If you are reading this blog, it is time.

What’s the big rush, you ask? It is a developmental given that some kids experiment with alcohol and drugs. However, the latest annual Partnership for a Drug-Free America/MetLife Foundation Attitude Tracking Study (PATS) of almost 3,300 teens and 800 parents shows that after a decade of declines in teen drug and alcohol use, rates are climbing for Ecstasy, marijuana and alcohol. We already know that prescription drug abuse by youth is a national problem and binge drinking on college campuses is a growing issue. Parents, this is no time to procrastinate.

The new PATS data indicate that 75 percent of teens say their friends usually get high at parties. Do the math.  All of us can’t have kids who don’t get high at parties. 

I am upset that cultural cues to use drug and alcohol are rampant, and that we’ve seen budget cuts in federal drug prevention and treatment programs. But what is most troubling to me is that the new PATS data indicate that parents are not acting early enough to intervene in kids’ drug use. Among parents who know their teens have used, nearly half either waited to take action or took no action. Yet we know that the earlier parents intervene, the better chance they have in preventing more serious problems.

Unfortunately, I did not have the online resources available today when my child first began smoking marijuana in middle school, taking OxyContin and nearly overdosing his first week in high school. He became addicted to heroin at age 16 and eventually crack and cocaine. How I would have loved a resource like Time to Act – a guidance tool that was created with input by scientists at the Treatment Research Institute who are on the cutting edge of addiction research, family therapists and other experts, parent volunteers who have walked your walk, as well as the dedicated Partnership staff.

There are two sections in Time to Act: one for parents who think their child is abusing substances; the other for parents who know that to be true. The information is organized, easy to understand and easy to use.

I particularly like the Need to Know section for parents in the first category, which addresses false beliefs we may have about teen drug and alcohol use. The Parent Checklist (found under “Get Focused”) for parents who know their child is using gets right to the nitty gritty:  how to respond to your teen’s anger and denial (including being called a hypocrite) and how to communicate and enforce your house rules.

My son is 22 now, clean and sober for today as a result of many actions on his part, my part, and the help of a community of tireless and caring people who take early substance abuse seriously because it can be lethal.

It’s hard to know what actions to take when you think or know your kids are using drugs. But it’s not hard to know when to do something about it – NOW. If you suspect or know your kids are using drugs, please take action.

The Partnership also has two new e-books to help parents learn how to intervene and how to get appropriate treatment for your child.  

While on vacation recently I had time to relax on the beach and reflect about our family’s situation. There was no great epiphany. However, one thing weighed on my mind concerning the language of addiction.

For many years through this journey, people have counseled my wife and I that nothing will actually change until our addict hits bottom. It was always said with sympathy and understanding in a way that I am sure was well-intentioned. As a parent trying to deal with a drug-addicted child, however, just the thought of hitting bottom was frightening. What is bottom?  How do we recognize bottom when we see it? How long will it take? And what damage is my son likely to experience on his way to bottom?

The answers from people experienced in drug and alcohol addiction were always vague and indeterminate. All the while we kept looking for that elusive bottom. And with each terrible experience we assumed, surely we had arrived there: losing his car, losing his license, losing his home, put in jail, nearly losing his life, and then, entering prison. What exactly is bottom, again?

I have been told by addicts and loved ones of addicts that bottom is different for different people. For some, it’s losing one’s family, losing one’s home or incarceration, while for others it’s the thought of losing the respect of loved ones. 

The one thing I found out for sure is that there is no determining what bottom is for another person. That is what is so frightening for a parent about this whole bottom concept. Is death considered bottom?

With all of these examples of bottom and none of them actually defining the experience, I would like to propose a different term. I suggest we call it a “profound experience.”

A profound experience is something that anyone in any situation can encounter. Large or small, this event or series of events has the impact to change a life. Following a profound experience, a person is able to gain “profound knowledge” concerning his or her life and the impact this experience has on the future. With this new knowledge a person or addict is able to put in place the necessary steps to change his or her life.

