A Mother's Love and Hate for Her Addicted Son | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

Alcohol, Cocaine, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Recovery & Relapse:

A Mother’s Love and Hate for Her Addicted Son

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

My son, in his late 20s, is a wonderful young man. He is the kind of son every mother dreams of — caring, loving, always doing the right thing, and he would do everything and anything to help you.

Then without any type of warning, when he drinks and does his drug of choice, there are no boundaries in his life and he becomes a person I don’t even know. Even his facial expression changes and he does not even look like my son.

My son will work his fool head off to help out. He’ll go that extra mile just to find that one item on your wish list. He enjoys all sports but his favorite is NASCAR and he could watch it from morning till night. He adores his nieces and nephews. He can make you laugh when you’re down or sit and hold your hand when things get rough. He would love to have a family to call his own, but just can’t seem to find that one person who would love him.

I watched a beautiful baby boy grow from a sweet innocent bundle of joy to a mischievous little boy. Doing all the things that little boys do. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that one day a horrible disease would strike this child and turn him in to a monster.

As a teenager I saw changes but thought that it was just typical teenage behavior. But as days and weeks went by the typical turned into worry, and worry to fear, and that fear into desperation.

It began with small things, until the addiction enveloped his entire life. Then it was all about how to get the money for the drugs; where to get the drugs; and then how to do the drug but not let anyone know you have.

My son has an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. He has no job, no insurance and feels so worthless.

He has become a liar, a thief and a full-blown drug addict. His cocaine addiction began back when he was only 17, his alcohol addiction did not start till he was almost 22. He had 5 years clean at the time and was doing really well. But that legal drug, alcohol — and thinking that just one wouldn’t hurt — took him right back to his drug of choice. It all hits the same part of the brain. Addiction is a brain disease.

Parents, believe me when I tell you that the roller coaster ride is unbelievable, the pain you endure is unimaginable. Yet the world expects you to go on like nothing has happened. Families are destroyed, and those who have no clue about the devastation of this disease are always quick to put you down or blame you.

I am and always was a good parent, even without a handbook. I prayed, and did all the right things. I was guided by specialists and really believed in them. I made sure I knew about all the childhood diseases, but no one ever told me about the one that is more silent then others. The one that can take a child’s life from you without you even knowing it — the disease of addiction. It creeps into your life and destroys your entire family and leaves you with pain loss.

The pushers and dealers get richer and richer, they get your hard earned cash, your laptops your digital cameras, your jewelry, your family heirlooms — nothing is beyond them. They have no conscience. They don’t care what their junkie brings to them as long as it’s worth something. The addict will bring the dealer a thousand dollar laptop and the dealer will give him two $10 bags in return. And when that addict walks away, the dealer laughs and thinks, what a fool.

Each and every one of these “addicts” deserves the chance at recovery. There are great people in recovery out there working very hard every day to make this world a better place.

I will continue my fight for my child, I will swallow the pain and turn him in, see him in jail if that’s what it takes. I just do not want to bury my child.

I know today what is really meant by a broken heart.

Print This Post

Posted by Kathleen A. Larsen-Dobbs | Filed under Alcohol, Cocaine, Dealing with an Addicted Child, Recovery & Relapse

Kathleen,
You are so strong to admit the love/hate relationship. I also felt this way plus add a lot of anger into the mix for me. As you know, I did bury my child. Now I can only hate the disease and love the memory. Keep up your strength. I don’t know you well but I can see that you have been and are a good Mother and just an overall good person. Thank you for trying to help and make a difference.
With love & respect,
Nancy Joyce
nancy@canuhearme.org

Oh my gosh…. you are citing my story. My son is 31 years old and when I read your story, all of it is so familiar to me. We have told my son he needs help until we are blue in the face. He has overdosed at least three times if not more. He does good for a while and then he goes back to the same old thing, drugs. He is on methadone, but I know that he is abusing it. He takes what he needs to make it and sells the rest for pills. He is not the baby I brought into this world. This disease they call drug addiction is nothing I would wish on my worst enemy. I know that he will either end up in jail or I will have to bury him. Until he is ready for help, there is nothing I can do for him. He will have to hit rock bottom, i am afraid and as a mother it is so hard to stand by and watch your child do this to themselves. Kathleen, I have walked your shoes many miles but yet I know there has to be something or someone out there that can help him. I pray every day that the Lord takes care of him and he is in his hands. May God bless us all!

I am starting this process and find your blog very helpful! Thank you for the words that will help me!

O.K., so I have known about my 27 year old son’s drug (heroin) addiction for a year now; came out of the blue, although we knew he was doing some kind of recreational drugs. He has not lived with me for many years, but I took him back home 3 times and it was like living with a stranger. He and his drug and his drug addicted girlfriend live a life I can only imagine. I had him in my home for 2 weeks recently. Lied and stole from me, all the while acting like he wanted to start over. Where my wonderful son went to I don’t know. He wanted to be a teacher and save the world and now he has not worked in a year, and has turned into a drug addicted bum.
Mothers, stay strong - we love our “lost” children, but we cannot let it ruin our families. Be strong for your other children, husband, etc because they need you more than ever. Hope tough love will work with the addict, but do not let the stress of their distress eat you alive. I have learned it the hard way and have chosen to have peace & happiness as best I can despite his problems. And, of course, I will always love him and hope he can make his life better somehow.

Thank you for the little bit of insight you have shared. My son, 20, is now in jail. He is in denial that he needs help. He was diagnosed bipolar but I believe he is addicted to meth or some type of drug that gives you all the symptoms of meth/bipolar behavior. Lying, stealing, won’t work, entitlement issues, aggressive, angry, just walked away from college with 3 weeks left to semester. I had him arrested 10 days ago for stealing jewelry, laptops and phones from our home. It was a horrible scene when he ran from the cops and they drug him out of our woods. He will not allow any one to see him in jail and refuses to get help. I am fearful the drug has got him good and he will do anything for it. Although the experts say he was bipolar, and this may be true, I see a drug addiction as well. I know the two diagnoses are similar but with bipolar you don’t usually be come a criminal unless you are abusing drugs. I am in constant prayer that God keeps me strong so I can show him tough love. I don’t want him to be 25 and we are still dealing with it and if I continue to enable him that’s where we will be. I pray his bottom comes sooner then later and he gets help or gets clean! God is in control~

As a mother of a 25 year old addicted to heroin, I feel the pain. My son was a college student 6 classes away from graduating with a Bachelors degree. In the past year I have watched him go from a responsible loving, logical young man to a college dropout that steals, lies asks complete strangers for money. I am angry at the dealers that supply the drugs. I never dreamed that my loving little boy whose eyes sparkled when he smiled would end up an addict at age 25. I love my son and hate that his life has taken this turn. I know his poor choices got him where he is but I am sure like most young people, his goals in life did not include being an addict.

Oh my gosh…these are my same stories. It is destroying my life. My son is 28 years old and I don’t know how to separate what is happening to him from my happiness. It is destroying our family. I spent my entire life being a mom to my children and don’t know how to let go and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t sleep for the worry. There is anger involved, too. I don’t know what to say to him or to do for him any more. On the one hand, I want to see him to make sure the he is alright but when I see him I don’t know how to control my feelings of sadness and disappontment. Does this make me a bad mother? I never realized how much my happiness was attached to how well my children were doing? How do I separate myself from that?

I feel each and everyone of you guys pain. I have a 23 year son with an addictive personality. The doctor’s say he is bi-polar also. He has been in and out of psych wards and rehabs since he was 17 years old. Overdosed several times. His latest drugs of choice have been weed and robitussin, i hate that crap! it should be illegal to sale. We have tried everything, taking things away, talking, crying, begging, praying, ignoring…what to do?? My 27 year old female cousin died last night, christmas night, of an overdose, she leaves behind 3 small children…Bless you all

I have a 20 year old son who is currently in rehab out of state. He is due to come home on January 9th, Yesterday he asked me if he could spend the night there and then come home on the 10th, Why would he want to do this except to have a last use? He met some bad boys in rehab who life in Florida and gravitated to them. I think he probably has plans to meet with them after he gets out. I let his therapist know that he said these things to me and we will hopefully nip these thoughts in the bud. Now I’m afraid that he is not sincere in his recovery, He is addicted to heroin and alcohol and I think he feels that he can still drink in moderation. I’m going to my second alanon meeting tonight, I need to stay strong for my husband and two daughters. I’m so angry and disappointed right now, We don’t have the money to keep sending him to rehab (this is his 2nd), He also was in a halfway house for 45 days but relapsed (with booze) twice. I’m really scared, Any suggestions?

