I hate her phony-ass crap. Whoever wrote that addicts pull you down faster than you can lift them up was right. I’ve dealt with this for 5 years. It terrifies me that some of you parents have been dealing with this for 10 and 20 years.

Dear Lord, bless those who seek
solace in substances;
helplessly hurting
of Your eternal love.

God, please keep them safe from the
perils of their actions.
Protect those around them as well.

Give them the strength, O Lord, to see
that it is You they’ve been searching for.
For there is no void You cannot fill.
And You are always with them.

With You there is no fear, no pain,
no judgment -
And all their sins will be forgiven.

They need only look to Your hopeful
light within them all,their bodies,
trying to feed their souls.

Father, let them see You are the
food they crave.
Envelop them in the warm blanket
Instead of the demons that beckon.

We pray they know they are always
worthy of Your love,
And can forever bask in Your
Holy Grace. May peace be theirs.

My heart is breaking reading all your stories. I never in a million years thought I would be here.

Until yesterday at 5:00 PM when my husband told me our son had called from Hazelden where he had been for a week so far for rehab from cocaine.

I was completely clueless. Our son said he’d been using for about a year, he’d ordered this stuff online, then found a dealer.

We were lucky (!) Michael got himself help, he’s not going to be fired from his job (not yet, anyway), he sounds ok on the phone, seems to be doing well in rehab.

My DH is a long-time member of AA, though. We were always watching for signs of alcohol but Michael wasn’t a drinker. We were watching for the wrong thing all this time.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I’ve felt so alone with this. Like many of you, he is our only son and I spent all his youth keeping him busy, away from possible trouble.

It wasn’t enough

Prayers and supplication to our Lord Jesus who can save. My daughter, too, is an addict. Opiates of any type prob including heroin. 24 and beautiful.Smart and caring. Now she thinks she is bi polar…I think they are all demons. The enemy as a roaring lion seeks whom he may
devour. That certainly seems to fit the bill…unbelievable devourment! If it were not for faith I would think I was nothing but a chewed up piece of meat, and so was she. It is a roller coaster of emotions..you think they are doing well and then BAM…the fall again.
So hard to understand it..so hard to keep believing i don’t know how i would get through thus with out faith…

It breaks my heart to read all of those stories but at the same time I find peace in knowing that I am not the only one. I know it is very hard. Who would have imagined their grown son or daughter being addicted to drugs and alcohol? We are all good parents and I know deep in my heart we did do the right thing when we were raising our child but it seems it wasn’t enough. The heartaches, paying for this and paying for that all because he wasn’t working, the crying behind closed doors and the sleepless nights had taken a toll on me.

I believe in God. I turned to God and asked what shall I do. Essentially, I turned my son over to God. It doesn’t mean it all stopped and went away, it just means I put my trust in the Lord and He is handling it. No problem is too big or too small for Him. My faith is getting stronger and stronger each and every day now. My heart has joy, peace and love, my pocketbook is closed, I’ve stopped crying, and I definitely don’t have as many sleepless nights like I used to. I have faith.

Hi,
I am another mom with the same problem with my older son who will be 20 soon, started on marjuana one year ago and with allucinogen a few months ago if nothing else.
I separated 4 years ago and when he turned 18 he wanted to move to his father’s house because there there were no rules there. So he started on marjuana. My ex does nothing about it because the only thing he cares about it’s his job. He never went on vacation since 7 years ago, no one day out not even to save our marriage and now his child.
My son was introduced to marjuana by his girlfriend and some “friends” and because he was previously suffering of ADD (and probably compulsive disorder too) some people told me he might be self-medicating but the truth now is that he is completely addict. He smokes or do pots every day and uses allucinogens 2-3 times per week. He is a lier, not attendable (not stealing yet). His father allowed him to keep plants of marjuana in his garden since my son has a medical card (damn doctors who do not respect Hippocratic Oath! We should start signing a petition and have them recalled with a huge fee to pay). My ex, since the day I left did not clean his house and let everything go wild. That house looks like a homeless house, smell of dirt and marjuana everywhere. This is a fight against my ex really! We BOTH should kick him out of the house with nothing (no money, no phone, no clothing….) forcing him to find a solution and pursue it by himself. Human beings need two things in order to survive: money and food.
If we kick him out he would have to work. Ok you can tell me he could sell drugs. Right. For how long with no food and no shelter???? He would have to find a full time work that would not leave him time for anything else!
A friend of mine 37 now, started like my son. He was kicked out with nothing else than the clothes he was wearing. He had to find a full time job right away. Worked for a year, decided it was harder than studying so he went to college and finished. Now he is fine, with a full time job and back to the love of his family.

We, mothers unknowingly are feeding our sons’s needs in order to get on drugs or even sell them (shelter, phone and computers are their necessities if they sell and buy).
I am trapped as my ex is not on my same page but if you get along with your spouses and make a good team, you should do it. You will win this battle. He does not have to come back to you saying he changed his mind. He can do it for himself from scratch like many others did. They are men, not children anymore. My child says he will never die and who dies is because he is stupid and does not get informed and it’s the natural selection to keep the strongest alive. Well let’s put in action this selection from scratch because between us and them right now we are the strongest, right?
You might think they could go worse if you leave them on the street. What do you do if you have a big infection in your arm that can affect the whole body (see family, and your son)and make you die? You cut if off immediately! If you delay for his own good, you just make things worse.

I love my son very much, I raised him by myself giving up to my career as a biology researcher, but love and emotions have to be put aside to give way to a good reasoning. Just try to step back and see the whole problem like it involves somebody else and not your son and see what you would do when not emotions are involved.
Remember that life is based on consequences. If you do not allow consequences, problems would not be solved. No one would learn a lesson and everybody dies. God himself won’t help if he does not make sure they learn their lesson (does it make sense?).
Let’s have our sons learn a lesson kicking them out of the house so that they can learn the consequences and change their mind and only then God will help them.

All of you, if you have a great husband, you have better chances than I.
Be strong in your decisions and you will win this battle.
As for me, I first have to solve my ex problem and by that time I might have lost my battle BUT I am not giving up and I am cheering for you all girls! You can make it!!!

I am starting a mother’s chat at http://www.addict2addict.com.

I read a book several years ago called “Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children”, which is basically about tough love and also how to protect yourself from your adult child’s destructive behavior. Hard to read, and will probably be even harder for me to implement now that I am faced with it. My 29 year old son is on a bus coming to see me, after tripping out on crystal meth and having paranoid delusions. I have known since he was quite young that he has an addictive personality, and that as an adult he smoked pot and occasionally did other unknown drugs, which is bad enough in itself but also exacerbates his ADHD. And like other’s stories here, it has been a cycle of highs (doing great, trying to make it on his own w/o drugs) and lows (depressed, feels like a failure, shuts down, turns to drugs to “feel good”). But I have peace that although I might be end up saying “goodbye” to him for a season, he is in God’s hands. I’ll definitely come back here to read some more, it is SO helpful to know that others have gone through this, that I am not alone.

I too have an addicted son who carried his fathers coffin over 4 yrs ago from a drug overdose while his sister was in recovery after a bad break to her leg ruining her love for playing soccer in college. she is now 5 yrs sober. he joined the navy after high school then one day i got a call to say he was being kicked out for cocaine use. he came home to only hang in a neighborhood which is infested with oxy’s perks you name it. my struggle has been for three yrs now. he has stolen my wedding band after i was married only two months, presents from under our tree, countless things from his sister who has cystic fibrosis, all the while i ask where did this person come from, this child who worked three jobs in high school, who too had dreams of being a navy seal like his grandfather. he now walks and talks and lies like his father who is dead. i am so hurt now that i am beyond tears. today i through him out for yet again stealing from his sister and i. my marriage ended in less than a yr, i had no job for a short time and now am back to work, i was pennyless and he had no guilt when he took what little we had left whether of value or sentimental value. its all gone. my daughter who has CF is now crying because she is torn in that love hate. he has manipulated and stole from almost everyone in my family which is very large and has stolen from my best friends son. i asked myself how can i allow this behavior to go without consequence that is why he is now outside and only GOD CAN SAVE HIM AND HIMSELF. i have sent him to rehab twice, people set him up with a good job thinking maybe that is what he needed to be responsible, i too fear i will get a knock or a phone call like i did the day his dad died. i have nothing but my kids in life but he is not my son anymore in my eyes. he has become something i dont know. i understand this too well and have lived a lifetime of watching it destroy people. i am ashamed to say he is my child. i am embarrassed. i feel guilt but talk myself out of it. i am mostly sorry to the everyone he hurts for i can take the pain and loss he has taken from me, but i cant take the pain away from those i love. my home is now locked up and he is playing on his lil sisters sympathy to sneak him in to have a bed/floor to sleep on.

