The Rollercoaster of Helping an Addicted Child | INTERVENE: A Community for Parents

The Rollercoaster of Helping an Addicted Child

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

When you suspect your child is in trouble, one of the most difficult challenges is figuring out how to approach him or her. Beyond dealing with their particular substance abuse, the big question is how to get them engaged and encouraged to accept treatment.

Our first attempt at approaching my stepdaughter Katherine did not go well. As a young adult, access to private information through the school was denied, while friends and acquaintances were never honest with us. Our only recourse was to invade her personal space at home.

We read through papers she left around, checked the trunk of her car and found ourselves investigating our own child. This is not a pleasant undertaking but much needed.

To this day, I firmly believe Katherine wanted to be helped as she left, in plain sight, writings regarding her usage as well as the failing school notice. It was then that we decided to tell her that we were no longer paying for her college tuition.

With this devastating information she left our home for her mother’s in Hawaii. Ultimately, life in Hawaii took her further downward.

With her father still in denial, our home became a battleground; we fought her, we fought each other. I struggled to get her father to accept the idea that his precious daughter was not only abusing meth but addicted. I knew that, before I could address Katherine’s addiction, I had to get her father to acknowledge it. After much discussion and with differences of opinion as to the severity of the problem, we, as a cohesive unit, agreed that Katherine’s return home must have conditions. She would only be accepted back if she agreed to be admitted into treatment.

Reluctantly she returned, sought in-patient treatment and aftercare successfully. Katherine was clean and sober for three years. During this time she had worked her way back into college, once again excelled in school and by all appearances was doing fine. We rejoiced and it was as if the nightmare was finally over.

In her last year she studied abroad in Paris and upon her return home, we began to notice, once again, signs of relapse. Again, we wanted to believe her life was moving forward; however, Katherine was becoming more secretive, withdrawn and wanted nothing to do with our family. She was “uncomfortable” at home.

The day after her graduation from college was our defining moment. We were forced to remove her from a condo we had purchased after we uncovered it had become a meeting place for her and her new “friends.” After that, Katherine abandoned everything in her life and chose to live on the streets with her meth family.

That’s when our three-year nightmare began.

Posted by Linda Quirk | Filed under Recovery & Relapse, Treatment

Once a family is out of the denial stage it is imperative they have a plan in place that does not allow them to, once again, be drawn back into the insanity of the disease.

I call this plan “Expectations Communication”(EC)which sets a boundary that no communication (verbal, written or physical)is allowed between the family and the addict in which the communication (subject matter) is either directly or indirectly related to the subject of alcohol or other drugs.

By physical communication, I am speaking of the child coming to the parents home with drugs in his/her possession or under the influence of any chemical.

When a family member breaks this boundary the family member is required to say, “I’m sorry but I cannot continue this conversation because it has related to alcohol or other drugs. I look forward to speaking to you again when you can abide by the boundaries we have all agreed to.” Click

If the child is in violation of the “physical” boundary then the police are called. The child is not allowed to drive while under the influence. The rule is clear — the police will be called. If he/she jumbs in the car and speeds off the parent calls the police and gives a complete description etc.

Once this plan is established a whole new set of positive “expectations” of one another is developed and a new and positive relationship is now begining. One that will lead the child to recovery.

If the family member(s) cannot do this then they are in need of additional recovery themselves. I would encoruage them to seek out professional counseling and a support group like Families Anonymous or Al-Anon.

The exception to this boundary is if the child calls and indicates a situation in which he/she has decided to accept the families offer of an inpatient treatment program for a minimum of ninety days.

In addition, no family member can ever expect to be in recovery as long as the disease is allowed to remain in the home. The addict must leave and I would prefere it is a one way ticket far from the present enviroment. Most major cities in America have adequate homeless shelters and free treatment programs such as the Salvation Army.

We parents need specific ideas that work. If we speak in generalities then we are left to devise our own plan which almost always ends in failure.

The alcohol/drug counselors that I have spoken with have told me that only about 50% of parents ever follow through with their recommendations. That right there tells you where the problem is!

Thanks for letting me share and please take what you feel is a vaule and forget the rest.

If we could “talk” our children into stopping their abuse of alcohol or other drugs then there would be no need for treatment programs and/or counselors. In fact, you probably would not have ventured onto this web site seeking information.

If we are speaking of “chronic” addiction then it is “impossible” to “reason” with a active addict/alcoholic, so discontinuing any conversation regarding their abuse of said chemicals is your only protection from being drawn into their drama of addiction and therefore becoming their enabler and/or codependant. Warning: Your addict may pretend your “talking” and “reasoning” is having an affect but I can assure you it is a trick.

Not talking about “the” problem creates a sincere desire to accept recovery from your addict because as your addict seeks enablers from other environments he eventually becomes “unwelcomed” and the only place he will ever be able to return to is his parent(s). This time, after “setting” and “maintaining” your Expectation Communication boundary he will say, “Ok, what plan do you have for me, I need help.”

I can only tell you this, it works! It is the secret for all parents. “It works, if you work it” as we say at our parent support meetings. However, It is tough because you are left out of the “drama” of which you have become accustomed to.

I am just sharing what has worked for me and other parents’ that I have shared my experiences with so as we say in our parent support group, “Take what is helpful for you and forget the rest.”

First and foremost, as Pat said above, take away what is helpful to you from these discussions. Though it may appear that every situation is “cookie cutter”, our individual reasons on how we approach it appear very different and personal to each of us. For our family, keeping contact with our daughter provided the knowledge that she was still “alive”. When we spoke with her, however, we never entertained any conversation about her addiction unless it was to ask if she was willing to seek help and to reiterate that we loved her and would be there when she decided to come in. We always hoped as well, that she would have that “one moment of clarity” when she knew that the addiction was not working for her and it was time to ask for treatment.

Addiction is just a symptom of a deeper problem that people like you enable. You provide excuses for your “addicts”. You enable them to continue and even nurture their bad habits as long as they “don’t use”. Well, until you’ve been on the bad end of a priviledged addict in recovery, you certainly wouldn’t understand.

	Drugfree.org Time To Act!© 2009 Partnership for a Drug-Free AmericaThe Partnership for a Drug-Free America does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. More.