I have been crying all day. Which is tough to do at work. I have a 20 yr old son, prescription med addict, xanax’s, and lord knows what else. He is my only child. He has been in and out of the court system for the past few yrs and he got out this last time in September. He had all the good intentions, he can be a loving, gentle kid…but yesterday he called me and told me had went back to using and had stolen all the money out of the Christmas cards at his fathers home. He sealed the envelopes back and he didn’t know how to tell his father. I just brock down. This is so painful that I think I am going to die. Why couldn’t God just take me and leave him alone???? He’s run away now, cause he is ashamed. I don’t know if he is ok. Jail would be a relief. It’s like a part of me has died and there is nothing but sadness. I can’t imagine feeling this way forever. I can’t. I must let go like you all have said. Separate myself. It’s just so hard. Thank you, I know i am not alone.

I am a mother of a beautiful 25 yr old daughter (only child) who is addicted to crack and I do not know what else. My daughter is a massage therapist and a mother. My daughter has left her child, has lived on the streets for months nothing is more important than her addiction. My daughter has spent time in jail once for 18 days and then the next month 28 days. I do not believe that I have ever felt such hopelessness. I have attempted to intervene and not to enable her. It is so hard to help someone when they do not see or want to admit that their is a problem or maybe just does not want to stop using. I took her to a court ordered substance abuse evaluation and a intake mtg to rehab ctr. on Dec.23, of which I am sure that she sugar coated. No one ever once asked me any questions at either of these mtgs. I’m quite sure that is the way she wanted it also. Only now to sit and wait for an individual treatment plan for her. Only to pray that nothing happens to her while they attempt to create this plan or referral for inpatient. My life is greatly affected by my daughters absence. I miss my daughter. My life is not whole without her in it.

I read your notes with tears running down my face; knowing that I could have written so much of it. My daughter is 20 yrs old, and showed up 4 hrs late on Christmas Eve, high on something, I am guessing hydrocodone or oxycodone. That was it, the moment that I really started the process of letting go. It is so hard. I am an RN. I heal people. But, I cannot heal my own daughter. Your notes help me. I am not alone. It isn’t my fault. All we can do is let go and find happiness everyday. Live. Laugh. Love.

You totally described my son, and I buried him of a methadone overdose 5 yrs ago this Oct. His Dr. was mailing him 90 Methadone pills a month..even after I begged him to stop! My son was 36, and left behind a young daughter.
Until SOMEone alerts the media about Doctors being worse “drug dealers” than the “illegal dealers”, and until something is done….there will be many many more addicts buried!

I was just surfing the net looking for suggestions of what I might write to my 21 year old son who is incarcerated and in the facilities “drug rehab” program. I came across this website and read your comments and wondered how many mothers are there like us??? It’s heartbreaking to find I have so much “company”…

When I visited him last weekend he told me he will never stop using, and that he wishes he had chosen regular jail over the treatment program. He has been using since he was 14, was in the State Prison for 18 months (age 19 to 20 1/2). And still doesn’t see a connection between his choice to use drugs and alcohol, and the “state” of his life.

A year out of prison and still on parole, he discovered meth. (previously he smoked pot and occasionally drank alcohol) In just a matter of a few weeks he lost everything. The business he was building with my father, (his job AND his future), his vehicle (company truck), his income (no unemployment for former owners who are voted out…) his girlfriend, his grandparents (who ended up moving out of state out of fear of his anger over being dismissed from the family business…)

I feel terrible because I can’t think of a single thing to tell him that will make him feel better. He doesn’t want to hear that any of this was caused by his own poor choices.. as he fumes with rage at everyone else who ruined HIS life… He says he can’t imagine that life would be worth living knowing he could never smoke a joint or drink a cold beer again…

As someone who doesn’t drink, smoke, or use anything stronger than tylenol… I just can’t relate to this point of view. I know he’s hurting inside.. (abandoned by his father, and I know that he longs for friends (he lost the good ones when he started using, and now can only attract other addicts for friends…) and the fun of being a young adult… instead of being a young adult on parole with 3 felony convictions, none of which were HIS fault, little education, and in debt from his gambling, and substance use.

How do you support your child when his goals are to continue down the path of destruction? He tells me he’s sick of seeing me because I’m so down and depressed… He only wants $$ from me, and sympathy. I refuse to give him $$, so he shuts me out.

I don’t know how to help him, and I feel guilty for the anger and resentment I feels towards him for disrespecting me (and my values) and chosing a path that will evetually tear us completely apart. I understand now why there are so few family members in the group treatment sessions… I wonder how long it takes before families just give up?

I feel more peaceful and am so thankful to God knowing now that I am not alone. I came across this site and cried with all of you, as we’re all brave parents sharing our stories about our beloved children who have made some wrong choices in life. Please friends (for our drug addicted children)DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE, NOR LOOSE HEART. The God we’re praying to understands our pain more than anyone else. We must not be guilty and blame ourselves upon the wrong choices our children made. If we had brought them in God’s ways and discipline them righteously while they were young, then God is pleased that we had done our duties as christian parents. Now we cannot break them from their own wrong turns, but God alone, because they are His children - they’re not ours though they are rebellious, it’s God’s work now transform them. All we can do is to accept the life they choose to live and keep loving them as they are, until we see the light of Christ will bring them back home (to GOD and us). Let go, and let God takes control, not only the lives of our lost children but for ourselves too to find His Peace in our hearts and stay strong. Lets trust the Lord through our daily prayers, focus to Him and not upon the lost child … Rejoice in the Lord and be thankful for our pain which makes us grow more stronger for each member of our families (include our lost/drug addicted child). Hurting Friends, you will be remembered in my prayers too. For Christ’s Sake!

My heart goes out to every mom and family who is going through this diabolical curse of addiction. I too, suffer with my 32 yr. old son’s crack addiction. Needless to say, the lying and stealing from their own family is cause for despair, anger, sadness and shame. Letting go and letting God has not been easy. My concern and advise has been rebuffed and his path of destruction hurts everyone that loves him. They turn into demons, enraged with words that put a knife through my heart. It is not him, but his sick personality distorted by drugs. May God give all the mothers the faith and strength to carry on and never give up your prayers for your lost sons or daughters.

I have a 28 y/o supposedly recovered heroin addicted daughter, who came to live with me from rehab. last July. She really seemed like this was the time she’d make it. As things didn’t go her way, like getting a job. things began to go down. She suffers from depression too, and my husband and I found my jewelry missing. She finally confessed. She’s on probation and we tried to get her help. Her probation officer said she needs to get back into treatment then sober living, so we started looking. In the mean time she stole more and is now on the run because the detective who’s on the case wanted to interview her. She listens to so called friends before us..She says non of her friends parents would ever turn them in. No matter how much we tell her it’s to get her more help, the faster she runs. Now I don’t know where she is, if she’s clean and I’m slowly dieing inside. She’s done this to everyone in the family. I love her and want to help her but can’t. Someone told me that I need to get out of God’s way so He can work on her. Was I wrong to call the probation officer???

Hello everyone and thank you for sharing as I can draw strength and encouragement (especially from Tali) My son is 23 years old raised to have a relationship with God and I too must learn to let go and stay out of Gods way, if anyone has any words for me please tell me because I need help to do this (alanon hasn’t really helped me, believe me I did my best for it to embrace it) I seem to be at the worst of it now as he can;t go much longer the way he is going, by that I mean getting his 3rd dui only having his lincense back for 12 days, not working but has unempl. because he has a solid work hisory. He never drank a little bit but just downs bottles of striat alcolhal by himself, drives all over the place plays poker at casinos and has had many near death hospitalizations from drinking. I finally text messaged him that i have changed and I am not going to let him do this to me (health conditions gets worse as I have m.s. and husband has real high blood press) he has had conversations with bad voices in his head ( and soo much more unable to write) He is next door where drugs and alcohal are daily lifestyles and I’m trying to brace myself for what comes next as you can see my delima I need to let go Help Help Help!!!