I have also just found out recently that my 29yr old son is addicted to crack. I am gutted!!! Him and his common law girlfriend had a house fire in 2010 (Christmas tree) So they came to live with me. They also have a son (4yrs old). I had suspected some pill usage at that time and confronted him on it but of course the pills that I found in my house belonged to someone else. They left my house on bad terms and I was shut out of their life for quite a few months. I was contacted via text messaging in March that he was in a bad way. I went to his home and was mortified at how he and his common law looked. I left after a brief visit in total disbelief that my son has allowed his life to get into such a state. Before all this he had a terrific job, they had a new home built after the fire, he had all the toys any young person would want, an amazing group of friends!!! As it stands now my husband and I have custody of his, now 5yr old, son. Their new home is up for sale, he walked away from his job with no explanation so it is considered job abandonment. I am terrified of the profit he will make from the sell of his home as I am pretty sure where that money will go although he assures me he will buy a new place. Very unlikely. In dealing with this situation I am no longer able to function as the person I was only 6 months ago. It is an overwhelming sadness and disappointment. Unlike some of you I do not feel embarassment, my heart has never felt so heavy (the loss of my father Christmas 2010 was devastating but this is worse). I am frightened in reading what you other mums have written as I cannot possibly imagine going through this for years!!! How do you survive? I made the decision this week to not make any contact with him. Should I receive a text from him I will make the decision to contact him depending on what the contents of the text are. We are in a tricky situation as we have his son…I have let him know I have an open door policy with regard to seeing him son and we also put call waiting on our phone so that there is always a way to talk to his son. That being said he has only called his son once and that was for his 5th birthday. I have written my son letters with the hope of casting his mind back to the young boy he was and the young man that he was and the incredible dad that he was but he doesn’t seem prepared to make any changes. Let’s please continue on this web page as support to one another because I’m sure NONE of us had imagined we would be in this place. May God give us the strength and direction we need. I pray for my son every night and I ask God to let him know how much he is loved……..I want/need my son to feel love. Thank you for allowing me to vent. God Bless!!!

my grandson has been an addict since he was 13 years old (he says) i have helped till i cannot any more has almost torn our family apart his mother has done the same so sad to see someone you love so much and you can’t fix it. right now he is doing good hope and pray he can stay this way,handsome man, 28 years old.

I love my brother, but I don’t like him, at this point, in his life. He is a liar, thief, master con-artist, self-centered/self-entitled and a manipulator. He accepts no accountablility for anything. Everyone else is the source of his problems, except him. My father died many years ago and left him a small inheritence. Since that time, my brother has squandered all of this money, which my parents designated for his college education and thereafter. He allowed people to use him and buy phony friends/women. Once he dwindled that, he began stealing money from my mother and stealing family possessions. He did this to support himself and his crack whore. During his first round of rehab, he lived with me. It was a bad experience. Now, its three years later and he is back again. This time is horrible. He attends an outpatient program, but I feel he needs longterm residential treatment. I tried to get him into such a program before, but he refused it. I cannot do this again, if he relapses. Prior to this episode, he vandalized my parent’s home. He claims he was angry, but I know he did it, in order to manipulated my mother, into giving him money. Any money he would receive would evaporate like water, because he gave it to the dealers. He lies to himself and disillusions himself, because the lies are easier. He does not want to confront the truths, about his behavior and be accountable. Its easier for him to live in his fictitious world, instead of facing the truth. I don’t talk much to him, because I feel I will just snap….inside, I am so angry and I want to just kick his ass. My sister feels sorry for him and says she isn’t angry with him, but I am. I can forgive, but I can’t forget. Anytime, he starts that manipulative bullshit, he disgusts me. I plan to attend a Naranon meeting, but something always comes up. I know I need help desperately. I have gained weight, feel depressed/tired constantly and bottom line, I am sick of taking care of him. However, the other reality is, if he was not here and in treatment, I know he would be dead or in jail….I know I can’t have it both ways. At the same time, I realize he has to dig himself out of this hogpen. Because, I can’t and will not remain, in this bottomless pit with him. I don’t know, if he realizes this is rock bottom for him….but I sure as hell know this is rock bottom for me. I don’t deserve to live like this nor does my family. I know I shouldn’t give up, on him, but what I am to do! I just don’t like, who and where he is. I’ve asked GOD, if this is who he is, help me accept it….instead of wanting him to be the man, who we all envisioned him to be, regardless of his potential and capabilities. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you for this site and your support.

Dear Ann,
Highlighting the extent of your brother’s addiction problems and his impact on the quality of yours and your family’s life, as you have here can be pretty upsetting. Let’s take a step back and breath consider that maybe it’s time to take stock of the damage done and it’s real impact on you.

You are angry – justifiably so, but it is taking its toll on you, causing you to lose perspective and control, and ultimately leading you to take the same old actions as you have in the past. But, that’s only going to get you the same old results – leading to more anger and so on, until it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, just as your brother “externalizes� blame on to others for his circumstances, your anger leads you to blame him for your not being able to pursue and fulfill your own needs and desires. It becomes a false belief that guarantees that you will stay trapped, angry and feeling more and more helpless.

While both, your brother’s drug use and his recovery are his responsibility, there are alternatives to the usual tactics that people use to try to get their loved ones sober that do not involve “detachment� or “tough love�, and that can improve the quality of your own life, and make recovery more attractive than continuing to use.

To that end, I invite you to call me the Parent Helpline (number below), where you can talk to a specialist who can help you to begin the process of figuring out how you and your brother influence each other and how that pattern can be modified to achieve different results.

The call is free, and anything you speak about will be held in the strictest of confidence. Until then, I wish you and your family all the best.

Jerry Otero MA
Parent Support Specialist
1-855-DRUGFREE (1-855-378-4373)

Thank you so much Jerry….your words have offered me insight. I will call and I AM going to a NAR-ANON meeting today.

Bless YOU

This is just heart-wrenching. I too have a 28 year old son that has been back living with us for 2 years now. He finished college, had a 4.2 high school average with honors, got a job, and then his life fell apart. He had been drinking alot and doing “recreational drugs”, but I was ignorant. Finally arrested for DUI, then again by DEA agents for oxycontin. There is an outstanding warrant for his arrest for not completing court classes. He is back using marijuana constantly and going through anywhere from 1-3 bottles of alcohol a day. He gets violent and emotionally mean to both his father and I. He has now threatened us that if he goes to jail, or if we kick him out then we will pay the price. He knows how to get into our house, despite locks, security, and cameras. My husband and I have attended support groups and have prayer groups – but I am so tired of living in fear of what condition my son will be in when I get home from work. He can be the best guy or the demon from Hell. When he is drunk/drinking there is no reasoning or talking with him – he knows just what can hurt us the most and will use that because he has no heart when he is under the influence. We pray constantly for relief. I keep telling myself that this is NOT MY SON – my son is no longer there and the drugs/alcohol have changed his brain cells making him into someone I don’t recognize. My heart hurts because I love my son still – and I just want the hope that someday the real Son will return.The problem is – he has NO INTENTION of changing and says he will never stop drugs and alcohol – this is who he is and he will never stop or change.

I am the mother of a 16 year old that is heading down a very destructive path. I see where it will lead and I live in fear of losing him to drugs etc… Don’t’ know what to do but pray. I love him so much but hate what he is doing with his life. He was such a sweet wonderful child, adolescent but when he went to live with his father all changed. Now I don’t even know him and he won’t speak to me. He is to busy doing drugs, drinking, sex, and could care less about me. This breaks a mothers heart like nothing I have experienced.

Dear Kim,

Research shows us that over 70% of teens recieving treatment for drug abuse, also report symptoms of co-occuring disorders like depression, generalized anxiety, and post-traumatic stress. Furthermore, many report victimization and suicidality. Additionally, externalizing disorders like conduct and attention-deficit disorders are common among drug using teens.

Evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist is appropriate for any child or adolescent with emotional and/or behavioral problems. I recommend that you consider this as a way of better understanding and educating yourself as to what may be going on with your child.

A comprehensive psychiatric evaluation should include the following:

•Description of present problems and symptoms
•Information about health, illness and treatment (both physical and psychiatric), including current medications
•Parent and family health and psychiatric histories
•Information about the child’s development
•Information about school and friends
•Information about family relationships
•Interview of the child or adolescent
•Interview of parents/guardians
•If needed, laboratory studies such as blood tests, x-rays, or special assessments (for example, psychological, educational, speech and language evaluation)

I want to also recommend that you get and read “Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening”. It is an amazing book written by Robert Meyers, and Brenda Wolfe, that has been described as “…a remarkably effective and gentle method for helping ‘unmotivated’ loved ones get into treatment”.

Finally, I want to invite you to call me at The Partnership at Drugfree.org’s Helpline (number below) where you can speak to a specialist who will help you to unravel your thoughts and feelings about this. The call is free and everything you speak about will be held in the strictest of confidence. When you call, you can ask for me directly.

Until then, I wish you and your family, all the best.