To me a profound experience more accurately describes what an addict must experience before it is possible for him or her to begin a change process. It is the inspiration that causes an addict to wake up to the fact that drug or alcohol addiction can no longer be a part of his or her life.

For me, my vocabulary concerning drug and alcohol addiction is ever-changing.

Looking for love in all the wrong places
Love at first sight
Love is blind
Love means never having to say you’re sorry

These are just a few of the themes that come to mind as I contemplate Valentine’s Day.  It occurs to me that I could tell my life story (both before and after recovery) using just the right combination of famous love quotes and song lyrics! 

I was looking for love in all the wrong places when I first tried drugs.  I just didn’t know it at the time.  Growing up in an alcoholic home was traumatic.  I was frightened most of the time and very lonely.  Drugs filled the emptiness inside and made my fear go away. 

It was love at first sight for me when it came to drugs.  Before long, nothing else mattered.  My family, friends, school and job – all took a back seat to my desire to get high.  This is the nature of the disease of addiction.   

Love is blind, especially when it comes to loving someone with a drug problem.  We see only what we want to see because the reality is much too painful.   

If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then what does it mean when our addicted loved ones keep apologizing?  Does their inability to stop using mean they don’t love us?  Of course not!  It’s just that addicts love drugs more than anything else.   

Love is complicated enough without adding addiction to the equation.  If you’re struggling with a loved one who has a drug or alcohol problem, you’ve probably been told that you need to practice “tough love.”   What does that mean?  For me, it means letting go and trusting the process.  I hope you can trust me when I tell you that “tough love” is the best gift you can give to an addict. 

This Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to begin learning this new way to love.  But please don’t forget that love isn’t just reserved for Valentine’s Day.  You can practice it every day.

I know there are many of you who have learned to practice “tough love” with your addict and I would like to hear from you.  How did you start?  How do you stay strong?  How has it helped you and/or your loved one?  Sharing your experience here can help others — and might even save a life.

I am a hard-headed stubborn guy with the propensity to be a control freak. (I hope there are no other fathers out there like me who are dealing with an addicted child.) It took me a long time to learn that my anger was a result of me not being able to control my son’s addiction. Eventually I learned that, at most, I have a small measure of influence with him. And the only real control I have is over my own self.

When Mom and I first began this nightmare of addiction we heard about boundaries. In my mind that was an easy one. Rules are rules; follow the rules and there would be no trouble. But I learned the hard way — addicts have no concept of rules and how they provide structure to society. If parents of an addict rely upon a set of rules to manage  their addict’s behavior, they will live in an angry and frustrating world.

My famous directive to my son — and it was usually delivered at the top of my lungs — was: “No Lying, No Stealing and No Drugs. JUST WHAT THE HELL IS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?!!”

I am finally beginning to understand, “just what the hell was so hard about that.” This has caused me more anger and frustration than just about anything else I’ve dealt with about his addiction. With me, anger and frustration nearly always dissolved into me hollering at him and anyone in the vicinity, resulting in more anger and hurt for all. In a hurting family, that is the last thing you need –  hurt compounded upon hurt.

I have learned that there is a big difference between rules and boundaries. Rules are easy. Rules are set and everyone follows. Boundaries are not rules. Boundaries help direct  your universe when the rules do not apply or are not relevant. My lack of clear boundaries for myself gave me permission and allowed me to justify enabling my son’s drug use. This has probably prolonged his addiction. This is a regret I live with every day.

Boundaries are healthy for you and those surrounding you. I cannot change my addict’s behavior by setting rules. Any success for me in dealing with my son’s addiction is a result of setting good boundaries for myself.

I choose where I want to go –  I no longer allow my addict to take me where he wishes to go. In a simplistic form, I can make a rule directed at my son that he cannot use drugs in my home. The reality is that he is an active addict; he will use drugs in my home. I will become angry because he violated my rule. I have a right to be angry, right? Did it make anything better or change anything? No, we are still at square one. I am angry that he is using drugs in my home, and I feel out of control and helpless. He is feeding his addiction.  All of this happens because I am trying to control something over which I have no control.