I know the feeling of pain in your heart. It felt like a knife cutting it. And then it would heal but when he relapsed again the cut that was there would open up and I would have to heal again. But now I don’t have that sharp pain anymore. I have realized thru prayer and a lot of reading and advice that I can’t get my old hopes up only to be let down. I have hopes of a different kind now. I pray that God will keep my son in His hands and help him to feel His love and give him strength to see that he is a good person and that he is loved so much. I feel relieved that I have given my son to God knowing I can’t try to do it anymore. I have apoligized to my son for all the times I have tried to help him only enabling him more. I told him that only prolonged his disease and mine for thinking I could make a difference. It is a hard fight and I pray that all of you can soon feel relief and peace.

How my heart hurts as I read this article…I had that very same son…loving, handsome. well educated,…the pride of his mom til Sept 13 2009 when his fiance found him dead….the joy of my life, my every breath, my only child taken….from drug and alcohol abuse at age 33….what a rollercoaster love hate relationship …I am not certain how I will ever recover from this

My heart hurts for every mom that is dealing with an addicted child. My 24 year old son is addicted to meth. He is facing serious charges and prison time. His addition has financially ruined me through stolen credit cards, attorney fees, ect. I am raising his son and he currently has a son who was born premature and in ICU. I don’t think I have the energy to raise it also. I pray and believe but somedays I feel as if I can’t go on anymore. I wish there could be just a small break to gain my strenght back. I tried to be the best mom possible, taking my children to church ect. I feel guiltly about the addiction, why didn’t I see it sooner, why can’t I save my child. I am angered addiction has stolen my child. He was introduced to the drug by my nephew at my brothers home when he was only 13. I thought my brothers home was safe. I am just so angry. My heart goes out to you all.

I have a 19 year old son who turned 19 on Feb. 23rd. I am expecting a call today from his primary therapist in the 30 day in patient program that he entered last Friday. The last four months have been a blurr. His father passed away when he was 15 of a cocaine overdose. We were divorced and I was totally unaware that he was using or abusing drugs. I tried everything I could to get my son to go to counseling, but he absolutely refused. I thought that I could get him through this period with enouch love and support. I put him into a private school closer to my home. He trived and was a great kid, never broke curfew, had great friends, lived a transparent life that was free of drugs and alcohol.

Chris only stayed in touch with his best friend whose girlfriend got pregnant just after his friend turned 18. Chris saw and spoke with his best friend very infreqently because he was busy with his new friends and school. His friend approached my husband and I asking for a job. We hired him, we help him get into an apartment, furnished his apartment, nursery and purchased any and everything he would need for the baby so he could get a good start. He was very young and made many stupid financial decisions. His mother and I both helped him. Little did we know that this kid was going out every night partying with his friends from his old school. He was drinking and taking any drugs he could get his hands on. He started missing work on Mondays, coming in late, and his work performance slipped to the point of if it was anyone else I would have fired them immediately.

My son turned 18, graduated and started college. We had purchased a small condo for him so he could be close to the family, but still live independently. We were very close and he probably called my 4 times a day for one reason or another. All was going great until his girlfriend broke up with him. He was not dealing well with the loss, I figured that this triggered some abandonment issue from the loss of his father that he never dealt with. I took him away for a short vacation with just the two of us. I tried to get him to go to counseling again, but he said he didn’t want to go and that he would be okay. Two weeks later he told me he wanted to talk to someone I scheduled an appointment.

In the interium my son started hanging out with his old best friend. The very next day I called his friend into my office and told him that I believed that he was drinking and doing drugs and hanging with a bad croud. I told him that he had better not do anything around my son or bring my son around his other friends. He told me he would never bring my son around them and that he was so greatful to me for everything I had done for him. We discussed that I believed that Chris was suffering from depression and that I had an appointment scheduled for Chris to talk with someone.

Within 3 days my son decided he didn’t need the appointment and called me less and less. Then he started actively avoiding me. He was always too busy studying, sleeping or on his way somewhere. The more he tried to withdraw from me the more I tried to get in touch with him. I talked to his friend and he said he really wasn’t seeing Chris that often that my son was spending time with his other friends. He told me that Chris just wanted some space and that he was fine. I looked on my son’s facebook page and he looked stoned, I had one of his friends log on and that is when I noticed that all of his friends were obviously trying to get in touch with my son to no avail. One even said “where have you been, what about us. All you do is smoke and get tattoos.”

It was game on then because I knew that while I was supporting his best friend he was lying to my face about what my son was doing. I confronted him, we walked out and my son called me screaming like a lunatic because his friend had a kid to support. Within two days my son had withdrawn 37K in insurance proceeds from the bank account. I found them at our condo with a u-haul. I wouldn’t let him take anything but one tv and his clothes. I refused to let him take the car that was titled and insured in my name He handed over his car keys to me and condo keys and walked out of my life. I couldn’t believe what had transpired. If ever there was a recipe for desaster it would be 37K and two teenagers on drugs.

I lost my mind, I begged, pleaded for help from everyone. The kids’ mother because she saw the boys because they would drop her grandson off. Everybody thought I was overreacting and that boys will be boys and that I needed to let go. It ate me alive. I was totally consumed. I tried to call, email, communicate through facebook. I had a couple of lucid conversations with him where he would schedule meetings with me to change the title to his car or help pack the contents of the condo to be stored and made plans to spend some time together for Christmas. However, he cancelled plans repreatedly and when he actually showed up he was angry, verbally abusive and irrational.

I finally told him that I was done. His bad behavior was affecting me two much and that when he could be a responsible caring family member that he could call me, but until then to just stay way. I stopped calling him.

This all transpired within three or possibly fourt months from the time he first smoked pot and drank with his friend. He only lived with his friend for 2 months before he called and wanted to move back into the condo. I wanted him away from his friend and to get him into rehab because although he denied it, I knew he was on something. He said that he hadn’t been doing any drugs, that he still had the majority of his money and that he just wanted to take advantage of the opportuniy we had previously offered him. We let him move back into the condo and returned his car to him on the condition that he agree to see a counselor with me to work on our relationship and that his friend was absolutely not to be at my condo. He agreed and we had two sessions with the counselor. My plan was to get him in there so we could get started on the family issues, his depression and ultimately his drug usage. The first meeting he was aloof and blamed me for everyting. He really liked that part even though most of it was irrational and untrue. The next session, he was a little more rational, but was still aloof.

I receied a telephone call the day before the 3rd session from his friends’ mother that my son had just been arrested. After 3 phone calls to her son she was finally able to learn that his friend was with him walking to our condo and the cops stopped them and found Chris with cocaine and marjauana. My husband wouldn’t let me go down that night, but the very nest morning I was there with 3K to bail him out. He told me that jail was horrible, he admitted to using cocaine and stated that he needed to get away from the temptations. He confessed that he had none of the 37K left. We went to the counselor that day and Chris said he wanted to go somewhere to get treatment. I immediately started looking for a facility. He disappeared all day and wouldn’t answer the phone. When he finally answered he was hostile and verbally abusive. I told him I was on my way over to the condo and if he wasn’t there that I would revoke his bail. He was there, I showed him the website of the treatment facility I decided on, I put him on the telephone with the screener because they wouldn’t take him unless he agreed to treatment. We packed and I drove him three hours to Palm Beach.

I am a wreck, it looks like I did everything wrong. I am so angry at everyone. My husband, his stepfather isn’t as emotionally involved as I am and he is really angry about the way we were treated, the lies, the effect this has had on our 3 year old daughter and our marriage, and having to dish out 12K for rehab; 3K in bail and attorneys fees. Chris has lied to us so much over the last 4 months that I don’t trust him, I don’t trust my own judgment and I don’t know if he is just scamming us again. I am totally consumed by this and cannot sleep or think of anything or anyone else but my son. I continually replay each instance where if I would have done something differently things wouldn’t have turned out this way.