Jerry Otero MA
Parent Support Specialist
1-855-DRUGFREE (1-855-378-4373)

May GOD continue to Bless and Keep each one of us during our plight! My Lord- the agony of watching your loved one live “a drug/alcohol addicted life” is devastating! I’m trying to stay strong spiritually, but it hurts everywhere else! So many WHYs? My story is the same – handsome son suffering from abondonment from the non-attentive father. We had a good life, the two of us, he was actively involved – activities, sports, vacations – but nothing I did was enough. High school belonged to every influence and vice that fed his addictive behavior, and drugs, still not sure of what he is on. 3 years out of high school- running, living in the streets, leaving jobs, blowing every dime, lying, living the lie, stealing from my home, his grandparents home and stores and I’m finally out of denial. My daily Prayer is that GOD will protect him and set his mind on the things of Christ. May God Bless and keep all of us! Believe and have Faith in God! Read God’s Word daily and trust that God’s promises to us will come to pass! God Bless You! God Bless our children and every youth struggling with the addictions in their lives.

I TOO AM A WRECK – TRIED AN UNSUCCESSFUL INTERVENTION AND WAS FORCED TO SEND MY 27 YR OLD, METH, POTHEAD OUT OF MY HOME AS A TOUGH LOVE APPROACH. TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE “FAMILY DECESION” AS MY HANDS FEEL TIED. HOW CAN I HELP HIM WITH HIM BEING GONE. IT IS SO HARD. HE WAS DOING GOOD SINCE HIS LAST DRUG ISSUE WAS RESOLVED. THEN HIS GIRLFRIEND BROKE HIS HEART…DEPRESSION HIT AND HE IS ON AGAIN.
MY OLDER SON WHO EVEN HAS A SON, HAS THE SAME PROBLEM AND IS NOW IN JAIL FOR UNDER 1GRM OF POT AND UNDER 1GRM OF METH WITH IT. MY SON KNOWS OF HIS BIG BROTHERS LEGAL HELL BUT YET HE KEEPS USING. OUR HICK LITTLE COUNTY, RAN BY A LEGAL SYSTEM THAT SPITS ON THE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS OF THEIR CITIZENS, BY A JUDGE WHO DOES NOT STUDY HIS CASES, WHO RELIES ON THE OPINION OF A PROBATION OFFICER WHO DOES NOT DO HER JOB, IN MY CRAPPY STATE OF TEXAS HAS SENT MY OLDER SON TO JAIL, ON A WAITING LIST FOR SAFP. {WHICH BY THE WAY THE IGNORANT PROBATION OFFICER SWORE TO THE JUDGE THAT IMMEDIATE PLACEMENT WAS AVAILABLE FOR SAFP AND IT HAS BEEN A MONTH NOW} THE LEGAL SYSTEM IN MY GREAT TOWN STINKS, OUR JUDGE SERVES HARSHER PUNISHMENT THAN THE BIG CITY OF DALLAS 2 MINUTES AWAY. I KNOW FOR FACT.. THE SAME IDENTICAL SITUATION IN DALLAS WAS 10 DAYS IN JAIL–MY TOWN IS 9 MONTHS SAFP..LUCKY US not.
WELL I HAVE 4 KIDS: 2 SONS WITH DRUG PROBLEMS, MY DAUGHTER AND YOUNGEST SON DON’T…I LOVE THEM EQUALLY, JUST DISAPPOINTED WITH THE OLDER 2 SONS CHOICES. I AM SORRY THE DRUG ISSUES ARE TEARING UP MY FAMILY, I AM PRAYING FOR US ALL. I WANT THE DRUGS STOPPED. I AM SO ANGRY AT MY CHILDREN FOR LETTING DRUGS WIN. I HAVE SO MUCH HATE STORED..HATE FOR THE DRUGS FOR BEING AVAILABLE. HATE FOR THE LEGAL SYSTEM FOR BEING UNJUST, HATE FOR THE PRICE OF AN ATTORNY {ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THE LAW STATES YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LAWYER IN COURT EVEN THO MOST CASES HAVE A SET SCHEDULE THE JUDGE FOLLOWS AND YOU COULD REPRESENT YOURSELF BETTER}, HATE FOR THE POLICE FOR SEARCHING MY SON WITHOUT PROBABLE CAUSE, HATE FOR MY JUDGE WHO DIDN’T CARE ABOUT THE CASE, HATE FOR THE LAWYER WHO DIDN’T CROSS WITNESS THE TESTIMONIAL OF THE PROBATION OFFICER AND STAND UP FOR THE UNJUSTICE OF MY SON, HATE FOR THE PROBATION OFFICER WHO DID NOT DO HER JOB AND LIED TO THE JUDGE ABOUT THE CASE, HATE..HATE HATE.. I CANNOT RESPECT JUSTICE THAT IS BLIND. MY SONS HAVE DRUG ISSUES WHICH ARE LEGALLY CLASSIFIED AS A MENTAL ISSUE.. THEY DO NOT SELL DRUGS, STEAL OR HURT PEOPLE, THEY ARE NOT CRIMINALS..TEXAS LAW MAKES THEM FELONS FOR LIFE BECAUSE THEY WERE ARRESTED FOR POSSESSION FOR WHAT?? SELF MEDICATION? OR HURTING THEMSELVES? OR ENDANGERING THEMSELVES? OTHER STATES DO NOT LABEL YOU A FELON FOR THE SAME CRIME OF DOING DRUGS..SOME STATES EVEN DISPENSE MARIJUANA AS MEDICATION..HOW CAN THIS BE FAIR

All of these stories scare me so much. My college-age daughter’s ex-boyfriend is abusing marijuana and doing other drugs such as mushrooms and DMT. Her ex was clean-cut and had outstanding Christian values when he started college 2 years ago. He was a very nice guy, but was a little gullible at times. He joined a fraternity and they made the pledges smoke marijuana as a hazing ritual. Until 2 weeks ago, I had no idea there were any drugs in their lives. I thought they were still that nice, amazing couple.

Everything blew up during a short summer session in college. He was exposed to and befriended an extra wild group of people. His 2 classes were easy and he was able to party almost 24/7 with these people and caused fights with my daughter. He was rarely sober and wanted to be with them rather than her (she refused to hang out with them as a few had really bad reputations). He treated her so badly the whole time. Incidentally, these people did not expose him to new drugs – they just reinforced his drug and alcohol use.
Well my daughter was patient and thought he was just having a fun summer and things would get back to “normal� after the session ended. She was devasted when he broke up with her. She is a beautiful girl with a 4.0 average and many other honors. He had been so good and devoted to her and i was in shock myself. Through long talks (and secretly reading her many undeleted text messages), I’ve slowly gotten a good picture of their chaotic sophomore year. She has smoked a little marijuana herself and I’ve been watching her closely.
I don’t know if his parents have a clue. His mother even thinks his new friends are these great, fun people and feels my daughter is jealous and should lighten up. Although we’ve been great friends, I know she wouldn’t believe me, period. If I or my daughter showed her the texts, it would cause unbearable ugliness between my daughter and her ex. She still loves him and doesn’t want to risk upsetting him.

When they broke up, he’d told her he wanted to still be close friends because he didn’t want to lose her. She was so hurt at first that she would call and text him. He would then manipulate her and yank her chains since he had the upper hand. He told her they would never get back together but then call her 2 days later because he wanted to see her, etc. My daughter finally agreed with my husband and I that she must not communicate with or see her ex anymore. She told him they can be friends again when things are right with him.

My husband reached out to him by text hoping to talk to him. He used the excuse that he wants to explain why we won’t allow them to see each other (as friends). We don’t expect to hear back from him. It’s so sad – he used to be so respectful to adults and so dependable.
There is currently no way for me to find out whether his parents have finally been told about it. He was such a precious young man and I am really worried. How long should we sit by and just hope he gets help?

My sons Birthday is in two weeks. The anniversary of his death was July 7th onoe year ago. His battle is the same as you all mentioned with alcohol being his final drug of choice. He jumped a train after being drunk to see my grandson because he lost his license after 3 dui’s and serving 3 years in prison. He was out less than 5 months when the accident happened. We cremated what parts could be found in a remote area that is unreachable by vehicle. Keep praying for his sould. The drugs/alcohol are bigger than his love for anyone. No mother should have to read the report of their sons demise like this..But I made it through it with the help of the Creator who gave me my son to take care of for a little while..I’m not worried about him anymore. There are no more awful phone calls.. There is no way to feel about it except relief that it is finally over for him. You can’t do anything until the person sees the need to stop and then it will be a life long battle. You did your job..now you must let them go..and let them make a life or death decision. There really is no magic. God is received by many who have had this problem. Jesus does love them and he has done all that He can. He provided a way out for them..but they have to choose it over the evil world they are engulfed in and the addiction process is hard to undo..Only they can choose…don’t enable them to continue the problem by doing for them what they have to do and decide for themself. Some will make it…some will not..God alone is in control of life and death..and knows when to remove someone. It defies human understanding and evokes many emotions – But God is real.