But I can establish a boundary – like this: I do not wish to live in a home were drugs are being used illegally. This actually puts everything on me; there is really no reason to become angry. I now have complete control of the situation and I have several options. I am not trying to control him. I get to decide on the actions in my life.

Boundaries must be set after much calm and reasoned thought. Setting boundaries with my addict in the heat of battle resulted in failure every time. Especially because those “boundaries” (really rules) I thought I was setting were being hollered at him and not being set for me. If you are setting boundaries for yourself and using a calm deliberate approach, success can be more easily achieved and you can control your own actions. That works well with the control freak in me. I set my boundaries to match my values.

To be clear, I do not see boundaries as a solid impenetrable barrier like the Berlin Wall, with heavy life-or-death consequences. I see the boundaries that we set for ourselves more like a rope line. There is a clear demarcation of where we decided we should not go and there is self-imposed security to make sure we know there are consequences for crossing the line. But there may be circumstances that necessitate crossing the line and there may be consequences that you or your loved one has to pay for that crossing.

For example, Mom and I have set a boundary about not visiting in jail because jail is punishment. But, our son is in jail and we went to visit him. Why would we go visit and violate our own boundary? Actually, we went for Mom. Mom had been having bad dreams about Alex and in all of her bad dreams Alex was with all of her dead friends and relatives. She was troubled by this. I’m not sure if she puts much stock in that sort of thing as a premonition or something but she was worried. I just look at it as a dream, but it troubled mom so that troubled me. We visited Alex in jail and the visit calmed her worries and she could once again sleep peacefully. If there are consequences to stepping over our boundary we shall deal with them when and if they arise.

Setting good boundaries for yourself allows you, the loved one of an addict, to bring a measure of control and sanity into a truly insane situation.

The headlights of the SUV swept  across the face of the gray contemporary home just before dawn. Ever so quietly, the doors of the SUV opened as two beefy men emerged and glided like practiced dancers across the walkway to the back of the house where Diane was waiting.  Heart pounding, Diane* slid the doors open, greeted them with a curt nod, and escorted them down the dark hallway to Jake’s room.

Vaguely sensing someone’s presence, Jake awoke shielding his eyes from the harsh overhead light his mother had just switched on.  As his eyes focused, he took in the sight of the men standing behind Diane, and knew in an instant that they were here for him.  Although unsure of whether the nightmare of his drug life was over or just beginning, Jake knew with certainty that there was no escaping these men, handcuffs and leash in hand.   Ready or not, the escorts would ensure his safe, if not reticent, delivery to a treatment program in Utah.

While this probably sounds like a scene from a made-for-TV melodrama, it actually played out at our neighbor’s house several years ago as they desperately struggled to get their son, Jake, into treatment.  He had adamantly refused any help and was on a path to jail or a premature death.   As a last resort, Jake’s parents turned to escorts to get him into treatment.

Unlike Jake, there are some adolescents who recognize that their drug use is causing their lives to spiral out of control, and ask to go to treatment.  My experience is that  having this kind of insight is unusual, leaving parents wondering what to do, short of escorts, to get their son or daughter help.

In our case, we told our son, Alex, that he had to go to intensive outpatient treatment and he did not put up a fight.  The reason was that he figured he could scam the drug screens at the program (and he did) and bide his time until completion.  When his life continued to plunge into the abyss, we told him that he needed a higher level of care.  We patiently explained that he could either choose to go to inpatient treatment for a month or we would send him to a lockdown therapeutic boarding school where the only way he could come home was to graduate or age out.  Weighing his “sentences” of 18 months or more versus one month in treatment, Alex agreed to go to the inpatient program.

A few days later, he tried to renegotiate, suggesting that he really didn’t need inpatient treatment – he would recommit to the outpatient program and go to AA meetings.  My husband and I briefly discussed this privately, trying to assess whether we thought it was a viable proposal or not, especially in light of the financial burden of inpatient treatment.  In the end, we presented a unified front to Alex, and adamantly refused his request.