I have so many questions. Starting with how do go through 37K in 3 months. When I admitted him to the facility they drug tested him and they said they found cocaine and marjauna. I feel like I have been through hell in the last four months. My son blames me, his friend blames me (I could hear him in the background aggitating Chris), my husband blames me because Chris is my son and I blame myself at least as much as they do.

I am so scared of what the future holds. I cannot imagine what our future hold and what will happen to my son or the rest of the family. I don’t think I am as stong as you are because this seems unbearable to me.

Hello, and thanks to all,
For me it is my daughter who has left 5 children, first for the streets and then in jail, all because of the addiction which is complicated by her bipolar illness and a learning disability. I’m surprised to be happy that she is now in the NJ Women’s Prison because for the first time in Years
she is getting the health care and the medication for the bipolar illness that she has always needed but would not take. She would not admit that she had a mental illness and just kept using instead of getting real medication - and she’s getting some training in life skills so maybe she can make it when she gets out. She’s never done anything evil,
but just ignoring the court orders got her into contempt of court and there she is. It seems a rather crazy use of tax payer dollars to treat her like a criminal/even in there with murderers but still I have to be grateful. She writes letters to me that make sense at last! and is appreciative of my supporting the children. Bless you all!

Thanks for letting me read all of your messages. My son who is 23 was short of graduating college. For years he self-medicated with alcohol and marijuana and over the last two years has spiraled downhill to the point of smoking black tar or heroine. He could not function on this and sent out a call for help. He threatened suicide…I did an intervention and flew to his college and he went to detox and is now in a dual diagnosis rehab. I am so sad, I am so mournful and I totally blame myself for working hard and not noticing our nanny at the time who began to smoke marijuana. I have read about Alanon and have gone to one meeting. I cannot let myself go. It has affected my relationship with my husband and our daughter. I function on a very high level and now I am lost.

My 24 year old son threatened to take his life yesterday. I called 911 and with the suicide note and the electrical cord tied like a noose it was enough for a 5250 mental health 72 hour evaluation. My son is bipolar and self medicating with alcohol, and pot (legally). He is facing 2 DUI’s and jail time over the next recent weeks. His life is spiraling out of control, and he is in denial. He is not employed, dropping classes before finishing them, extreme relationship drama, stealing, lying, and feeling entitled to whatever he feels and believes he wants. I love him, I will not watch him die. I will change myself, because that is all I have the power to do. I will continue to pray for him.
I am sad, frustrated, and grieving the loss of my dreams for him. My faith in God, and my fellowship in Al Anon is what gets me through each day. Al Anon has worked for me. Two years ago, through the advice of my own therapist, I began attending Al Anon meetings. At first I was not comfortable with what was being said, but I kept going back. There is courage, strength and hope in these rooms. There is a fellowship of families who love an addict. There is healing for everyone. It is hard to work this program. It takes my mind off my son and puts my focus back on myself and my relationship with God. I would be curled up in a reclined depression if I had not found this 12-step program, and made the commitment to myself to work it. I find something to be grateful for each day. I love these people because we are open and share our recovery. God Bless Each and Every Family Suffering with Addiction.

I read the letter by one mother who told of her son’s diagnosis of bi-polar disorder. I believe, after looking back on my daughter’s roller-coaster ride with drugs and the way she continues to struggle, that most people who are addicts have other issues they are dealing with. My daughter suffers from anxiety and has struggled with insomnia since she was about 8 years old.

I so often feel angry–at the drug dealers, at my daughter, at the police for not doing more, at the treatment centers for charging too much money, at myself for not seeing the signs sooner, at the schools for not doing a better job of teaching about the dangers of drugs. But none of my anger is going to help solve my daughter’s addiction.

Addiction is a destructive cruel disease. Its cruelty to the parents is heartbreaking because they watch their sons and daughters struggle and it’s almost impossible to not want to help a child who is in pain.

Ok…I thought I was losing my mind…a lot of these stories sound just like mine….

My son was valivictorian, 4.0 student, and captin of the football and basketball team…i’ve never really had any problems from him til his senior year in hs…he had scouts coming from all different directions…we finially choose a school and he went away happily to football camp aug 2009 right after graduation, which he asked 4 a break but i told him he shouldn’t because he should take advantage of all of these opportunities…the semester begin and i thought he was doing well…i would go to all of his games even though it was two hours away..my fiance and his 6 year old sister, and me supported him in everyway. He started coming a lot, i told him not to so he started sneaking. He an one of his friends got into it with each other over $3 and his so-called friend punched him in the back of his head..i had to take off work for weeks to go to all types of doctors to make sure he was ok and i did…this was the end of first semester so he made it back in time for finials…he didn’t take them but i said he should be fine cuz he was doing good the rest of the semester…..to my shocking surprise he got all Fs in every class and he tried to tell me a college graduate that he failed becuase he didnt take his finals…it was a lie and they academically dissmissed him but i appealed it and got him back in and he was able to have 3 weeks out to get he mind together.

We checked him back in second semester and the first week in i get a call from campus police saying he has about 1200 in tickets for trespassing and he was kicked out of the doorms…then he got kicked off the football team then he got kicked out of the football players house…they won national football championship ring and he was 1 of only freshmen to get one…he even convinced me to buy him a car…so he called me two weeks before school was over and said who does that, who finishes school 2weeks early with all As…i checked his grades he got 2 Fs,b, d….at the time i was down-sizing from a house to an apartment and was going to sell all of my applicances…and i signed my rent assistance over to him so he could have his own place…so i moved out that thursday and my son called me that same day and said he was going to go racing with his friends to get a break and he was going to come back for summer school…but asked me to get his moving papers…i said ok picked up the papers and went to go clean up my old place and turn in the keys…i got there an all my appliances were gone…i called my son and asked for them and he said he had to to do what he had to do to survive so he sold them…he stole my $1000 earrings, sold his $5000 championship ring, and my appliancess and moved to chicago and dropped out of school…without me knowing..my family said he was up there acting like a totally different person…i even went up there to put him in a mental hospital…they diagnosed him with psychosis…but let him out with no meds…he was very angry about that…this is someone who has never had legal problems before…

So two months later he finally called me to come and get him…forget about me working and his lil sis…forget about i was running back and forth to chi cago trying to get him to come home…so yes i did drop everything to go. On the way back we stopped in Kanoshia for gas and my son goes in the gas station and reaches behind the counter in front of the police and takes the donation money…after the cashier and i asked him to stop he wouldnt and the police arrested him….come to find out he had a warrant for those tickets in college and they kept him for 21 days…when he got out i was the only one there to pick him up letting him know this is a fresh start for him …i will help him get a job and he can just go to the area college…he started acting like a nut…busted in my door nearly knocking it off the hinges…so i found him a shelter and said i will no longer enbale him…i had my pastor pray for him and i am letting go and letting GOD….this is a guy whose jeans costed no less than 4300 and shirts…now i hear he won’t take baths, he keeps the same clothes on for weeks.

I dont know what happened to my son…i even tried to get him some mental and drug help down here with me…they say he is grown and he is causing no harm…when i try to take him to get help he found out he is now an adult so i cant force him to stay..he even corrects the nurses english when i took him…so they thinks he’s a smart young man…so it’s really nothing i can do…he calls me from time to time, i sit up and cry and pray a lot of nights, i pray he makes it through this…i don’t know if this is mental or if it’s drug induced…all i know is that i don’t know this guy…i want to know what happened to my son….i have my black dress ready…and his life insurance…i pray for him daily…and i still love him…but he is definitelly ruining his life…but i have faith in my GOD, and i know he lovesmore than i do.