I have two sons Josh 22 and Christopher 26 who are strung out on crystal meth and heroin. It has been a battle for about 3 years. I’m a recovering alcoholic of 19 years. I know what addiction is all about. I fought for my sobority went into a long term rehab back in 1987-88 plus with alot of prayer. Knowing through Gods Son Jesus he would walk with me every step of the way to get me where he wanted me in his plan. Now my sons are fighting the addictions but with hard drugs. I have had to be loving but firm. but,I still give in to them letting them at different times stay with me. They will not work or seek a job and the times they stay with me things turn up missing or they will eat me out of house and home.They play on my sympathy,one minute I will kick them out then my heart says their your sons. I’m a christian that wants to be a good mother and love her sons but I think,what is Jesus thinking of me. Is Christ looking down on me or is he accepting what I am doing as being right. I love my sons and I dont want them destroying there lives to a demonic drug.They wont go into treatment they wont go to support meetings. All I do is pray for them. All I can do is put them in the hands of God until they are ready for help.

I love my son.
I hate his addiction.
He was headed to rehab again.
He was trying so hard to beat this.
He went to a clinic since they keep telling him there are no beds avalable.
They gave him METHADONE and was NOT on heroin.
He went to sleep and never woke up.
19 years old.
R.I.P. Travis I will always love you.
Dad

What If there was no Jesus,no God to eventually turn to? What profoundly varied ways we suffers realize we are FORCED to let go–and Let GOD!!I thought I had endured the worst possible fate, gtowing up with no mother and dad raised me from birth? So easy to discount BLESSINGS upon us under seeming influence of the EVILS of God’s arch enemy,but,I simply cry out the NAMe of Jesus. Can most of be in such pain because OUR world has een shaken to its root because of such Racial hatred that it has been transformed into simple hate that is rooted into our lives and we do not FEEL or impart REAL love to our families, as we operate under facades of “OK” families until truth is outed in our Children’s “acting out” generations of quiet rage? We talk disparagingly of our neighbors,friends,family members–and “little ears” are intaking polite warped ideology and our own inner hatreds? FACT: Americans are too self absorbed to THINK before we speak and Polite discourses have given way to hostile expressions. Just listen to Political foes, sounds like our American system cannot function with civility–If it ever has. This stuff filters down to us all and undercuts real meaning by him who died on the cross. FORGIVENesS was/is the way. Forgiveness set me Free from these bizarre life situations we attach to concoctions that destroys innocent lives. Millionaires have contributed Millions to political campaigns–NOT a dime to suffering Americans. Our kids see that and idolize the “rich” while themselves contribute to downfall of FAMILY.How much better off IF MORE was offered to help offset emotional, mental problems REAL families endure. There is only ONE source of grief reduction, and HIS name is JESUS. Say it loudly,say it clear and may ALL children hear and discover how special EACH is to the ONE LIVING GOD.

The conflicted feelings of deep parental love and intense anger for the destruction that one person has caused are so painful and difficult to deal with. My 21 year old son had it all – looks, intelligence and charm. Although I love him, I have not liked him since he was 16. He started with pot and REALLY liked it . SO much that it was all he thought about and wanted to do. He became a monster- lying, disrespectful, defiant. Of course college came and went as other drugs entered the picture and his life (and ours) spiraled down. Just arrested for dealing coke,MDMA,pot and LSD. Idiot. Sitting in a county jail waiting to be sentenced for 3 felonies and blaming us for his situation. How can a parent cope? I am at my wits end and hold on to the fact that my two other kids are doing great. I pray the horrible person he has become is drug induced. Otherwise I fear for him forever. Anyone here have a positive experience with jail turning their kid around? Its hard this tough love thing…

My daughter who has a daughter 10 has been on drugs most of her adult life. I have done everything to help her. I have paid all her bills for two years. She has stolen from me. She says she is bipolar. She says she is in school. She is 33. I do help because of my granddaughter. No other relatives. I am tired of her using me but I can’t seem to quit helping thinking this will be the time she wii start over. She is a compulsive liar very street smart and runs around with trash. But she loves her daughter and my granddaughter loves her mom. If I turn my back I worry about my granddaughter. Who I can’t get because she doesn’t abuse her and can fool authorities. I don’t know what to do. I am going crazy

I have read enough, please read mine. My precious daughter roxxane was a wonderful, beautiful girl, she had a good job, and a group of boys Russian, that my son hung out with, started giving her this pill called oxycontin. she had no idea that if she stopped she’d get sick. My baby went thru hell, the withdrawls are worst than labor, to see her so sick killed me, she wanted off, went to a methadone clinic and was told after doing there 21 day detox they could no longer help her unless she had proof of being addicted for a year, I then took her to a clinic that was far away, I didn’t make enough money to get her there everyday, nobody in my family would help, I then found another dr who told her she needed to get into a pain clinic, she had been thrown out of a car by a guy she was seeing, her back,neck was messed up, this dr I called every week and I was told they couldn’t find a pain clinic that accepted medical, on September 29,2010 my baby girl was murdered, she was given a hot shot, she thought she was getting something for her withdrawls, she never used a needle, my life is a living nightmare, I blame myself, I look back and think had I somehow gotten the money to get her to that other methadone clinic she would still be here, I was only making 711.00 mo it didn’t last for the entire month just to keep our electricity bills on, food, GAS. I want to die, I want to give her my life, my breath, my heart, I am disabled due to cancer, post traumatic stress disorder, but after my mastectomy chemo, radiation, I was determined to live, I bought us a home in 1997, brand new, we had a good life, I don’t know how to live without her,she was found in her so called friends house with 3 telephone cords wrapped around her neck and throw over the door and tied to the doorknob, they called it a suicide but I have had 4 people come to me that I never knew telling me she was murdered, the police hate drug addicts, they don’t care, I lost my mind, lost our home in August 2012, now my only son is addicted to heroin, I have paid him to go to rehab and every time he wont go, I no longer give him money, I am sick to my stomach every day, I wake up feeling like vomiting, his addiction is because he is destroyed about our girl, he wont talk about sissy, my life is hell, my son went from a stealth young man to his beautiful brown eyes sunken in, dark circles under, skin n bones, I cook for him healthy meals, but I’m a mess, he verbally abuses me all day long, I’m called horrible names I am so depressed I put up with it because love knows no boundries. I know addiction is just like if he had cancer, you wouldn’t shame someone for that, its a disease, Ive gone to al anon, but my fear is he will die too, or lead this life of misery, his pain is my pain, I love him infinity, his father is worthless, doesn’t even bother to come down to talk to him, all he does is put him down, so to everyone, never give up on your child, they are a gift from Jehovah God, were there is life there is hope, if I could go back to before my daughter died I would rob a bank to get her to that clinic, I hate that I said how r we going to get you here everyday? I never gave up on her after that, but I still feel its my fault. I had to burry my baby girl, she had just turned 21, I have no family, my son is all I have. I will never give up on him, the problem is now I have the money to get him to that rehab roxxy was to go to, he wont go……what to do, I have though about calling the cops on him to get him court mandated drug treatment, all his friends that were on it have gotten off by going to jail. I’m going to find out if I call the cops the next time he uses will they mandate him to get help? I go to Roxxane’s grave weekly, all I do is cry, I know she is with Jehovah, she will be resurrected, I want everyone to know this system is ending, Satan wants our children, expecially those who love God, he wants to distract us so we don’t serve him, I pray for all of you, I pray for my Roxxane, my son, your children, as for me I go to bed crying for her, how she died kills me,my heart is broken, I loved that little girl of mine, she was my sun, moon & stars, we were so close, I never thought there was such evil people out there…Roxxane was such a sweet girl, everyone liked her, she was so beautiful, but inside she was too, that drug took over her soul, so don’t get mad at your addicted child, get mad at the addiction, there actions are not there fault, they are terrified of withdrawls, they steal so they wont get sick, would you be mad at someone who stole to get chemo? in all my horrors of horrors I never thought my life would end up this way, I love being a mom, people say to me you still have your son, that’s true and I thank God everyday for him, but now he’s sick too, same nightmare all over again. God help my son. God help me, God help us all, never give up on your child, if they die believe you me, your never the same, I cant even listen to music, everything reminds me of her, teenage dream reminds me of her, she should be out living her life she had, If it weren’t for my son I’d kill myself, the pain is too much to bear….

I too have been fighting addiction with my son since he was 14. He is now 21. It started off with allergy pills, to pot to pain pills and xanex and in the last 2 years turned to heroin. The roller coaster ride has been unimaginable and I totally understand everything said above and have been there. As a mom, we see our children as the sweet children we raised before the drugs and we hold on to what they were and not what they have become, I believe this is how and why we continue to enable without even realizing that is what we are doing. This is not something a band-aid can fix or an icecream to make them feel better. At the point of me hitting “my rock bottom” as an enabler, I have finally turned him over to God. I know his addiction is bigger than anything I can control or fix and I know the only one who can heal him is God himself. I pray my son be surrounded with God’s earthly angels.