When we arrived at the treatment facility and began the intake process, the counselor asked Alex if he was agreeing to treatment.  Despite the fact that he was a minor at the time, if he had said no, he would not be admitted.  My entire body tensed as I waited for his reply.  (more…)

 The word recovery  – synonymous with mending, healing and improvement – is not only a possibility for all of us, but a reality.  Recovery for my stepdaughter Katherine will always be a work in progress, ever changing and full of possibilities.  Our family works everyday to continue the healing and mending process.  Letting go and allowing your loved one to take responsibility for themselves and to move onward with a sense of self-worth is one of the greatest gifts you can give or receive. 

We now, with some trepidation, try not to watch Katherine too closely, overreact or analyze her every move.  We are constantly aware of how easy it is to fall back into our old habits of trying to be the “fixers” when it’s Katherine who should be held accountable.  Now, we work on letting her take control of her own life and rejoice in the world she has created for herself and for her children.

Because my family and I are grateful for our daughter’s life and how treatment helped heal our relationship with her, we’ve made it our mission to give back.  It is for that very reason that my family and I formed the Run7on7.com  campaign to raise awareness for recovery and much needed scholarship funds for families in need.

In 2008, I made it my mission to run a marathon on each of the seven continents in under a year.  I began with the Boston Marathon in April 2008, then went on to run the Great Wall of China, Easter Island, Kenya (Safaricom), Reykjavik, Melbourne and last March I ran the last of seven worldwide marathons on the freezing glaciers of Antarctica.  To date we’ve been able to raise more than $373,000, which in turn helps more than 25 families get the same innovative treatment at Caron that Katherine received.

While my “7on7” mission has been completed, I’m continuing my quest to raise a million dollars for Caron’s scholarship program by attempting to become the first woman to complete the 4 Deserts  (a series of extreme marathons) in under a year in 2010.  Visit www.run7on7.com to learn more about my mission and to see how my volunteer runners and I are conditioning our bodies and minds for what will one of the most challenging endeavors of our lives. 

If you can see it, you can do it.  If you believe it, it will happen…so DREAM BIG!

When you first discover that your child is addicted to drugs your heart breaks and your stomach churns. What is happening, what did we do wrong?

Our reaction is very personal. As parents we take immediate ownership of this situation. We refuse to see this problem as it is, an addiction. We make excuses, we develop stories and, of course, we make plans to immediately correct this problem; all in an effort to control the situation. We look for someone to blame. Little do we know that this is an issue unlike anything we have ever experienced.

Addiction is not an accepted illness for many in our society uneducated about this disease. For too many people addiction continues to carry the stigma of a weakness of character. As parents of an addict not exposed to addiction we carried that stigma along with the guilt of our own questionable parenting skills. We cling to the belief that if our child would only make a choice not to use again; then this nightmare would be over and everything could go back to normal.

Parenting an addict is not something that is to be done alone. It is not something that should be done alone. This is a disease that touches all of those that love an addict or even casually come in contact with an addict.

As parents we hid what was going on with our son. We wallowed in self pity. We searched the internet for solutions, we read books and articles, no matter how much we searched and tried nothing seemed to work. Our son continued to use and we experienced more stress and more shame.

Finally in desperation it is off to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It’s nearly impossible to say the word. As parents, we stumble, we hedge, we mutter, my son uses drugs. ADDICT: what makes it so hard to say, what makes it so hard to admit? As long as addiction carries a stigma of shame the healing for this disease will not begin for either the addict or the loved one of the addict.

My son is an addict. This statement is freedom but it is not free. To make this statement there is tears, there is heartache and there is a realization that my son is afflicted with a disease in which to date there is no cure.

By opening your life and admission to others you allow others to help you and your child. Something I have found to be absolutely true; those people that love you before your admission will continue to love you when you are able to open yourself up for help. In fact, by opening up I have found wonderful friends struggling with the same issue. Without their support and the support of our family I know we would not be in the position we are in today with our son.