Wow, wow , wow. How many excuses can we make up for our children. He would be such a good boy if he didn’t do those lines, steal my money and such and such. But he is a good boy. Wake up what part of good are you talking about here. Your son chose to do what he did and choses to do what he is doing now. You can call it an addiction, or any other medical term you want to put with it. Bottom line is this when he comes off his high he knows he did wrong, then he does it all over again. Sorry buddy you have to go. No more from me as your father, learn right from wrong or die in the streets. Every user wants to blame someone for there faults, never themselfs. I buried my own son last year and he told me it was my fault he failed in lfe. No I don’t think so, he had great grades in school had a full ride to college, but blamed me for not letting him find himself in life. His Idea was to lay around my home and get high until he found himself. I didn’t let him do that. I gave him a choice either college or a job. He choose to leave, overdose and die. He left a note for me blaming me for all his faults. At first I was crushed, then I thought it wasn’t me I was pushing him to be a better person. Anyway I’m a lot better off now my other two sons are both college bound to Ivy leage schools. I look at it this way. Kids cant be kid’s parent have to mold thier kids to who they need to be. My first wife had this child, she let him do anything he wanted to do, so me as a father saying go to school and so on was just like blowing hot air. Bottom line is this god put people that are strong here and weak. My son was weak and my life is now better that he is gone. I’m not taking the guilt trip from him. I did everything as a father, baseball, camping, boyscotts and so on, he choose his path only he could of corrected his path. Trust me I tried, first with family then $$$ in counseling, in school treatment and so on. Same old story after, I had a relapse, too much presure Dad, please forgive me. The 3rd time he was out on his butt, 3 months later I buried him. I still love him to this day and will always love him. I remember the good times in life with him now. Plus I know he is at peace with himself. Now I focus on my other two sons now. and with my oldest son’s spirt I know he will help me steer his brothers in the right direction.

I too am going through so much pain and heartache. Every morning I wake up, well, I wake up most of the night and say how much I hate my son. His addiction is alcohol and ROBITUSSIN, and Tylenol PM. It is devastating. I love the boy I raised. (I raised them in Christain school until 9th grade). But, as hard as my husband and I work, we work with animals and have very little money. I personally saved every penny in 13 years my parents gave me, and when I waited tables, I saved as much as I could, knowing someday I would need it. My Father is gone and I am getting too old to wait tables. But my son and his friends stole everything. Even the pennies in my jar. It was 6000.00 dollars. FOR ROBITUSSIN! He spent probably thousand dollars in 4 months! He stole my credit card, and my husband did not want to press charges. I am SICK. And being broke is not helping the situation. How did this all happen? I just cannot figure it out. I am in such a depressed state. I go to the VA (I’m a Vet) and get antidepressants, but it doesn’t help. I wish he didn’t drag us into his mess financially. I can’t talk to him, he thinks we yell at him when we just bring up making some payments to us, or if he would just quit drinking. He won’t go to treatment, tried that. He didn’t start this until he was 21. So I can’t help him. I hate my life, it has effected every part of my life. I am miserable to the core. Maybe just cutting him out of my life? But, then he would say we’re abanding him. I honestly do not want to live, all we do is work to get all his stuff paid off. (Which everything is in my name) (Another horror story) I am not a good daughter to my mother, because she lives 4 hours away, and a person needs money for travel, and we can’t leave the animals without care. I hate Alcohol and ROBITUSSIN, and Tylenol PM. We have lost our health insurance because of him, and the 6000.00 would have been useful to pay our detuctable because I got very sick and had to go to the hospital, and I needed that, but… in the end everything is gone. So what. I look around at people getting ready for Christmas, and I hate everything and everyone. I am just waiting for him to die in his sleep because the combination of all these drugs will kill him eventually. God, I hate everythng! I cannot accept all this heartache. (Thanks for letting me vent) I’m like busting with pain all the time!

my daughter is 20 yrs. old, intelligent, beautiful,and very funny.she has been using many different drugs since about 16 yrs. old. 3 yrs. ago she met jason he is 30. he showed my baby how to inject drugs in her feet and anywhere else. she went to rehab in l.a she got kicked out for doing drugs there.she came back to my home, snuck out the second night back to go be with jason.she is going back to rehab after christmas. but her actions here are making the entire family a mess. it is christmas in a few days, i can’t have her here. i am broken hearted but i must return her gifts. if i give them to her she will sell them for money to buy drugs. i am concerned, is she going to die before making it back to rehab? all i can say is ashley i love you more than you will ever know, please get the help you need so badly.

I am so thankful for this site, as I’m staying awake at night praying to God I won’t have to bury my only child. God Bless us all. Addiction is a nightmare; my story is like many of them here. Valerie

my son is going back to prison for the third time he wants to die he is a crack addict since he was 18 he is now 40 he has spent 12 yrs. in prison allready . he was out on paroll used and eventually robbed. i love him so much ! he hates himself i dont know how to help him find hope.he had a bad accident has medel in is spine & plates in his neck 2 yrs. ago he got hooked on pain meds. & started useing again .. he needs help lock down help not prison . i fear he will die in there . courts dont care i will pray for all of you & your children marie

…I was online looking for a poem from a mother to her son when I came across this blog. My heart is bleeding pure pain… God I feel helpless and I don’t know where I went wrong. I am reading my own story in all of these. It is so difficult to talk about it…my story is so hard… I can’t continue….

I was so blessed to find this blog. I am also suffering from my 34 year old son’s addictions and mental health issues. He began having problems following our divorce-his dad had been having a 2 year affair and he found out. I have financially and emotionally supported him since then. I moved 800 miles away for employment and he followed me here. He still lives with me and has his own business. Of course, the business is unsuccessful and I am now supporting him and the business. When I withdrew my financial support he stole money from me and my 90 year old mother. He is in jail now for DUI, hit and run, driving without a license, etc. He expects me to pay his legal fees and I simply can’t. He said the court told him he was not eligible for a public defender because he lives with me and I make too much money. Can that be right? Please continue this blog and if you have any suggestions I welcome them.

I just found the site. It gives me comfort to know I am not alone. My husband and I are almost crazy from the worry and stress our 22 yr. old son has caused us. He had behavior problems in school from a early age, which I guess was the first of this nightmare. Before we knew that he even had a problem with drugs, he had stolen all my jewelry and many other things from our home. He is addicted to opanas, oxycontin, zanax and god only knows what else. You all know the story. Countless nights of him screaming at us, putting holes in the walls, blaming everyone but himself. The anthem of the drug addicted person. Even his grandmother has paid fines and given him money. I know we have enabled him but we are parents. It is hard to tell your child to get out, when you know they have no where to go. It’s hard not to hold on the the hope and continue to believe their lies. Reading these stories, I can now see that they all say what you want to hear to pacify you one more day. We came home a few months ago and found him lying on the kitchen floor, where he fell, while making a sandwich. Some of his so-called friends had came over and gave him some cocaine on top of the lortabs he had taken. Ever since that night, my husband has suffered from extreme anxiety and depression. You go to work, feeling hopeless and trying to act normal. You come home, dreading to walk in, knowing your child will be waiting for you, begging for money, or drugged up and looking for a fight. I completely understand the feeling of hating your child for what they have become and what they have done to your family. My daughter, a special Education teacher and mother, has been put aside so many times because we are constantly wrapped up in him. It’s not fair to her or us. What do you do? Where can you turn. One week ago, my son came to me out of the blue and told me he had called his therapist and finally admitted to her he had a drug problem. She helped him get into a rehab center about 5 hrs away. He did this on his own, which makes me hopeful but I still have this dreadful feeling that it will go wrong. He has already called saying he hated it and was coming home, but he called the next morning and apologized and he is still there. Maybe, just maybe, there is some hope. Sorry this is so long….I will say that we have taken everything from him that he already has not sold. His grandmother bought him a car and within 2 weeks it was gone. He has no cell phone. I WILL NOT give him money. I only buy him cigarettes. While he has been gone, I have finally come to the realization, it is time to let him work it out on his own. I will always love him, always be there for support, but no longer will I let him take our life away. I can’t.

My son is a addict he was doing so well now he has started again
I love him but yet I hate him. I don’t know what to do anymore please help me to learn what can be done. He denies everything but I know what’s going on. Every story I read is the same as mine but what can we do to help

My 19 year old son died 5 years ago in a pedestrian accident. I will never know the truth about how it happened, as an illegal alien was the driver. My son was having addiction issues. He exhibited all the behaviors you all are describing. He wanted to go to rehab. I have the calendar with the word “rehab” penciled in by him on it. His death has almost destroyed his father. I just go, go, go. Trying to outrun the pain and knowing that if I stop, our house will be nasty and we won’t have decent meals on the table. This boy was so loved. Sometimes, I just wish I was gone so I would not have to live with this pain.