I can’t explain the peace and rest I receive now in knowing God’s got this. When the emotions start to come over me and the anxiety of not knowing how he is, I have to pray and remind myself “God’s got this and I pray for God to control my fears and anxiety for my son and pray He puts me at rest in knowing He is with my son”. The anxiety and fear quickly leave me and I become at rest again.

My son is doing better and I just have to trust God’s word and trust God more than I trust myself.

I pray this right now for all of us in this blog and those who have not blogged that are going through the same battles. May God be with us all and surround all of our families, friends and loved ones with His angels and I pray they all Cry out to Jesus and turn their lives over to His will and see themselves as God see’s them. I pray God gives all us of strength, peace, wisdom, guidance and rest through these times.

My son started out in his teen years with alcohol. He was s total alcoholic with a girlfriend and two kids and no job. His father and I lived in hell till he was almost 25 years old. He was violent, destructive and completely out of control. He had been in jail before too for assault. I finally got the courage to kick him out of the house. It was the hardest thing to do. Two weeks after he was living on the streets he was shot in the back leaving him a paraplegic. I thought my world had ended. Over the years, the entire family helped him and his family with everything from money, furniture, food, you name it. He was busted for selling drugs and went to prison for 2 years. While he was gone, his girlfriend got hooked on heroin. You see where thus is going. When he was released from jail he reunited with his family. It has been 8 years now that my son and his girlfriend are full blown heroine addicts. Stealing, lying, cheating and pawning everything even all their children’s stuff. The get evicted over and over again, no electric, no gas, no food. My grand kids have lived in hell but the still want to be with their parents. I have tried getting guardianship two times with no success. I couldn’t afford a lawyer so did it on my own. My grand kids lived with me for two years while their parents were living out of a truck and motels. Mt kids never did without anything when growing up. We lived our kids and I tried to teach them right from wrong. My heart breaks everyday and I have finally had to stop any kind of help at all to stop enabling them. I love him so much and pray and cry a lot. My fear too is that knock on the door in the middle of the night.

I have read so many of the previous blogs and felt horrible connections to most. My story, as a mom, and the story of my son is not new. I think the only type of drugs he has not used are the type that are injected.
From a beautiful, intelligent, organized, athletic, hard working little fella, he, at the age of 16, began his journey of self destruction. At the current age of 19, he has many arrests and tickets, all for drug and/or alcohol, incidences, some very serious. On this past Monday while under the influence of alcohol, marijuana and cocaine, he smashed into the back of a semi-truck on the interstate. He left the scene of the accident and went home to his dad’s. He dad called me and I showed up with breathilizer and drug kits. His BAL registered .18, which is a great deal lower than other BAL’s I’ve gotten from him. His dad and I knew he had hit more than a stop sign as he reported to us. He willingly got into the car for me to take him to the hospital for inpatient rehab. When we arrived at the hospital, he went crazy and took off on foot running to one of the most drug infested areas of Columbia, SC. The police finally found him in a crack house. He was arrested. He was released on a PR Bond and agreed to go to rehab. He was admitted as a suicide patient, but is going to group counseling for both suicide and substance abuse. Last night during a visitation, he became (quietly) angry and verbally aggressive towards me, blaming everyone else for his woes. He also expressed extreme fear for a possible impending imprisonment. Additionally, he is rejecting the theories of the program. Of course, he knows it all already.
My heart aches. My heart aches for all of the missed opportunities, for the hopes and dreams I once had for my baby, for his fears, for my fears of his death and his imprisonment, for his sadness, for his pain.
I do so appreciate the perspective of Michelle, November 12, 2012 blogger, and I am borrowing her words of wisdom (next three paragraphs).

“I can’t explain the peace and rest I receive now in knowing God’s got this. When the emotions start to come over me and the anxiety of not knowing how he is, I have to pray and remind myself ‘God’s got this and I pray for God to control my fears and anxiety for my son and pray He puts me at rest in knowing He is with my son.’ The anxiety and fear quickly leave me and I become at rest again.

My son is doing better and I just have to trust God’s word and trust God more than I trust myself.

I pray this right now for all of us in this blog and those who have not blogged that are going through the same battles. May God be with us all and surround all of our families, friends and loved ones with His angels and I pray they all Cry out to Jesus and turn their lives over to His will and see themselves as God see’s them. I pray God gives all us of strength, peace, wisdom, guidance and rest through these times.”

Much love and many prayers for all of our children and for all of the parents out there who are suffering.

Dec 1, 2012

The Good Lord led me to this site. It reaffirms the understanding I have finally come through after dealing with my 32 year old sons drinking and drugging problems since 1999.

This is the crazy sweet lovable child who has always been on the go. Impulsive and hard headed but everyone loves him. Dad and I divorced right after M. graduated from high school,, tried to make his way through college but kept dropping out. Was full blown into ecxtasy with in a year but gave that up for primarily pot, meth and drinking. Has been to rehab twice and has stayed away from the meth but alcohol and pot are here to stay. They gradualy came back as he was living here at home finishing his associates degree. Hooked up with an old friend of his from the hard drug days ad realizes she is the love of his life. They moved in together 3 months ago but things quickly feel apart, both lost their jobs and and her probation officer blocked them from being together until they both complete anger management courses and attend regullar AAmeeting for 90 days.

So he is back with me for 90 days. Right when they get back together they will get married, because he knows a probation officer cannot keep them apart. They will struggle each with their own demons and I know I cannot prevent, solve or change this. I have put this all in gods hands. When he goes at the end of this 90 days he will ever come back into my house. I need a life and I am going to life it. I am 63 and want to enjoy the blessings and opportunities the good lord has provided me with. The struggle with Matt has been that opportunity for great spiritual growth. It is all on them.

Hopefully he will work this required AA course hard, I will even suggest out patient counseling for his bi-polar but it will be up to him to take it. I can do no more.

May God’s blessings be on all of you this holiday season.

Hi to all here. I have tears running down my face, I am gulping for air after reading these stories. You think you are the only parent with problems with their children.
41 years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was a bit of rebel in that he wouldn’t like to carry out any tasks asked of him. He wasn’t the brightest child at school and he left at age 15. We got him a job as a packer which he hated. In the meantime, he was a fantastic sportsman. In 1987, he was #2 in the world in 16 yo BMX. He flew to the USA for that event. In 1989, he became the World Open BMX Champion. In 1990 as he was preparing to make it his career and go to the US, he was hit by another rider and he was badly injured. A few yrs later, he took up Jet Skiing in which he excelled. By the age of 20, he owned his car, his jet ski, a motor bike, nice clothes and a few thousand dollars in his bank account.He admitted he had smoked some marijuana. Unbeknown to him and ourselves at the time, he had two bouts of glandular fever and he could apparently not get out of bed to go to work (by this age, he had become a dry wall plasterer). His “mates” suggested he try Speed which he did and then all the problems started.
A few yrs later after trying just about everything except Heroin and Ice, he was admitted to the Psych Ward at our local Hospital. They proceeded to drug him out to oblivion and then discharged him 3 weeks later. He rarely took drugs after that but he turned to alcohol. He met a girl whom we now realise was an alcoholic already and they became engaged. They were together for 13 yrs. When he left her, he still worried about her but he also kept drinking. He had a few nice clothes and his car which finally died. Money left to him by his still alive grandmother, enabled him to buy another car.
To cut a very very long story short, today, he lives with us and today, he keeps talking about taking his life. He has been diagnosed as schizophrenic, anxious and depressed. He has never physically hurt anyone. Yes, we too have had money stolen from us, goods stolen and hocked. Yes we have spent money on lawyers (for 1 DUI) and yes we have done the “tough love” by not feeding him unless he contributes, by trying to make him leave (he won’t). Yes he has cried and said there is something wrong with him. Yes he has said he wants to go to Rehab or Hospital but where do you start and will it help him? Yes I have prayed and prayed. He tells us we have a beautiful daughter (yes we do) and a long awaited grandson (yes we do) and a wonderful soninlaw (yes we do) but we want our son back. Will it happen? I don’t think so! I have a massive headache right now and I am at a loss as to what to do. I live in Australia.

Continuing on to this day, he has no money, very few shabby worn out items of clothing, a car that is leaking massive amounts of oil. He owns nothing!

Christmas Day is arriving soon and he won’t even part with $20 to buy his one and only nephew something for Christmas. He will spend it on alcohol and cigarettes though. He has an addictive personality. I am at a loss and my heart is breaking (if that is possible).
Good luck everyone, my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

searching on the internet again this evening for a source of light to help me with my 29 year old son who suffers from depression and drug addiction. He has no self worth, suicide and bodily harm threats are daily, blaming everyone else for his place in life. Blames me especially. No insurance. And I am now more confused and depleted than when i got on the computer. He has suffered the last 10 years and feeling helpless because he is an “adult”, i have absolutely no help from his father. Every imaginable drug or pain killer, he has done it, his most recent conquest is Adderall, the one bright spot, no alcohol, he doesnt like to drink, so i should be happy about that right? The anger, the rants, threats, unable to find a job, and feeling totally and completely helpless and in fear to even be around him, yet he portrays the beautiful smile and hazel eyes that melt my heart. I decided tonight i would keep searching and hoping that i will find a way for him. i cant give up. “yes, this is the one contact that will turn my sons life in a different direction”.
Thank you for being available to allow me to vent. I need to continue my search.