The fact is, if we as individuals and even as a nation continue to treat addiction as our “dirty little secret” and not recognizie it as what it truly is, then we will forever struggle to provide the treatment an addict needs for his or her disease.

My name is Ron and my son is an addict.

As a young girl, two of the more traumatic things I went through were growing up with an alcoholic parent and my parents’ divorce. I tried to stuff the void I experienced with drugs and alcohol.  I never even considered the idea that I might become an alcoholic or drug addict, and I swore to myself that I would never end up like my father.  However, as I would later find out, the cards were stacked against me.  My family’s long history of drug and alcohol addictions played a huge role in where I ultimately ended up. The lifestyle itself was so familiar to me that it didn’t even register that I wouldn’t be able to stand up to the pressure to succumb to it.

I was starved for attention as a kid, and I didn’t have the coping skills I needed to go through the kinds of things the adults around me were putting me through. I became a great actress, with the ability to mold myself into what others wanted me to be, a trait that came in handy once I started using full time. The fact that I gave into peer pressure—big time—is no big surprise. Other people’s solutions to what I was going through—no matter how much bad judgment was there—was an easy way to let myself off the hook for my own behavior.

I wanted to fit in and feel better about myself. Because I didn’t feel like I could turn to my parents for advice and guidance, I turned to my peers. As a teenager who was already full of apprehension and anxiety, getting caught up and swept away by peer pressure was just another high. Stealing alcohol from the local grocery store seems like a good idea until the cops show up and you’re busted. As a teen I had a hard time grasping that my own judgment was impaired. I kept making bad decisions because I desperately wanted to belong and be accepted.

At first drugs and alcohol gave me confidence, self-esteem, and filled that void I’d carried around with me for so many years.  I found I could carry on a conversation without first dissecting every word that came out of my mouth.  It made me feel like I was a part of something instead of an outsider looking in. But eventually all the drugs, alcohol, and bad judgment turned (more…)

Christmas? Bah Humbug! It wasn’t too long ago when I was desperately trying to shut out the world and its inconsiderate ‘tis the season to be jolly’ intrusion. With my eldest son spinning out of control, active again in his addiction and my youngest just getting warmed up – I could feel the perfect storm brewing.

That day quickly turned to night and with it, my son’s charming agitation escalated to those in his path from not having his hourly fix. The drama that ensued that evening including but not limited to: threatening phone calls to my son from a drug pick-up gone bad, (his bad) and threats of baseball bats and gang members.  Did I mention this was Christmas?

Not to be outdone by the gifts from their father, my former spouse, who gave T-shirts to each of them. The first one read; I believe in drug testing…which one shall we test tonight. The other is a must-have, (especially if you’re an addict and one parent is in denial) of Legendary Bob Marley – with a large Marijuana leaf as the backdrop. 

That night I slept clutching my wallet and car keys. Ok… I didn’t sleep. I could go on and on with my war stories and evoke feelings of sympathy, which I detest, but will gladly accept empathy for my journey as a single mother of two magnificent sons. The point is we all have our horrific war stories – this is our common denominator.

Raising children living with addiction and alcoholism is one thing. Getting (more…)

I have to admit that my heart is really not into the holidays this year. It all just seems like so much effort and so much work when there is such an important part of my life that is not in order. The addictions and behaviors that plague our daughter’s life are in full swing  — how can I enjoy myself, have fun, or dare to think of anything other than her, when her life is so out of control right now?

I will tell you how. I have three other children, a wonderful husband, an elderly mother, siblings, and friends and last but certainly not least, myself, to consider. I have a big family for whom life goes on. They deserve to have their full share of their mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend. And I deserve to savor every moment with those I love.

I am working at making the holidays manageable for myself this year. My first order of action is to enter into the season with no expectations. In Alanon they have a saying, “Expectations are only premeditated resentments.” I usually set the bar so high for myself and others that (more…)