I can understand the love/hate relationship. When the pain, heartache, disappointment,worry, and anger clouds over the feelings of pride,joy, and trust, you can’t help but to feel as though you hate that person. We hate their ways and not them. You can’t help but to remember when your child was young. My son has been addicted to crack since the age of 14. He is 29 now. He’s been in and out of jail and prison for crimes to get drugs. He was recently diagnosed with HIV and hepatitis C. Afer receiving this bad news, he continues to do drugs. He is angry and wants to die. He is not compliant with his meds, which will prolong his life. He often steals from me. I have decided that he can’t come to my house again. It is very hard to watch him die. Sometimes I wonder which will be worse watching him destroy his life or wondering what it will be like not having him at all. He often curses GOD for allowing him to go through all this. He says he is already in hell. The saddest thought is losing my son for all eternity, waking up in heaven and not finding him there. I have tried everything to save him, any suggestions.

My 46 year old son has been living in my home for a year. He has stolen from me over and over. I have attempted to trust him by sending him to the store with my card and this past week he stole every dime I had to pay my bills. As I set here I can’t pay anything-power, water, cable, life insurance, car insurance and have no groceries. How do you send your blood to jail knowing you can’t get it back.
I had a friend who lived and died through this and lost her home, vehicle and everything she had. Watched her die last year with him still running wild. Now I find myslf in the same situation….Sometimes it would be better if I died, however only God knows when it’s time for me to go. I planned to buy life insurance on him, since his dad has remarrid and could care less about him. I loved him the day he was born and will love him til I die.

I HAVE READ ALL THE COMMENTS, BUT I STILL FEEL SO ALONE. MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY ARE CRUMBLING BEFORE MY EYES. MY 28 YEAR OLD SON IS ADDICTED TO HEROIN. HE IS NOW TAKING SUBOXONE WHICH MIMICS HIS ADDICTIVE HABITS. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAILURE BECAUSE I HONESTLY DON’T CARE IF HE SUCCEEDS. I JUST WANT HIM OUT OF OUR LIVES. I FEEL SO GUILTY ADMITTING THIS. IT’S BEEN A LONG 10 YEARS WITH HIS ADDICTION. MY HOPES WERE ONLY SHATTERED RECENTLY WHEN HE WAS CLEAN FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS. HE WAS DOING SO WELL. WE WERE TRUSTING HIM AGAIN AND I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE THE LUCKY ONES. WE FINALLY HAD SOME PEACE IN OUR LIVES. MY DAUGHTER AND SONS CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS BACK IN OUR HOME. MY HUSBAND AND I ARGUE CONSTANTLY. I FEEL SO DESPERATE AND I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN GO ON LIKE THIS ANY LONGER.

Dear Lauren,
I was struck by your comment and want you to know you are not alone! I am proud of you for being so honest, your thoughts are not uncommon , in fact many parents feel the same way you do, but don’t have the courage to say it! I cant imagine how conflicted you must feel. Despite everything you have gone through with your son, you still have a bond and that cant be broken even by addiction. Both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I think parents are the ones who go through the most when there is an addiction problem in the family. We don’t get the luxury of getting high or turning off our feelings and emotions. Even for a minute. Please know Lauren, that by sharing and talking about how you feel you are helping yourself and your family. And when you feel like giving up, know that there are people out there who support you and are there if you need them.

My son is 26 and a drug addict. His choice of drugs is oxy or roxy. He has battled this since he was 16, he has been in rehab twice. The first time he went, he stayed clean for 2yrs. I was naive….we went to counseling while he was in rehab and they told us that every month, they have 30 guys go through rehab there. 1 out of 30 will stay clean. I was certain that 1 would be my son…..not so. During his two years of sobriety, he had a son of his own. I thought there was no way he would return to that life of misery with a child of his own. I was so wrong……His life is nothing but lies, stealing and not being a very good person. He loves his son but he loves the drugs more than anything or anyone. He had a great job that he lost, he bought a home when he was in his two year clean time that he just lost. He finally got a job but was fired for stealing money. He basically lost rights to his son. Of course, I don’t want my grandson with him if he is on stuff. He is only 3 years old and I worry about his safety when he is with his Dad. I don’t understand….our son doesn’t come from a divorced family, we raised him in church, we have always supported him in anything he has tried to do. I said all that to say, there was nothing tramatic to happen to him in his life as a child or adult to cause this. We have looked at ourselves trying to figure out where we failed as parents. I have finally, in the last year, come to realize that he is where he is in life because of the choices he continues to make. I hear people say it is a disease….I don’t know. When he has been clean for several months, I start to get my hopes up just to have them dashed again. He has been clean this time since June. Was starting to feel that familar hope, I talked to him on the phone this morning and heard the voice that is dragging and a stuffy nose. The nose is always what I listen for because when he is stuffy, it usually means he is snorting it again. I’m so sad about it. I have decided that it is his choice to ruin his life but I can’t let his sorry choices ruin ours, our youngest son’s (who just joined the military) or our grandson’s. We have talked to him until we are blue in the face, begged him to go to rehab one more time. I have talked to him about the path of a addict…you can choose the path to get clean and stay in the real world or you can choose the path that will only lead to jail or death…probably both. I’m so afraid the pills win again

It is comforting to know I am not alone in my grief, although my heart goes out to all of the moms who preceded my note with their heartaches due to children addicted to a drug. My son who is 24 now is currently in jail. He is addicted to Roxycontin and he will do anything to get it. He lies and steals from family , neighbors, and friends and people he doesn’t know too. He has no conscience. He seems to be slowly killing himself and hurting all who love him in this ongoing nightmare of addiction. He takes the most from those who loved the person he used to be before drugs. We have tried rehab and will try it again. I hate drugs and what they have made of the person who is my son.

My story over and over again. My son is 36 and lives with me. He is an alcoholic and drug abuser and doesn’t work and hasn’t for years except small jobs here & there. Amazing how you raise your child alone away from the alcoholic father yet the turn out to be exactly like them. Jason gets verbally abusive when drunk - this last week he threatened to kill me with his bare hands - to choke me until i was dead - he ranted and raved for 2 hours in front of his so called friend who supplied the beer & drugs. He has threatened me before but not to that extent. So I finally took a stand with conviction, (after talking to an ALANON friend) and asked to leave in a loving way - oh yes he came back in anger but he did agree - after a compromise by giving him 3 days and no drinking. When he is sober he is a great loving person so i will trust in God that he will leave. I did tell him i have the police on speed dial if things went wrong - just hope i made the right decision to compromise. So you see i feel the pain too. I love him with my whole heart. I pray everyday that God will lead him down the path of recovery - i will pray for everyone of you too!

Addiction is a brain disease which causes irrationality. The way drug abuse changes the brain’s structure and function causes previously normal, caring loved ones to undergo a personality change in which their every scruple is sacrificed in pursuit of the drugs they need to maintain ther addictions. With treatment and abstinence, selfish, dishonest addicts can change back into caring, loving people. For a web site that explains what makes addiction a brain disease and how it alters an addict’s thinking and behavior, click on http://www.addictscience.com

My son is 15 years old. He started doing weed 1 year ago. He was a normal kid and his behavior was average for his age. I don’t know what or how happen but he started steeling money to her mom and later on he stole $2000 dollars from my house. I forgave him but 3 month later he sold my laptop to buy drugs. I called the police. He went to jail for 21 days, after that he breaking in a house and got 21 more days in Detention center. I put him in a rehabilitation center but he runaways 3 times and the institution refuse to accept him (too much liability), No school at all, Now he has court net Wednesday 26, 4 cases open and the states attorneys want to send him to a program a lockdown facility (Level

I don’t know what to do. Any help
Thank you

I am not a parent, but the sister of a 47 year old alcoholic/drug addicted brother. My brother began using when he was in his very early teen’s (and perhaps even earlier), and as far as I know is still using today. I watched him destroy my parents emotionally, physically and financially. They didn’t want to believe that he could be an addict; but they did believed that it was their responsibility to take care of him even as he entered middle age. These beliefs took an enormous toll on our family. I feel so badly for my parents that they were unable to let go and to take care of themselves. The last years of my mom’s life were fraught with fear about finances, physical illness, and anger towards my dad and my brother. My father felt guilt that he couldn’t “fix” my brother, guilt that he had let my mom down, and anger about all of it.