I read each and every story. As I sit here and read all these experiences I realize that I can’t even begin to remember all the horror stories in my home since my son , who is now 40, started his life of drug abuse at age 15. I too enabled him through the years, covered up for him, gave him money for one “emergency” after another. I can honestly say though that TODAY I have made up my mind that there is nothing more I can do to save him. He is what he is despite countless opportunities to turn his life around. He has caused my husband an I so much pain and grief through the years that it’s a miracle we are still together! Today we pledge to each other to take care of EACH other and let him go. Maybe into the streets, maybe to seek help on his own, but WHATEVER, we have HAD ENOUGH!!

I am a mother of a 17 yr old..getting ready to be 18 in a few months. He has been having problems for the last few years. In and out of jail. Smokes marijuana, drinks, does pills. He is in jail now, facing 10 chgs, 5 felonies, from where him and his “friend” took 5 klonopins each, and went out a broke into cars and stole items. Each time he gets out he says it will be different, it hasnt been different yet. I told him he couldnt stay in my home until he was willing to change, and this is what happened. He is an AMAZING boy, best heart in the world. Someone made a comment that people keep saying their kids are good, yet they keep doing the same thing…well, that because its an addiction. Not an excuse, the truth. I love him, but I am helpless to help him. There are really no programs to help…I cant force him into rehab….So all I can do is pray pray pray!!!!! He has stolen money from me time and time again. But no matter what I will love him, I will not enable him, but I will love him, and hopefully one day I will have my real son back!!

I’m sad. For almost 3 years my son has been doing anything he can get his hands on. These drugs make him a different person. He is facing a felony for geand theft Audi and 3 misdeaners for retail theft. I can’t stop him. He does drugs in my house. He is 19 and was fired from his job for drug use. I did get a curfew in effect at the last hearing, but he just gets his fix before 9:00 pm. I called the cops 3 days ago when I found him stoned in his room and a pipe. They came, he told them he smoked and they took him to jail for bail jumping. Bail is set for $250 cash now and another $250 in March, but they want to keep the money for his fines. My husband said “no” he won’t pay his fines. I haven’t talked to my son yet. That was a hard decision I had to make. I’m hurting. Anyone have any advice?

All of these stories sounds like our families. My son is 35 years old and his addiction has been going on for years now. As parents we have tried everything to help him. People say oh well you just have to let him fall and its on him. Well not so easy, because we are hurting so much seeing the destuction that his drug of choice is doing to him. Its heart breaking. With the lack of responsibility drug addicts have it is making i t so difficult for him to find work. With an already bad economy who wants to hire someone with his record from drug us. It’s difficult and good to read stories about what other families are going through. What is the answer, Lord knows we pray and do our best to keep going as a family. I feel sick inside with worrying about his decline in health.

I am so happy that I found this site. My addict is my son who is 23 yrs old and Percocets were his drug of choice. My mother and I have given him so much money for things lied to us about. My mother and I have prayed that God would do something. Well this past thanksgiving he stole jewelry from my mother and a friend of mine. The friend realized and got hers back but it was too late for my mom. My husband has had enough. He had him arrested and he has been in jail since Nov 24. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through but it had to be done. All the other times we let him slide. No more. He has served more time than anybody for his cgs but we want a court ordered rehab n parole to hold him accountable. To all the moms hang in get out of Gods way. Dont give up but have boundaries. I have gotten alot out of Naranon. Sometimes you have to look for the right group. We cant fix them you need to take care of yourself. I go through waves of emotions but I have to trust that God is working on him. I write every couple days as does alot of friends and family and offer words of envouragement. I have sent alot of books on recovery as well as a recovery bible. He has lots of time on his hands. Thanks all for sharing. I look forward to daily encouragement

I am so glad I found this website! Oh, my heart goes out to each oneof you. My heart is really broken, and at the same time, I am really angry with my son. After trying to help him grow up for years, he has stolen from me and all my relatives, has a meth problem, and the police are looking for him. I have been through hell with this child for over a decade. I honestly thougt about hanging myself. But life is good. There are too many depending on me in this world – and you, too, since I found ANYONE who can possibly understand how hard this is. The pain is fresh. This is new information. I’ve been a good parent. You’ve been good parents. I am hanging in. You hang in there, too. Take a hot bath, write a song, say a prayer, bake cookies, paint a picture. God bless you.

Dear Marilyn,

Dealing with a son or daughter’s drug addiction can be emotional and overwhelming; and you may feel that their addiction has taken over your life.

There are times when, even the strongest among us can become overwhelmed and not know which way to turn.

But, don’t despair, you are not alone!

Those times when things seem their bleakest and you feel that you just can’t take it anymore, why not call us at the Parent Helpline (number below) at The Partnership at Drugfree.org? The call is free and you will be able to speak to a trained parent support specialist who can help you to get through those toughest moments.

Of course, if you are in crisis and feeling like you want to hurt yourself or end it all, you don’t have to suffer alone. Call 911 to get emergency help.

Wishing you all the best, I remain, truly yours.

Jerry
Parent Support Specialist
The Partnership at Drugfree.org
1-855-DRUGFREE (1-855-378-4373)

My heart goes out to each of you. I have been dealing with a drug addicted son for over 11 years. He is now 32 years old and back in prison for the 2nd time. He is nothing like the person he used to be. He lies about everything, He has stolen everything from me, I have tried over and over to help him. I spent all of the money left for me from my parents to help him. Nothing has worked. He cannot hold down a job and if he told me the sky was blue I would have to go and look to see if it was the truth.

I am at my wits end with him. He is my only child. All my other living family has decided they no longer want him or me in their lives. They don’t want the bother. Just when I needed them the most…they all turned their back.

he is safely in prison again. When he is there I can breathe a little easier. But…he will get out again.

I have become afraid of him in the past few years. When he is high and needing more, he is beginning a path of being violent.

I don’t know what to do. Ive tried everything i know and im at the end of my rope.

Please say a prayer for me and him and I will pray for each of you.

Thank you all and God bless each of you

I am glad I accidentaly came across this site. I knew I was not alone, but have always felt judged any time I attempted to share or find support. I gave up years ago. My daughter is 29, and has been a heroin addict since 19. Her choices have driven a wedge between my husband and myself and the rest of our family. Our son, who does very well, rarely calls or visits because he can’t stand seeing what his sister has done to herself and us. She stole a bunch of money from aunts, cousins, etc. purses at the traditional family Christmas Eve party and so is not welcome in any of their homes or at any family functions. I will no longer go either as I am simple too embarrassed and have no clue what to even say to them. She has stolen many things from us, a lawnmower we got out of pawn three times in one summer, her dad’s wedding ring, many other things. She has let her friends in to steal from us and her brother from a very young age. She has stolen checks, forged my signature, and cleaned out our savings. We have helped her to the point of sending ourselves into bankruptcy with four years to go. Now we are in our 60′s and have no hope of every seeing retirement. She met up with an old guy who did nothing but mooch off her disability check and when that was gone mooch off us, just trying to keep her out of our home. Now she is back in our home and back to the same old games. I am full of anger and disgust. It is difficult for me to feel love for her. She lies about every single thing. She is abusive to us, physically, verbally and emotionally. I want her out of our lives but everything we have tried she comes right back, pushes her way in and refuses to leave. Calls and shows up at my job CONSTANTLY. Nothing for her to call me more than 100 times a day. I am terrified she will cause me to lose my job. I feel I am at the edge of the cliff hanging on by a thread. I just do not see any future, any peace, any happiness EVER for us. What kind of life is that?

My son, now 47 yrs old, I am ashamed to admit- has been on the same self destructive pattern as many of the others mentioned here. With him, this probably started when he was in his teens, but over the years has gradually taken over his life. In college,it was beer and pot smoking. He lacked 6 hours of credits to get his BA. After college he moved to Colorado and “finally” got a decent paying job, but partyed away his money while at the same time not taking responsiblity for his life. He bunked in with my older son so he could have cheap rent. He moved back to the state where I was living to hook up with an old girlfriend, but that didn’t work out. He took jobs as a head waiter and made good money but again, lived irresponsibly, going to bars, drinking, smoking dope, and living from place to place. He’d call when he got out of a job, and I’d come and get him, and he’d stay with me, til he could get another job. But it was like a revolving door for years. Then things got worse when he was charged with dealing pot. It wasn’t a huge amount, but he made a really “dumb” dealer because he got caught and busted. The upshot of that was a felony on his record and 3 and 1/2 months in a county jail. That cost my mom over $2,000 altogether. Funny thing is that when not using, he is the sweetest person with a magnetic personality but he has never excelled in life due to the lousy choices he’s made. About 8 yrs ago, he lived with me during that time, and worked a second rate job. I watched helplessly as he slipped into slow, black hole of depression and prescription drug and alcohol use. That ended with him getting fired for using on the job, During that time he wrecked 2 of our vehicles. I was literally beside myself not knowing what to do. I was a strong Christian, believe it or not. But looking back with hindsight, I realize I have been the one enabling him and never totally allowing him to hit bottom. Then things worsened and he began getting a series of DUI’s for drinking and controlled substance. I would bail him out of jail and he’d straighten up for awhile but then would repeat all over again. He never deliberately stole from or was verbally or physically abusive to me but he was spiraling out of control and downhill very fast. I would be in total fear everytime he left the house for fear of what he would do behind the wheel of a car. Finally, he did rear end a driver driving home one night. There was no harm to the other driver, or their vehicle but his truck was totalled and he came in the door with his face bloody and he was dazed. I finally got him to agree going to the ER. He had a concussion. About a month later he was arrested while driving, (DUI) and put in jail. I didn’t bail him out this time.The reason why is that I had already asked God only a week before to take this out of my hands, that I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was hard but I recognized it was the only and best thing I could do. In any case, by this time I was used up and drained of money from the previous years of enablement. I see now that this is what the LORD had wanted me to do the entire time. I see so clearly that as long as we enable our kids, they will never be forced to make different choices. And if you get in the way of allowing God to deal with your addicted kids, YOU can get hurt in the process, and we do, don’t we? We try to fix them, and we put a cushion under their bottoms, and try to throw money at the problem, but listen, this problem of life controlling addiction is something only God can fix. I will never call addiction a “disease” because the bible describes it very clearly as being a sin problem, and sin problems are something only God is in the business of fixing. My son has been in and out of county jails now, more times than I can remember, and in prison for a few months. It is a blessed relief that now that he is out, he is not living in my home. And I don’t want him in my home again where he could use or manipulate me by refusing to deal with his life issues. He is going to have to learn the hard way. He can go the easier way by repenting and allowing God to help him and if not, he will have to go the hard way by taking the consequences of his own choices, but I refuse to any longer enable him or get in between him and God. To those of you, like Beckie, you need to get a legal restraining order against your daughter to prevent you from continuing to abuse you, your friends or relatives. Yes, you can and should do this without having guilt or allowing her to guilt trip you. You can’t worry about making her angry at you…she’s already angry. It won’t make it any worse by using legal means to prevent her from entering your home, and stealing from you or calling your work.And if she breaks the restraining order, call her bluff and call the police. And don’t be scared or too intimidated to do it. Pray for God to give you the courage to stand up to her. She is bullying you. Yes, pray for her to be delivered from drugs, and her sin, which is what it is, and trust God to work this out in due time, but realize it may take time as she is forced to made it on her own financially without stealing from you. God can’t help you or your daughter as long as you continue to allow her to do these things to you. Let go and give her into God’s hands to deal with, but stop being victimized by her. This is your responsibility. It took me a long time to get this through my head but I feel so much more peace and empowered than I did before when I was at the place where I felt so helpless and enraged. Believe me, when these kids start suffering the consequences of their behavior and addictions,(SIN), that can bring them to repentance where they can see the need for God in their lives. Then and only then will things change for the better. It’s the ONLY WAY!
I truly like to read the testimonies here, where many have received healing and deliverance from drugs and other issues, and found the grace and healing power of Jesus:
http://www.testimonyshare.com/testimonies/deliverance/page/7/
God bless each and every one, you are in my prayers.
Scarlett

I hear you! My son is now 21 and I’m at juncture where he’s leaving the house.
Two things:

God often removes a person from your life for your protection. Think about that before you go running after them.

The most valuable places to be in the world:
are in someone’s Thoughts
in someone’s Prayers
and in someone’s Heart.

God give us courage to pray to keep our sanity and to remember that our kids made choices and only they can make the choice to get better!

Good article. I am going through some of these issues as well.
.

Thank you so much for sharing your heart wrenching situations. I am finally letting go of my son and not giving him any assistance. I have tried to “launch” him into life several times with lots of financial assistance, or moving back home. He can’t follow the rules and steels.
I love him dearly, but he hasn’t responded positively to my financial help. I have had a LOT more peace since I quit being financially responsible. I thought my son would be on the street, homeless ad freezing, But he got a job and found a place to live. He has tons to face from recent pettty theft charges, such as a can of tuna or a battary taken from a grocery store! (dumb bell!). He has alienated the whole extended family by stealing from most of them. It feels really shamefull. It’s comments like yours that make me feel better. We have been good parents. Not perfect, but the best we can be. Our kids just seem to march to a different drum. My son may never pull out of this, and I will have to go on with life and be a positive force, somehow. I teach music and see 170 young musicians a day, and yet, have a son who breaks my heart. I want to be there for those I serve, for my husband, and for myself.

God heals the broken heart. I will be praying for you.

I also feel for everyone going through this horrible pain of having a son addicted to drugs. My son is 40 years old and has been addicted to crack cocaine, and when that is not available he will take oxycodone a long as he can connect with someone who sells ir. this life is pure hell for anyone dealing with this behavior. When he has used crack he dissappears with my car for 3 days and will even turn it over to the dealer for more drugs. After that he will return home, sleep for three days and eat me out of hose and home spilling food on the floor and totaly disrespectful to my home and me. I absolutley despise drug dealers and the drug addicts that support them. I am not afraid of the dealers and addicts. I have approaced them driving a car in my name and got right in their face screaming to get out now and they took off. if they hurt me or shoot me at least this painful life will be over. Disgusted with this crap because my parents would have got the belt out and now with DCF these kids are all screwed up. Let the parents take control, not the kids. Wake up DCF

I also feel for everyone going through this horrible pain of having a son addicted to drugs. My son is 40 years old and has been addicted to crack cocaine, and when that is not available he will take oxycodone a long as he can connect with someone who sells it. This life is pure hell for anyone dealing with this behavior. When he has used crack he dissappears with my car for 3 days and will even turn it over to the dealer for more drugs. After that he will return home, sleep for three days and eat me out of house and home spilling food on the floor and totally disrespectful to my home and me. I absolutley despise drug dealers and the drug addicts that support them. I am not afraid of the dealers and addicts. I have approaced them driving a car in my name and got right in their face screaming to get out now and they took off. if they hurt me or shoot me at least this painful life will be over. Disgusted with this crap because my parents would have got the belt out and now with DCF these kids are all screwed up. Let the parents take control, not the kids. Wake up DCF

I was not the perfect parent. I have struggled with addiction and left my children in the process. At the time I thought that I was protecting them, but I now know that i was being selfish (which addicts are). My children were left with their abusive father for a while but ended up with my mother. As adults all three of my children have found me asking for my help. I was there for all of them and watched as they walked down the same road that I was once on. I was so overcome by guilt that I did everything to keep them out of trouble and safe no matter what their choices were. Over time my marriage failed, I was put in the hospital due to physical abuse by my children, my car was keyed and my windsheild was busted out. Two of my children are alcholoics and one is a drug addict. They have all stolen from me and lied to me. All three of children have children that they have no contact with. At some point I became numb to it. I quit helping. I no longer allowed them to call me in the middle of the night. I no longer allowed them to make me feel guilty for not being there for them as children. My heart breaks every day and I there are nights that I do not sleep. I have a great support group with wonderful friends, but they have never lived this life and have trouble understanding what it is like. One child has 12 felonies. One has ran away to the other side of the country and is in another rehab now. One has not spoken to me in two months. This is the one that concerns me that most. She was pregnant and drinking. She should have had the baby by now but I have been cut out of her life. I can only pray for my children and hope that they find the strength to pull themselves out of their addiction. It can be done…… I have been clean for 10 years now.

Wow, those stories are really tough situations. It is difficult to love a child and be angry at them at the same time. It is not easy to go on for years with dealing with this type of behavior. To me, it feels like post traumatic stress disorder. My X had some serious drug problems for a while. He has really turned his life around and works hard. I hope he continues to do well. We have both let go of our son because of his behavior. It is scary, but we have drained our resources to help him. Even if we were rich, we have been depriving him of the opportunity to find himself and struggle for his existance. I feel more peace. I made it through life with no help from my rich parents. Some days I didn’t know where my next meal was coming from. “That which does not kill you will make you stronger.” I want to forgive and let go, but not support my son by bailing him out of trouble, anymore!

i’ve been addicted to heroin and cocaine for 22 years using everyone of those day,you have to hit bottom sometimes 3-4 maybe 5 times to stop.i’ve been clean 8 months now my addiction has taken me places that i never thought i would go,did things i never thought i would do.my addiction became so complete that i refused to even look into a mirror,i couldn’t stand to see what i had become.it was a pure living circle of hell that you descend into and don’t even know it’s changing you into something vile and corrupt.you become enslaved to the drug and will pull any and everything around you into it and down.when the addication becomes complete you stop eating bathing changing your cloths you have no conscience your relationship are about getting your next shot of dope.it’s an endless cycle of hell that you can not stop.

i know you wont print my comment,these people need to know what there up against.