I wish my parents had been able to see that they weren’t alone, that they didn’t have to be subject to my brothers lies and manipulation, and that they needed to take care of themselves. I hope for all the suffering parents who have responded that you will find help for yourselves. As much as you want too, you cannot control what choices your children make or the paths they choose, which I know is extremely painful. Addiction IS a family disease - learn as much as you can about it, but also know your limitations - don’t enable your child’s drug use or behavior. Sometimes letting go is the healthiest thing you can do, not only for yourself, but for your child as well.

I went through three years of pure hell with my youngest son. Pot, then cocaine. I didn’t know about the cocaine until near the very end. At 19 years old, he died in a pedestrian accident. Now, his 27 year old brother is in rehab for I don’t really know what drug. He has in a round about way let me know what drug, but I think it’s multiple drugs. He had told so many lies and conned us out of money and we were stupid enough to think he was just having money problems. I have no more trust. I want to help him, but the lies are too thick. Outpatient rehab, and I think he is making the effort. But then I find soda cans made into drug smoking devices hid in his dirty clothes. It was pure hell losing his younger brother. Now, this older son is making us suffer all over again. I would surely love to
go far away and make a whole different life. The pain is too much and I feel depression every day and night. I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. He has fooled us for so long that I no longer trust my own judgement.

My son is a crystal meth addict. He was molested when he was thirteen and told no one until he turned eighteen. He had tried to give blood and found out he had HIV. He then told us about the molestation. Determined to go to college and get a good job so he could take care of himself, he started drinking alot then experimenting with drugs while in college. We didn’t know about this because he was in another state. Then, in 2008 he graduated and the employment market in his field just disappeared. He couldn’t get a good job. That fall one of his friends called me and told me that he had a drug problem. He came to see us for Thanksgiving and we had a family “intervention” which at the time made him kind of angry. Later, after having his only (to date) altercation with the law he started thinking about things. He decided to come home for Xmas. On the trip he had a terrible accident in a snowstorm. He was not “under the influence” at the time but lost his car, his job and spent a week in the hospital. So then, he came to live with us. The year went badly for him, he seemed to relapse about every three months or so. The beginning of the next year he went to rehab for a month, came out and immediately relapsed. He still tried, he was working for a great boss who knew situation. After about six months, two more relapses later he got fired. Then he found another job away from us and moved out. We didn’t hear any more problems, he found a better job in another state and moved there. For a while things were okay, but in the last month he’s had two relapses. He is currently locking himself in his apt and, of course, he lost his job again.

We don’t know what to do, as his parents I keep thinking I can’t let him move home unless he agrees to go to rehab again…My husband swears he won’t let him live with us. I just don’t know if I can be strong enough, I pray that I can.

Thank you for writing this. I feel so alone heartbroken. This week, we learned that our 27-year-old son has lost his job of 5 years due to drug use and erratic behavior. He lives a few thousand miles from us, and has lost his apartment and most of his belongings. I look at pictures of him as a beautiful, charming, smart, very loved child, and I don’t know how he could have made such bad decisions.

Steve, that website was a lot of help. I got a lot of insight into my son’s addiction by reading the article. http://www.addictscience.com. Thanks.

As I’m reading these stories, I’m sitting here crying!! It makes me feel a lot better to know that I am not alone, that there are others who share my pain! I recently found out that my son has been using drugs since he was 15. After that, I felt like I failed as a parent and it was my fault for not getting help sooner. I am slowly coming to realize that it’s him and not me. My son is 21 years old and addicted to PCP and alcohol. I’ve tried several times to get him help. Just recently he came out of a 10 day inpatient program (shame on insurance companies for removing patients so quickly) and soon as he came home, the next day he was back out looking for drugs! I am at a lost and I feel like I’m waiting for that phone call telling me that my son was killed or overdosed! Thank you all for sharing your stories, it has helped a lot!

How to begin, I have read all of the postings here on this site where I had written our story of our son. I have cried with you, worried with you and most importantly I keep all of you in my prayers. Every parent’s journey with a child who is addicted is different yet always the same. The most important thing for each and everyone of you to know is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Our hearts break for our children, regardless of their age, As parents we want to protect them from everything, sometimes we just can’t and we need to know that as parents we do all the right things and try to save them but in reality it is all up to them.. Our child needs to want that RECOVERY FOR THEMSELVES AS MUCH AS WE WANT IT FOR THEM. Know that it is not your son or daughter who is doing these horrible things, as your son or daughter loves you too much, but it is the ADDICT, the demon within your child that is doing the drugs. Once I learned to seperate my child from the addict, I was able to do what needed to be done. I left the addict go! I told the addict he was never allowed into our home again. When our Son was ready to return our hearts and our door would be open. It took our son many years to come back to us, He is now 32 a father and husband, he recently found a good job. I still have that little spot in the back of my brain that worries and most likely always will, being a Mother we do that.
The Parntership at Drugfree.org has many great sites, many great people to help you along the way. We as parents also need to take care of ourselves, as we need to get into our own recovery. We need to work on keeping ourselves well in body, mind and spirit. Reach out for help if you need it, Get involved in a support group, start one in your community because wether you know it or not, there are many of us, Parents, struggleing with children who suffer from this horrific DISEASE, CALLED ADDICTION!. I hope I havent rambled on too long and hope that this will help someone. Each and everyone of you and your families and your child who suffers are in my prayers daily… With much Love, Support and Prayer…. Kathleen

Your post is sad, but unfortunately it my story also. All of ours are different in some ways but all connected. Right now my 40 year old son hates me. He is living with a 24 year old drug addict. Things are bad there, and yet, I can seem to try to find a way to help him. First years ago his drug was cocaine, now I fear he could have followed this girl into the world of pills. I do not know for sure. He emails me to leave him alone. I wrote anyway, and said you are welcomed to come home. I have tried to enlist others who love him in my plight. He is a veteran who fought on the front lines of the first Gulf War. I know it bothers him but he won’t talk about it. Mail came yesterday for him, I sent it to him in an envelope with the name of a Veterans Outreach person. I too am terrified for my son. I am not sure if he is using now or just that she was. He said she is on a methodone clinic now. But she goes back and forth to her daughters fathers place to my son’s causing all kinds of drama.
He treats me so badly. I know there is nothing I can do, they have to want help, but the bleeding of your soul hurts so badly.
Your article made me realize I am not bleeding alone, but it still makes you feel like it’s difficult to put one foot in front of the other each day. He told a friend of his who called me he was going to leave the state. I don’t know what is going on, he lives about a half hour or more from us. All I can do is pray. People get tired of hearing our stories and our pain and I guess I can’t blame them. So today I started a diary on my computer, where I type my thoughts concerns experiences, my fears. My Imac screen is that of stars, so I say I am talking to the angels, for I believe in angels. You can email me if you like, right now it is a very blue time. My son has been incarcerated three times for theft because of drugs. Does the programs perfectly, comes home excels in a job, and then meets a women with an addiction and here we go again. I have emphysema and copd, advanced, I like to know my son is okay before those angels I spoke about takes me home.
Always,
Susan

my beautiful son, 33 years old, is in rehab,(again) as i write this…alcohol and pain killers…oh god, what can i do? it is a disease over which we have no control….i cry, i stress, i am overwhelmed….i am destroying myself…..how does a mother stop obsessing about her only son, who is so smart, so much to offer, who tells me, all he wants is to be clean, have a good job & meet a nice girl……i truly take comfort in knowing i am not alone….god bless us all…..

Al-Anon saved my sanity and helps me cope with my son’s drug and alcohol abuse.

It is such help to read all your comments. I feel like I have found a family to share my grief with. My son now 30 years has been on drugs since 13 years old. He dropped out of college, worked for a year and left the job. He was said to suffer from mental diseases, but I think it was the drugs.The pain you are feeling is just as I feel. I love my son( the only son). I feel so confused to see him with no interest on anything.He does not want to go to Rehab as he claims he is fine. He can not even clean the garden or have a friend to share with him. He goes out and comes back so drugged that he does not know anything. I just want to thank God that I have reached a stage where I have handed my son to God. I love my son, but I can not change him. My husband has distanced himself, that he does not talk to our son.My prayer to all parents of addicts is that God should shelter us from such a raveging storm.Those who have already been taken, may their souls find rest.