To Sad but true,
It is here in print and I thank you so much for sharing it. You will help many by sharing your story. Thank You. My Prayers are with you Always.

Thank you for sharing your story, Sad But True. I hope you continue to recover. Is there anything that leads one to the point of getting better? We all have addiction issues.
I have struggled with cigarette smoking over the years
My 27-year-old son now is getting into more trouble. Jail is becoming a real reality. I am worried for his present and future. A lot of doors have closed and dreams were unrealized.

I wake up at night and the problems with my son hit me in the face again and can’t sleep because of the worrying about all of this. I thought my only way out was for “me” to get out of this life because it’s so hard to watch and listen to all the lies for his drugs and alcohol and drinking and driving – he won’t listen to his parents and gets furious if we say anything.

Does anyone else out there HATE looking at Facebook and hearing other parents being so “proud” of their kids and all their accomplishments? I am so jelous of all these other parents who have absolutely no idea what we go through on a day to day basis with our children like this.

wow, this really made me think, I am like this son, my addictions are marijuanna and alchohol, im so tired of hurting those that care about me, and those that love me, especially my mama, i made her cry recently and now i feel like a total peice of crap, i need help, and i need to change, reading your perspective really made me think, and helped me to see what ive become, and what ive become in the eyes of my mama, im sure your son doesnt mean to hurt you, or make you cry, i know thats the last thing i want to do to my mama, and im sure if he could read this, it would open his eyes too, I wish i could stop this way of life and become that man the she raised me to be, thank you for sharing this with me.

What a bittersweet site to have stumbled upon. Scrolling up just a few, I can’t help but feel amused by Jeannette’s comment, because I can totally relate to the nauseating Facebook posts about my friend’s children who have grown up to be so accomplished, and picture’s of them married with beautiful grandchildren, blah, blah, blah, and the list goes on. Tomorrow my son will be 27, and was as you all describe, a beautiful child. However, I sensed by the age of two something wasn’t quite right, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. I am certain the person I am about to describe fits your son, daughter, or other family member. These are not individuals with below average intelligence. I am willing to bet like my son, they are extremely bright, very humorous, and big-hearted and loving when they don’t allow the demon to take over. I have to applaud the gentleman who wrote some ways up on this post whose son had died, and how he refused to come up with all these excuses we make as to why our children turned out as they did. I can only say that because I do and still to some point do the same thing. But at some point we have to stop allowing them to put us into financial ruin because they are con artists. They are our children and more than anything we want to believe them. But due to the nature of their condition they will lie, because they will do whatever it takes to get what they want. I am the first to admit that I was a real softie raising both my son and daughter, who is almost 20. Both of them have told me if I had been stricter they wouldn’t be the way they are. I’m sure all of you have been participants in the blame game. I have made a lot of mistakes as a parent, but one thing I know for a fact is that I did the best I could, and showed them how much I loved them. When we allow the “G” word to impose itself upon us, that is the most toxic thing we can do. Guilt is almost as damaging as their addiction. If we allow oursevles to be consumed by it, it can kill us. I have finally come to the realization that they are the ones who choose to take the poison, and that is not my fault. My son was in jail for a year, and I can honestly say that was the most relaxed I had been in a long time. I knew where he was, and actually he seemed to function better in a facility with routine. During his meth-induced alcohol states he turned into a monster, and my daughter and I locked ourselves in another room, terrified he would try and kill us. Sometimes we were so mentally tortured we literally prayed he would be in prison forever, or worse yet, die. Not only is my son an addict, he is a criminal, a convicted felon. I told him not long ago that he knew right from wrong and could choose to do what was right. He just shrugged and said, “This is all I know. This is my life.” …and my reply was, “Well this is not my life and I don’t have to watch you ruin yours.” He currently lives with my parents and I have begged them many times not to let him in because he will drain them financially, but they won’t listen. My mom even went behind my back and hired an attorney so he got out of jail sooner than he should have. I love my son with all my heart, but know that the more distance I put between us and the less I see him, the less my heart is broken. We only have one life, and I am determined to live the rest of my years in the most positive manner possible. I have to let go and allow God to step in and pray without ceasing. That is probably the best thing any of us can do for our children and ourselves…..and the other loved ones in our lives who are not users and deserve our love and attention. I pray for all your children, and that you will find the peace in your life to start living for you. We cannot control what our children do in their lives, but we can control how we react and whether we wish to live in constant worry, or hand it over to God and then find that thing whether it is gardening, art, etc. and re-ignite our passion. Sometimes I find myself feeling the “G” word when I am feeling happy because we are conditioned not to feel that way when others our suffering. Ironically enough, if you start living and enjoying your life again as you deserve, some amazing things start to materialize in your life. Gold Bless You All

My son is an addict. I didn’t know this until 2008 when
he was 24. Prior to that he was working and paying his bills. He is now taking oxycontin daily and has a full blown
addiction. He tries to cut down on the amount he takes but
if he gets more money than usual he takes more and gets his
addiction back stronger than ever. He has stolen my jewelry
3-4 different times. One time taking 12 pieces at once
and wouldn’t tell me what he did with it just saying he
didn’t take it. Our house hadn’t been broken into and there
was alot left. Anyway he doesn’t want help. He asked my
mother, his grandmother for money everyday and has brought
her bank acct down to nearly nothing. I want to put him
out of my house but he has a back issue and my mother says
I shouldn’t. I just discovered two days ago that he stoled
another pair of my gold earrings. I do not trust him. It
also makes me angry with him. I don’t think he wants to
stop. I read so many of the blogs here and they are so
sad. I hate this thing called drug addiction. It is
nothing but straight from the devil in hell.

I read a great book lately that was so helpful. If you are grief stricken, the book “Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Child” by Allison Bottke is a great read. She has an incredible story, herself, that is just as painful as many of ours. We can still have a life. God bless all of you.

The stories on this site have helped me a lot. I found out my son was addicted to Oxycontin about 2 years ago and its been a very hard path. He is 22. He got off the oxycontin and got on a suboxin program. He was very down on himself and ashamed and it took a lot of family support to help him see he is loved and valued and not a looser and worth fighting for. He got kicked out of the program but still takes the suboxone and has lowerd his dose quite a bit. Once we got him to be honest with everything without fear of judgment or anger things really improved and he went from I can control my addiction by taking some drugs, to I want to stop all drugs. It was his decision and while we all told him we love him we didn’t tell him what to do, or how. We let him talk a lot and asked him questions that led him to see what we see. We talk every day, sometimes for hours and it really helps. Now he has a job for the last 2.5 months and a car he maintains well. He says his friends notice he is happier and hes doing 80% better but not out of the woods yet. He says its hard to be around his friends because most of them use and are offended that hes quiting. He says hes tried to help a couple and one told him thanks for not telling me what to do but telling me how you feel better and seeing how your better is making me want to stop. He has a lot of anxiety but is hoping to stop using suboxone by Christmas. Please pray for us as I will for you, and hopefully I will have better news to post in the future.

My son has been an addict since 16, he is 34 an has two beautiful daughters.He has stolen everything I have had that is worth anything .He has wreck, torn up lost 5 cars that I have had.Im single parent an I have 3 sons.Every time I try to trust him its always the same.he has got me in such a financial wreck I will never be ok.Im 63 an my heart hurts soo bad I seem to cry most of the time.I have to make a choice I have other family members that I need to enjoy.When he is good he is the most wonderful person you could know, but when bad Im scare of him an he is a very mean person.Im driving my suv right now with the shift broke off. He got mad an just broke it off an sayes he dont remember.One day Im afraid what he might do.I love him with all my heart, his father remarried an has nothing to do with any of our sons.His loss.I left him for hitting me an mentally torture.Cant divorce your children.He has been in jail , rehab an comes out looking an feeling great he is such a nice looking man. In less of a month he is back to his old way.My poor mother is 88 an worries about me .I hate that She shouldnt have to worry like that.I HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE OF MY LIFE OR HIS..

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Welcome to Intervene. We are a community of experts, parents and caring adults concerned about our teens’ alcohol and drug use and have come together to share our insights, inspiration, guidance and help.

A free service to help you determine if alcohol may be harming your health or putting you at risk.

• Help Stop Urban Outfitters From Selling Products That Promote Medicine Abuse
• Teaching My Daughters to Think and Feel for Themselves
• Addiction Treatment: How Can We Make Things Better? A Q&A with Maia Szalavitz, Part IV
• Medication-Assisted Treatment and Other Changes in the Addiction Field: A Q&A with Maia Szalavitz, Part III
• Finding Addiction Treatment for Your Child: A Q&A with Maia Szalavitz, Part II

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