It is 4:45 a.m. and I have been searching the internet for some kind of comfort for what I am going through. I want to thank you for sharing your stories. My son is 19 and he too is addicted to drugs - I am not even sure how many drugs he is on. He was brought up in church and lived for God for many years - even going on mission trips with other young people and church groups. He would study the Bible daily and take notes and pray. And then life took a devastating turn. My first knowledge of his drug use was when he was 14. I immediately enrolled him (us) in counseling and for 2 years thought the issues that drove him to the drug use were being resolved. He is so kind and loving and caring when he is not using but I have been so stupid and naive. I believed every lie he told me. He has stolen from us, sold drugs to get what he needed - you name it. I cannot tell you how painful this has all been. I feel like everyday I am dying as I watch him destroying his life and killing himself. All the while telling me he doesnt have a problem and he doesn’t know why I am tripping (upset , making a big deal). He has moved out and moved back in many times. He has been arrested 3 times (the most recent this month and is still in jail). Shortly before he was arrested this last time, I noticed a worsening of his behavior and attitude and a dark depression hit him like never before. I took him to the doctor who prescribed depression medicine but then my son refused to take it. One week later, he just walked out of his job with no explanation and never went back. He told me he would do what he had to do to get what he needed and that scared me to death. I begged him to go to rehab. He said he would but not just yet - wasnt quite ready. I told him he could not live with us any longer while using drugs and living that kind of life. Begged him to get help immediatley. He said what kind of mother puts her son out on the street with no where to go? That killed me to the core. But I said, ” the kind of mother that loves her son and has done everything she knows to do to save him. The kind of mother that loves you enough to let you hit rock bottom in the hopes that you will change”. I knew it would get worse and it has. This roller coaster of addiction is absolute hell and I just want off the ride!!! He is now in jail but finally is agreeing to go to rehab. I am so glad but at the same time I am afraid to hope or believe in him because I am so hurt and feel like I need to protect myself from further devastation and disappointment. I cannot live like this anymore.

I am devastated,speechless, It s so painful. My only spn is addicted to oxycodon and to other drugs, cocain, crack..His arms does not have any viens more, its blue, and yellow. ……PLEASE GOD HELP TO ALL OF THESE CHILDREN, AND ALL OF YOU DEAREST PARENTS, PLEASE, GOD give us strangh and currage IN THOSE MOST HORRIBLE, DIFFICULT YEARS, Thank you so much for your sharing. God bless you all……

I have a 15 yr old son who has been in and out of detention so many times I lost count. He is addicted to spice and sounds very much like these other people being described. It scares me to think that he will continue into his adulthood with this addiction and I’ve already reached my limit. He took off last night and I haven’t heard from him at all and have tried to keep my mind busy but I’m thinking the worst at this point. Usually when he takes off, he shows up at his dad’s house in the morning but it’s going well into the afternoon and we haven’t heard anything. I feel so helpless.

Spice is horrible. My daughter started using spice after I began random drug testing her. This was in 2009 and the rehab centers didn’t know what they were dealing with, so when she went to rehab, many people acted as though she didn’t have a real addiction. She didn’t take the outpatient program seriously and couldn’t stay away from spice OR weed, so she went into an inpatient program. After rehab, she returned home, and started using bath salts because she was afraid of spice and still wanted to get high AND pass drug tests. She lost her mind on the salts. Stealing from me, lying, raging, etc. So back to rehab — 90 days inpatient, this time at one of those places you see on “Intervention”– but not without a last minute cocaine and opium binge on the eve of her admission. We came to blows over that. Again, since bath salts were new and still legal, they didn’t take her problem as seriously as the heroine and meth addicts in the program. She turned 18 in the program, came home, went to meetings for a couple of months and then started getting high again - back to weed and who knows what else, since I’d given up on drug testing. I had to throw her out for breaking our agreement to stay clean. 3 weeks later she’s in a coma from an intentional overdose ( her 2nd serious suicide attempt in 2 years). She was in a psych ward for 3 weeks, and then her high-priced out-of-network psychiatrist helped me find sober living facility in another state. She got kicked out of that after a month. I can only guess why; she says because she took too many naps. She went to a shelter, then ended up homeless, living in a car with a guy who also got kicked out of the same facility. I let her come home after it got too cold to sleep outdoors, and she got a job and seemed to be doing better for 3 months. Yesterday I found out she’s switched to booze - and is on the brink of losing her job at Walmart because she’s missed so much time ( due to being too drunk or hungover to go in). I’m a single mother because her father (who she’s never known) developed a raging crack addiction while I was pregnant. I’ve never married, I am an only child, and I lost my mother last year, and I am completely on my own with her and this. I got so overwhelmed that I couldn’t focus on work and lost my well-paying, but demanding job. I turned her over to God a couple of years ago, but I’ve not been so impressed with the results. Whatever His secret plan is, I hope it starts working soon. Because I am out of options. Honestly, I would rather die than go down this crap hole with her again. I love this girl with all my heart, but I hate her phony-ass crap. Whoever wrote that addicts pull you down faster than you can lift them up was right. I’ve dealt with this for 5 years. It terrifies me that some of you parents have been dealing with this for 10 and 20 years.

Dear Lord, bless those who seek
solace in substances;
helplessly hurting
of Your eternal love.

God, please keep them safe from the
perils of their actions.
Protect those around them as well.

Give them the strength, O Lord, to see
that it is You theyâ€™ve been searching for.
For there is no void You cannot fill.
And You are always with them.

With You there is no fear, no pain,
no judgment -
And all their sins will be forgiven.

They need only look to Your hopeful
light within them all,their bodies,
trying to feed their souls.

Father, let them see You are the
food they crave.
Envelop them in the warm blanket
Instead of the demons that beckon.

We pray they know they are always
worthy of Your love,
And can forever bask in Your
Holy Grace. May peace be theirs.

My heart is breaking reading all your stories. I never in a million years thought I would be here.

Until yesterday at 5:00 PM when my husband told me our son had called from Hazelden where he had been for a week so far for rehab from cocaine.

I was completely clueless. Our son said he’d been using for about a year, he’d ordered this stuff online, then found a dealer.

We were lucky (!) Michael got himself help, he’s not going to be fired from his job (not yet, anyway), he sounds ok on the phone, seems to be doing well in rehab.

My DH is a long-time member of AA, though. We were always watching for signs of alcohol but Michael wasn’t a drinker. We were watching for the wrong thing all this time.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I’ve felt so alone with this. Like many of you, he is our only son and I spent all his youth keeping him busy, away from possible trouble.

Prayers and supplication to our Lord Jesus who can save. My daughter, too, is an addict. Opiates of any type prob including heroin. 24 and beautiful.Smart and caring. Now she thinks she is bi polar…I think they are all demons. The enemy as a roaring lion seeks whom he may
devour. That certainly seems to fit the bill…unbelievable devourment! If it were not for faith I would think I was nothing but a chewed up piece of meat, and so was she. It is a roller coaster of emotions..you think they are doing well and then BAM…the fall again.
So hard to understand it..so hard to keep believing i don’t know how i would get through thus with out faith…

It breaks my heart to read all of those stories but at the same time I find peace in knowing that I am not the only one. I know it is very hard. Who would have imagined their grown son or daughter being addicted to drugs and alcohol? We are all good parents and I know deep in my heart we did do the right thing when we were raising our child but it seems it wasn’t enough. The heartaches, paying for this and paying for that all because he wasn’t working, the crying behind closed doors and the sleepless nights had taken a toll on me.

I believe in God. I turned to God and asked what shall I do. Essentially, I turned my son over to God. It doesn’t mean it all stopped and went away, it just means I put my trust in the Lord and He is handling it. No problem is too big or too small for Him. My faith is getting stronger and stronger each and every day now. My heart has joy, peace and love, my pocketbook is closed, I’ve stopped crying, and I definitely don’t have as many sleepless nights like I used to. I have faith.

	Drugfree.org Time To Act!© 2012 The Partnership at Drugfree.orgThe Partnership at Drugfree.org does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. More.